Episode Notes
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TranscriptIntroduction
Welcome back to our parenting series on conflict resolution.
I just returned from a two day conference in Copenhagen, NY, at River of Life Fellowship Church. I and Andrew Rappaport from Striving for Eternity and the Christian Podcast Community got to hang out with Pastor George Gray and his Assistant Pastor Able Larkin, and it was truly a refreshing and wonderful time. I’m mentioning this because new relationships are almost always a delight. They’re full of fresh experiences and every interaction seems brand new. But—over time—that’s when we let down our guards, and we start being less careful to worship God with the relationship. That’s when sin slips in and conflicts arises. But it’s that pattern that so often pushes us to always be seeking those fresh, new relationships as we drift from the older ones. But when we do that, we’re missing out on the glorious beauty that is deep, significant relationships. Yes, we should be meeting new people and growing the radius of our spiritual influence, but we mustn’t neglect the significance of discipleship over time. And if you have those relationships that transcend the years, there will be sin, and that’s what this series is all about. So, don’t forget to use the link below to get online so you can access today’s free episode notes, transcript, and related resources. And—with that—let’s talk about preparing our retaliation. Topic
“Retaliation? Well, Aaron, that sounds a little aggressive.”
You are 100% right. It is aggressive, because in times of conflict our retaliation needs to be aggressive. Now, the reason that doesn’t sound like what you’d expect to hear from me is that you’re probably picturing our retaliation being released against the wrong individual. Yes, retaliating against the wrong person would be bad. We don’t want to do that. So, in order to retaliate correctly, we’re going to have to first establish the Christ-honoring target of our retaliation. But before we set those sights, I want to tell you about our Family United in God Online Course on the Evermind App. This material was originally presented as a podcast series, but then it was packaged as an online course, and we added interactive LifeWork for you and your family to do together as you work through the material. This course normally costs $50, but if you use the link in today’s description, you can get forever-access to the course and all of its resource for only $25. And not only does that help your family, but your purchase also supports this ministry. If you already have the Evermind App, the link in the description will direct you to the order confirmation page, and if you don’t already have the App, just click the link, create a free account, and then confirm your order. The more united our families are, the less conflict we’re going to have in them. So, be sure to register for that online course today. But—let’s be real—even if your family has unity that amazes the people around you, you’re still a family of humans, and that means you’re still going to have conflict to one degree or another. And that’s why, in addition to preparing your worldview, your reaction, and your focus, you need to prepare your retaliation. Today’s lesson is simple, but it’s not easy. You’ll potentially remember it the moment I say it, but you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to remember it when it really counts . . . I know I do. So, let’s set the stage with an illustrative conflict. Let’s say that your child has directly disobeyed a clearly communicated expectation. They didn’t even try. In fact, they responded with a defiant, “No!” You know from our Parenting a Terrorist episode that this kind of behavior is terrorist behavior. And you should remember from our series on friends that this kind of behavior is not the behavior of a loving friend, but of a hateful enemy. So, it’s super easy to conclude that your child is your enemy. And—in one sense—that is true. They are choosing to act like an enemy by not loving you the way God commands, but that truth should not distract us from the fact that—in that moment—there is a much more important enemy hiding behind the scenes. If your child were not a sinner, they would love you as Christ loves you, they would be your friend, and you would never be in this situation. But they are sinners just like you and I are sinners. It’s the sin nature in all of us that tempts us to sin, and it’s that sin nature that needs to be targeted. You see, when we view our child as the enemy needing to be dispatched, our focus turns to what must be done in order to get them to stop doing what they’re doing. And if that’s our only goal, then there are a ton of pragmatic parenting styles that may “work” in this situation. Bribing, coddling, screaming, threatening . . . all of those bad parenting choices may convince the child to stop doing the bad thing and start doing the right thing, but the real issue hasn’t been addressed. So, I want to call you to tension today. Some people would say, “Well, if our kids aren’t the enemy, then we need to stop saying that they’re acting like an enemy.” But that’s not true. Biblically speaking, your child is being your enemy at that moment. Anyone who sins against you is acting like an enemy. And you’re acting like an enemy every time you sin against others. Despite that fact, it is our responsibility to recognize that there is a truer and far greater enemy on which we must be focusing. So, with all of that as an introduction, here’s our first point for the day. 1. Your conflict is with sin, not people. Conflict is the result of sin, and sin is the enemy against which you need to retaliate every single time. In addition to the Family United in God online course, we have some another resource that will build on today’s point. You can check out our Spiritual Warfare Series, part 2 to learn about the False Enemy in your home. But for now, I want to deal with four passages, the last of which is pretty lengthy. Let’s take this time to totally reflect on what God has to say about our retaliation in time of relational conflict. We’ll be starting in Ephesians 6:12, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” The Spiritual Warfare in Your Home series goes into a lot more detail on this particular point, but it’s valuable for us to recognize that our three truest enemies are Satan, the World, and the Flesh. When the Bible talks about “flesh” it’s describing either the human body or this thing we know as the sin nature—that part of us inherited from Adam that causes us to be a sinner by state, disposition, and choice. The Flesh is the focus of our discussion today because it’s the temptation of the Flesh that leads your children to disobey or to spouses selfishly and arrogantly arguing with each other. So, how is one to target the Flesh? How is that different than targeting the person themselves? 