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TranscriptIntroduction
Welcome to season 35 in our 10th year of biblical parental podcasting. I am your host, Aaron Brewster, and I’m honored to have you with me whether this is your first time or if you’ve been with us since the beginning.
However, if you’re new to the show, it might be nice to know that I am a biblical family counselor—and have been for over 20 years. I am married to my wife, Johanna, and I—at the time of this recording—have a 19 year old university Junior named Micah and a 16 year old university Sophomore named Ivy. We love the mountains of North Carolina where we live—in fact we love all of God’s creation. We love playing games together, we love telling stories, and we love making new friends when I travel to speak. I made some very dear friends in Vermont when I was invited to speak at Grace Christian School in Bennington a few years ago. My life is so much better for meeting the Hayre family, my fantastic new niece and nephew, and the amazing people at the school. And the vast majority of the resources we create are free to you because we love God and want your family to know and love Him more. And—in so doing—your family becomes stronger and spiritually healthier. That’s why all last season was dedicated to our Biblical Family series where we stepped through the book of I John to help you, your spouse, and your kids become a more biblical family. So, that’s pretty much who we are. We have the podcast, my newest book, “Quit: How to Stop Family Strife for Good,” all of the resources on the Evermind App, the virtual and in-person biblical counseling we offer, and the conferences and workshops we do. And I pray that all of it equips your family to worship God better. Be sure to read through the description of this episode where you’ll find links to the free episode notes, a transcript, and related resources that will help you continue your study of today’s topic. And—unless otherwise noted—you can assume that all of our resources are free to you and evergreen. So, let’s jump in. Topic
Today’s topic is Parental Woes. Now, most of the time people talk about the parenting woes, it’s a bunch of parents in a school pickup line complaining about the schedule, or a guy bemoaning his home situation to the guys at work, or some equally unhealthy outlet.
That is not what we’re going to discuss today. We’re not going to sit here and whine about how hard it is to be a parent. Oh, woe is me. Now, we do have a series called The Biggest Parenting Challenges You Will Ever Face, but that isn’t a gripe session either . . . because—you know—complaining is a sin. That series is all about preparing you to see and biblically address the challenges you will definitely face in your parenting. As I mentioned earlier, any resources I share during the podcast will be linked for you in the description of this episode. So, no, we won’t be looking at the hardships of parenting. What we’re going to discuss is—instead—a famous passage in Matthew 23 where Jesus Himself levies seven woes against spiritual leaders. And—guess what, my friends—biblical parents are nothing if not spiritual leaders. Now you may be familiar with the passage in question, or you may have never heard of it before—either way, stay with us because it’s all applicable to our parenting. But right before we jump in, I want to let you know about Truth.Love.Family.’s current initiative. As I said before, we’ve been doing this for almost 10 full years, and we have hundreds and hundreds of hours of free biblical parenting content, and we would love for this ministry to finally become a sustainable force for biblical parenting. Maybe it’s because most of our content is free, maybe it’s because you only just heard of us, and maybe it’s because you haven’t yet decided to invest in our 501(c)(3) non-profit . . . but regardless of the reason, today is the day. By September of this year, we’re trying to raise $100,000 of annual support. Now, as far as ministries, nonprofits, and organizations go, that’s not much. And we normally only bring in about $20,000 a year. That’s supposed to cover all of our ministry expenses and my salary, and you can do the math about how well that would work for your family. But if your family and others could donate only 5, 10, 20, 50, $100, or more a month, we could have a much larger and dynamic impact for the Lord. We could reach people in more places, we could counsel more kids, we could produce more free resources. Thank you for your patience with this little request, but you have no idea how your $50 a month could be multiplied in this ministry. And in most places in our country that’s just two orders of pizza for a family of 4 per month. It’s really not as much as it sounds. So, thank you for considering it. Please visit TruthLoveParent.com/donate to learn more and start giving. Alright, let’s look at Jesus’ 7 Parental Woes. As was mentioned earlier, we’ll be in Matthew 23, and be spending most of our time in verses 13-36. But let’s make sure that we’re all acquainted with . . . 1. The recipients of the woes. I said the original audience were religious leaders. To be specific, they were the most influential of the Jewish religious leaders in the first century, and they were called the scribe and Pharisee. The scribes were probably what you’re picturing. They copied the Scriptures, but they were also teachers and interpreters of the law. And the word “Pharisee" communicated something very similar to the political monikers of today. The title encompassed everyone of the time who had certain theological beliefs concerning the Old Testament and who strove to perfectly keep the law. These people where the spiritual leaders of the day because many of them functioned in the political and religious forums. They were teachers, legal experts, they would sit on the Sanhedrin, and would hold positions of authority in the synagogues. Now, each time Jesus refers to them, we’re going to find the addition of a pejorative. Every time Jesus levies a woe, He will refer to the scribes and Pharisees as hypocrites. This will be a very important