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TranscriptIntroduction
I’m your host AMBrewster, and today we’re talking about the last “time” element in biblical conflict resolution.
By the way, if you’re just joining us in this series, I strongly recommend you start with part 1. This is part 7, and we’ve been laying a very important foundation to be able to deal with conflict in a Christ-honoring way. Jumping in here is going to leave you very handicapped and potentially make matters worse as you attempt to reconcile with people. Also, if you are new to the show, the vast majority of episodes—including today’s—have free notes, transcripts, and related resources all curated and linked in the description. So, be sure to check that out. Alright, let’s finalize this discussion about time by making time for time. Topic
Take a moment to reflect on your past conflicts. How many of them were you able to successfully reconcile? I don’t mean that you and the other person simply agree to disagree or play nice in public or simply don’t talk about it anymore, I’m talking about truly reconciling in a way that results in your relationship being stronger and more Christ-honoring than before?
That is the goal toward which we’re moving. When all parties participate in truly biblical conflict resolution, their relationships will be better than they ever were. So, anyway, try to remember times in your life where that took place. Can you think of at least one? Okay, so how long did it take to get to that point? There’s a tension inherent in the reality we’re discussing today. On one hand, the positional reconciliation is immediate, but practical reconciliation can legitimately take time depending on the nature of the conflict. On the other hand, quite often it’s sin that causes us to drag our feet and make the process of reconciliation last longer than it should. So, the goal is to determine on a case by case basis what amount of time is really necessary for total reconciliation. But before we dive into that, I want to tell you—once again—about an online course we have on the Evermind App called “A Family United in God.” This course is designed to walk your entire family through the book of Ephesians as we learn about true biblical unity. All along the way, there will be LifeWork assignments for the family to do together and discuss. The LifeWork is designed to get the family talking about the really important stuff that so often gets in the way of true unity. In addition to that, you’ll gain access to expertly curated resources that will help you dig deeper into many of the issues that hinder family unity. We talk about authority, anger, gratitude, complaining, spiritual warfare, joy, change, church, communication, and much more. The Family United in God online course normally costs $50, but if you use the link in the description of this episode, you can gain full access to the course and all of the bonus resources for only $25. I pray you will strongly consider taking your family through this 9 part course. Summer is fast approaching, and that is an awesome time to set aside at least one night a week for some family devotional time. Now, let’s make time for time. When reconciling, it is equally dangerous to rush the process as it is to prolong the process. So, what we’re going to do is look at 8 different passages and talk briefly about how they apply to the reconciliation process. 1. Anger makes us too hasty. James 1:19-20 reads, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” And Proverbs 14:29 is similar when it says, “He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.” There is type of hastiness that is motivated by anger. This anger is quick to speak, quick to pursue its own purposes, and therefore quick to folly. This word, folly, is one of the same words we studied in the Parenting a Zombie series. The haste produced by anger is utter foolishness. It’s not good. And this is why I took so many episodes to talk about the importance of preparing our minds and making the time. Flying off the handle and rushing to address the situation in a self-serving way is not going to please the Lord. We need to take care of these things in a timely manner, but we have to take every step in a way that pleases the Lord. Sinful anger decapitates the whole process. By the way, I mentioned it last time when we talked about Sanctified Anger, but I’ve done two series concerning anger. The first is called “Parenting Angry Children.” The second is called “The Merciful Life.” Both of those series deal with how to repent from our sinful anger. You should check them out. For our next point, we’re going to look at two passages in the book of Ecclesiastes. 2. Foolishness makes us to hasty, longwinded, and fruitless. I know I just talked about the destructiveness of foolishness, but here we are again. Foolishness takes so many different forms. The last version was anger, and this one is quick-tongued loquaciousness. Please follow along as I read Ecclesiastes 5:1-3, “Guard your steps as you go to the house of God and draw near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools; for they do not know they are doing evil. 2 Do not be hasty in word or impulsive in thought to bring up a matter in the presence of God. For God is in heaven and you are on the earth; therefore let your words be few. 3 For the dream comes through much effort and the voice of a fool through many words.” The fool is impulsive. He will stand before the Creator of the universe and prattle His foolishness. So many times in this passage we are admonished to limit our words. We’re told to listen, were told not to be hasty in word or impulsive to bring up a matter to God, we’re told to let our words be few, and to not use many words. And then Ecclesiastes 10:8-14 says, “He who digs a pit may fall into it, and a serpent may bite him who breaks through a wall. 9 He who quarries stones may be hurt by them, and he who splits logs may be endangered by them. 10 If the axe is dull and he does not sharpen its edge, then he must exert more strength. Wisdom has the advantage of giving success. 