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TranscriptIntroduction
Welcome back, my friends; it’s so good to be here with you today. Whenever and wherever you happen to be listening to this, I know it’s an investment of your time that I take very seriously. God hates waste, and we’re called to redeem our time, and that’s why we emphasize learning how to parent from the pages of God’s Word. There’s no better way to invest these moments together.
If you’re new to the show, we welcome you, and I want you to know that the vast majority of our 630 episodes come with free notes, a transcript, and links to related resources so that if you hear something today into which you want to dig deeper or something sparks a question I didn’t answer, there will likely be an episode or series that will take you to that next step in your understanding. It’s not good enough to just blindly accept something. Sure, if we’re blindly following truth, at least we’re going in the right direction, but God wants us to understand and wisely know how to apply His truth, so that’s why we must always be reading, meditating, studying, and using the Bible in our lives. So, let’s begin. Topic
As parents, one could argue that we do nothing all day long other than give advice. Yes, of course, we laugh and play and mess around, but even then advising of one sort or another will probably work itself in.
And though we might prefer to describe our parenting using biblical terms like teaching, reproving, correcting, training, admonishing, and the like . . . it could all legitimately be put under the category of advising. Merriam-Webster defines advice simply as a “recommendation regarding a decision or course of conduct” and they list counsel as a synonym. Since we know we can’t actually make our kids submit to God, and since we know that God has put us into their lives to keep His truth ever before their eyes, advice-givers is not a terrible way to describe parents. But, of course, the fact that we can’t make our kids submit to God does not mean that we don’t expect it and give consequences for failing to do it. I don’t want to paint us as royal advisors whose hands are tied—all they can do is give advice and nothing else. That is a very wrong picture of biblical parenting. And I don’t want to get lost in semantics today. We could have just as easily called today’s show “Counsel Worth Giving,” “Truth Worth Teaching,” or “Parenting Worth Parenting.” So, moving on, we only have two main points today. Compared to our last 13 point episode, I’m sure that causes some of you to breath a sigh of relief. We’re going to look at the temptations to give secular advice and compare it with the necessity to give biblical advice. But before we go any further, I need to remind you of our current initiative to get this ministry to a place where it’s self-sustaining so that we can impact more families around the globe for God’s glory. Over the past 6 years, a handful of faithful donors have given about $20,000 a year to this ministry. But simple math will reveal that $20,000 doesn’t cover the operating costs of a full-time ministry as well as provide for my family via my salary. So we’re praying that by September of 2026, our 10th anniversary, the Lord will use you and many other families to help us raise $100,000 of annual support. Compared to many ministries, that’s still an unsustainable number, but that dollar amount would be a miracle for us. It would allow us to continue writing new books, creating more free resources for you, and even opening a brick and mortar counseling center. And all it takes is a bunch of God’s people giving 20, 50, 100, or more dollars once a month. And when everyone’s pennies are put together, they’ll add up to more than what we need. Will you please visit TruthLoveParent.com/donate and become a monthly donor? One-time gifts are also appreciated, but when you give monthly, we can budget more confidently into the coming years. Thank you for your consideration and prayer in this matter. We look forward to being a sustainable Bible-based family ministry very soon. And now back to the topic at hand. Let’s start by considering the bad advice we’re so often tempted to give our kids. 1. Foolish Secular Advice A. “If there’s a bad consequence, don’t do it.” The other side of this advice is “If it feels good, do it.” This advice is basically designed to avoid suffering. Now, generally it’s a good rule of thumb to not put one’s self into dangerous situations. The advice might be medical or financial or relational. But quite often, what sounds like good advice to avoid difficulty often leads us in an even more dangerous direction. One example is “Happy wife, happy life.” Nothing is more important than having a happy life, therefore, keep your wife happy. But since this advice is designed only to help us avoid that which is difficult, challenging, uncomfortable, or costly, it misses the mark in the following ways. First, it intentionally or unintentionally assumes retribution theology. Like Job’s friends, we assume that uncomfortable consequences occur because we’ve made bad choices and that blessing is always a consequence of making good choices. However, this is legalism in its most pure form. It’s a works-based religion that says all discomfort is bad, so we act in certain ways so God won’t bring discomfort into our lives. This is both selfish and hedonistic. Second, it tends to value the temporal over the eternal. What if God in His eternal wisdom has told us men to wash our wives with the water of