point at the end of today’s study. But I don’t want to get lost on who they were, but more what they represented. Again, other than the priests, they were the bureaucrats. They were movers and shakers and cultural influencers. They were the spiritual leaders of the day. James 3:1 tells us, “Do not, many of you, become teachers, my brothers, knowing that we will receive a stricter judgment.” Jesus explains this phenomenon when He observed in Matthew 18:6, “whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it is better for him that a heavy millstone be hung around his neck, and that he be drowned in the depth of the sea.” In episode 43 we talk about “Training Your Children to Rebel,” and we discuss this millstone necklace that people deserve who encourage disobedience to God. We also have the False Parents Series which shows God’s view of false teachers and false prophets. The point is, God hates it when people lie to others about Who He is and what He’s said and what He expects from us. So, yes, it is abundantly appropriate for us parents—the spiritual leaders in our homes, the ones who are to be rearing our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord—to stop and consider that if Jesus is levying these woes against spiritual leaders who do what the scribes and Pharisees were doing, I had better make sure my parenting isn’t guilty of the same things. Now, before we consider the first woe, let’s briefly establish what a “woe” is. The Greek word translated woe in these seven verses is used 47 times in the New Testament and always expresses a grief or a denunciation. It’s like saying, “How dare you,” or “I denounce you,” or “You have been weighed in the balance and found wanting.” It’s a powerful word. Okay, let’s now work through . . . 2. The Seven Parental Woes A. Woe to parents who aren’t children of God and who encourage their kids not to be children of God. Matthew 23:13 reads, “But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you shut off the kingdom of heaven from people; for you do not enter in yourselves, nor do you allow those who are entering to go in.” Now, let’s be honest, if you’re listening to this podcast, you’re definitely thinking right now, “Well, that’s not me. I love the God of the Bible and try to teach my kids all about Him.” But, my friends, we have to grapple with the fact that the scribes and Pharisees also believed with all of their hearts that they loved the God of the Bible and dedicated their entire lives to not only teaching people about Him and His Word but also living a very strict and devout life in the process. They believed they were doing everything the right way. Jesus was not talking to atheists, prostitutes, gang members, and drug dealers. He was talking to the spiritual authorities. And these people were constantly offended by Jesus’ criticisms and condemnations because they absolutely believed He was insane for suggesting they would not enter heaven and they did not allow others to enter. This means that if they—who were more acquainted with the Old Testament Scriptures that most of us are with our completed Scriptures and who lived more aggressively devout lives than most of us—if these people were mistaken about their spiritual leadership . . . what are the chances we may be too—at least a little? I’m going to let that needling question sit there as we consider the next woe. B. Woe to parents who are in it for what they get out of it. Now, you might have a version of the Bible that doesn’t include this woe. This one actually is considered the 8th woe because some of the earliest manuscripts of the New Testament do not include this verse. I’m going to set aside textual criticism for the moment and include it today because the Legacy Standard Bible includes it with a footnote, and there’s something to learn from it either way. Verse 14 reads, “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you devour widows’ houses, and for a pretense you make long prayers; therefore you will receive greater condemnation.” These spiritual leaders were all about what they would get. Many were motivated by money, popularity, and power. And—guess what—there are a lot of well-meaning parents who have similar motivations. Some just want a little person to mold. Others are thinking about how their kids will take care of them when they’re old. Some control freaks just like having subservients to boss around. But even more purposeful parents can be tempted to parent the way they do because they want people to perceive them a certain way—not the least of which is their own children. We have a number of episodes and series about the kind of parenting that is designed to massage and even manipulate our kids to doing what we want. Woe to that kind of parent. C. Woe to parents who turn their children into versions of themselves. Matthew 23:15, “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you travel around on sea and land to make one proselyte; and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as yourselves.” This is pretty straightforward. These individuals went to great lengths to make carbon copies of themselves. And we should all know that the best teachers put out students who go on to surpass the teachers themselves. We see exactly that happening here. Of course, once again, it will be super easy to say, “Yeah, but what if I love God, and I turn my kids into a version of me?” In I Corinthians 11:1, Paul did say, “Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ.” In Philippians 3:17, he said, “join in following my example, and look for those who walk according to the pattern you have in us.” And in II Thessalonians 3 Paul talks about being a model for the Thessalonians that they would imitate him and those with him. But there’s always a caveat. What they’re called to imitate in Paul was always the way in which he was like Christ. Therefore, the imitation was ultimately an imitation of Christ. That sort of parenting is fantastic, it’s not what Jesus is condemning here, but it’s also so often not what we’re doing in our parenting. