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TranscriptIntroduction
Welcome back to the show. We’re so happy you’re joining us today. Our Creator is so gracious and kind as to provide us with everything we need to parent our kids to His honor and glory, and it’s my absolute pleasure to open God’s Word with you to sharpen our parenting skills together.
Truth.Love.Family. exists to glorify God by equipping dads and moms to be the disciple-making ambassador parents God called and created them to be. These biblical parenting resources are a labor of love to see the families in the local church truly bloom and bear bountiful fruit for the Lord. And it’s an honor to be sharpened together with you each week. I hope you’ll subscribe to this show and share this podcast with your friends. In addition to the biblical parenting content, each episode comes with free notes, a transcript, and related resources—and you can find all of those in the description of this episode. And—if you’re new to the show—my name is Aaron Brewster. I’m a Christian, husband, father, biblical counselor, author, and speaker, and I look forward to being challenged in my own parenting today. So, let’s get started. Topic
If your car appears to have sluggish brakes, so you take it in to your mechanic, he’s going to lift your car up and look at the brakes. Once he identifies that the brakes aren’t compressing as they should, he will probably move through a number of logical steps to identify why. He may test to see if the brakes have seized in any way or if the pads are worn down. And none of us would want to pay for him to replace the pads if they weren’t the actual problem. So, let’s say that he identifies the issue—we’re dangerously low on brake fluid. So, he tops us off, charges an exorbitant amount, and then we drive off.
But what if not having enough brake fluid wasn’t actually the main problem? What if the mechanic should have taken another step? What if he should have asked, “Why is the brake fluid so low?” What if after looking at the gaskets and brake lines he discovered that one of the lines had a small hole that was leaking brake fluid? Yes, we’re happy he put more brake fluid in, but—let’s be honest—he didn’t really fix the main problem because he didn’t do his due diligence. And—instead of a mechanical example—I could have used a medical example to make the same point. What good is it to put a bandaid on a cancer patient? We all want the authority in the situation to be wise and intelligent and discerning enough to find and treat the root problem. Well, guess who God has set up as an authority in your children’s lives to help them identify and address their heart issues? That’s right. You’re it. And we have the same temptations the mechanic and the doctor have. Laziness, lack of appropriate education, disinterest, or even intentional negligence are all very real parenting temptations. But we have another set of temptations that most mechanics and only a few doctors have. Our kids don’t want their behavior to be changed. They don’t want anyone telling them there’s a problem that needs fixing. They like their choices and behaviors, and they want the consequences to change without having to change the lifestyle. And so, with all of those temptations, too many times we parents are superficial in our parenting, and we send our kids out into the world with a hole in their brake lines and a cancer in their cells. We provide temporary “fixes” that will only lead to greater pain and heartache in the future. So, how do we fight these temptations? What should we do instead? Well, before we get much farther, I’d like to share with you a video one of our listeners sent in and tell you why she sent it. First, I want to thank Cara for sending this video, and second, I want to invite you to partner with us in preparation of our 10th anniversary. We have so many exciting ideas including a brick and mortar counseling center as well as a nationally syndicated radio show, but we can’t do any of this without the necessary finances. And that’s where listeners like you and Cara come in. Please visit TruthLoveParent.com/donate to learn how you can help us glorify God by equipping dad and moms all over the world to be the biblical ambassador parents God called and created them to be. Now, let’s talk about why resolving one parenting issue should reveal another. 1. There’s only one root issue. In all fairness, there is one and only one problem that—once resolved—will not reveal another, and that’s the root issue of all sin. Now, many people have rightly claimed that all of the following are the root issue of every sin: pride, idolatry, unbelief, and selfishness. And—honestly—you can’t have one without another. Here’s how it works. Pride is a fixation on self that breeds selfishness that chooses to not believe God’s way is best and therefore, to pursue one’s own way (which is idolatry). Now, can these be moved around? Sure, we could say that self-worship is the root from which pride grows that produces selfishness and disbelief. We could also accurately say that disbelief is what gives rise to self-worship that produces pride which produces selfishness. I think you see my point. However, I think the best singular element on which to focus with our children is pride. I believe this is the best place to start for the following reasons. A. Pride is an extremely important but also vastly misunderstood concept. The world has twisted the idea of pride and so wrenched it out of its biblical moorings that the word not only doesn’t mean what the Bible reveals, but it can mean so much more. Now, we don’t have the time to deal with the fact that the English language has at least 5 accepted definitions with various sub-definitions. Not all of those usages of the word “pride” is inherently bad or should be cast out of our vocabularies. But if we’re going to help our kids understand what the Bible means, then it will be exceptionally important that the Scriptural concept is our main usage. To simplify, pride is an exaltation of self. But this exaltation of self is not merely an overinflation. The church has been guilty of