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TranscriptIntroduction
I’m your host AMBrewster, and I welcome you back to our Biblical Conflict Resolution series. Always be sure that you are caught up with the previous episodes in the series so that all of the information makes sense because it all builds on each itself.
And then avail yourself of the free episode notes, transcript, and related resources that are included with every episode of Truth.Love.Parent. You can find links to all of that information in the description of the episode. Last time we talked about preparing your worldview, and also last time I told you that today’s topic was going to be about preparing your “mind” . . . and I believe I owe you an explanation because that’s not what title says. Topic
Let’s be honest. We already know that there are two parts of a human. We have a body and a spirit. The body is our physical, tangible selves, and our spirit is our intangible self. The brain is the body, but the mind is the spirit. The heart and the will are also the spirit.
The mind is responsible for believing, for thinking, for desiring, for deciding, for meditating, etc. So, if we’re being consistent, preparing our worldview dealt with the mind, preparing your focus, your retaliation, and preparing your conflict is all going to happen in your mind. So, what did I mean when I said that today’s episode subtitle would be, “Prepare Your Mind”? I admit, it was too vague and confusing. So I meditated for quite a while on what exactly we would be talking about today. And it was a struggle landing on one word that would accurately communicate the truth we’re going to learn without obfuscating it. Last time we wanted to focus on your fundamental belief system, and today we’re going to focus in on the spiritual reaction we should have to conflict. But even there, that word “reaction” can be interpreted in unhelpful ways. All of that to say, the subtitle of today’s show is “Preparing Your Reaction,” but we need to carefully understand what our biblical responsibility is on this point or we’re going to actually be working against Christ-honoring reconciliation. When I say “prepare your reaction,” I am not talking about formulating what you’re going to say to the person who has sinned against you. To be honest, it’s way too early in the biblical conflict resolution process for that. There are still three more preparatory steps that have to be taken before we will be ready to plan our response to the conflict. Therefore, know from the very beginning, all of these preparation steps involve preparing yourself to glorify God in the conflict and resolution. At this point, we still don’t know what we mean by “prepare your reaction,” but that’s exactly what we’re going to be discussing today. However, before I do that, allow me to tell you about Truth.Love.Family’s online course called “25 Days to Becoming a Premeditated Parent.” This course used to be emailed to participants, but now that we have the Evermind App, you can compete the “25 Days to Becoming a Premeditated Parent” online course on your phone, laptop, or personal computer. Please use the link in the description of today’s episode to access this absolutely free parenting course on the Evermind App. Alright, let’s prepare our reactions to conflict. The truth we must all learn and live in today is super counterintuitive. In fact, it may chafe some of you to hear what I have to say today. Therefore, I want to call us all to humility and remind us that we all need to be willing to acknowledge that we have to change before we’ll be able to engage in conflict resolution that pleases the Lord. So, allow me to set the stage by reading 5 passages of Scripture with absolutely no comment. I’m going to start with the longest passage, which is II Corinthians 4:7-18, “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; 8 we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 11 For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So death works in us, but life in you. 13 But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I believed, therefore I spoke,” we also believe, therefore we also speak, 14 knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you. 15 For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God. 16 Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. 17 For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, 18 while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” Now consider Romans 5:3-5, “We also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” I Peter 1:6-7 reads, “In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” How about James 1:2-4, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” And finally, Romans 8:28-29 tells us, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. 29 For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren.” There are 4 desperately important lessons we must learn today, and all four of them have one main truth in common. Here it is. Are you ready? In order to glorify God in biblical conflict resolution, you must prepare your reaction to conflict. And that reaction must be . . . gratitude. That’s right. You heard me correctly. Now, if you’re reacting to that reaction with a bunch of pushback and objections, I’m glad you’re thinking about it. That’s good. But hear me out before making your final decision. Engage in humble contemplation before throwing this baby out with the bathwater. I am going to argue that the Bible makes it very clear that We must be thankful for the disagreements and the conflicts in our lives. “But, Aaron, how can you say that? Didn't you just tell us that conflict involves sin? We all know that sin hurts and destroys. How on earth am I supposed to be thankful in conflict?” In order to answer your question, we need to consider four biblical commands. 1. Acknowledge that God is working. James 1:2 commanded us to respond joyfully to all of the various trials we encounter. Why? How? Verse 3 says, “knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” God is the one who tests our faith. God is the one working through the trial to accomplish His glory and our best. That’s what Romans 8:28-29 explains as well. All things work together for good because God is working in all things to conform us to the image of His Son. Do you remember I Peter 1:6-7, “In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Remember that longer passage from II Corinthians? Paul was able to respond the way he did because he believed that God was working through all the discomfort and pain. But God’s not just doing that in your life. When conflict occurs between you and your spouse or children, God wants to use the situation—even their own sin—to open their eyes to their need for Him. He’s working through the conflict to draw everyone in the conflict to Him. This is why our second lesson today is . . . 