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Episode Notes
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TranscriptIntroduction
Well, this season has considered what the Bible has to say about emotional blackmail, the implications of behavior, fleeing sin, finding answers, descriptions and prescriptions, kids who pit parents against each other, getting to the root of the issue, a thought experiment designed to reveal idolatry in your home, the necessity of death in maturity, equipping our kids to shame us, and the necessity of eating the Bible.
We’ve tried to touch on relevant topics that any number of Christian parents can add to their biblical parenting routines, but—admittedly—today’s topic probably only seems relevant to parents whose kids are much older. But I’m going to argue that’s not true. In fact, I’m going to suggest that parents with younger kids should start thinking about these things now because it’s very hard to approach this in a Christ-honoring way, and we’re going to talk about why that is. But if you’re new to the show, I hope you’ll go back and listen to any of the episodes from this season that are practical for you, and then check out our library of over 600 episodes to find the one-shots and series that can equip you to be a more mature biblical parent. Nearly every episode comes with free notes, a transcript, and related resources to help you truly internalize the truth as well as put it into practice in your daily parenting. And the same is true of this episode today. So, let’s jump right in. Topic
The second most important decision a person will ever make in this life is the one concerning whom they will marry. It’s second only to choosing to submit to God and following Him. It impacts everything in our lives. It has the potential of being the most joyous experience or the most horrendous. It’s supposed to be a beautiful human picture of the divine miracle that is God’s relationship with His people. Suffice it to say, marriage is a big deal.
But there are so many distractions and hurdles that get in the way of even having a biblical conversation about marriage, let alone actually pursuing a Christ-honoring spouse. And that’s not just for our kids . . . that’s for an increasing number of professing Christian parents. Therefore, this is a very important topic—one to which we could dedicate an entire series—but one that we only have a limited time to discuss today. So, I want to touch on what the Bible portrays as being the most important nonnegotiables, and then talk about some of the implications of those nonnegotiables. But first, I’d love to remind you that we are in our 10th year of podcasting and coming to the end of our 5th year of ministry. It’s super exciting, but it’s also super uncertain. I just had a conversation with a dear friend of mine who runs a ministry and is in the exact same place as we are with Truth.Love.Family. His ministry is having to scale back, do less, and—potentially—close the ministry for good. Why is that? Well, we live in a world where merely existing requires finances, but we also live in a world with inflation and uncertain economics. And for that reason, people are becoming more and more protective concerning where they invest their money, especially when it comes to nonprofits. And I understand. If God would be glorified by Truth.Love.Family. shutting it’s doors because His people need to hold on to their money or donate it to other ministries, so be it. But I don’t know if that’s the case, and this is our test. We’re trying to—for the first time in 10 years—become sustainable. We’re praying that you and everyone else who benefits from our free resources will partner with us by becoming monthly donors. Even one time donations help, but an army of monthly donors will help us budget from year to year and wisely plan the projects and ministries of the year. So, will you please help us reach our goal of $100,000? That goal requires only 5,000 people to donate $20 a month. $20 isn’t much to ask, and there are some of you who could do far more or less. The point it, it’s attainable. And if you and 5,000 more people generously gave only $20 a month every year, imagine the impact this ministry could have. Thank you for allowing me a moment to share my passion, and I thank you for what you’ll do. Now, let’s get back to the discussion at hand. We’re going to talk about “Why you need to start thinking about this now,” the “Nonnegotiables of Christ-Honoring Marriage,” and the “Implications of God’s Nonnegotiables for Marriage for Your Parenting.” 