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Episode Notes
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TranscriptIntroduction
I’m your host AMBrewster, and today we’re going to get into the really practical stuff. Of course, that’s not to say that the previous seven episodes weren’t vastly important and vitally necessary to the conflict resolution process. I would argue that attempting everything that comes next is impossible without submitting to the truth from the first seven parts of this study.
But, assuming that we have submitted to those truths, we should be ready to finally start speaking into the conflict. As always, there will be free episode notes, a transcript, and links to related resources in the description of this episode. So, check those out. Now, let’s begin by understanding why the previous episodes are absolutely necessary to all that will follow. Topic
If you believe disagreement is not a bad thing, if you welcome disagreement because you understand the value of it, and you recognize that conflict is not really about disagreement, it’s about the sin that occurs during the disagreement, then you are prepared to submit to another important biblical truth, that God is sovereign and has a plan for conflict.
Knowing that God wants to use this situation for His greatest glory and all of your greatest good, and realizing that sin is the enemy, your reaction to the conflict will please the Lord and you will be ready to sharpen your focus. If you believe in times of conflict that you absolutely must search for and deal with the log in your own eye first, then you will be preparing to retaliate against the sin in the conflict, not the sinners in the conflict. If your plan is to attack the sin, not the sinner, then you’re ready to make time for some more potential conflict. You will not avoid the conflict, but you will instead recognize your responsibility to the sovereign God of the universe—you cannot please Him without handling sin. Then and only then will you be ready to make time for resolution. You will also realize that conflict resolution is not about convincing anyone that you are right or punishing the other people. Your desire will be for genuine reconciliation. So, as you make time for that resolution, you will also be prepared to make time for time. You’ll understand your role, you’ll understand the temptations that can plague everyone in times of conflict, and you will be ready to patiently and persistently strive to glorify God by removing your own sin from the situation, and submitting to His expectations for your life. And it is as you submit to all of these truths, that you will finally be able to open your mouth and know that you are glorifying God. But before we outline the first words we should speak as we seek reconciliation, I want to remind you of my other podcast called the Celebration of God. Even though at the time of this recording I’m not currently producing new episodes, that podcast has everything you need for you and your family to worship God better this year than you did last year. You can access it anywhere podcast are enjoyed, and you can even listen to it on the free Evermind App. So, check out the Celebration of God podcast knowing that it was created specifically for you, Christian parents. Visit CelebrationOfGod.com to learn more. Now, what are we to say as we pursue conflict resolution? In what order should it be said? Well, this episode and the two to follow can be lumped under the general heading that we must . . . Speak Lovingly But that concept is so ubiquitous and so easy to misunderstand in our modern culture. That’s why I’m going to strongly encourage you to listen our Family Love Series if you have never heard it before. Let me promise you that the chances are very high that neither you nor your family members have an accurate, practical understanding of love and how it’s lived in the home. Sure, on a theoretical basis you—like I—may understand what the Bible says about love, but none of us can guarantee that our beliefs about love are not informed by the culture, by our upbringing, by our feelings, and by our assumptions. Given the absolute adulteration of the concept of love, we all need to continually retune our minds to the biblical realities. For the sake of this series, we’re not going to review any of the information we discussed in the Family Love Series. I will leave you to study those episodes with your family, but I do want to consider three practical applications of loving conversation. And the first application is the focus of the rest of today’s episode. If you really believe everything we’ve discussed, then you are going to speak lovingly, and if you are going to speak lovingly, then you are going to . . . 1. Deal with Your Sin First. Now, the first thought that popped into some of your heads was, “But what if I didn’t sin?” And I will agree that is possible. However, I also know that—most of the time—this is not the case. We likely did sin in what we said, how we said it, how we felt, how we thought, what we desired, and what we believed. But if you truly searched your heart and carefully looked for the log in your eye, and you were unable to find it, then, no, I don’t want you to apologize for something you didn’t do. You’ll be able to skip the rest of this episode and move to the next step. But, like I said, in conflict, it’s nearly impossible to escape without giving into even the smallest temptations. And it may be small. Your sin in the disagreement may have only been that you unlovingly became frustrated with the situation. Well, that’s a sin, so you likely discovered it as you dealt with your focus, and therefore, you should lead with it because Jesus wants you to deal with the sin in your own life before addressing theirs. Dealing with that sin will alway involve asking for forgiveness. Of course, it’s also very likely that you sinned more than the other people in the conflict. Regardless, though, of the quantity and quality of the sin, your responsibility—and some of the first words to come out of your mouth—is to make it right. Therefore, we need to ask, how do we make it right? There is no one English word that describes this process perfectly, so I like to use the word “apologize” because it comes the closest. A Christ-honoring apology is “a confession of sin, request for forgiveness, and commitment to change.” I think I John 1:9-10 is a beautiful picture of when apologies are necessary. It reads, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.” We desperately need to apologize or—simply put—we cannot be forgiven. We don’t need to apologize if we haven’t sinned, and we won’t ever apologize if we don’t believe we did anything wrong. 