2. Hope all things and believe all things of the other person. I Corinthians 13:7 explains that love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” We need to approach times of conflict not only rejoicing that God wants to use the situation for all of our best, but that when the other people submit to Him, they will do the right thing. They too will respond the right way. It’s natural and human and fleshly to react to conflict assuming the other person is just going to continue being dumb and obstinate and wicked. But God calls us to bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things. That means that we must be thankful that God is working and that the other person can—by God’s grace—respond and grow through this situation. And—ultimately—that the’s real root of the gratitude. 3. Be thankful for what God is doing in the situation and the fact that reconciliation is always possible in His strength. I Thessalonians 5:18 commands, “In everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6 tells us to, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Ephesians 5:20 illustrates, “Always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father.” Colossians 3:15 admonishes us to “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.” And two verses later in Colossians 3:17 we read, “Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.” We find so many commands in the Scriptures to be thankful for the various trials in our lives because we serve an awesome God Who is actively at work accomplishing His plan, empowering His people, and is ready to affect mighty change in everyone involved. And if we submit to this truth, we’re going to . . . 4. Follow Jesus’ example. In John 11:1-46 we learn about the death of one of Jesus’ closest friends, Lazarus. But most of us are far more familiar with the fact that Lazarus was raised from the dead than we are the desperately important truths Jesus was teaching Martha and His disciples through the situation. And we’re far more familiar with those lessons than we are Jesus’ own reaction to the death of His friend. But there are three key responses Jesus had to the situation which are outlined throughout the chapter. The first lesson is that Jesus allowed Lazarus to die. Being God, Jesus could have healed Lazarus from a distance, but He didn’t. He could have left immediately and healed Lazarus before he died, but He didn’t. The Bible specifically tells us that “He then stayed two days longer in the place where He was.” Not only that, but being God, Jesus was sovereignly in control of Lazarus’ death. It wasn’t a result of inaction so much as it was a deliberate action on God’s part. Of course, we can’t emulate Jesus in that regard, but it’s really important for us to recognize that Jesus was fully committed to realizing God’s perfect plan . . . even when it involved the death of His friends . . . or Himself. But not only did Jesus allow Lazarus to die, the second lesson is that Jesus was glad Lazarus died (even though it was hard for everyone involved). In verse 14 we read, “So Jesus then said to them plainly, ‘Lazarus is dead, 15 and I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, so that you may believe; but let us go to him.’” Jesus was glad that He had not been there to heal Lazarus. Why is that? Because Jesus knew that the situation was going to be used to help His followers deepen their faith. However, the third lesson is the key. Jesus was glad Lazarus died—even though it brought Him to tears—because it provided an opportunity for God to be glorified. Standing outside of Lazarus’ tomb, having just admonished Martha by telling her “Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” Jesus lifts His voice to the Father and says, “Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. 42 I knew that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me.” Jesus was on this earth to bring ultimate glory to the Father, and Jesus was thankful that His friend died because He knew it was going to be used by God to strengthen His followers and ultimately give the Father all the glory for what was done. So too, we must reorient our reaction to conflict. Instead of becoming bitter or resentful or angry or fearful or depressed or hopeless in the face of conflict—even sustained conflict—we have been commanded by God to rejoice . . . not in the sin, but in the fact that God is powerful and loving and actively working in the situation to draw you and your family members to Him. And that is definitely something about which we can be eternally thankful. Conclusion
So, here are some reflection questions for you.
What is your attitude concerning the value of conflict? Most people try to avoid it. We run from it. We hate it. And—no—I’m not saying we should actively try to create conflict. That would be a sin. What I’m saying is that we shouldn’t run from it when it appears in our lives. We have a huge part to play in glorifying God by growing because of it and by influencing others to do the same. We need to be thankful for that divine calling. So, with that said . . . What do you need to do differently to respond correctly to sinful conflict? The first thing we all have to do when people disagree with us—and even when they sin in that disagreement and create conflict—we need to consciously choose to be thankful for the situation. We need to intelligently trust God’s promises and commands. On the flip side, we need to actively fight the temptation to not be grateful. We have no right to not be thankful. Remember I Thessalonians 5:18, “In everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” But this shouldn’t be ignorant faith. Our ability to be thankful must be rooted in the fact that we know and trust that God is fulfilling His plan . . . that this situation can be the best thing for us as long as we love Him and are working toward His purposes. Then this situation has the ability to conform us to the image of Christ. Consciously rehearse these truths to yourself. It will help you maintain the right mindset about the disagreement or conflict. However, you also need to stop sinning in the disagreement. You’re not glorifying God or changing for the better as you continue to do wrong in the conflict. This includes being sinfully angry, ungrateful, hopeless, anxious, depressed, and the like. If you’re sinning against God and the other person in these ways, you’re just as much part of the problem as they are. But thank the Lord that despite your own stubborn rebellion, He still wants to use the situation to draw you to Him. And that’s the reaction you need to prepare to have. Your first reaction to disagreement and conflict needs to be, “Thank you, Lord, for allowing this situation into my life. I praise You for wanting to use this conflict to mature me and the other person. Dear God, may You be glorified as we both submit to your plan.” Please share this episode on your favorite social media outlets, and don’t hesitate to contact us at [email protected] or (828) 423-0894 if you would like to work with a biblical counselor. I hope you’ll join us next time as we once again open God’s Word to discover how to best worship God with our parenting. To that end, we’ll be discussing what it means to prepare your focus for conflict.
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