1. Why You Need to Start Thinking about This Now A. Worldly thinking is seductive. It would be impossible for me to adequately help us identify and quantify how dramatically the professing church has been influenced and infected by worldly philosophies. And nowhere is the evidence of this infection any clearer than in the areas of entertainment and relationships. Of course, we’ve talked a lot about entertainment on this show. I’ll share some of those links with you in the description. And we’ve also dedicated a decent amount of time to talking about our children’s premarital relationships and their voluminous temptations to sexual immorality. But we still need to mention it here, because the world’s view concerning romantic relationships has become the position of so many people in the church. We don’t give a second thought to our middle schoolers having boyfriends and girlfriends. We don’t bat an eye at high schoolers who are physically engaging with each other. Far too many in the church have no problem with two young people choosing to live together. And—honestly—what’s the actual criteria for the people our kids want to marry? I hear people talk about whether they have a good job, will respect their child, if they’ll make beautiful babies, and whether or not they’re a nice/good/respectful person . . . and though that criteria is not inherently sinful, without the most important biblical considerations as the main motivating factors, that criteria becomes a terrible foundation off which to base a marriage. The reason we parents need to start thinking about this now—even though your kids may still be very young—is that the world is daily working to redefine your understanding of the purpose, definition, qualifications, and practical outworking of marriage. If we don’t give diligent energy to submit to God’s will in any facet of our life, we will inevitably slide closer and closer to the world’s failure philosophies. “Well, Aaron, I don’t know that it’s really all that potentially dangerous.” First of all, the history of the church’s slide in conformity to the Scriptures is historically undeniable. But let’s let God speak to this subject. Hebrews 2:1 tells us "For this reason we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away from it.” In our Evidence of Spiritual Life Series on the Celebration of God we went into great detail about II Peter 1:5-10. Verses 8 through 10 read, “For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the full knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 For in the one who lacks these qualities, he is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. 10 Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and choosing sure; for in doing these things, you will never stumble.” Ephesians 5:15-17 says, “Therefore look carefully how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 redeeming the time, because the days are evil. 17 So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” Proverbs 4:23-27 commands, "Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life. 24 Put away from you a perverse mouth And put devious lips far from you. 25 Let your eyes look directly ahead And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. 26 Watch the path of your feet, And all your ways will be established. 27 Do not turn to the right nor to the left; Turn your foot from evil.” And I Peter 5:8-9 reads, "Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 But resist him, firm in the faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brothers who are in the world." The World will and potentially has influenced ours and our kids thoughts on this subject. Therefore . . . B. We need to be retrained. If your kids are young, this is the best time to start training them about what God’s purpose and plan is for marriage. If your kids are older and have begun to believe the lies of the world, then we’re going to need some time to step through the Scriptures and help our families bend their will back to God’s. So, what are the things we should be teaching (or reteaching) our kids? 2. The Nonnegotiables of Christ-Honoring Marriage I’m going to digress for a moment and be silly. In the movie White Christmas, the characters Judy and Phil are discussing the potential of Judy finding someone to whom she could get engaged. One of the first things Judy says is, “Of course, it’s got to be a man.” She was trying to insinuate a level of maturity, but Danny Kaye’s character Phil cuts her off and says, “That’s an absolute must.” And he was right. A. Marriage Is Between One Man and One Woman. We’re not going to spend a ton of time on each of these points, but it is important to notice that the three biblical nonnegotiables are all under direct and brutal attack from the World. My friends, the Bible consistently defines marriage as a union between a male and a female. Genesis 1:27-28 and 2:24 describe God creating humanity as "male and female" and instituting marriage: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Jesus reaffirms this universal truth in Matthew 19:4-6 and Mark 10:6-9. Again, I’m not going to take time today to convince you that homosexuality is a sin. But I will share with you that I recently asked an ai called Grok about this topic. Grok replied, “No biblical examples or endorsements exist for same-sex marriage. Passages addressing homosexual acts (e.g., Romans 1:26–27, 1 Corinthians 6:9–10, Leviticus 18:22) describe them as contrary to God's design.” And then it went on to say, “Some progressive Christians today argue for same-sex marriage by reinterpreting these texts as culturally limited or emphasizing themes of love, but the plain biblical text presents marriage exclusively as male-female.” Believe it or not, I couldn’t have said it any better myself. Do your boys believe that they’re future spouse needs to be biologically female? Are your