Word so that we can present her spotless before the Father—like He did in Ephesians 5? What if we as her brother in Christ need to love her by rebuking her sin—like He tells us all throughout the New Testament? Sure, in her flesh, that might not make her happy, but the eternal responsibility needs to outweigh the temporal “peace” we might think we’re experiencing. Of course, I could go on about why this particular advice is immature, selfish, fleshly, and—ultimately—destructive . . . but we’ll save that for another time. On our last episode we cruised through a number of chapters in the book of Acts where Paul had been taken prisoner and was having to present a defense. Well, prior to his incarceration, Paul received some advice. Let’s consider Acts 21:10-12. In this passage, Paul has left Tyre and arrived in Caesarea hoping to go to Jerusalem. And we read, “And as we were staying there for some days, a prophet named Agabus came down from Judea. 11 And coming to us, he took Paul’s belt and bound his own feet and hands, and said, ‘This is what the Holy Spirit says: ’In this way the Jews at Jerusalem will bind the man who owns this belt and deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles.’’12 And when we had heard this, we as well as the local residents began begging him not to go up to Jerusalem.” These people were God-loving, well-intentioned, kind, selfless people. But they interpreted Paul’s being imprisoned as a reason for Paul to not do what Paul knew the Lord wanted him to do. This is why Paul responds in verses 13-14 this way, “‘What are you doing, crying and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but even to die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus.’ 14 And since he would not be persuaded, we fell silent, saying, ‘The will of the Lord be done!’” There are many things that we know we must do, but that will result in persecution. But even if the advice is a practical suggestion, the motivation for the advice has to be the glory of God. It can’t be just, “Always check the door after you close it to make sure it’s locked because someone might break into your house while you’re away.” First, how many people justify obsessive behavior for that very reason? Obsessive behavior always erupts from of self-worship, not from of God-worship. Second, I need to lock the door to the glory of God just like I need to eat and drink to His glory. Therefore, I need to do my best as an act of worship to Him. That’s why I need to make sure the door gets locked. My friends, motivation matters more than anything else. When it comes to giving advice, the motivation matters more than the advice does (as long as the advice is godly). That’s why the second example is also very bad. B. Agreeing with our children’s position simply to convince them we’re on their side. This is doubly bad when the child’s position if clearly wrong and foolish and sinful. But it’s also still bad if the only reason we’re advising them to do something good is so that they’ll like us more. The advice we give needs to glorify God and be a practical outworking of God’s truth so that we’re bringing our kids up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. In II Timothy 4:3, Paul warns about people who will “not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions.” We don’t want to be one of those teachers simply tickling their self-worshipping ears. It’s not about trying to convince or manipulate our kids. It’s about loving them enough to tell the truth. Yes, they may hate you for giving them the advice they don’t want to hear, but I need to tell you a personal story about this. I used to work at a boys’ home for at-risk teens. Most of those guys wanted nothing to do with the truth I shared with them on a daily basis, but I can’t tell you how many of them—years later—have reached back out to me and thanked me for loving them. They’ve thanked me for telling them what they needed to hear. True love will always tell a person what’s in God’s best interest for them. But when we just say things so that people will like us more, we’re basically lying to them. We’re not loving them, and that compounds over time. I cannot tell you how many parents I’ve seen break their backs to do all the things their kids want them to do and say all the things their kids want them to say, only for the children to hate them and use them as they get older. Yes, kids can also hate their parents for telling them the truth, but we have God’s promise that His Word won’t return void. Our manipulative lies have no such promise . . . in fact, God promises that it hurts Him, hurts us, and hurts others. And the third most common form of bad parenting advice is . . . C. Providing our own opinion instead of God’s. I don’t need to spend a ton of time on this because we talk about it so often. In fact, we talked about it on our last show, but if this is the only episode of ours you ever hear, you need to know this point. We absolutely need to ground all our actions, words, feelings, thoughts, desires, and beliefs in the inscripturated Word of God. If someone came up to us at any moment of the day and asked, “Show me from the Scriptures how what you’re doing right now glorifies God,” we should be able to. The biggest reasons we can’t show them from the Bible are that what we’re doing doesn’t glorify God, or one of the facets of what we’re doing doesn’t glorify God. Maybe it’s the right “what,” but not the right “how.” Perhaps it’s the right “what” and “how,” but not the right “why” . . . the motivation. If