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TranscriptIntroduction
Welcome back to our final session in this 4-part series on Useful Family Relationships. If you’re just joining us, please gather your family, print out the LlifeWork, and start on episode 639.
And if you’ve been working though Philemon with us, I hope your family is also with you, they all have their LifeWork, and you’re ready to work through the final 10 growth opportunities. In total, with last week’s session, there are 20 different practical requirements to be a useful family member. I hope these 20 items (daunting though they may be) will be constantly revisited and applied and practiced in your home. You can post the list where everyone can see it. You can discuss one over dinner every evening. You can revisit the list when people in the family aren’t being useful to God and others—identifying in which character trait they need to grow. There are so many ways we can use and pursue the items on this list. And I hope—if nothing else—your family finishes this study with an understanding that everyone in your family still needs to grow. I need to mature. My wife needs to keep growing in the image of Jesus. My children need to deepen their relationship with the Lord. This is a whole-family endeavor, and we absolutely must be purposefully becoming more like Christ. Part of that process—because we all know that merely listening to 4 podcast episodes isn’t going to change anyone—part of the process can include the various resources we attach to each episode. Whether it’s the free LifeWork, transcript, or the related resources, we present them all to you as tools you can use to grow in your spiritual maturity. Be sure to check out the description of today’s episode for links to all of those resources. And now let’s begin. Topic
As I mentioned, the letter to Philemon is not a how-to guide. It’s a personal letter that practically exhibits how Christians talk and act when they truly believe God’s Word. We’re picking out the various truths Paul communicated and identifying if we are living in the light as Paul illustrates for us in this letter.
In addition, please remember that today’s list of practical applications is a continuation of last week’s list. That’s why we’re starting with number 11. Also, don’t forget that since this is a List Episode, we’re going to be dealing with each of these points very superficially with the hopes that as you identify your struggles, you’ll continue the study on your own or as a family. And we also talked about how the best application for you is going to be precise and specific and unique to you and your situation. Therefore, each of the applications I’m going to share with you are too broad. They’re true. They absolutely need to be pursued. You mustn’t ignore them because they’re not as precise as they need to be. It’s up to you and your disciplers to create a more precise application of this truth. But before we get into that, if you have enjoyed this series, if your family better understands how they need to change in order to be more useful to God and the family, please consider becoming a monthly donor. We desperately need your assistance if we’re going to be able to continue creating these free resources. You can visit TruthLoveParent.com/donate to sign up. It might only be $10 or $100 a month, but every little bit helps. Please, please, please visit TruthLoveParent.com/donate and sign up today. And now, let’s get started on our very important, non-negotiable LifeWork. 11. According to verse 11, what must our relationships be? We aren’t going to read this verse because we’ve already discussed it. In fact, this is the portion of the letter from which we got the name for our series. If you remember, Onesimus’ name literally meant “useful.” Understanding this helps us appreciate the wordplay Paul used in verses 10 and 11 where Paul describes Onesimus as being “formerly . . . useless to you, but now is useful both to you and to me.” That is the kind of relationship God desires His people to have—useful ones. Last week’s and today’s lists of relationship characteristics make for the most useful (and glorious) relationships on the planet. This is what it’s all about. We want to stop being useless to people and God. We want to love God and others and be pursuing the Father’s plan for our lives. What is that plan for you? Well, I’ll tell you this . . . the most important parts of that plan are discussed in the pages of Scripture. That’s where you’re going to find God’s plan for your life. But—before we move on—I want you to know that I have a very helpful resource linked for you in the description. It’s a series called, “God's Will for Your Child,” and not only does it unpack a number of important non-negotiable truths for all God’s people, but there’s also a resource for helping your child identify a Christ-honoring occupation, as well as an episode all about how to make any and all decisions to the glory of God. I hope you’ll check that out. 12. According to verses 18-19, for what should we be willing to sacrifice? In verses 18-19 Paul promises to repay anything that Onesimus may own Philemon. Since we’re assuming that Onesimus may have stolen from Philemon when he originally ran away, and since Onesimus likely spent all that he stole, and as a slave wouldn’t have been able to make much money while traveling to and living in Rome, Paul was willing to cover his debt. Paul was ready to do whatever it took to remove any distractions so that Philemon and Onesimus could focus on the most important thing—reconciliation. Reconciliation is the process by which we address the wrongs, ask for forgiveness, grant that forgiveness, and return to a Christ-honoring relationship where we’re both loving God and each other. So, what are you willing to sacrifice so that others be reconciled to God, to others, and to you? Are you prepared to help your family members in this process, or are you more interested in your own comfort? Who in your family needs to be reconciled to someone else, and what are you prepared to do to assist that process? 