Discover even more places to enjoy Truth.Love.Parent.
Episode Notes
Click the link below to download the PDF.
TranscriptIntroduction
I’m your host AMBrewster, and today we’re approaching a decade’s old debate from a slightly different angle. We’re going to talk about your child and self-esteem.
You can peruse the description of this episode to access free notes, a transcript, and links to related resources to help you continue your study. So, let’s get started. Topic
When discussing secular psychiatry, all honest participants will acknowledge that we all tend to speak far to concretely about topics and themes and diagnosis about which we have little to no consensus.
For example, in an article written in 2003 for the National Institute of Health entitled “The foundation of self-esteem,” Dr. Joseph A Bailey, II argues: “Self-esteem is a simplistic term for varied and complex mental states pertaining to how one views oneself. It takes but little research in the voluminous literature to see the vagueness and inconsistencies in its various definitions. Even more problematic is the uncertainty concerning its foundational components. The importance of having a solid definition and specific ideas about the foundational components of self-esteem is that [they] both pave the way to recognizing its causes; to predicting effects from those causes; and to organizing the trouble-shooting process for locating those philosophical flaws or psychological scars which lead to low self-esteem. The purpose of this paper is to offer a common ground for thinking about self-esteem at its most basic level.” “Yes, but Aaron, that was written in 2003.” Yes, and things have only become more and more confused. Instead of finding a pathological root that creates consistent symptoms and consequences, we’ve continued to find that there is no consistent pathology, symptom, or consequence to the supposed reality of “low self-esteem.” And this uncertainty is not solely limited to discussions concerning disorders and illnesses. The very interworking of the brain itself is a mystery. Yes, the brain sciences have come a long way, but even the post-gradate textbooks must say at the very beginning of the book, that there is more that we don’t understand about the brain than what we do understand. So, in order to agree on our terms, I have chosen what I believe should likely be the most respected opinion on this topic. We’re going to use the definition presented by the American Psychological Society. Once we’ve established a working definition of self-esteem, we’re going to work through that definition and compare it to biblical thought. It’s important that we have one, agreed-upon definition, or else the words we’re using will mean nothing. If I say that self-esteem is nothing more nor less than confidence in my abilities, but you believe that self-esteem is your sense of personal worth, we can never come to consensus. But before we consider what the American Psychological Society has to say about self-esteem, I want to invite you to pray for me and my daughter as we head to Lacombe, LA. I’ll be teaching about the Biblical Parenting Essentials, and Ivy will be helping me at our display. God’s people parenting in God’s way is one of the most powerful tools of evangelism available to the church. If you would like me to come to your church to preach and/or teach about parenting, please write us at [email protected], or visit AMBrewster.com to learn more. Alright, here’s how the American Psychological Society defines self-esteem. This definition was last updated on November 5th, 2023. Self-esteem is “the degree to which the qualities and characteristics contained in one’s self-concept are perceived to be positive. It reflects a person’s physical self-image, view of their accomplishments and capabilities, and values and perceived success in living up to them, as well as the ways in which others view and respond to that person. The more positive the cumulative perception of these qualities and characteristics, the higher one’s self-esteem. A reasonably high degree of self-esteem is considered an important ingredient of mental health, whereas low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness are common depressive symptoms.” Here’s the format for the rest of this episode. We’re going to take this definition idea by idea and compare it to the available biblical material on the topic. So, here we go. 1. Self-esteem is the degree to which the qualities and characteristics contained in one’s self-concept are perceived to be positive. Now, as with many definitions, we quickly find that we cannot perfectly understand the definition because another term has been inserted that also needs to be defined. According to the APA, self-concept is defined as “one’s description and evaluation of oneself, including psychological and physical characteristics, qualities, skills, roles and so forth. Self-concepts contribute to the individual’s sense of identity over time. The conscious representation of self-concept is dependent in part on nonconscious schematization of the self. Although self-concepts are usually available to some degree to the consciousness, they may be inhibited from representation yet still influence judgment, mood, and behavioral patterns.” Well, we could do a full series on that definition. Suffice it to say, we’re going to limit our understanding of self-concept to “one’s description and evaluation of oneself.” Therefore, according to the APA, self-esteem is the degree to which you judge the various facets that contribute to who you are as being positive. Therefore, low self-esteem would involve negatively assessing the characteristics and qualities that comprise how I view myself. Okay, so if self-esteem depends on how I interpret the qualities and characteristics of my