this is a new idea to you, or you feel overwhelmed imagining how you’re supposed to live this way, please listen to our Merest Christianity Series. That series opens the Bible to help us understand the single most important element that needs to underlie all we do. Let me give one example of this before I move on. Let’s say that your child is being bullied at school. I’m sure you know what you think she should do. I’m sure you know what pop culture would tell her to do. But do you know how God would have her respond? There are biblical reasons that she might need to tell an authority at some point. There are biblical reasons she might need to be a little more long-suffering. But there are also biblical reasons she might need to physically defend herself. The details are going to matter, and there isn’t a one-size fits all way of responding to a generic example. But I can promise you that your daughter isn’t allowed to be bitter or sinfully angry or fearful or vengeful or spiteful or basically respond the way the world would. In fact, God would have her respond to the bullying with grace, mercy, love, joy, peace, gratitude, and contentment. If you can’t imagine how God would want this from your daughter in the face of a bully, please listen to Parenting Sorrowing Children. I dig even deeper into this topic on a one hour counseling seminar called Counseling Sorrowing Children. You can access that in the Evermind App in our Doctrine of Emotion content. And links to all of these resources are in the description for you today. And any advice I would give my daughter in regard to her bully that’s based in my feelings, a mama bear response, or secular advice is going to be devoid of spiritual power. Even if the advice I give could come from the Scriptures, if the motivation is any of the aforementioned reasons, my advice is bad. Now, there are other types of bad advice we could discuss, but those are the most common. Now, let’s consider . . . 2. Wise Biblical Advice A. Biblical Wisdom dictates we do what God commands. I know this makes so much sense on the face, but practically, we have to grapple with the fact that this is absolutely not how we live. Sure, we’re not murdering anyone with a gun or knife, and we may not be sleeping around, but God’s expectations for us are so much deeper than those egregious, but admittedly simply sins. Acts 20:22-23 tells us that Paul knew exactly what he had to do. He said, “And now, behold, bound by the Spirit, I am on my way to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there, 23 except that the Holy Spirit solemnly testifies to me in every city, saying that chains and afflictions await me.” His marching orders were clear, but though our’s might not be as clear when it comes to job choices, we still have very obvious expectations on us. We must love our enemies. Love has to be patient and kind and humble and forgiving. We must be gracious and merciful. And those words don’t get to mean anything we want them to mean. The Bible is abundantly clear how grace and mercy are to be practiced in our lives. In case you’re interested, we have two series on each of those characteristics as well as a series on biblical family love. But there is so much more! The Bible identifies over 650 unique sins. The New Testament has so many sanctification lists, and the vast majority of these characteristics are explained and illustrated in great detail in the pages of Scripture. There is wisdom to be found for every single question someone may have or in any situation one may find himself. So, when your children have done a poor job on their chores, or they think they’ve been shot by Cupid, or they’ve gotten their first job, or it’s time for vacation . . . there’s biblical advice that must be given. And yes, we have episodes and series about all of these topics. But what if following God isn’t cool or bound to cause people to reject us or results in physical pain? B. Biblical Wisdom dictates we must obey God regardless of the consequences. Jesus promises that there will be pain and persecution in this life. They hated Him, they’re going to hate us. The kings rage against God; they will rage against us. In a world where people want to destroy the Bible and all Christians, we aren’t going to be the cool kids. But the blessing that comes from following Christ isn’t always temporal. Yes, the Lord promises peace and joy and contentment and gratitude. He also promises to meet our needs and answer our prayers according to His will, and He delights to give us good things, but we look for a future city . . . a spiritual realm where God will rule for all eternity. We’re not living for this life. We’re living for our Father and the joy of worshipping Him perfectly for all eternity. And when things are difficult, there is no substitute for going to the Word of God for assurance of what He wants you to do and the comfort His truth provides. I mentioned the Sorrowing Children material earlier. That material as well as our “Suffering Well” content is so helpful for finding joy and peace in the midst of difficulty. C. Biblical wisdom dictates that we will have to reject other’s advice. People will give us foolish secular advice. We can’t accept it just to play nice. If it contradicts God’s Word, we must reject it. People will give us poorly motivated biblical sounding advice. This too must be rejected because God requires that we do all to His glory—not simply follow legalistic requirements for our own best interest. But—like in Paul’s case—people may give us