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TranscriptIntroduction
I’m your host AMBrewster, and today we’re going to discuss an issue that’s probably reared it’s ugly head in every single family that’s ever lived. That’s right, we’re going to talk about how to get our kids to stop trying to play dad against mom and mom against dad.
If you learn something valuable today and want to continue your study, we have free episode notes, a transcript, and links to related resources in the description of today’s episode. If this is the first time you’ve joined us, you should hit the subscribe button and plan to spend some more time with us next week. Now, let’s jump right in. Topic
Why do kids play their parents against each other, and how do they even know to do that at such a young age?
Well, if you’ve been with us for a while, then you know that we trust what the Bible has to say about us and our kids. That means that we’re all sinners. We don’t have to be taught to choose our own identity and do everything we can to achieve our own security. We don’t have to be taught to be foolish and destructive in our relationships. Of course, if you’re new to the show, I invite you to listen to our Biggest Parenting Challenges You’ll Ever Face Series. In that series we talk about children and security, technology, autonomy, authority, morality, sexuality, family, addictions, and identity. And we discuss these issues from a biblical perspective. We also talk about the problem of foolishness in our Parenting a Zombie Series. The point is, we don’t have to be taught to fight for what we want, and we don’t have to be taught how to manipulate people into what we want. It’s instinctual. It’s second nature. That’s why—without seeing anyone else do it, without ever being taught—even young children will make a request of the parent they think will give them what they want. They’ll tell the disagreeing parent, “Yeah, but Mom said . . . “ or “But Dad always let’s me do it.” In fact, some children will go so far as to deceive the first parent in order to flat out lie to the second parent. Have you experienced any of this in your home? Well, you don’t have to; we can help our children abandon this tactic. But before we go too much further, I’d like to remind you that we have been creating this free content for nearly 10 years now, and our ability to do this has been solely the grace of God through the generous donations of the families who consume our material. We don’t have any singular organization or individual who bankrolls this ministry. We also don’t make much money off the products and services we sell. We’re able to continue doing this because God’s people give 5, 10, 20, or $100 a month. Little by little, those funds add up, and—most years—we’re honored to steward the $20,000 or so our listeners give. But this year—as we approach our 10th anniversary—we’re dreaming big and asking you to partner with us to reach a goal of $100,000. This is an unprecedented ask, I know, but I believe the Lord would be glorified by helping Truth.Love.Family. reach more and more families with the redeeming truth of His Word. So, whether it’s $5 or $500, we humbly ask you to help us continue serving families all over the world. I don’t think any one person is going to donate $100,000—though I’d love it if they did. So, it’s probably going to happen as all of our listeners work together and give what they can. You can learn more at TruthLoveParent.com/donate, and I thank you in advance for coming alongside this ministry. Now, let’s talk about how to parent your kids so that they stop pitting you against your spouse. 1. Stop pitting yourself against your spouse. I know. I probably shouldn’t have led with this point, but I have to be honest, this point right here is one of the most important. The temptation to play you against your husband or wife is so incredibly high when you’ve already shown your kids that you’re against each other. Now, your sin doesn’t justify their’s, but our topic is how to help your kids to stop doing this, so don’t you think it’s a good idea if the two of you stopped doing it yourselves? We did an episode a while back called “One Flesh, One Team.” That might be a good place to start. Of course, we also have the Peaceful Parenting Series that teaches us to have peace in our homes. I also wrote a book about overcoming family strife called “Quit,” we have another podcast series on Biblical Conflict Resolution, and there’s an online family devotional we created called “A Family United in God.” That devotional normally costs $50 and comes with an 8-part study through the book of Ephesians with LifeWork and discussion questions to help your family achieve God’s plan for your unity. If that devotional sounds like a resource that would benefit you, then I’ve got some great news for you. First, if you use the link in the description, you can get that devotional on the Evermind App for only $25. But, if you become a monthly donor, you have access to everything on the Evermind App for free. So, that’s cool. The point is, we talk about this a lot because family division is a very real and all-too-prevalent thing. And since a house divided against itself cannot stand, if you’re trying to find ways of keeping other people from pitting you against each other, you should probably start working on that log in your own eye before addressing the same sliver in someone else’s. Now, that can be a difficult process. So, if you’d be interested in working with a biblical counselor, stick with us to the end, and I’ll give you the contact information of biblical counselors who can help. Believe it or not, your children will be less tempted to think they can separate the two of you if you’re a unified couple. 2. Teach your children that this behavior is wrong. In preparation for this episode, I perused what the internet had to say on the topic of kids playing their parents against each other, and 9 times out of 10, telling the children that such behavior won’t be tolerated wasn’t even mentioned by the “experts.” But if we’re being Biblical Ambassador Parents, then our kids need to understand why that behavior doesn’t please the Lord. We have to teach them what is right and what is wrong. We need to reprove them when they do that which is wrong, and we need to invite them to change so we can lovingly correct and train them. You can learn more about being a Biblical Ambassador Parent on our Biblical Parenting Essentials Series. Have you ever taken the time to sit your children down and teach them from the Scriptures why they shouldn’t pit you against your spouse? If not, why not? And if not, why not now? You can even do this if your kids have never tried to pit you against each other. There’s nothing wrong with preemptively teaching our kids how to avoid temptation. We don’t teach our kids not to steal only after they’ve stolen, do we? “But, Aaron, what if I’m not sure how to do this? What does the Bible actually have to say about playing