11 If the serpent bites before being charmed, there is no profit for the charmer. 12 Words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious, while the lips of a fool consume him; 13 the beginning of his talking is folly and the end of it is wicked madness. 14 Yet the fool multiplies words.” Here we go again with the fool using empty, worthless communication without thought to how God would have him speak. I wish I had more time today to work through the differences between wisdom and foolishness, but they are huge topics. So, I’ll define them simply and then point you to another couple of resources that will help you mature in your understanding of the terms. Knowledge is having information. Understanding is comprehending that information. Wisdom is using that information in the best way possible. Conversely, foolishness is either living in ignorance and misunderstanding, or simply refusing to use the knowledge and understanding you’ve been given. We have a series called “Teach Your Children to Learn” where we delve into great detail about knowledge, understanding, wisdom, and how to help your child progress from one to another. The other series I did for The Celebration of God is called “The Discipleship Spiral Series.” That series applies the same truths to you—the disciple of Christ—as you mature in your worship of Him. Now, let’s talk about the consequences of hastiness and long-windedness. 3. Sinful haste results in transgression and condemnation. In Job 11:2 we read, “Shall a multitude of words go unanswered, and a talkative man be acquitted?” The word “acquitted” is a judicial term. This means that a talkative man is going to be found guilty. And the answer that a multitude of words receives is the truthful condemnation they deserve. Proverbs 10:19 warns us, “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” Transgressing God’s law is sin. Sin always hurts. Sin always has consequences. And Proverbs 20:25 tells us, “It is a trap for a man to say rashly, ‘It is holy!’ and after the vows to make inquiry.” What is the trap? Consequences. Our foolish, angry, vain words are going to displease the Lord. That will hurt our fellowship with God, it will hurt our relationship with the person with whom we’re trying to reconcile, and it will hurt us. And finally . . . 4. Wisdom is required to show Christ-honoring restraint. Proverbs 17:27-28 teaches, “He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. 28 Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.” Restraint requires knowledge, the prerequisite to a cool spirit is understanding, and keeping silent is the result of wisdom and prudence. Lastly, I want to acknowledge one other potential situation. We’ve talked about taking too long to get around to reconciliation, and we just looked at the detriment that can come from trying to rush it too quickly and in the wrong way. Now I want to present a real-world example that is difficult because it requires that we balance the two. Let’s say that a child sins in a significant way or a husband or wife cheats on his or her spouse. Let’s say that the person who was sinned against embraced the potential for more conflict, pursued reconciliation, and did it in a Christ-honoring way. And let’s say the sinning child or spouse responded correctly. Now, that’s all on the front end. It wasn’t delayed, it was addressed in a timely manner, and positional reconciliation was achieved. What about the practical reconciliation? I plan to talk about this in more detail later, but for the purposes of today’s topic, there will likely be some legitimate consequences that the sinning party will endure that will occur over a period of time. Those consequences are not a punishment. If they’re done the right way, they are simply part of the sanctification and maturity process. You can listen to our series on Consequences to get a head start on that discussion. Anyway, in situations like these, right and good consequences will take time. Right consequences aren’t prolonging the reconciliation in wrong ways, but this is where balance is necessary. There will come a time when the consequences taper off as the individual grows into maturity and embraces sanctification. Positional reconciliation will transition to complete practical reconciliation as the parties find their relationship not just “back to the way it was,” but better, deeper, and more Christ-honoring. Conclusion
We don’t want to rush reconciliation, but we also don’t want to drag it out. So, how will we balance it and respond correctly to the unique situations we face? We have to fill our minds with the knowledge of God, we have to understand His precepts, and we absolutely must apply that truth to our situation.
We have to wisely prepare our worldviews, reactions, focus, and retaliation. That will take an appropriate amount of time if we’re not used to doing that. But we also have to make time for conflict, resolution, and the time this process is going to take. Trying to rush it in our own strength and for our own purposes is not going to please the Lord. And, yes, the other person may need time to prepare his heart as well. She may also respond poorly, and like we learned from Matthew 18, we’re going to need to repeatedly and consistently keep going back to her. Don’t rush the process. Don’t prolong the process. Find the right balance. And you’re absolutely going to need God’s truth from His Word to navigate the situation in a way that pleases Him. Everyone has conflict in their life, so that means that everyone can benefit from this series, so please share this episode with your friends. And if you would like some unbiased, specialized assistance working through the conflict in your life, please write us at [email protected] or call (828) 423-0894. On our next episode we’re moving into the action phase. We’ve prepared our minds, and we’ve made the time. Now it’s time to speak into the conflict. I’ll see you then.
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