little girls looking forward to one daymarrying a man? Please work as hard as you can to help your children recognize that marriage is only ever between one man and one woman, and you can’t have a marriage in any other way. Anything else would be sinful. But, even though this is a hotly contested point these days, the fact that your kids are interested in people of the opposite sex is definitively not good enough. There are billions of young women my son should not marry, and there are billions of young men my daughter should not marry. There has to be more. B. Christians Must Marry Only Fellow Believers. God is clear. Believers are prohibited from marrying unbelievers due to fundamental spiritual incompatibility. II Corinthians 6:14-15 commands, "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” I Corinthians 7:39 states a widow "is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” This echoes Old Testament warnings against marrying those who worship other gods such as Deuteronomy 7:3-4. No doubt there are some under the sound of my voice today who thought they were marrying a believer only to find many years later that was not the case. If you’re in that position, than you understand first-hand the importance of this point. But I’m going to argue that while the first point is “an absolute must,” this second point is an even absoluter must. Every single marital issue—whether it ends in divorce or not—is a result of sin. One sinned against another, and too often the other sinned back. And the cycle repeats until the marriage is nothing God designed it to be. And when husband and wife are sinning against each other, that’s when you’re ushering pain and destruction in by the truckloads, not the least of which is the horrendous influence you’re being on your kids. This is exactly the atmosphere in which we train our kids to shame God, themselves, and us. Now, this is not to say that a Christian never sins. We do sin. It’s not good. It’s not excusable. But an unbeliever can’t help but sin. Even their very best, most moral choices are incapable of pleasing the Lord because they’re idolatrous. However, genuine Christians are indwelt by the Holy Spirit and are in the process of sanctification. God is working in them both to will and to do of His good pleasure, and that process is perpetual. Sometimes it’s slower, sometimes it’s faster, but a genuine believer is going to grow and mature in their sanctification. They’re not going to get worse. They may—for a season—slip into increasingly destructive sin patterns, but God’s people are always brought to a point of repentance. The reason I’m sharing all of these concepts is this: just because someone says they’re a Christian means absolutely nothing. Billions of people claim to be Christians who are not. Matthew 7 says that there will be many who believed they were born again who will find out for the first time by Jesus Himself that they were never saved. Therefore, when we’re preparing our kids to understand the qualities of a good spouse, or we’re actively helping them consider whether the person in their lives is a potential good spouse, it’s not going to be good enough to simply ask them whether they’re a Christian. I referenced earlier the Celebration of God Series entitled The Evidence of Spiritual Life. We also have a standalone episode called “The Second Most Important Question You Need to Ask Your Kids.” Both of those resources discuss in great detail how to identify whether or not someone is truly born again and growing in their spiritual maturity. In fact, this topic is so incredibly important for us, our kids, their future spouses, their future kids, and so on that we’re dedicating the entirety of next season to a family Bible study through the book of I John. We’re going to talk about so many practical, necessary, and relevant truths for the family as we go through it, but we’re also going to be given a plethora of opportunities to search our hearts and help each other have full assurance of our relationship with God. Now, before we move to our next sub point and final main point of the day, the Bible is also clear that if a believer is already married to an unbeliever, God expects them to remain in the marriage if the unbeliever consents (I Corinthians 7:12–13), but it strongly advises against entering such unions. And the final nonnegotiable for a biblical marriage is . . . C. Marriage Requires Intent for Lifelong Covenant Commitment. Marriage is a sacred, permanent covenant. It is neither temporary nor conditional. Malachi 2:14-16 describes marriage as a covenant before God, and states "the Lord . . . hates divorce,” Jesus teaches in Matthew 19:6, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate,” and Romans 7:2-3 reinforces that marriage binds until death. Therefore, entering marriage without commitment to permanence contradicts its biblical purpose. And I believe this point ties to the last. If two maturing believers who know their Bibles are married, they are going to fight to keep that marriage, not look for ways to get out of it. Now, those are the nonnegotiables, here’s how these realities need to impact our parenting. 