13. This previous point is why Paul could say in verses 15 and 16 that our relationships should grow stronger when we experience conflict and difficulty. Like a broken bone once reset will heal stronger than it was before it was broken, so a Christ-honoring relationship should be stronger once reconciled than it was before the sin that caused the initial break. Is your relationship with your dad weaker than it used to be? Has your relationship with your sibling or spouse deteriorated? Which of your family relationships needs to be stronger and closer and better? What should you do to help that relationship be pleasing to the Lord? In order to do this, you should look at our Biblical Conflict Resolution material. 14. According to verse 14, our relationships should have mutual what? Verse 14 says, “but without your consent I did not want to do anything, so that your goodness would not be, in effect, by compulsion but voluntary.” Once again, the word for which we’re searching is not going to be found in the text. So, we have to engage our minds to understand what’s really happening here. Paul could have simply told Philemon what to do, and had Philemon been any more spiritually immature, Paul probably would have. But Paul knew that Philemon, though he wasn’t perfect, was mature enough to want to please the Lord and heed Paul’s advice. As I look at this, I see that Paul was willing to respect Philemon. Do you start by giving God’s people the benefit of the doubt that they’ll submit to truth when confronted by it? Hoping all things and believing all things is loving, and loving people is the best way to respect them. Of course, the person may prove by their actions that they aren’t mature enough to pursue obedience, and we will likely have to change our tactics, but we should try to start respecting our saved family members enough to give them the benefit of the doubt that they will do right when confronted by Scripture. 15. According to verse 7, our relationships should provide what? We read verse 7 a couple sessions ago. It reads, “For I have come to have much joy and comfort in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother." We should truly enjoy the useful relationships we have with God’s people, and we should be a joy to God’s people. Are you a joy to your family, or do your family members brace for impact when you enter the room? What do you need to be to start being a refreshing joyful influence in your family? I’m sure if you asked the people in your family, they may have some biblical suggestions for what you can do. 16. Also according to verse 7, what else should our relationships provide? Paul had joy and comfort. Is your biblical love for others a comfort—not because you let people get away with sin, but because people can trust that you will always point them back to the most important reality in this world—their relationship with God? Are you a trustworthy, mature comfort in your home? What can you do to be more comforting to your parents, spouse, children, or siblings? Just remember, true comfort is not just making people feel good in their sin. True comfort comes from loving others as God loves you. 17. In verses 7 and 20, how does Paul describe a useful relationship? The Greek word translated “refreshed” and “refresh” refers to a ceasing from labor to recovers one’s strength—a necessary rest that rejuvenates. It’s like a break or a vacation. Can those who know us best say that we refresh their hearts in Christ? Are you a refreshment in your family? 18. According to verse 15 these earthly relationships are also what? Forever is a long time. Though we may be separated from each other for a time, these truly useful relationships are designed to be eternal. Praise God that the relationships we’re building with God’s people here on earth are designed to last forever! Are you building a foundation that will need to be unmade in order for it to last eternally, or will the useful relationships you have with God’s people beautifully transition to their eternal state? We need to be building the useful relationships that will seamlessly transition into glory. 19. According to verse 20 our relationships should what each other? Verse 20 says, “Yes, brother, let me benefit from you in the Lord.” All useful relationships will always benefit everyone in it. But we must always remember that a truly beneficial relationship will always be defined by God. We’re never benefiting anyone by sinning against them. We also don’t benefit anyone by encouraging them in their sin . . . no matter how much they like it. A truly beneficial relationship will result in the other person being more like God. What needs to change in your life to be a more beneficial influence in your family? And finally . . . 20. In order to have truly useful relationships, you must first be a prisoner, worker, soldier, and child of God. And then you must take full advantage of all the resources God provides. Only then can you experience what it’s like to have a genuinely useful relationship to the glory of God. And here we’ve come full circle. On our first session we saw how God wants His children to be identified, and then we worked through a list of the resources God provides so that we can be the people He wants us to be. Then we worked through these 20 points to better understand how we’re to live, and it’s here and now that we see that living a useful life will result in strengthening our identify in Christ. We can only truly be a good prisoner, worker, soldier, and child of God when we fully submit to Him. Now, some of you may be wondering how I constructed this list. I’ve been jumping back and forth in the letter; why didn’t I just work through from beginning to end? This list moves from the most basic and necessary facets of usefulness and grows into the characteristics