2. Your weapon is truth. In II Corinthians 10:3-6 we read, “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, 4 for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. 5 We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, 6 and we are ready to punish all disobedience, whenever your obedience is complete.” In times of conflict we should not be rehearsing all of the things we’re going to say that will make the other person sad or mad or afraid or even “sorry” for what they did. We need to craft a discussion that’s going to target the lofty thoughts that lead them to ultimately rebel against God and subsequently sin against you. These weapons are the truth of God’s Word under which we are to bring every thought captive, resulting in obedience. The fortresses we’re trying to destroy are not people or relationships or wills, we’re trying to destroy the lies we believe. We’re trying to decimate the speculations that arrogantly act like our way is better than God’s. We need to decapitate the thoughts that are delusional enough to conclude that we should do what’s right in our own eyes. And though we will be using words, those words need to be motivated by spiritual goals not personal desires. Those words need to target the sinful spirit, not the individual before us. That means that our words need to be overflowing with God’s truth. Statements like, “I can’t believe you did that to me,” or “I need you to stop,” or “What will your father think,” or “If you keep doing that, no one will want to be your friend,” or “Sometimes I don’t like you,” or even “I can see that you’re mad, tell me how you feel” are all words that are targeting the wrong thing. Those sentences reveal that we’re targeting an enemy other than the sinful thoughts that need to be taken captive to Christ. But when we use biblical terminology and scriptural truth, we’re going to find ourselves saying things like, “Why are you choosing to sin against God right now,” or “What does God think about what you’re doing,” which is similar to “What does the Bible call what you’re doing right now, and what are the consequences It says you need” or “I can see that you’re mad, and there will be consequences for your choice to directly disobey. So, what lie do you think you’re believing that tempted you to do this?” And—let’s be biblical here—retaliating against sin with truth is aggressive. It’s powerful, zealous, forceful, and sharp . . . but all of those words describe biblical tactics that are not sinful. It’s never right to be aggressive and unloving. And that’s why our next point is what it is. When armed with our spiritual content, we also need to recognize that . . . 3. Your weapon is love. Now, if you’ve been following this show long enough, you know what I mean when I say “love.” I mean the same thing the Bible means. Love is wanting and working toward God’s best interest for someone whether or not they deserve or desire it. We have a whole series on biblical family love. You can should check it out. It too is linked in the description. For this point, let’s read Luke 6:27-36. “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either. 30 Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. 31 Treat others the same way you want them to treat you. 32 If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” The weapon you wield against the greatest enemy of sin is truth. The weapon you wield against the individual—the lesser enemy—is love. And, let’s be clear here, the most loving thing we can do in a person’s life is help destroy the fortress of delusional, sinful thinking. The most loving thing we can do is speak the truth in love so that another person can be built up in Christ. We have so many episodes about this, I can’t put them all in the description. But you can imagine how being a Truth.Love.Parent. is something we talk about all the time. And now I want to end with an extended passage from I John 3:1-4:21. This passage is going to expound on all of the concepts we’ve talked about today. Please listen carefully, or if you’re in a place where you can follow along in your own Bible, please do that. I John 3:1-4:21, “See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are.” You will never be able to resolve conflict in a Christ-honoring way if you’re not a born again child of God. “For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. 2 Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is. 3 And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure. 4 Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is lawlessness. 5 You know that He appeared in order to take away sins; and in Him there is no sin. 6 No one who abides in Him sins; no one who sins has seen Him or knows Him.” Let me clarify the point being here just in case there’s any confusion. God is not saying that Christian’s don’t sin. The underlying meaning in the Greek (which has not been clearly communicated in most translations) is that Christians don’t habitually and unrepentantly sin. Unbelievers can’t help but sin because even their good deeds are done for their own pleasure. But Christians are convicted in their sin, and they should be being sanctified. Continuing on in verse 7, “Little children, make sure no one deceives you; the one who practices righteousness is righteous, just as He is righteous; 8 the one who practices sin is of the devil; for the devil has sinned from the beginning. The Son of God appeared for this purpose, to destroy the works of the devil.” Here we see that when we pursue biblical conflict resolution, we’re fulfilling the purposes of God. Sin is of the devil, and since we’re targeting sin in our retaliation—and not the person—we’re targeting the purposes of the devil in this world. “9 No one who is born of God practices sin, because His seed abides in him; and he cannot sin, because he is born of God. 10 By this the children of God and the children of the devil are obvious: anyone who does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor the one who does not love his brother. 11 For this is the message which you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another; 12 not as Cain, who was of the evil one and slew his brother. And for what reason did he slay him? Because his deeds were evil, and his brother’s were righteous. 