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we want our kids to make the same food and friends and clothing and music and lifestyle choices that we make because we think they’re best and they would be better off if they did. We have rules that only enforce our own opinions and preferences. And we also do what the scribes and Pharisees did in religious matters. We want our kids to prescribe to a label or a tradition, but in so doing we actually either teach them incorrectly, or we encourage them to follow a system instead of a Savior. We actually invite them into Rocky-Hearted living. If you want to know more about what a Rocky-Hearted Child is like, please listen to The Four Children Series. Now, you might be thinking, when are we going to talk about how I can identify and avoid this in my parenting? I’ve tried to identify some of the motivations that underpin this woeful parenting as we’ve gone, but I will answer this question in more detail shortly. D. Woe to parents who have the wrong priorities. Jesus dedicated more time to this than any of the others because He wanted them to understand why their spiritual leadership was bad. Verses 16 through 22 read, “Woe to you, blind guides, who say, ‘Whoever swears by the sanctuary, that is nothing; but whoever swears by the gold of the sanctuary is obligated.’ 17 You fools and blind men! For which is more important, the gold or the sanctuary that sanctified the gold? 18 And, ‘Whoever swears by the altar, that is nothing, but whoever swears by the offering on it, he is obligated.’ 19 You blind men, which is more important, the offering, or the altar that sanctifies the offering? 20 Therefore, whoever swears by the altar, swears both by the altar and by everything on it. 21 And whoever swears by the sanctuary, swears both by the sanctuary and by Him who dwells within it. 22 And whoever swears by heaven, swears both by the throne of God and by Him who sits upon it.” I won’t send a lot of time on this point because it’s pretty self-evident. When we make the process more important than the Person, when we have goals other than God’s glory, when we’re so consumed with chores and food and vacations and entertainment and homework than we are the God for whom we were created to live and testify . . . we’re foolish and blind. E. Woe to parents who pick and choose how they submit to God. Verses 23 to 24 tell us,“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier provisions of the Law: justice and mercy and faithfulness; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others. 24 You blind guides, who strain out a gnat but swallow a camel!” The Pharisees were super good at the quantifiable and formulaic expectations of the Law. But for the more esoteric and spiritual requirements, they were incapable of creating a rubric and so didn’t give it too much attention, assumed they were fine, or played off the apparent subjectiveness. We too are so often tempted to claim that our parenting is successful because our sons aren’t doing drugs and our daughters aren’t pregnant. Good grades must be the mark of good parenting, right? Our kids are definitely better behaved than so many others, we’re going a great job! But the weightier matters, justice and mercy and faithfulness—those seemingly subjective, hard-to-quantify from a human perspective character traits—are so much more important that wearing the right clothes, eating correctly, only watching “clean movies” and reading your Bible every day. Of course, each of those things has their place, but without the weightier provisions of the Law, they are worthless. F. Woe to parents who are selfish. Matthew 23:25-26, “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self-indulgence. 26 You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup and of the dish, so that the outside of it may become clean also.” The outside looks great, but the heart is selfish. We have an extremely foundational and seminal series called The Merest Christianity that covers biblical truths we and our kids absolutely must understand. If the fruit of our lives is going to please the Lord, the roots cannot be selfish, self-serving, and self-worshipping. In a similar way to our last point, these parents work hard on the superficials without recognizing and addressing the absolutely vital heart God requires of His people. Compounding the accusations, Jesus presents in verses 27 and 28 another woe that follows the same theme. G. Woe to parents who are impure. “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. 28 In this way, you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.” Like the last and first accusations, woe to parents whose external life is not consistent with the spiritual realities of their inner man. We talked about this so much in our family devotional through I John. People who say (or try to act) like they’re living in the light, but who have the darkness in their heart, they are lying and they don’t know the truth. But we’re running short on time, and there is still much to discuss. So . . . H. Woe to parents who follow the wrong spiritual leaders. Matthew 23:29-33, “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you build the tombs of the prophets and adorn the monuments of the righteous, 30 and say, ‘If we had been living in the days of our fathers, we would not have been partners with them in shedding the blood of the prophets.’ 31 So you bear witness against yourselves, that you are sons of those who murdered the prophets. 32 Fill up, then, the measure of the guilt of your fathers. 