of the more mature useful relationships. It all starts with salvation in Christ. That’s the most fundamental necessity of a useful relationship, but that’s not the end. From there we need to live like a biblical family . . . united in God. Love was the next requirement, and then we saw the importance of speaking truth. These are all very fundamental necessities for usefulness. From there we started to get into character traits that require more maturity. We must be humble in order to accept truth spoken in love. We need to be strong in order for obedience to be our passion. Immature people also don’t serve each other. And immature people don’t pursue consistent goodness. Then our 9th character trait shifted from what might appear to be mere external behaviors to the inward motivations. We saw the importance of being genuinely willing to do right—to really want it. And the 10th trait was being biblically accepting—mature enough to appreciate Christ-honoring differences and genuinely enjoy spending time with each other. And then we talked about being useful, willing to sacrifice, growing ever stronger, and respect. And it’s at these higher phases of biblical usefulness that we start to be a joy, comfort, and refreshment, able to truly appreciate the eternality of these relationships, and—ultimately—genuinely being a biblical, valuable, useful benefit in your family. This list wasn’t random, it set identifiable stepping stones. If you aren’t beneficial to your family, it’s because you aren’t valuable, refreshing, a comfort, and joyous to your family. If you aren’t those things, it’s because you’re not respectful, strong, sacrificial, and useful. If you’re not those things, it’s because you’re not accepting and willing to do right. And if you’re not willing to do right, you’re probably not good, serving, and humble. And if you’re not that, then you’re not speaking truth in love as a true family member should. And that’s probably because you’re not really born again into new life in Christ. Of course, this list isn’t in the only right order (that would be ridiculous to claim), and—truthfully—many of these things happen simultaneously as we mature—but I hope you see how it was carefully built to provide a roadmap for growing in usefulness. I also hope you see how cyclical it is. True speaking truth in love is obedience that requires humility and will be refreshing. Serving people is a biblical family trait that grows from an understanding of our eternal relationship. Each of these character traits needs to impact and influence the others. So, how about you? Of the previous 20 points, which 5 describe your best relationships? I hope as you answer this question, you do so biblically. You might say you’re loving, but you only say that because of how you feel toward someone. But biblical love isn’t merely a feeling. Biblical love is defined by God as truly wanting and working toward God’s best interest in the person’s life. If you don’t know God’s plan and aren’t working toward it, then that relationship isn’t really loving. So, please be careful as you identify the 5 character traits that you believe are alive and well in your relationships. But also remember that just because these might be visible in your life, it doesn’t mean you don’t need to continue maturing in them. And then the second application question asks “Of the previous 20 points, which 5 do not typically characterize your relationships?” Again, be honest about this. We all need to grow in all of these points, but the top 5 that come to your mind are probably where you need to start. By the way, you should be humble enough to invite your family to help you identify your 5 best and worst characteristics. They can see the blindspots you can’t. Of course, those two application questions are only the start. From there, you need to get more and more specific as you figure out precisely how you need to grow and change in the unique family relationships you have. Let me end with one example. Let’s say that I need to be more patient. That’s true, but with whom do I struggle the most being patient. So, I identify that I need to be more patient with my daughter. Now, I’ve narrowed the application to the relationship with which I need to grow the most in my patience. From there, I should identify the times I’m most tempted to not be patient with her. How about this, I need to be more patient with my daughter when she forgets to take out the recycling. That’s a good start, but what does it mean to be biblically patient? What does being patient look like in that moment when I told her to take out the reclining hours ago and it’s still not done and she’s sitting on the couch? What are indicators that I’m not being patient? You see how as I continue to make this application as unique to me and the situation as possible that it becomes much more detailed? That’s what we all need to do with each of these 20 elements of useful relationships. Conclusion
I pray this series has set your family on the road to usefulness. From here, I hope you’ll come back week to week for more biblical family content. But I also want to give you a gift. Since you made it to the end of this short study, you can use the link in the description of this episode to get a 50% discount on our Family United in God Devotional.
And you can—as always—find many links to plenty of other resources that will help you dive deeper into our list. Also, please share this series with a family that wants to be more useful to God and others, and reach out to by email at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894 if our biblical counselors can serve your family. And don’t forget that your donations will make it possible for us to continue creating this free content as we minister to families all over the world. And I look forward to meeting with you next week to broaden our understanding of humility. I’ll see you then.
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