TLP 4: Don’t Lose Your Influence!

You've made it to Episode 4, and I’m glad you did because we’re going to discuss a hugely important factor in a healthy relationship between parent and child. You may not have considered the importance of our topic today. I know I didn’t truly appreciate it until I moved to the Northwoods of Wisconsin and started working at Victory Academy for Boys. 

You see, we work with teens in crisis, and every family that sends their boy to our school has one vital element in common: in each situation dad and mom have lost something without which it’s impossible to parent. They lost their influence. In every situation mom and dad no longer had the ability to influence their son. It’s at this place where most parents start looking for help. They may’ve spoken to pastors or friends before this, but when they reach the point where nothing they say or do has any affect, they’re next move is to google someone, anyone who can influence their son.

The ability to influence our children is rarely appreciated until it’s lost. And when it’s lost it’s very hard to recapture. I’d like to take a future episode to consider “How to Win Back Your Influence,” and if that’s a topic you would be very interested in, please email us at TeamTLP@TruthLoveParent.com. But today I want to dedicate this episode to the parents who’ve not lost their influence. Today’s episode is called “Don’t Lose Your Influence,” and we’re going to look to God’s Word to see what influence is and how to maintain and invest in this invaluable parenting commodity.

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1. What is Influence?
   
   1. Merriam-Webster defines influence as “the power to change or affect someone or something: the power to cause changes without directly forcing them to happen.”
      
      1. We influence internal attributes like personality.
         
      2. We influence external attributes like the way people dress.
         
      3. But all lasting change comes only through the power of God and His Word.
         
   2. The Bible doesn’t use the English word often. In fact, the KJV doesn’t use it at all. The NASB uses it two times, and the ESV uses it three times all in the book of II Corinthians.
      
      1. A Positive Example - II Corinthians 10:15b-16 “Our hope is that as your faith increases, our area of influence among you may be greatly enlarged, so that we may preach the gospel in the lands beyond you, without boasting of work already done in another’s area of influence.” (ESV)
         
      2. A Negative Example - II Thessalonians 2:11 “For this reason God will send upon them a deluding influence so that they will believe what is false.” (NASB)
         
   3. As Webster’s definition of influence is the type of relationship we’d like to have with our students, but as the Bible doesn’t utilize the English word “influence,” we must delve into the original languages of the Scripture to find the best corresponding word to study.
      
   4. Of all the biblical words that describe influence we are to have on each other, one of the most dynamic is the Greek word noutheteo.
      
      1. Jay Adams loved this word so much he coined the term Nouthetic Counseling and started NANC (National Association of Nouthetic Counselors) which is now ACBC (Association of Certified Biblical Counselors).
         
      2. I believe it’s the most dynamic NT word because it’s a vital facet of intentional, Christ-honoring body life.
         
      3. Common definitions - “To put in mind,” “warn,” “admonish (the most common translation),” and “used of instruction and warning”
         
         1. Some of us are very good at influencing by edification and encouragement, which can be done at a comfortable distance. But the commands to rebuke, correct, and admonish often aggravate our personal bubbles. 
            
         2. Most people enjoy our teaching in the sense that teachers “impart truth,” however admonishment pricks at our pride because God’s truth shows us we’re wrong, warns us, and calls for change.
            
         3. This most vital form of influence, however, that is the easiest to lose. Admonishment is eternally necessary in our families and churches, but we don’t do it because we don’t like doing it or we don’t do it the right way.
            
2. The Prerequisites of Admonishment
   
   1. “Do not regard him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.” II Thessalonians 3:15
      
   2. You cannot admonish an unbeliever. You cannot influence the unsaved in any way that matters.“Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from every bother who leads an unruly life and not according to the tradition which you received from us.” II Thessalonians 3:6
      
   3. There are a heart-breaking number of parents who assume their children or friends are saved. They’ve been trying to admonish a spiritually dead person and failing. That type of parenting/body life is hopeless. 
      
   4. By all means, bring up your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, but if they rebuff that nurture and repeatedly ignore Christ-honoring admonition, you should refocus your efforts on evangelism. 
      
   5. Sometimes we lose our ability to influence because we’re trying to get a dead body to walk.
      
3. The Foundation of Admonishment
   
   1. “I do not write these things to shame you, but to admonish you as my beloved children.” I Corinthians 4:14
      
   2. You cannot admonish someone you don’t love.
      
      1. If I’m angry or annoyed, whatever I’m saying is likely not admonishment.
         
      2. It’s impossible to admonish when my goal is to get you to stop doing something for my sake. Think about it, the child is sinning because worshipping themselves seems far more fun.  If they aren’t interested in worshipping God, what makes you think they want to worship you?
         
         1. “I can’t believe you said that in front of the pastor! He probably thinks I don’t know how to parent.”
            
         2. “You really need to get to work on time because I have to pick up the slack when you’re not here.”
            
         3. Sometimes we lose our ability to influence because of our own selfish idolatry.
            
4. The Goal of Admonishment is Not . . .
   
   1. to Threaten - “We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.” I Thessalonians 5:14
      
   2. to Shame
      
      1. “I do not write these things to shame you . . . .” I Corinthians 4:14
         
      2. “If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of that person and do not associate with him, so that he will be put to shame. Yet do not regard him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.” II Thessalonians 3:14-15
         
      3. Certain consequences cause shame, but admonition is delivered to prevent those consequences.
         
   3. to Nag
      
      1. I Samuel 2:24 - That sounds pretty good, right? But what’s the content?
         
      2. Remonstration is to disagree and argue or complain about something. Repeated remonstrance becomes nagging.
         
      3. How do you stop nagging? Use God’s Word to instruct the listener to do the right thing in the right way for the right reason.
         
         1. For Eli this would have looked like: showing his sons that they must turn from their sin against an alright God and obey His Word.
            
         2. Warning them to stop because of the consequences that God will bring on them for their sin, but also teaching them how to function as priests the right way. Put off, renew, put on.
            
         3. Instructing them to obey God for his glory, not merely to save their own hide.
            
5. The Goal of Admonishment is . . .
   
   1. To assist in sanctifying believers by wisely teaching the Word of God by the power of the Spirit.
      
   2. “Sanctifying believers by wisely teaching” - “We proclaim Him, admonishing every man and teaching every man with all wisdom, so that we may present every man complete in Christ.” Colossians 1:28
      
      1. Similar to the injunction to husbands that they love their wives as Christ loved the church.
         
      2. Jesus is sanctifying His church by the washing of water by the Word in order to present her blameless.
         
      3. We cannot personally affect sanctification in the lives of our children and peers, but we can provide the water of the Word which God uses to wash them.
         
   3. “With the Word of God” - “Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom  teaching and admonishing one another with palms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.” Colossians 3:16
      
   4. “By the power of the Spirit” - “For this purpose also I labor, striving according to His power, which mightily works within me.” Colossians 1:29 (God only empowers us to do His will.)

Conclusion: People may ignore your admonishment because they reject God’s Truth. If that’s the case, they need to be evangelized. But if a genuine brother or sister rejects our admonition, it’s likely because we’re being unloving, unbiblical - actually both - and therefore are impotent to be used by God to influence another.
If you’ve realized that you have lost the ability to minister truth to the heart of believers in your life, I would encourage you to talk with one of our pastors. Threatening, shaming, and nagging are so easy to do, but they’re all dynamiting your relationships. Restoring your ability to influence includes what we’ve seen today, but there are other vital steps that will need to be taken in the process. Turn around before you get there. Don’t lose your influence!