33 You serpents, you brood of vipers, how will you escape the sentence of hell?” The path we walk gives clear testament to the influences we’ve chosen to follow. As we discussed in our Authority Series, there is Inherent and Inherited Authority, but I don’t think I mentioned it on that series—there’s also Invited Authority. This involves people who don’t actually have Inherited or Inherent Authority in our lives, but we give them permission to have an authoritative influence on us. When we choose to follow the teachings of someone or we subscribe to another’s worldview, but those truths do not agree with God’s Word, woe on us. Now, we need to wrap up, but we need to do so in a practical, relevant, and applicable way. So, we’re going to repeat our first point, but with new eyes. 3. The recipients of the woes. Woe to parents who push their children from God, who use their parenting for personal gain, woe to us who would turn our children into us, those who have secular priorities that dethrone the divine priorities, woe to the parents who pick and choose how and when they submit to God, who are selfish, who are impure, and who submit themselves to unqualified spiritual authorities. And as terrible as all of those things sound, I have been guilty of them all. I have pushed my children to my own desires, even when that meant I was encouraging idol worship. I have parented for my comfort and pleasure. I have not had my gaze so filled with heavenly realities that I didn’t parent with mere secular notions in mind. I have consciously and unconsciously decided that I didn’t need to rear my children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord in that scenario. I didn’t need to talk of God and His Word when I was walking and standing and sitting and lying. I have parented selfishly. I have parented impurely. Now, this last one I do far less often, but I’m sure I’ve allowed philosophies incongruous with the Scriptures to motivate and inform my parenting. And why do I do these things? Why do you—because you do too. Well, the beginning of Matthew 23 gives us the answer. “Then Jesus spoke to the crowds and to His disciples, 2 saying: ‘The scribes and the Pharisees have seated themselves in the chair of Moses; 3 therefore all that they tell you, do and keep, [this is Jesus acknowledging their Inherent Authority] but do not do according to their deeds; for they say things and do not do them. 4 And they tie up heavy burdens and lay them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as a finger. 5 But they do all their deeds to be noticed by men; for they broaden their phylacteries and lengthen the tassels of their garments. 6 And they love the place of honor at banquets and the best seats in the synagogues, 7 and respectful greetings in the marketplaces, and being called Rabbi by men.” This is why Jesus calls them hypocrites. They have one standard for everyone else, and another for themselves. If you listen to our 5th Parent material, you will see how easy it is for all of us to slip into this type of hypocritical/judgmental parenting. Now, I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s important to reiterate. A hypocrite is not someone who says that we all need to glorify God, but who sins, confesses, apologizes, and repents. That is to be human. That’s the process to which God calls us. A hypocrite is someone who expects other people to do it, but does not ever or truly expect it of themselves. We are hypocrites when we tell our kids they need to be more Christ-honoring, but the motivation of our parenting is truly so we can have 5 minutes of silence. We expect our kids to read their Bibles, but we constantly justify not reading our own. I’m a hypocrite when I claim to be God’s Ambassador, but nothing but man’s parenting philosophies pervade my speech. And I’m definitely a hypocrite if these realities don’t convict me and call me to change. And the final 5 verses of this first portion of the chapter provides the fix. “But do not be called Rabbi; for One is your Teacher, and you are all brothers. 9 And do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven. 10 Do not be called instructors; for One is your Instructor, that is, Christ. 11 But the greatest among you shall be your servant. 12 And whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.” You know what our biggest issue is as parents—well, actually, as everything? We’re prideful. Our thoughts and actions and words and feelings are consumed with self. What do I want? How do I feel? But pride isn’t the only problem. We’re also arrogant. We don’t just think too much of ourselves, we think too highly of ourselves. Of course our opinions are right. Of course what we want is best. Of course I need to feel a certain way even when God says I shouldn’t. And that causes us to be hypocrites. We talk a good game. Our parenting is often on point from the way it sounds. But really, it’s all about us. Therefore, I will tell you do something I have no desire to do myself. I’ll judgmentally hold you to a standard I will not expect of myself. Instead, we must be humble. Humility destroys hypocrisy. Humility submits. Humility doesn’t think too much of itself. Humility doesn’t think about itself at all. It’s motivation is God and His glory. We can teach without needing to be viewed as a teacher. We don’t have to be the center of our spiritual authority. We follow Christ, and we invite others to follow as we follow Him. We serve the Father and our children by being God’s Ambassador to them. We don’t need to exalt ourselves. It’s not about what I want or think I need or feel. It’s about pleasing our Savior. Conclusion
That, my friends, is the only way to avoid the parental woes. Otherwise, our prideful, arrogant hypocrisy will case us to push our children away from God’s will as we push them toward our will. Our arrogance will cause us to parent for personal gain. We will inadvertently turn our children into us—prideful hypocrites. We will focus on selfish priorities that dethrone the Lord’s. We’ll pick and choose how and when we submit to God, but expect our kids to toe that line. We’ll be selfish, impure, and unqualified to be spiritual authorities.
Please share this episode so that your parenting community, family, and church family can all learn from the bad example of the scribes and Pharisees. And never hesitate to email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894 if we can provide personalized biblical counsel for your current circumstance. And be sure to join us next time as we discuss Confrontation Done Right. If we’re going the be a humble family, then we need to confront our kids and spouse, but we also need to do it correctly . . . or woe to us. I’ll see you then.
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