TLP 61: Are There Failure Philosophies in Your Home?

What are the Big Three Failure Philosophies and are they alive and well in your homes? Join AMBrewster as he helps parents identify and address the philosophies that are guaranteed to fail.
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Episode Notes

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Transcript

Introduction

​I’d like to start today with a Victory Academy update. As many of you know, I’m the Lead Counselor at Victory Academy for Boys in Amberg, Wisconsin. We’re a boarding school for at-risk teens, and in just a few short weeks our current students will have completed their 10 month program and headed back home. It’s always a bittersweet time, but it’s also exciting because every year there are guys who are genuinely ready to return home and function in a Christ-honoring way.

One of our greatest goals is to help them correct their thinking. But what happens when they encounter sinful thinking? Will they be strong enough to stand for Christ?

To that end, I believe many us are vigilant to protect and prepare our kids from the wicked thinking of the world, but what about the flawed thinking in our houses?

In episode 42 we discussed the fact that we parents are the most potentially destructive influence in the life of our children. And one of the ways this happens is we pass on so much of our sinful selves onto them. Let’s face it, our kids do more than look like us. They talk like us, walk like us, like what we like, and sin like us.

So, it’s to this end that we take a whole show to really pick apart this concept I call Failure Philosophies. 

I’ve used that term often over the past months, but this will be the first time we discuss what they are, learn to see them in ourselves and others, and address them biblically.

But more on that in a minute.
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Recently Susan left us a 5-star review on Facebook. She wrote, 

“Just what I needed and right when I needed it. TLP is a breath of fresh air for this tired mom of five busy young boys, but also helpful for other relationships as well. Thank you for helping me to refocus on the fundamental issues and not just find band-aids for symptoms of the real problems. I'm recommending you to all my friends.”

Thank you for the recommendation and the awesome comments, Susan. We are eternally happy to walk beside you as you parent those five guys of yours.

And if you’d like rate and review us, I encourage you to do so on Facebook and/or iTunes. I look forward to reading what you wrote and sharing it here on the show.

Alright, so what is this whole Failure Philosophy business?

Topic

Well, no doubt there are many phrases regularly quoted in your home.

• “If it’s not yours, don’t touch it.”
  
• “Think before you speak.”
  
• “It’s not done until it’s done right.”

One of the concepts repeatedly quoted in my home and ministry is:

• “If your philosophy doesn’t work 100% of the time, you need a new philosophy.”

We spend a lot of time fleshing out the concept of “Failure Philosophies” with the boys here at Victory because it is incredibly valuable.

So, what is a Failure Philosophy?

1. Failure – As the name implies, this philosophy is doomed to failure. It may currently be failing (and often is), or it’s guaranteed to fail sometime in the future.
2. Philosophy – this word basically means “why you do what you do.” It’s your motivation for your behavior. It’s the same as a worldview or belief system.

So, “A Failure Philosophy is a belief system bound to destroy you.” Let me give you an example: The Bible tells us that “The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’” Psalm 14:1

This belief affects everything the fool does. How he relates to people, how he works, how he eats, and how we vacations are motivated –- in part –- by the faulty philosophy that God doesn’t exist. And because of this worldview, the fool is likely to experience the following failures:

1. Present Failure: If we live any facet of our life rejecting God’s existence and authority, we’ll regularly fail. Proverbs tells us his work fails, his relationships fail, his money management fails . . . everything fails. Even if he experiences worldly “success” in these endeavors, God informs us in Proverbs 21:4 that even the daily exploits of the unsaved are sin because  as Romans 8:7-8 teaches, unbelievers are fundamentally hostile to God and aren’t capable of pleasing Him.
2. But not only will they have present failure, they’ll have Future Failure as well: If he continues believing the lie that God doesn’t exist, not only will he continue to fail in the future as he does now, but one day he’ll experience the ultimate destruction – an eternity in Hell.

His philosophy will have infinitely, eternally failed him.

So, how do we spot these Failure Philosophies in our lives and the lives of our family members?
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Here are the big three Failure Philosophies to look out for:

1. Inconsistent Philosophies.

Inconsistent philosophies affect how I treat other people in relation to other people. If all things are equal, I should be treating all people equally.

1. Of course, we all realize the subjectivity inherent in life. Staff members at Victory Academy for Boys are allowed to have mobile devices, but the students are not. This is not inconsistent because the boys and the staff aren’t functioning with the same level of responsibility and authority.
2. But what if I were not allowed to have a mobile, but a fellow staff member were? This would likely be a sign of inconsistency if the rule were inappropriately applied.
3. However, I may have earned that discrimination had I neglected my work responsibilities due to YouTube!
4. You may have to treat your children differently, but you need a solid, logical, biblical reason to do so.
5. The key is to intentionally question why you do what you do (philosophy). If — as we discussed last time — you find yourself treating one of your children better than the other simply because you prefer one over the other . . . you’re destined for failure.