13 Do not be surprised, brethren, if the world hates you.” Retaliating against a person in word or deed is always the result of sin. We haven’t done a good job of checking our focus by looking to our own hearts for any sin that may be creeping there, and now we’re sinning against them and multiplying the conflict in the situation. Sin is why Cain targeted his brother, and sin is why we target our family members and they target us. “14 We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love abides in death. 15 Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer; and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. 16 We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. 17 But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? 18 Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth. 19 We will know by this that we are of the truth, and will assure our heart before Him 20 in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things.” Our retaliation needs to be in truth. But it shouldn’t just be what we say, it needs to be in how we live. It will never work to sound like we’re saying all the right things while we desire our own way. We must love with word and deed in truth. Let’s pick up in verse 21, and please know that there are so many glorious truths in this passage that we simply don’t have the time to discuss. I’m just trying to pull out the cogent parts for our discussion today. “Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; 22 and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight. 23 This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us. 24 The one who keeps His commandments abides in Him, and He in him. We know by this that He abides in us, by the Spirit whom He has given us.” Now we’re moving in I John 4. “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 2 By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God; 3 and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God; this is the spirit of the antichrist, of which you have heard that it is coming, and now it is already in the world. 4 You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world. 5 They are from the world; therefore they speak as from the world, and the world listens to them.” They do not speak truth in love for the tearing down of lofty thoughts and the building up of the person. They speak for the tearing down of the person and the building up of themselves. That is how the world tries to deal with conflict. But verse 6 says, “We are from God; he who knows God listens to us; he who is not from God does not listen to us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error. 7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.” There’s this perpetual dichotomy between the strategies of the world and of the children of God, and the strategies of God’s people are clearly defined as a coupling of truth and love. “8 The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. 9 By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. 13 By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. 14 We have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16 We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. 19 We love, because He first loved us. 20 If someone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. 21 And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.” Again, there is so much to glean from that passage, but I hope you saw that our greatest enemy is anything and everything that disagrees with God, and our greatest weapons are truth and love which target the greatest enemy. Now, here’s the last thing we need to understand, and then I have a question for you. Please remember that this is still the preparation step. If you’re allowing words to spill out of your mouth without first carefully preparing your worldview, your reaction, your focus, and your retaliation so that they all agree with God and are offered on the altar for His glory . . . then you are in sin and just as much a problem in this conflict as the other people are. This is the preparation step. As you prepared your worldview, you were remembering that disagreement is not wrong, but sin is. As you prepared your reaction, you tuned your heart to be thankful for what God wants to accomplish in your life during this conflict. As you prepared your focus, you begged God to help you search your own heart for any lurking sin that might multiply the current conflict. And as you’re preparing your retaliation, you’re not so much formulating a script as you are reminding yourself that the other person is not the enemy. You are going to need biblical truth to decimate the greater enemy, and you’re going to need love to handle the lesser enemy. But we’re not talking yet. It would be foolish to try to resolve conflict when we’re arrogantly incapable of accepting disagreement, we’re not thankful for the situation, we’re not even remotely interested to consider that we may be sinning, and we’re compiling our script to take our opponent off at the knees. “But, Aaron, all of this work, and we’re not even really addressing the problem yet.” No, my friends, that is decidedly untrue. These steps are helping you address the biggest problem in the situation . . . your own sinful heart. Only when we have torn down the fortresses of sinful thinking in our own lives can we help destroy those same fortresses in another’s life . . . and those are Jesus’ words. Conclusion
So, in conclusion, What do you need to change in order to target the sin in the conflict instead of the person?
I would encourage you to memorize and regularly recite Ephesians 6:12 and II Corinthians 10:3-6. We must intentionally and premeditatedly rewire our thinking, and that is going to take purposeful meditation on God’s Word. And if you really struggle with this, I would challenge you not to speak a word in times of conflict until you have looked at the other person and said, “I don’t want to fight you. I want to fight with you to target the real enemy in this situation, and that’s my sin and your sin. Will you help me do that?” Perhaps it will help all of your focus on what’s most important. Please share this episode with your friends, and definitely register for the Family United in God online course in the Evermind App. The link in the description will get it all set up for you. And remember that you can always reach out to us at [email protected] or call (828) 423-0894. This is the last episode on the preparation step. Now we’re going to take our first steps to actually address the conflict. Join us next time as we talk about making time for conflict.
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