parents against each other?” The answer to that question could be an episode all in itself, but I’ll give you a few starting places. A. The Bible doesn’t directly address this. Historical anecdotes like when Rebecca worked against her husband Isaac to help her son, Jacob, get what he wanted is close, but it’s not exactly what we’re discussing since Rebecca instigated that herself. That event takes place in Genesis 27. Therefore, we need to have a more robust understanding of God’s expectations for our lives and how His will should impact each of our decisions. So . . . B. The Bible has a lot to say about honesty. Much of this manipulation involves some sort of deceit. Proverbs 12:22 and Ephesians 4:25 are great starting paces. By the way, I’m about to throw a number of Bible passages at you, but don’t worry if you can’t write them all down, our Episodes Notes will have them all. C. The Bible has a lot to say about honoring your parents. Exodus 20:12 and Ephesians 6:1-3 teach the importance of honoring, and you will need to help them see how pitting you against each other isn’t showing honor, it’s hurting people for the child’s own perceived benefit. D. The Bible has a lot to say about obedience. Whether they understand it or not, if you’ve told them they’re not allowed to manipulate you like that, to attempt to do so is disobedience, and—therefore—a sin for which there need to be consequences. The Ephesians 6:1 passage hits on the importance of obedience as well. E. The Bible has a lot to say about causing division. Proverbs 6:19 and Galatians 5:19-21 are just a couple passages that touch on this. F. The Bible has a lot to say about speaking truth in love. Ephesians 4:15 and verse 29 as well as I Corinthians 13 go into great detail about this point. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many other biblical principles that can be brought to bear on this subject. So, first, we need to stop pitting ourselves against our spouses. Second, we need to teach our kids that this behavior is unacceptable. From there, we simply need to build on that foundation. 3. Be wise enough to confer with your spouse before answering your child. This is especially important if you’ve noticed a tendency for your child to target the one parent who they think will agree with them. Knowing this is a temptation for the child, it can be very helpful to not give permission until you’ve spoken with your spouse. Listen, we don’t have to be arrogant here. I know you’re perfectly capable of answering the child’s question, but in situations when you and your spouse frequently disagree on these points or if there’s a question about the way your child is going about it, then there’s great wisdom to say, “That’s a good question, how about you and I bring your mom/dad into this to figure out the best plan of action.” This honors your spouse, this presents a unified front, and this communicates to the child that dad and mom desire to make important decisions together. And if your son or daughter all of sudden responds with, “Never mind, it’s not that big of deal,” or “forget about it,” or he or she starts complaining, “Now, I definitely won’t be able to do it,” then you have pretty decent confirmation that this was a premeditated choice on your child’s part to set the two of you against each other . . . or bare minimum, simply to take advantage of the parent who would have given them what they wanted. But you’re probably going to forget from time to time as you build this new habit, so, let’s say that you or your spouse answers the child and they head off to the other. 4. When your children attempt to manipulate you, revolve your priorities. If you’ve never heard of Revolving Priorities, you will enjoy the episode linked in the description. For now, though, the basic idea is that far too often we parents get distracted from the more important concern because of our initial desires or responses. Here’s how this plays out. Your child comes to you telling you that your spouse has given them permission to do something for which you wouldn’t have given permission. Too often, our initial response is to be frustrated with the spouse. Another initial desire would be to disagree with the child about how they won’t be doing it even if the other parent thinks it’s okay. But, the real need of the moment is that your child is clearly working the two of you. In that situation, it doesn’t matter what the other parent supposedly thinks about the child’s request, and it doesn’t really matter what the child was requesting because the real issue is that—whether on purpose or not—the child appears to be pitting the two of you against each other. In this situation, you should take the child to the first parent and have a conversation about what the child has attempted to do. If you’ve already taught them that such behavior is inappropriate, then this conversation will be much easier and probably shorter. It’s not about the disagreement between the parents, and it’s not about the child’s request, the real priority of the moment is the manipulation, lie, disobedience, dishonor, or whatever the main issue happens to be. And, finally . . . 5. Be consistent. Whether its consistency in uniting with your spouse, teaching your child not to play their parents, conferring with your spouse before answering your child, revolving your priorities, or simply faithfully giving consequences when your children try to pit you against each other, strive to be perpetually constant. Not only is inconsistency a sign of spiritual immaturity, but it’s also a safeguard for your kids. How valuable would a childproof cap be if it were only sometimes childproof? How thankful would you be for a fire alarm that worked randomly or brakes on your automobile that were inconsistent? Biblically consistent parenting is the safest thing you can do for your children. Ecclesiastes 9:10 says, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” In I Corinthians 9:24-27, we read, “Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. 25 Now everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a corruptible crown, but we an incorruptible. 26 Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; 27 but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.” Our faithful perseverance results in our greatest good, but it also provides the necessary, perpetual accountability our kids need. Conclusion
Thank you for joining us today. I pray something here challenged you to think differently about this topic. So, will you please share this episode with your friends and family so that they too can be challenged to parent their kids toward Christlikeness?
And feel free to email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894 if you would like help being the biblically consistent parent God called and created you to be. And join us next time as we talk about “How Resolving One Problem Needs to Reveal Others.” I’ll see you then.
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