reducing pride to nothing more than arrogance. Arrogance is thinking too highly of one’s self. But thinking accurately about oneself can still be prideful. Here’s how I like to explain it. In I Corinthians 10:31, we’re commanded to glorify God in all things. Mark 12:29-31 reveals that we are to love God first and foremost and then love our neighbors as ourselves. We’re also commanded to have the same mind that Jesus had Who set aside His privilege to be incarnated and sacrifice Himself for us. Humility is not thinking lowly of ourselves, humility is simply not thinking of ourselves at all unless it’s necessary as we glorify God and love others. So, I’m not going to avoid caring for my body because God wants me to steward my health well. I’m not going to wear smelly clothes because I love those around me. I’m not doing this because I would be embarrassed or I want people to think of me in a certain way; I’m doing it because I value God and others. Our children need to understand that every time they exalt their own feelings, desires, comfort, pleasure, opinions, or beliefs above others . . . they’re being prideful. Such behavior may manifest itself in arrogant bragging, but it may also be revealed in the actions of a “shy” child who refuses to be polite to new people. So, pride is very important to understand so that we recognize what God would have of us when He teaches on pride and humility, but . . . B. We can better understand the other roots when we correctly understand pride. Pride is that focus on self that makes us selfish. Pride is the exaltation of self that results in the idolatrous worship of self. Pride is the deluding influence that stops us of from trusting God and—instead—doing what’s right in our own eyes. So, yes, if you’re dealing with your child about their pride, then there truly are no deeper levels that need uncovering. But, most of the time, that is not the end goal of our parenting. 2. We need to allow the superficial behavior to lead us to the root. If our child lies, and we reprimand him, threaten him with consequences, tell him how unhappy we are with him, and tell him never to do it again, then who knows what will happen. Either A. the child will choose not to lie because he doesn’t want to hurt us or get in trouble or receive whatever other consequences we use to motivate him, or B. he’ll just be more careful to lie better in the future, or C. he won’t care at all and won’t change anything. The point is, we haven’t truly addressed the most seminal facet of his being that’s grown into this withering blossom that is lying. The title of today’s show is “How Resolving One Problem Needs to Reveal Others.” Of course, a more accurate title could have been “How No Problem Is Truly Resolved Until You Resolve the Root Problem.” As you talk with your child about his lying, there will be countless opportunities to dig deeper. He’ll either reveal his deepest needs via his own words and actions, or you can ask questions and probe into the heart. Either way, this is what’s necessary. A. You need to understand that there’s a root problem. Hopefully, we can check this one off our list because we all have a better understanding that pride is at the root of all sin and that—if left unchanged—there will be no true Spirit-empowered maturity in your child’s life. Before we go any further, if you’re new to the show, we want to strongly encourage you to listen to our Merest Christianity Series. Beside the Biblical Parenting Essential Series, I would argue that the Merest Christianity covers the most important truths any child of God can know, understand, and believe. We need it for ourselves, but we also need it to help our kids. In addition to those resources, I also think the Parenting a Zombie Series is super helpful as it unpacks the dire warnings the Bible makes about foolishness. Once we understand that there is actually a deeper problem that needs addressing . . . B. You need to learn to revolve your priorities. It’s so easy to be a one-track mind type of person. We have a destination we want to get to, and we want to get there in the fastest, most efficient way possible. I don’t want my child to steal, so I do whatever is necessary (as long as I can do it very quickly) to convince them not to steal. Problem solved. Destination reached. However, far too often that destination is never really reached. We pridefully parented our child in self-worshipping selfishness that doesn’t trust God’s plan for our parenting, and the child so often responds with the same prideful, selfish, self-worshipping unbelief as they continue stealing and hiding it from us. Listen, I don’t like making any of this about me, but not only do I know this to be true because of all of the families with whom I work, but I’m describing me as a young person. I was the liar. I was the thief. I was caught and parented and received consequences, and I still continued doing it because—most of the time—no one was ripping back the distractions and veils and barriers I had erected around my heart. No one was consistently and aggressively addressing my self-worship and unbelief and selfishness and pride. In the end, I simply became a better liar and thief. Now, I praise the Lord that He used a number of factors once I got to college that tore through those layers and pierced to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and I was convicted of my lying and my stealing, but—so much more than that—I was convicted of my hatred of God and His will, my deliberate unbelief, my grotesque selfishness and self-worship, and my heinous pride. And I repeatedly fell on my face before God and begged Him to forgive me and change me. Now, I share all of that—not to talk about myself—but to offer to you genuine proof that what God says is true. It’s not enough to simply address the superficial behavior, we absolutely must revolve our priorities to get to the heart of the matter. Of course, I’d love to role play this for you and give you some examples, but the problem is that nearly every parenting situation tends to be so different. Everything matters in those instances, who the child is, who you are, your