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TranscriptIntroduction
It is I, Aaron Michael Brewster, your host, and I’m overjoyed you are returning to join us today.
You may be driving, doing the laundry, out on a walk, or actually sitting with an open Bible and notebook, but . . . regardless . . . I am truly honored to be walking alongside you as you seek to worship God by parenting your children to His honor and glory. Today’s topic is going to be less controversial than some of our topics this season, but I also believe it’s more nuanced because parent’s don’t utilize this tool as much as they have in the past. If that’s the case, then my hope for today’s episode is that those who are using the wrong tool will start using the right one, those who aren’t using either tool will also start using the right one, and those who are using the right tool will have some ideas of how to make it more impactful. As always, we have free episode notes, a transcript, and related resources available for you in the description of this episode. So, let’s dive right in. Topic
When I was growing up, there were any number of parenting cliches and stereotypes that would elicit as many painful grimaces as it would pitiful laughs.
When asked about the motivation for obedience, a father might utter the profound words "Because I said so.” When a complaint arose about the current standard of living, a parent would retort "Money doesn't grow on trees.” And—of course—the go-to response when in the family car heading somewhere the child wants to go and things are getting too rowdy in the backseat, "Don't make me turn this car around." When a child would get in so much trouble that his mother would be completely fed up, she would strike fear into the child’s heart with six little words, ”Wait till your father gets home." Then—during times that should have involved disciplinary reproof but instead descended into nothing more than judicial punishment—parents were want to hear “Go and get me something to beat you with,” or "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about”? But the parents on the other side of the equation weren’t fairing very well either. A solid “Go to your room” was a mainstay for so many parents—mostly because it simply removed the perceived agitant—the child—from the equation for a while. And then there was sitting or standing in a corner or the dreaded—standing with your nose against a wall. But there was another cliche. These parents probably viewed themselves as doing a better job than the rest who only punished their kids. These parents would also send their children to their rooms, but they added the sagely addition, “Go to your room and think about what you’ve done.” Now as the years progressed, society made more and more fun of these last few options because being sent to one’s room was generally exactly what the child would have wanted. They got to leave the uncomfortable situation and enter their favorite room in the house—the room in which many children had all of their toys, TVs, and video games. No doubt, the child truly was “thinking about what he or she had done.” But, you know, the idea had merit. I believe it was a good idea, but poor execution and—often—poor motivation that caused the tool to backfire. In fact, I would argue that we really need to implement this concept into our parenting . . . we just need to do it a better way. But before we step away from the cultural critiques to walk through the biblical perspective on this topic, I’d like to tell you about a conversation I had with my wife a couple days ago. We were discussing the final months of this year and were considering some of the implication for 2026, and I made the off-hand observation that I might have to stop podcasting. She asked why, and I told her that if things continue the way they are, we’re not going to have enough donations coming in to cover the cost of maintaining this nonprofit. On our current trajectory, the bank account will be empty. And—you know—those are hard realities with which to come to terms. But they’re true. And that’s why I’ve been urging everyone to strongly consider becoming a monthly donor of this ministry. With your tax-exempt support, we can continue to produce these free biblical parenting resources and reach dads and moms all over the world. I know times are tough right now and the economy is overheated. But if you will partner with us, I’ll be able to continue partnering with you as I create biblical parenting content, counsel families, and equip churches. Please visit TruthLoveParent.com/donate to learn more. And now, let’s give careful consideration to the fact that having our child “think about what they’ve done” has the potential of being a really important step in biblical parenting, but also how most of the time it ends up being extremely counterproductive. 1. Escapism People hate uncomfortable situations. In fact, as we learned in The Biggest Parenting Challenges You Will Ever Face Series, one of our fundamental problems is that we sprint and fight toward our perceived version of security—a mixture of safety and satisfaction. But because we’re finite, foolish sinners, we’re incapable of correctly identifying that which is truly safe and satisfying. And so we so often pursue that which is the exact opposite of spiritual security. In Proverbs 18:1-2 we read, “He who separates himself seeks his own desire, He breaks out in dispute against all sound wisdom. 2 A fool does not delight in discernment, But only in revealing his own heart.” Left to ourselves, when we think about what we’ve done, we’re going to conclude that we did the right thing and that anyone who disagrees with us is wrong. The Merest Christianity Series helped us understand that everyone does what they truly believe is best. Otherwise—we wouldn’t do it! Left to ourselves, when sent to our rooms to think about what we’ve done, it’s going to be easier to further intrench ourselves and even grow in bitterness toward our parents who are giving us consequences for doing what was clearly okay. And that’s because of what I said a moment ago. In our foolishness, we run toward that which is spiritually dangerous. Solomon illustrates this reality as he interacts his son in the first chapter of Proverbs. In verses 15 through 18 we read, “My son, do not walk in the way with them. Withhold your feet from their pathway, 16 For their feet run to evil And they hasten to shed blood. 