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Episode Notes
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TranscriptIntroduction
Welcome back to our Biblical Conflict Resolution series. I hope that you have been with us the whole time; if not, then I want to encourage you to start at the beginning because all of this information flows from and builds on all that went before. To jump in now without the benefit of the previous 9 episodes might actually result in disaster.
And I know that might sound like a funny thing to say. Am I giving you bad advice? Here’s the thing, if our hearts aren’t prepared biblically, there is little to no chance we’re going to speak in a Christ-honoring way. We have to start by submitting our worldview to the Scriptures, and we have to approach the timing correctly. Of course, if you’re returning, please check out today’s free episode notes, transcript, and related resources linked in the description of the episode. Now, let’s get going. Topic
On Part 8 we transitioned from the foundational necessities to the practical realities. That’s where we started discussing our words. Our first point had to do with talking personally. If we’ve laid the right foundation before trying to resolve the conflict, we’re obviously going to address our own sins first. Then—and only then—is it wise to talk wisely. That was our topic last week. We chatted about cautious and humble communication. Again, that was such a seminal episode, in fact, I’m wishing now that last week’s episode had been the first. It makes a lot of sense. If I’m approaching my words lovingly by being cautious and humble, then I’m definitely going to lead with confessing, apologizing, and repenting of my own sin.
But—assuming we get all of that right—we need to continue keeping our minds focused on Christ because we’re going to have more and more temptation flying at us. Even if the other person is kind and gracious, willing to forgive, and teachable, we’re still potentially going to have the temptation to be unkind with our words as we start to outline their sins that added to the conflict between us. But before we unpack the three points for today, I want to tell your about Faithtree Biblical Counseling & Discipleship. I’ve been a biblical counselor since 2007, but I’ve also been a frequent counselee for much longer, and I can tell you how much value there is sitting down with a mature believer who loves the Lord, loves you, and knows the Scripture well enough to help you discern God’s will for your life. Well, Faithtree is the counseling arm of Evermind Ministries, and I have the honor of being one of the biblical counselors. Now, in the past few years my counseling schedule has been pretty full, but I’ve had a number of slots open up recently as counselees have graduated and brought this season of their discipleship to a close. So, I’ve been praying a lot recently that the Lord would bring me just the right counselees—individuals for whom I would be the best fit to serve them as they grow in Christ. Now—full transparency—I think some people in the past have reached out for counseling thinking that our services were free of charge . . . and—honestly—I wish they were. I wish our donations were such that they covered all of our expenses and we could afford to counsel people with no fees. But that is not where the Lord has us, so—yes—from the very beginning we’ve charged $100 an hour. Now, compared to secular counseling and even most Christian counselors, that’s a steal, but we don’t take insurance, and—though many people over the years were in a place where $100 a session worked for them—I know there have been others who believed they couldn’t afford to pay that. So, from now until the end of July, 2024—we’re reducing our session fees to make biblical counseling more accessible to anyone who needs it. From now until the end of July, anyone who signs up for in-person or virtual counseling will receive a 50% discount on every session from their very first session all the way until they graduate. That means that if you start counseling with Faithtree in June, 2024, but you don’t officially end your sessions until December of 2030, you will only ever have to pay $50 a session. For those of you who haven’t participated in biblical counseling before, most people never go that long. That example was simply to illustrate that the session fee will not change until you graduate regardless of how long that takes. And for those of you who still think that you do not have the financial security for that to be a wise choice, and you genuinely need help, please know that we have a Counselee Scholarship program. All you have to do is request the paperwork and apply. Our scholarship committee will review your application and let you know how much financial aid you can receive. We really do want to make biblical counseling available for as many people as we can. It’s true we are limited in our time, and we’re limited by our financial responsibilities, but we trust the Lord to lead us to just the right people, and I hope that you will be one of them. You can visit FaithtreeBiblicalCounseling.com to learn more and request counseling or discipleship. Whereas some people are looking for advice in their time of crisis, many people have come to us because they haven’t really been discipled in their local church, and they’re looking for someone to help them grow and be sharpened in Christ. We do both and would be honored to talk with your about your needs. By the way, pastors, I believe the best case scenario is that the local church be discipled by the local church. When people come to me who don’t have anyone in their church pursuing them for mature discipleship, my heart always goes out to the church. If you are a pastor, I would love to talk with you about starting a culture of genuine, biblical discipleship in your church. I’m not saying that you don’t know how to do it; I’m simply offering my assistance in any way I can. Sometimes all it takes is an outside voice with a new perspective to light the fire of revival in your church. You can check out AMBrewster.com to speak with me about hosting a discipleship retreat with the mature men in your church. Alright, that was a little bit longer than I wanted to take, but there’s still so much more to say. Biblical counseling is discipleship. It’s one-anothering. It’s that in which every single Christian should be participating as we seek to be conformed more and more to the image of Christ. Visit FaithtreeBibllicalCounseling.com. And now—without any further ado—what does it take to speak kindly in confrontation. First, I want to admit that I’m going to use my main point as one of my subpoints. Honestly, I was struggling coming up with a better word. So, know that I’m completely ashamed of myself for that. Second, It’s important to acknowledge that the average conception of the word “kind” is not biblically accurate. So, as always, be prepared to upturn your vocabulary. In order to speak kindly, we must . . . 