In order to help others with their inconsistent Failure Philosophies, you will need to:

1. Ask Questions – Due to the subjective nature of this concept, you must ask questions to be sure you understand the other person’s motivation. It may seem inconsistent to you that your child treats your spouse differently than she treats you. But when you start asking questions, you may find your child has to walk on eggshells around your spouse, whereas they feel freer to speak their minds around you. Here’s an example: my child refuses to share his toy with his sister, but he shares it with his friend. So, I ask him why he does that. I may learn that his sister is more prone to breaking his toys, and he’s trying to be a good steward. Good for him. But if he doesn’t share with his sister because he doesn’t like her, he’s being inconsistent, and I will need to help him see his choice through God’s eyes.
2. Be Logical – Why should your wife treat your children the same? Why should your children treat all their school subjects the same? Should they? We need to be sure our own philosophies are valid before we explain how someone else’s aren’t. Your teen may be very passionate about their music practice, but a slothful sluggard when it comes to Science. They may argue that they like one over the other, but it will be your responsibility to help him see that God’s expects his best in all subjects.
3. Know Truth – Our opinions carry very little weight; and that’s okay! Only God’s Truth stands the test of time. If you want to be right all the time, just agree with God. Try as hard as possible to ground your philosophy on His Word and teach others to do the same.

2. Hypocritical Philosophies.

Hypocritical philosophies affect how I treat other people in relation to how I want other people treating me. If all things are equal, I should treat people the same way I want them treating me.

1. Imagine Person A says something unkind to Person B, so Person B hits Person A.
2. When I ask “B” why he hit “A,” I generally hear something akin to “Well, he . . . .” followed by an engaging story filled with the awful things the other person did.
3. So, I ask, “You thought it was okay to hit him for saying something unkind to you?” Often, the person will answer, “Yes.”
4. So, then I ask, “Then what does he get to do to you because you hit him? If you get to hit him in the arm because he spoke words you don’t like, then does he get to kick you in the face because you hit him in the arm? And then what do you get to do to him then? How about burning all his clothes? But then, because you burned all his clothes – if we’re going to use your philosophy of life – I suppose it’s okay for him to kill your dog.”
5. It doesn’t take too much of this for him to see that he doesn’t want the other guy using his own reasoning against him. He also quickly sees that there’s no end to such conflicts. If we really live that way, everyone would be dead! It’s easy to justify retaliation in the moment, but it’s so flawed. I help my students with these concepts nearly every day. A boy my be completely melting down because he feels wrongfully treated because he received the consequences he earned. So he’s yelling and being disrespectful and saying things like, “I’m not going to just let you do that to me!” So, I’ll say something like, “So it’s okay for a fifteen year old student living in my house to break a rule and then get ticked off, be disrespectful and disobedient because he doesn’t want a consequence. But it’s not okay for me to give biblical consequences to a child who broke God’s law? Why is that okay?”Just so you know, they never have an answer. So I continue, “Technically, according to your philosophy, I not only am totally justified to correct you when you break my rules, but when you then disrespect me by yelling at me, I have the right to yell right back at you.”

And sometimes to justify their own sin, they’ll say, “Go ahead. Yell, I don’t care.”

But then I have to help them understand that technically it wouldn’t work that way. If it’s okay to sin against God by rebelling against our authority, and yelling and punching walls, and swearing, and walking away, then it should be okay for me to punch that person in the face for what they’re doing.”

And you know what. They never like that option because they’re hypocritical. They believe it’s okay to punish you for doing right even though they believe it’s terrible for you to correct them for doing wrong.

But what about us parents? How many times do we justify doing wrong because, “I’m the parent”? It’s okay for us to raise our voices when we don’t like what’s going on? It’s okay for us to swear, drink, smoke? It’s okay for us to watch movies we wouldn’t let our children watch? It’s okay for us to act emotionally? It’s okay to sneak snacks? Misuse God’s Word to get what we want? Speed? Doze off in church? Be lazy? Forget to do something you promised you were going to do?

You see, if we’re honest with ourselves, if “what’s good for the goose isn’t good the gander” then you may be living a Failure Philosophy.

Of course, there are plenty of instances where subjectivity sneaks into this category as well. I’m allowed to drive a car; my seven year old isn’t. It’s okay for me to have a phone that I use to glorify God even though my porn-watching teen isn’t allowed to have one.

The key is not to excuse sin in our lives as we condemn it in others.

