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TranscriptIntroduction
I’m your host AMBrewster, and today—Lord willing—we’re going to talk wisely about talking wisely.
As always, you can access the free episode notes, transcript, and related resources in the description of today’s episode. Now, let’s talk about speaking wisely in conflict resolution. Topic
As you may remember from our last episode, the last topic, this topic, and the next are all a part of speaking lovingly.
Last time we explained how talking lovingly will require that you deal with your sin, and today’s topic is also going to be subdivided. Speaking wisely includes speaking cautiously and humbly. But before we pick apart those two elements, I want to invite you to use the link in the description of today’s episode to create a free account for the Evermind App, and then download that app and start taking advantage of the free resources we have there that you can’t get anywhere else. But you should also check out the paid content. We offer many valuable conferences, studies, and workshops that will grow you and your family, and your purchase will greatly bless Truth.Love.Family. So, click on that link, create your account, and continue your learning there. Alright, let’s get into the meat of today’s topic. We are to speak lovingly in conflict, and that means we need to speak wisely, but what does it take to speak wisely? 1. Speak Cautiously. Proverbs 12:18 tells us, “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” The Hebrew word translated “rashly” can also be translated thoughtlessly. For example, in Leviticus 5:4 we read, “Or if a person swears thoughtlessly with his lips to do evil or to do good, in whatever matter a man may speak thoughtlessly with an oath, and it is hidden from him, and then he comes to know it, he will be guilty in one of these.” Both of those instances of “thoughtlessly” is our word. The only other place in the Scriptures where we find this particular word is in Psalm 106:33, “Because they were rebellious against His Spirit, He spoke rashly with his lips.” Though it may be easy for us to interpret “rash” speaking as “harsh” or “unkind,” the picture we have painted is primarily the thoughtlessness which grows in the soil of disobedience. And this disobedience need not be the picture of teenage angst of which we conceptualize when we hear the word “rebellious.” We’re simply talking about living one’s life for oneself instead of God. I say all of this because it’s easy to consider how harsh, angsty attacks would be like the thrusts of a sword, but what we’re actually learning here is that these wounds are likely being produced by someone not intending to produce them. But because this person does not speak wisely, what he says is harmful and hurtful. Psalm 57:4 has another description of such people. Though our word “rashly” doesn’t show up, we can easily see how—when we let them—words can be so painful. The verse reads, “My soul is among lions; I must lie among those who breathe forth fire, Even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows And their tongue a sharp sword.” Now, I said, words “can hurt if we let them.” They don’t have to hurt. This episode is not the place for this conversation, but—please—tuck it away that if you are thinking wisely, foolish talking doesn’t have to affect you. Just like God can protect His people from physical fire, He can also shield us from the fire of another’s tongue. But that requires that we be maturing into Christ’s image. Okay, so we must be cautious when we communicate so that we’re not being thoughtless. We have to be mindful and intentional. James 1:19-20—a verse we’ve often studied—says, “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” Being quick to hear and slow to speak means that we have to be quick to think about what’s about to come out of our mouths. We absolutely must not be thoughtless in our communication. Now, think about your communication in times of conflict or in times of attempted reconciliation. Are your words best described as the thrusts of a sword or the healing of medicine? What would those in conflict with you say? The second half of Proverbs 12:18 describes the tongue of the wise bringing healing. Proverbs 15:4 explains it this way, “A soothing tongue is a tree of life, But perversion in it crushes the spirit.” How does one speak healing words? What makes them healing? Well, we’re going to talk about that on Part 11 of this series, but for now—as a teaser—consider Proverbs 4:20-22, “My son, give attention to my words; Incline your ear to my sayings. 21 Do not let them depart from your sight; Keep them in the midst of your heart. 22 For they are life to those who find them And health to all their body.” When in conflict, do you approach your words with the careful realization that if you speak the wrong thing you will be working at cross-purposes with God? I hope you do. I’ve mentioned this before, but this discussion about biblical conflict resolution is not simply about how to get out of conflict. Ultimately, we should want to avoid getting into conflict in the first place. And a big part of that requires that we speak wisely, and that’s going to require that we speak cautiously. Now, I’m not going to suggest that if you could speak with perfect wisdom, no one would ever sin against you and plunge you both into conflict. If that were true, Jesus would not have endured the multitudes of conflict in His life. But—at least—the conflict won’t be a result of your sin. Okay, in order to speak wisely, you must be cautious, but even caution will fail you without the next point. 2. Speak Humbly. Philippians 2:3-8 reads, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. 