personality, body, skills, etc, then we already have some biblical problems. A. Mankind does not get to define what is positive or negative. Someone may feel very good about themselves because they perceive their stubbornness as a positive characteristic. In Psalm 81:11-12 we hear the Lord say, “But my people did not listen to my voice; Israel would not submit to me. So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts, to follow their own counsels.” Proverbs 29:1 says, “He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck, will suddenly be broken beyond healing.” Proverbs 21:2 reads, “Every man’s way is right in his own eyes, But Yahweh weighs the hearts.” We have a whole episode entitled “What Happens When Your Family Does What’s Right in Its Own Eyes?” It’s not pretty. And we know from Jeremiah 17:9 that "The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can know it?” Just because we conceive something in us to be good, doesn’t mean that it really is. It doesn’t mean that I should feel good about myself because of that particular attribute. B. Feeling positive about something negative is ultimately destructive. Our world is overflowing with people celebrating the worst parts of themselves. Their self-esteem is off the chart, but they’re feeling really good about things that God defines as dangerous, destructive, divisive, and deadly. C. People are sinners. Listen, at my core of cores, I am a sinner. That’s not pretty. I shouldn’t feel good about that. In fact, in Matthew chapter 5, Jesus says that I should grieve the fact that I am spiritually destitute. Jesus’ half-brother James—in the fourth chapter of his letter, verses 8 through 9 says, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be miserable and mourn and cry. Let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom." We should be ashamed, grieved, and broken about our sin. Therefore, self-esteem is already an problem because—according to God—there absolutely are things about ourselves that we decidedly must not feel good about. Let’s compare these biblical realities to the last part of the definition. 2. A reasonably high degree of self-esteem is considered an important ingredient of mental health, whereas low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness are common depressive symptoms. But what if I am worthless? If I am being useless to God and everyone else because I’m not fulfilling the purpose for which He created me, isn’t it appropriate for me to feel bad about that? Ephesians 2:10 tells us, “we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.” If in eternity past God decided that I would be created in Christ Jesus for good works (as He defines them), then it’s appropriate for me to feel guilty and convicted about not doing the things He created me to do. In our How Your Children Respond to Sin Series, we talked about the conviction response to sin. We looked at the mercy and grace that is conviction and how we desperately need it. In our Children & Shame Series we step through the Scriptures to understand what good shame is and why we need it in our lives as well as how to fight the bad shame. Therefore, we can’t remotely be considered mentally healthy if we’re feeling good about ourselves when we should be feeling bad about ourselves. I’m going to address the final part of this definition at the end—whereas low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness are common depressive symptoms—so don’t worry, I didn’t miss it. 3. Self-esteem reflects a person’s physical self-image, view of their accomplishments and capabilities, and values and perceived success in living up to them, as well as the ways in which others view and respond to that person. Here again we see the importance of the individual’s perceived successes, but they also add the extra layer of how others view and respond to us. I’ve already succinctly shown that we cannot be trusted to rightly conceive of ourselves in an accurate way. We need God and His Word to do that. We also saw that it’s very important for us to humbly conceive of ourselves the way God says we should. That will often involve shame and guilt because I have sinned and am being wicked. But what about what other people think about me? In Galatians 1:10 we read, “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Proverbs 29:25 tells us, “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” I Thessalonians 2:4 reads, “But just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts.” Matthew 5 says we’re blessed when people persecute us, and I could go on and on with commands and principles and illustrations that tell us two key lessons. A. We don’t have to give a second thought when other people judge us wrongly. That would be bad shame. We can reject that. However . . . B. We must give weight when other’s judge us biblically because they are communicating to us what God says. At that point, it actually has nothing to do with what you think of me. You were just the conduit through which God helped me see that I was displeasing Him. This is Inherited Authority at it’s best. It has nothing to do with the human, but everything to do with God. And in situations like that, yes, it should mean a lot to us what God says about us and our lives. That just wraps us back to the previous points. But there’s another really important biblical consideration concerning what we think other people think about us. In I Samuel 16:7, “Yahweh said to Samuel, ‘Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but Yahweh looks at the heart.’” C. We can no more conclusively know what others think than they can know what we think. Yes, of course, we can know that someone hates us or thinks we’re dumb if they tell us. But most of the time people complain to me that no one likes them, they haven’t concluded that because of what the person said. They’re interpreting a bunch of subjective cues, and—quite frequently—they have atrociously misinterpreted those cues. Therefore, one of the stupidest things a human can do is worry about what they think other people think about them. 4. The more positive the cumulative perception of these qualities and characteristics, the higher one’s self-esteem. If this is true, then it might be good that my self-esteem is high. I might be agreeing with God’s valuation of my character and be matching up to it. But I might not be agreeing with God. That would mean that my high self-esteem is bad. I also might be deceived into thinking God thinks my characteristics are beneficial. Again, that’s more bad self-esteem. And finally . . . 