1. We apologize because we owe something. I believe the best place to start is The Disciples’ Prayer in Matthew 6. Toward the end of the prayer, Jesus models this attitude for the disciples: “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” The first interesting observation is that Christ uses the word “debts.” I’m not going to suggest that “debts” is a poor translation, but I do believe that if we grapple with what Christ is saying, we’re going to understand that this has a deeper meaning. What do we owe God? Well, we owe Him everything. In one sense, we owe Him our lives, our possessions, food, everything. There is nothing that is not His. But, is God saying that we need to ask Him to forgive us for owing God everything? In Luke 11:4, a different Greek word is used and it’s translated “forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us.” We should view our sin as a debt to God. God created us. We owe Him allegiance. We owe Him obedience. He is God, we owe Him everything He wants. So, when we sin, we have stolen something from Him. We’ve taken His glory. We also need to consider Romans 13:8, “Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another.” We own everyone love, but when we sin against them, we haven’t given them what we owe. Our sin has put us in debt to them, It’s very helpful to see our sin this way because it will help us understand the need for forgiveness. It will make it much easier to apologize when we realize that we have stolen something from God and/or others that needs to be forgiven. 2. We apologize because we need spiritual health. In Matthew 9:6 Jesus asks, “For which is easier, to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Rise and walk’? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins’—he then said to the paralytic—‘Rise, pick up your bed and go home.’” Jesus healed many people, and He did it for many reasons. One reason He did it was to show His power, another was to confirm His authority, another was simply because Jesus is in the business of healing broken things, and another reason is that it was a physical picture of a deeper spiritual reality. We desperately need to be forgiven because it’s far more important than physical health. This paralytic man was unable to work, function in his family, and be a profitable member of society, but his broken relationship with God was more important. And the same is true with us. And lastly . . . 3. We apologize because we desire to change. As we’ve already read in Luke 17:3-4, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” To repent is to change direction. It’s not merely stopping on our way down the wrong path, it’s a deliberate turn so we can move the opposite direction. A person who does not desire to be forgiven is a person who does not believe they need to change. 4. Here is a good Apology Formula. This is the format I use with my family and expect from myself.
This is how it sounds in real life: “Listen, I sinned against you when I got angry and said those unkind words (be specific). I was believing the lie that I have the right to punish people for doing things I don’t like, and I was wrong. Will you please forgive?” Assuming they forgive you, the third step sounds like this: “I know I won’t be perfect, but I want to commit to you that I will strive in the future to remember my responsibility to be humble and trust God. I will try to guard my heart from anger and put a gate over my mouth to keep back those unloving and unkind words. In fact, I would like you to help me stay accountable to grow in this area.” Not only is this the best way to ask for forgiveness, but it also sets you up for real future change, and it shows the person with whom you’re attempting to reconcile that you are being humble and genuinely trying to do things in a way that pleases the Lord. It also illustrates the biblical humility, honesty, and submission to God that the other person would be wise to embrace. Now, I don’t want to go too long today, but I imagine that some of you are concerned that starting the reconciliation process this way may make you look weak or simply provide the other person with ammunition to use against you. My friends, that is not Christ-honoring thinking. First, it’s foolish. If we sinned, we owe it to God and them to seek forgiveness and pursue repentance. Second, that kind of thinking is illogical. If it’s a bad idea to apologize first, then neither of you will do it because you’ll be perpetually waiting for the other one. I know, I’ve seen it happen. I’ve heard so many people say, “Well, if they apologized first, I’d apologize too, but they’re just too stubborn.” Of course, the people who say this are too blind to see their own hypocrisy. Third, such thinking doesn’t matter. Sinful people will twist our actions and words regardless. Jesus was perfect, and they found ways to adulterate what He said and did. Who cares if they take your righteous apology and try to throw it in your face? Fourth, that kind of thinking is unfaithful. We need to trust God to vindicate us. We don’t need to try to manipulate or con the situation. None of the principles I’m giving you for biblical conflict resolution have anything to do with somehow causing the other person to do right. We’re not here to change anyone. We’re here to give God the worship He deserves, and all of our preparation, time making, and speaking is to be done to glorify Him regardless of whether the other person reconciles with us or not. Conclusion
In conclusion, as you pursue reconciliation, the most important thing with which you can start is to acknowledge your sin, ask for forgiveness, and commit to growing in your conformity to Christ.
God demands it, the situation requires it, and it sets the stage for better communication moving forward. Please share this episode on your favorite social media outlets because there’s not a single one of your friends who aren’t currently experiencing conflict in their lives. And if you need help navigating the conflict in your life, please reach out to us at [email protected] or call (828) 423-0894. Whether you sinned in the conflict and need to apologize, or you didn’t, our next episode is for you. We’re going to discover what it means to speak cautiously.
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