well-motivated, but biblically inaccurate advice. This may be because of a poor interpretation of Scripture. It may be an accurate interpretation, but a wrong application in the current situation. This advice must also be rejected. We need this for ourselves, but our kids need to learn to do this the right way as well. The well-intentioned people in Paul’s day lovingly wanted to protect Paul. They wanted to do this for his benefit, but also for the spreading of the Gospel. Paul had traveled much of the known world leading people to Christ and helping them grow in Him. How could that work continue if Paul were in jail? But Paul knew what he had to do, and as well-meaning and wise-sounding as it was, Paul knew he had to go to Jerusalem and be imprisoned. However, we have to be very careful on this point. Unlike Paul, we need to be wary of extra biblical revelation. God had spoken directly to Paul. Paul wasn’t basing his actions off interpretations of biblical texts. God told him exactly what would happen. God doesn’t communicate with us like that in these days. We have the completed canon of Scripture. He does not communicate to us through dreams, signs, feelings, or impressions. We absolutely need to be able to defend our behavior off a right interpretation and application of Scripture. And I’m not talking about the ever-popular versions of Christian mysticism. I wish I had the time to discuss it here today, but we don’t. Suffice it to say, you might want to know what God’s will is for your life, so you randomly open your Bible to Acts and read about Paul’s imprisonment. There is nothing in the Scriptures to teach us that means you need to start a jail ministry or be imprisoned for the sake of the Gospel. That kind of biblical “interpretation” is subjective and dangerous. So, if someone comes to you who desperately wants to carefully interpret and apply the Scriptures in order to advise you in a God-glorifying course of action, you need to be prepared to have that conversation. It doesn’t matter if you dreamed something different the night before or you feel God would be pleased for you to leave your husband. Your children (or you) would be the fool in that situation. This is why . . . D. Biblical wisdom dictates that we humbly accept biblical reproof. Not only must we teach our kids to reject lies and the mostly-truths that aren’t truly founded in God’s revealed will, but we must also teach them to humbly grapple with the Scriptures when they’re reproved by someone with an open Bible. John MacArthur once said, “If you want to disagree with me, bring your Bible.” When a mature believer comes to me with the Scriptures open, I need to be humble enough to consider their advice. Now, as we’ve already seen, the most well-intentioned get things wrong. It’s so easy for us to misread and misapply the Scripture. I might be right and the one reproving me wrong. But they may be right, and I’m wrong. How can we know? We need to be like the Bereans to diligently read, study, mediate on, memorize, and apply the Scriptures. We need to lean on those who have gone before. We need to faithfully interpret the text with the hermeneutic it demands. This is a huge work, one which requires the illumination of the Holy Spirit. It’s nothing we can do by ourselves. That’s why we have to be humble and careful. The point is that advice may be given with full conviction that it’s God’s will, and yet still may be wrong. We all need to be prepared to listen to others who contradict you with God’s Word. Don’t be prideful. And finally . . . E. Biblical wisdom dictates that we need to follow our own advice. If your advice to your kids is so valuable . . . why don’t you follow it? It never cease to amaze me the high standards to which we hold our kids in their sleep, work, food, clothes, friends, and entertainment . . . but we rarely give those concerns a second thought in our own lives. That’s hypocrisy. That also means that our “good” advice to them was pragmatic and a result of our own self-worship. That makes that advice inherently bad and not Christ-honoring . . . no matter how good it may be on the outside. And our kids see this. They have no desire to take the advice you refuse for yourself. They have no wish to submit to a hypocrite. That doesn’t make them right to disobey what is—on the surface—Christ-honoring advice, but it’s a temptation we thrust before them. Of course, our biggest motivation for taking our own biblical advice must not be so that our kids will respect us. It needs to be because God deserves it. We should work to worship Him and please Him and submit to Him for no other reason than He is our great God. Our kids respecting us will simply be the icing on the cake. Conclusion
Our kids need advice worth giving. Stop tossing at them the self-worshipping, superficial, humanistic, manipulative drivel of the world.
Instead, offer them the truth of Scripture regardless of the consequences. Teach them to reject lies, and yet remain humble enough to test all advice by the Word. And then if the advice you’re offering your kids is worth giving . . . then follow it yourself. Please share this episode with your friends and family so that we all can give advice worth giving, and if you need some solid biblical counsel for yourself or a family member, please email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894. And join us next time to learn why “Your Kids Need to See God Working” and how you can help them in that process. I’ll see you then.
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