3. The Implications of God’s Nonnegotiables for Marriage for Your Parenting A. Teach your kids. Children of every age can and need to start learning what marriage is and what the best kind of marriages are. They are physical representations of God’s saving relationship with His people, they’re joyous relationships in which families are created, and they’re a special lifelong committed relationship between a born again man and a born again woman who are both—obviously—growing in their conformity to Christ. But remember that teaching isn’t good enough. It’s not a one and done thing. Therefore . . . B. Guide your kids. This involves a couple steps. First, be the daily example to your kids about what a Christ-honoring marriage looks like. Be the positive, unspoken influence on your kids that God wants you to be. Second, no good parent simply hands their child a rifle and sends them out deer hunting. No, you teach, exemplify, and guide. You go out there with them and make sure they’re doing it correctly and safely by following all the applicable laws and expectations. Why on earth would we do any less with our children’s future marriage?! We should have a relationship with our kids whereby it’s a joint effort—all of us working together—to help our child make the second most important decision they will ever make well and glorifying to God. Now, this is where we could branch off onto a whole series about the various facets of a parent-child relationship wherein these conversations can happen. They have to be open and transparent and loving. The child has to realize that until they have been given the blessing by their parent to no longer be under their parents inherent parental authority (which—by the way—probably doesn’t need to happen until they’re married), the child is going to respect and obey and submit to his or her parents guidance and counsel concerning who they marry. Of course, this opens a huge can of worms when the parents are too selfish or worldly or immature to give biblical counsel and guidance on the topic. My point is, there are soooooo many factors to having two parents, the child, and the potential spouse actually pursue a Christ-honoring marriage to the glory of God. There will need to be countless conversations, lots of time investment getting to know the potential spouse, true, deep wisdom and discernment to ask the right questions and identify the spiritual maturity of the potential spouse. And then there should be months of premarital counsel. When I do premarital counseling, I ask for at least 6 months, but—honestly—the more the merrier. Premarital counseling—when done well—is discipleship. It cannot be accomplished in three sessions. It’s not merely the impartation of truth, it’s the process by which people are actually changed . . . and that takes time. Which is why . . . Third, we need to investigate the potential spouse. I know I already alluded to this, but—again—we could dedicate a series to this topic alone. Thankfully, though, we have talked a lot about family communication. We’ve discussed the importance of asking good biblical questions and how to interpret the answers. We’ve talked about how to be a discerning, wise individual who can draw out another’s heart. We’ve talked about how we must root the entire purpose of our conversation in God’s glory. That means we will only ever speak truth in love. We absolutely should not give our consent to marry based off a couple holidays spent with someone. This will take purposeful, diligent, intentional, conscious, and consistent conversation to truly get to know this potential husband or wife of your child. And then, fourth, we need to be a source of truth for our married kids. Once your kids have made the second most important decision in their lives, you and your spouse still need to pursue a Christ-honoring marriage for God’s glory and your own good, but you also need to be there to help your child and new child-in-law navigate the challenges that they’re going to encounter in a biblical way in worship to God. They’re both sinners. They’re going to sin against each other, and Satan wants nothing more than to destroy their marriage. Therefore, though you will no longer have inherent parental authority in their lives, you can and should have the inherited authority of a brother or sister in Christ. In order to biblically help our kids find a Christ-honoring spouse, we need to teach our kids, guide our kids, investigate carefully the potential spouse, and be a perpetual example and admonishment of what it is to have a Christ-honoring marriage. And we need to do this because God has clear nonnegotiables for marriage that the world is daily trying to undermine and destroy. Conclusion
My friends, it’s a big deal, and we’re here to help your family thrive to the glory of God. So, please share this podcast with your friends, become a monthly donor, and reach out to us. Our biblical counselors would love to come alongside you and help you through your current season of parenting. You can email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894.
And even though I gave you a sneak-peak at next season’s topic, please join us next time as we discuss “What’s Coming in Season 34.” I’ll see you then.
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