1. Speak Patiently. You’re likely familiar with I Corinthians 13:4 which reads, “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant.” There we see that one of our points from last week is here as well. Not only must we be humble to speak wisely, we can’t speak lovingly without being humble either. Jealousy, bragging, and arrogance are all prideful and unloving. But at the beginning of the verse we learn that love is patient and kind. But what does it truly mean to be patient? Is patience simply putting up with someone? Is it sitting in silence as we are annoyed by their slowness to speak or respond biblically? Let’s turn to Romans 12:9-13 to learn a bit about what it means to be patient. “Let love be without hypocrisy.” Patience is not hypocritical. We mustn’t act like everything is okay—we’re being patient—when we’re seething inside. Patience is not a superficial facade; it has to be real. Continuing on, the passage reads, “Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.” Patience is righteous. We must abhor impatience. We must abhor the superficial facade of mere tolerance. Continuing on, “10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; “ Brotherly love is the companionable relationship wherein we want and work toward God’s best interest for the other person. Our patient love is in their best interest. Verse 11 continues, “not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord;” Patience requires diligence. We must keep up our guards. We must be vigilant not to slip into selfish self-worship and be annoyed by their lack of response or inappropriate response. We need to be fervent to glorify God, and serve Him—worship Him—in our patient communication with the other individual. You see how important it is that we lay the right foundation? None of us do any of that in the flesh. It’s so easy for me to impatiently do the evil thing of loving myself, preferring my own comfort over the other person, and not being diligent and fervent to serve them or the Lord. If we’re going to speak lovingly, we’re going to speak wisely by being humble and cautious. That intentional premeditation should guide us to speak patiently. Romans 12:12-13 keeps adding to the previous thoughts: “rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, 13 contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality.” Rejoicing in hope helps us be patient because we have the right foundational worldview that God is working in this situation and that we and the other people in the conflict can and will glorify God as we submit to Him. And then there’s persevering in tribulation. Conflict is a kind of tribulation. If the other person has sinned against us, it’s hard, but God wants us to persevere through it. Patience requires struggle. No patience is required when things are going our way. And yet it’s the fact that things aren’t going our way that becomes the justification for our lack of patience. Psalm 37:7-9 says, “Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. 8 Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing. 9 For evildoers will be cut off, But those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land.” Our ability to be patient—though it may be focused outward on the other individual—is actually motivated in God. We’re resting patiently and waiting contentedly because we’re relying on God, not the other person. If you want to resolve conflict in a way that pleases the Lord, you have to be loving, and that means you have to be patient in the interactions. 2. Speak Kindly. And here’s where I used my main point as a subpoint. Oh, well. Ephesians 4:31-32 commands, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” And its sister passage, Colossians 3:12-13 tells us, "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.” Our modern understanding of what it is to be kind is not very biblical. The root word translated “kind” and “kindness” in these verses refers to something that is righteous, useful, and virtuous. It’s actually presented as the polar opposite of the word “bitterness” in verse 31. The word bitterness didn’t refer to resentment, but described extreme wickedness. So, how does understanding the original meaning of the word need to affect our view of what God expects from us in conflict? Kindness is akin to righteousness. Our words need to be good, serviceable, gracious, fit, virtuous, and able to be used for reconciliation. Kindness does not necessitate a certain tone or even certain vocabulary. As long as biblical truth is spoken in godly love, we’re speaking kindly for the need of the moment. I Peter 3:8-11 reads, “To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; 9 not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. 10 For, ‘The one who desires life, to love and see good days, Must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit. 11 He must turn away from evil and do good; He must seek peace and pursue it.’” The word translated “kindhearted” in this passage is the same word translated “tenderhearted” in the Ephesians 4:32 passage. It can also be translated “compassionate” and even “pitiful.” It’s also important to recognize that compassion is an integral part of being merciful. Compassion feels for the person and desires their best—God’s best for them. But please remember that a person in sin is rarely going to hear the truth spoken in love and interpret it as being kind—short of an act of God and the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Kindness does not get to be defined by the person in sin. God’s Word gets to define it, and kindness sometimes hurts. Proverbs 27:6, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.” I’m already running a little longer than I planned, so we need to move on to our final point for today, but I want to invite you to learn more about this topic from the Family Loves Series. You can access a direct link in the description of today’s episode as well as a link to FaithtreeBiblicalCounseling.com. In order to speak lovingly, we need to speak humbly, cautiously, patiently, kindly, and . . . 3. Speak Forgivingly. We’re not being loving if we refuse to forgive. If we refuse to forgive we’re working against reconciliation, and the conflict is our fault. Matthew 6:14-15 says, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.” Colossians 3:12-14 puts it this way: “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. 14 Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.” Those verses hold both amazing promises for genuine conflict resolution as well as the high standards we must keep in order to achieve it. Again, we don’t have time to unpack this next idea, so be sure to listen to the resources listed in the description. Please know that you can’t forgive someone who hasn’t asked for it, and you can’t make someone ask for forgiveness. I talk about this in more detail in our Biblical Parenting Essentials series, specifically in episode 521. That’s the link to which you’ll want to listen. Since you can’t truly forgive someone who hasn’t asked for it, you should always be ready and willing to forgive when and if they do. Conclusion
I don’t like how quickly I have to move through this material, but—in all transparency—this material was designed to be used in counseling. We could take as much time as we needed to make sure we all understand the material before moving on.
So, if you believe that you and/or someone else could use some personalized help in biblical counseling for this issue or anything else they may be facing, please email [email protected], call (828) 423-0894, or visit FaithtreeBiblicalCounseling.com. And please share this series on your favorite social media outlets so that other families can learn how to resolve their conflicts in ways that please the Lord. And then join us next time as we look at the necessary corollary of speaking lovingly. I’ll see you then.
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