8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Let’s pick apart this passage. First, there is an unequivocal command that we never be selfish or conceited. That means that everything that comes next will have to be focused on something other than our feelings and our desires. What is that focus? Second, to the degree we’re not to be selfish, we have to be humble. In so doing, we will regard other people as being more important than ourselves. We could do a whole series on that point alone, but we must move forward. So, how do we become that humble? Third, we must take upon ourselves the very mind and attitude of Jesus Christ. In order to illustrate what that mind and attitude are, Paul reminds the readers that Jesus is 100% God, yet despite that fact, He willingly took on human flesh, experienced life as a human being, didn’t have to convince everyone He met that He was God and deserved to be worshipped, but instead, He served them—most specifically—He served them by dying on the cross to purchase their redemption. Do you want to be humble? Do what Jesus did. Even if you actually had something about which you could be proud, and—by the way—you don’t . . . neither do I . . . but even if you did, you would gladly set it aside in order to serve others no matter the cost or requisite thanks. Then and only then as you strive to speak cautiously, will you rightly deduce which words will bring healing in the moment. Ephesians 4:1-3 says, “Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, 3 being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Let’s assume that everything on that list flows from first point about being humble. If you are humble, then you will cautiously choose your words very carefully, and those words will be Spirit-controlled, patient, tolerant, loving, and diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace which Christ purchased on the cross. By the way, if—when I talk about peace—your heart longs to experience true peace in your family, I strongly encourage you to purchase the Family United in God online course through the Evermind App. For only $50, you and your family can engage in a study of the book of Ephesians that will present you with desperately important truths and questions designed to help your family stop being so divided, but—not just achieve some secular form of unity—instead experience true unity in Christ. You can use the link in the description of today’s episode to gain access to that online course for only $50. And any time we update or add to the course, you will always receive the most recent material. So, that is what it takes to speak wisely. You must be cautious to speak humbly. As we continue into the next few episodes, we’re going to be building on what it means and looks like to be humble, but for now, I want to end today’s discussion by explaining a vital truth concerning pride. There is a lot of misunderstanding—especially in the church—concerning pride. I say, “especially in the church” because quite often the world is actually a better judge of pride than we are. In Daniel 9:3-4 we read Daniel’s words, “So I gave my attention to the Lord God to seek Him by prayer and supplications, with fasting, sackcloth and ashes. 4 I prayed to the Lord my God and confessed and said . . .” and then he goes on to lay out the content of his prayer which included confessing the national sins of Israel. There are far too many professing believers who would—though they may not say it—would hear someone say Daniel’s words and simply assume he was pridefully boasting about his spirituality. But Daniel was not being prideful. All he was doing was explaining what he had done, and—in this case—he was doing so under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. If you are saying something factual about yourself that it would be completely appropriate for someone else to say about you, then it’s not automatically prideful. So, if the words don’t betray a prideful heart, what does? It’s all about the motivation. Daniel wasn’t seeking the praise of men, he was recording what he did—specifically in light of the reality of his great God. Proverbs 27:2 says, “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; A stranger, and not your own lips.” Proverbs 25:27 tells us, “It is not good to eat much honey, Nor is it glory to search out one’s own glory.” What made the words a sin? They were seeking their own praise and glory. But what if telling the truth about yourself gives praise and glory to God? That, my friends, is not arrogant, boastful, prideful, or conceited. But—as always—we sinful humans can’t see a persons motivations, therefore—like the Pharisees of old—we default to judging people based solely off their external behavior. “Are they wearing a phylactery? They must be holy. Did they just say something positive about themselves? They must be prideful.” True arrogance and pride are rarely identifiable by what a person does or says. The only way to identify them for sure is to know the individual’s motivation. But that’s a process that requires intimacy and conversation, so most people find it easier to simply dismiss the person as being prideful. But, I have to point out, that if someone does something that is not inherently sinful, but we judge them as being prideful without doing our due diligence . . . we are the prideful, arrogant ones. Jesus’ own words from John 7:24 should echo in our ears, “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.” Referring to the coming Messiah, Isaiah 11:3-4 reads, “And He will delight in the fear of the Lord, And He will not judge by what His eyes see, Nor make a decision by what His ears hear; 4 But with righteousness He will judge the poor, And decide with fairness for the afflicted of the earth.” This righteous judgement refers to a judgement that is . . . wait for it . . . right. It’s accurate, good, innocent, acceptable, and factual. In order to know what is true in their heart, you have to do a deep dive. One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 20:5 which reads, “Counsel in the heart of a man is like deep water, But a man of discernment draws it out.” No such judgment should casually be made off an external observation . . . unless the action or word itself is actually condemned in the Scriptures. Speaking well of oneself for God’s glory is not condemned; to the contrary, it is exemplified from the beginning to the end of the Bible. Conclusion
All of that so say, your motivation is the key to your pride. Are you being selfish, rebellious, self-worshipping, and disobedient? You’re prideful. You’re arrogant. But if you are being cautious because you only want to speak those words that would please the Lord and heal the listener, then you are being humble. And even if those honest, healing sentences have to include the words, “I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. I did not sin against you when I did what I did. You may not have liked it, but it was being done out of obedience to God and love for you. If you’re interested, I can show you from the Scriptures what it says about my words and actions.”
In that situation for those reasons, those words would not be prideful. Please share this episode on your favorite social media outlets and feel free to reach out to [email protected] or call (828) 423-0894. If you would like to work with a biblical counselor to identify and address unwise speech in you and/or your family. And I hope you’ll join us next time as we once again open God’s Word to discover how to best worship God with our conflict. To that end, we’ll be discussing what it means to speak kindly.
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