In order to help others with their hypocritical Failure Philosophies, you will need to:

1. Ask Questions – Once again, explore the situation with a desire to truly understand why they’re doing what they’re doing (philosophy). You may find they have no idea why they do it and are acting out of pure emotion, or you may find they had very solid reasons for treating others differently than they want to be treated. Many times I go into situation believing the child is functioning off a bad philosophy, only to learn there was some valuable info I didn’t have. Flying into the situation with lectures flying generally backfires. Ask your questions to be sure you have all the information and to help them see the flaws in their thinking.
2. Be Logical – Jesus frequently used parables and illustrations to help people see the error of their ways.
   1. When Nathan the prophet confronted David concerning his adultery with Bathsheba, he told him a story about a man who’d stolen another man’s beloved sheep. David was enraged and demanded that the thief be executed! All Nathan had to say then was, “You are the man.”
   2. Again, I like to paint a simple illustration for people where I turn the tables on them. I may ask a father, “Why did you yell at your son?” Most of the time the honest answer is “Because I was frustrated.” So I ask, “Is it appropriate for him to yell at you for the same reason? You frustrated him. Why is not okay for him to yell?”
   3. You see, it doesn’t matter that I’m dad. To think it’s okay for me to get aggravated because someone inconveniences me, but to tell my children not to be annoyed when their siblings inconvenience them is hypocritical.
3. Know Truth – God commands us at every turn to love, prefer above ourselves, serve, honor, submit to, and respect others. It’s very easy to apply the Bible when people are being hypocritical because not only is the sinful behavior addressed, but hypocrisy itself is frequently condemned in Scripture.

Okay, so the first Failure Philosophy was Inconsistent Philosophies that cause me to treat people differently when there’s no biblical reason to do so. The second was Hypocritical Philosophies which causes me to want people to treat me differently than I treat them for non-biblical reasons. And the third category of Failure Philosophies is . . .

3. Delusional Philosophies

Delusional philosophies affect how I respond to God’s Absolute Truth. If all things are as God says they are, I need to trust His Word.

1. It doesn’t matter how good you feel about it, how “well” it worked in the past, or how planned out it is, the idea that it’s okay for me to steal is a Failure Philosophy because God has clearly outlined why stealing is wrong.
2. For the same reason, laziness at work, provocative parenting, gluttony, worry, gossip, lust, and unkind speech are also wrong. And participating in those things show that we’re delusional enough to think we can sin and not be held accountable!
3. This category includes both the Inconsistent and Hypocritical Philosophies. If I’m being inconsistent or hypocritical, I’m deluded if I think life will work.
4. Do we think it’s okay to “follow our hearts?” Does it glorify God to eat whatever we want whenever we want? Does God have limits on how and for what we spend our money? Is it okay to be a “Closet Christian?” Is church attendance really optional? Is Darwinian evolution a Christ-honoring belief? Is it unimportant the kind of music to which we listen?

In order to help others with their delusional Failure Philosophies, you will need to:

1. Ask Questions – One question I love to ask is, “Can you support your life choice using the Bible?” They may try, but legitimate exegesis prevents all Failure Philosophies from being supported by Scripture.
2. Be Logical – This concept takes on a very different hue when applied to delusional philosophies.
   1. 100% of atheists believe they’re being logical to deny the existence of God. But true logic is God’s logic. This particular application of logic will have to be firmly and consistently grounded in the Bible or it’ll easily go astray.
   2. Here’s an example: Merriam-Webster calls logic “a particular mode of reasoning viewed as valid or faulty.” The world says it’s logical to conclude that to love is to tolerate because when people accept each other the way they are and ignore their differences, relationships can flourish without negativity and conflict. But according to God’s Word, that’s a Failure Philosophy because to truly love someone means seeking God’s best interest for them. God desires all people to reject their self-worship and embrace Him. Which then is the “logical” conclusion?
   3. Logic itself is dependent on what you believe is valid and faulty – your philosophy. In a universe where God doesn’t exist, it may be logical to tolerate disagreeable behaviors in others as long as they aren’t hurting me. But it’s delusional to live like God doesn’t exist in a universe where He does – therefore we must seek biblically-informed logic. So we must turn to His Word for His logic.
3. Know Truth – We can’t live God’s Word if we don’t believe God’s Word. We can’t believe God’s Word unless we know God’s Word. We have to Love It, Learn It, Live It, and Lead It! We can’t help others do this if we aren’t doing it ourselves. We must be going the same direction we’re leading.

Conclusion

I hope this has been beneficial for you. This is an idea we’ll have to revisit with ourselves, our spouses, our children, our friends, our coworkers, and our strangers all of the time. It’s the foundation of evangelism and discipleship. It’s the core of our relationship with God – will I choose to believe what He says or reject His Truth?

We must embrace God’s Perfect Philosophy if we hope to be successful in any area of life!

I hope the PDF notes at TruthLoveParent.com will be helpful as you revisit the big three Failure Philosophies in your home.

Well, many schools across the nation are already out or they will be soon, and no doubt some of your kids are already planning the amazing adventures they want to have with their friends this summer. On our next episode we’ll discuss a hugely significant rite of passage most of your kids will want to participate in . . . but should you let them? Join us next time for that discussion.

​And I’d like to invite you to check out our TLP Friend page. Just click the “Support TLP” link to see our ministry goals, and get some behind-the-scenes seek peeks as to what was going on in episode 60!

Remember, God’s philosophies are the only ones that are guaranteed to succeed. Every idea or thought or dream or belief in our family that contradicts God’s reality is doomed to failure. Take some time this week to help your kids see life the way God does and root out those Failure Philosophies.