relationship, what they did, what they know, what they’ve been taught, how they’re acting, what their eyes are doing, their words, their gestures, their attitudes, and each of those parts of the formula need to be considered as I carefully and discerningly try to identify the best thread to follow, the best questions to ask, and the best priorities to chase. If you want to learn more about the details of revolving priorities, and you’re interested in some test cases and examples both from my own experience as well as straight from Jesus in the Scriptures, then I recommend you check out two episodes. The first is called “The Indispensable Parenting Tool Called Revolving Priorities.” The other is called “Revolving Priorities | A Biblical Example.” As was mentioned before, you can find links to all of the resources I mention in the description of today’s episode and at TruthLoveParent.com. This indispensable tool will allow you to identify and revolve to the main biblical priority in the conversation. In this particular instance, let’s say that our child is refusing to eat her vegetables. Listen, force-feeding her veggies really isn’t the main priority here. Getting my way isn’t the main priority. In fact, getting her to understand the value of vegetables and obey isn’t the main priority. Without an understanding of her own pride, selfishness, unbelief, and idolatry, she won’t truly be able to obey in any meaningful way. Now, yes, of course, we want to communicate these concepts in ways she will understand, but we shouldn’t avoid the necessary biblical truth of the situation simply because she’s young. It’s just as easy to communicate, “Eat your vegetables” as it is to communicate, “You do not get to be in charge. God wants you to love Him and obey your parents. You need to let God be in charge, and you need to do what you’re told.” “But, Aaron, you didn’t use the words ‘pride, selfishness, unbelief, or idolatry.’” That’s correct. But I did reveal to her that her greatest need was to not exalt herself above God’s will and her parent’s authority. I did identify her foolish pursuit of doing what’s right in her own eyes and her lack of love. Of course, it’s even better when I’ve been careful to lay a solid foundation of teaching before this moment so that I can reach back to those touchstones in the moment of disobedience. And if she furrows her brow and starts crying or fighting, then I can identify with better clarity that current spiritual battle she’s waging. So, in order to get to the real heart of the issue, we need to believe the biblical truth that there’s a root that needs to be addressed, and then we need to resolve our priorities in order to highlight and address that root issue. But talking to our kids isn’t enough. Therefore . . . C. You need to call your child to submit to God’s will. We have an episode called “The Point of (nearly) Every Conversation.” On that show we talk about how it’s so easy for us parents to do a lot of soap-boxing, but we rarely actually guide our children to the moment of decision. If you’ve listened to any of the material covered in our Biblical Parenting Essential Series, then you know that we can only ever teach and reprove our kids if they’re not going to participate in the process. It’s not until they choose to believe the truth of what we’re saying that they’ll cross over the bridge to the correction and training phases of parenting. And it’s really this simple. Jesus exemplifies it for us so often. Frequently in the Gospels, Jesus confronted people about their unbelief. In Matthew 9:28, He asks the blind men, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” But I really love the example in John 11. In verses 21 and 22, Martha confronts Jesus about not being here for Lazarus’ death. In verses 25 through 27 Jesus says, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, 26 and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die—ever. Do you believe this?” Even though Martha says she believes Him, later in the same passage we see her trying to stop Him from doing what was necessary to raise Lazarus, and Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” As we parent their stubbornness and lust and deceit and ungrateful hearts and complaining and laziness and rebellion, we need to draw them to a place where they recognize that they are exalting themselves and their desires above God and His commands. They’re acting like Satan who thought he could raise himself above God. They need to see their selfishness and delusion and self-worship, and then we need to call them to make a choice. “Are you going to continue in your pride and disbelief, or are you going to submit to God’s love, goodness, holiness, and wisdom?” And we need to wait for them to answer. Then, and really only then have we done everything we can to rear our child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. We’ve addressed the behavior by revealing the heart that’s at the root of the behavior. We’ve opened the Scripture to give our child the right view of God and understanding of His will, and we’ve given them everything they need from the knowledge of God for them to escape the temptation to continue in pride and—instead—humble themselves before the Lord. Conclusion
Of course, there are so many details that are involved in this process. That’s why I want to invite you to email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894 if there’s any way we can work with you individually to help you work through the problems to reveal the most important ones.
And we’d love to help as many people as possible do the same thing, so please share this episode on social media so more people can learn how to get past superficial parenting and get to the heart of their child’s deepest need. And don’t forget that your faithful giving can help us reach even more people—people that you don’t even know—with the truth of God’s Word and help for their families. Please visit TruthLoveParent.com/donate to lear more. And then join us next week as we ask the question “What Would Change in Your Home?” I’ll see you then.
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