5. Low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness are common depressive symptoms. That observation is not entirely inaccurate. Yes, people who consider themselves to be depressed, often do view themselves as worthless or negative. But that doesn’t mean that everyone who views himself as worthless or accurately recognizes his negative characteristics feels depressed. In fact—if we go back to Matthew 5 and James 4—we see that a right view of our sinfulness, coupled by a right view of God’s holiness produces great joy. The beatitudes start with spiritual destitution and grief which leads to humility before God. God then works in that person so that they hunger after that which is truly esteem-able, He comforts us, blesses us, satisfies us, pours mercy on us, and causes us to rejoice even in the face of persecution. In James 4, after telling us to “let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom,” he continues “Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.” I wish I had time to go into it all right now, but I don’t. But I will make a statement, and then point you to the material where I support that statement from the Scriptures. Just like there is a sinful sorrow and a sanctified sorrow, a sinful fear and a sanctified fear, a sinful anger and sanctified anger, there is also a sinful depression and a sanctified depression. The very definitions of humility and worship are depressive in nature. I unpack this concept in Part 7 of the Practical Suffering section of the Suffering Well online course on the Evermind App. That session is called “Depress Correctly.” Normally that course costs $50 but if you use the link in the description of today’s episode, you can get all 12 counseling sessions for only $25. My point is that what the world might call “depressive symptoms” are not inherently bad and should be avoided. In fact, they may be absolutely necessary for true healing. Consider II Corinthians 7:9-11, “I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to repentance. For you were made to have godly sorrow, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. 10 For godly sorrow produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world brings about death.” Now, I could not dive into a discussion about how the love of self is actually destructive, but I think the Scripture has made its point. Conclusion
In conclusion, let me be the first to say that there is real joy and delight that can come when we have skills and talents that we use to please the Lord. There is satisfaction that comes from living healthily and being successful in our endeavors. But Christians shouldn’t inherently just feel good about themselves because they think they’re good looking, talented, or holy.
No! We should be praising the Lord because He is the one who blesses us in those ways. An arrogant, prideful individual would simply feel good about himself, but a humble person would feel good about God and His working in us. That is the esteem we should have. And—you know what—not having that esteem has been the problem ever since the beginning. In Isaiah 53:3 we read, “He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.” But fast forward hundreds of years to the time of Acts when people were humbly submitting to the convicting preaching of Christ, and what do we see? In Acts 5:12-14 we read, “Now at the hands of the apostles many signs and wonders were happening among the people, and they were all with one accord in Solomon’s Portico. 13 But none of the rest dared to associate with them; however, the people were holding them in high esteem. 14 And more than ever believers in the Lord were added to their number, multitudes of men and women.” The word translated here as “high esteem” is translated “magnify” in other places. For example, in Luke 1:46 where Mary proclaims, “My soul magnifies the Lord,” and Luke 10:46 where people are “magnifying God.” When we correctly esteem God, we will have more joy and peace and contentment and satisfaction then anyone could possibly hope to have esteeming him or herself. So, when it comes to your child and self-esteem . . . forget about it. It’s not only a bad idea, it’s a really bad idea. Teach your kids to view themselves the way God does. Teach them to esteem God, and they will be the happiest kids on the block. Please share this episode with your friends so we can rescue our kids from the lethal slavery of self-esteem. And if you would like us to help your family better understand and implement these truths, please email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894. I would be honored to serve your family in that way. Well, this is it. This is almost the end of our 32nd season. On our next episode we’re going to preview Season 33, and then we’re going to celebrate our 600th episode the next week. See you then!
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Receive UpdatesJoin The TLP Family and receive email updates when we publish new articles and episodes.
Subscribe to Our Podcast Categories
All
Archives
October 2025
|
||||||||
RSS Feed