17 For it is no use that a net is spread In the sight of any bird; 18 But they lie in wait for their own blood; They ambush their own lives.” Proverbs 26:27, “He who digs a pit will fall into it, And he who rolls a stone, it will turn back on him.” And even when people aren’t actively pursuing the hurt of others, Proverbs 12:15 reveals that “The way of an ignorant fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.” And when confronted by that verse, so many are quick to push back, “I’m not an ignorant fool!” But Proverbs 21:2 says, “Every man’s way is right in his own eyes, But Yahweh weighs the hearts.” This is why “Go to your room and think about what you’ve done” is so dangerous. It actually enables the child to separate himself to seek his own desire and break out against all sound wisdom because he doesn’t delight in discernment; he only delights in revealing his own heart. This is escapism-escape the situation and further entrench myself what is right in my own eyes. Now, of course, no parent would actually want that to happen. Every parent is hoping the child will do what? Well, unsaved parents are hoping the child is going to see it the way they—the parent—see it. Perhaps the parents have a general idea of common sense or cultural wisdom they expect the child to apply to the situation. For the Christian parent, hopefully we don’t want them to merely see it the way we see it. Hopefully, we’re expecting our child to think about the situation the way God wants them to. But without an act of God’s grace in empowerment, or the intentional direction of a born again parent, that’s not going to happen. The child will not come to spiritual truth. In fact, if they’re not saved, there’s no chance they’re going to come to any biblical conclusions. I Corinthians 2:14 says, “a natural man does not accept the depths of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually examined.” Earlier in I Corinthians 1:18 Paul wrote, “For the word of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved, it is the power of God,” and John 14:16-17 reads, “I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Advocate, that He may be with you forever; 17 the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him. You know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.” Far too many Christian parents have enabled their child’s godless escapism from the real help they need. So, let’s consider how to turn “think about what you’ve done” into a Christ-honoring, profitable discipleship tool 2. Reflection It really is a good idea for our kids to truly understand the situation before them as God does. This is why I sometimes refer to the Reproof Phase of biblical parenting as the Interpretation Phase. Your child interpreted the situation and their response incorrectly—thereby assuming they were making a good choice. But what they really did was displease the Lord through their disobedience. In order for them to be able to confess their sin, seek forgiveness, and repent, they will first need to see the situation the way God does. True confession is agreeing with God, and we can’t agree with Him if we don’t know what He would think. Now, there are many of us listening to this episode who have never sent our kids to “think about what they’ve done” because we know they’re not going to come to the correct conclusions. Knowing they won’t see their choices the way God does, we understand that they need assistance if they’re going to truly reflect in a Christ-honoring way. So, what do we do? A. We Tell. We simply tell them what they did was wrong. Some of us may even tell them how what they did was wrong and why what they did was wrong. But we’re still just telling, hoping they’ll “think correctly about what they did.” But I was recently reminded of a very helpful graphic that Rand Hummel shared with me a number of years ago. Picture with me, if you will, something that looks like the old school food pyramid. There are 7 layers to this triangle, and these layers represent how much we retain in our learning depending on the method used. Well, the top of the pyramid which represents only 5% is the auditory category. This section of the pyramid is marked “Lecture.” What this means if 100 represents all we tell our kids, they will only retain 5%. The chances that our kids will think correctly from merely hearing truth over and over again . . . is low. Now, yes, God’s Word doesn’t return void, we are definitely supposed to teach and reprove and correct and train our kids, and—yes—most of that will involve talking to them. Deuteronomy 6 and Ephesians 6 command us to teach our children. But I hope we realize that beneficial teaching includes more than merely lecturing. We want them to reflect—to meditate—on the biblical realities of what they did. This requires more than mere hearing. In fact, if you listened to the Parent’s 5 Jobs Series or the Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference, then you know that you can’t really do anything in your kids’ lives beyond teaching and reproving unless they themselves actually start participating in the process. So recognizing that it’s not good enough for our kids to simply hear us talk at them . . . B. We Show. We talked about this a few episodes ago. We must not merely tell, we have to illustrate Christ-honoring lifestyles by how we live. But “showing” is also important in reflection. If we go back to the Learning Pyramid in our minds, underneath “Lecturing,” the next three increasingly larger slices of the pyramid represent the visual learning. Reading makes up 10%, audio-visual media makes up 20% and demonstration makes up 30%. That means that if all the information shared through reading is represented by 100, they will—on average—only retain 10% of what they read, 20% of what they see in infographics and visual aids, and only 30% of what is demonstrated for them. Hopefully, we Christian parents recognize that there is no more important tool in our parenting than the Bible. Lord willing, we’re drawing our children to it through Daily Discipline as well as Reproving Discipline. Lord willing, we’re teaching our kids to desire and pursue God’s Word. Psalm 119 is jam-packed with commands and illustrations of the vital importance God’s Word has for our lives. The sum of God’s Word is truth. The truth sets us free. We need to delight in His commands and seek after His principles so that we don’t sin against Him. God used visual media frequently with His people. He used miracles, He had prophets act out His will and predictions, and even the use of parables and metaphors have a very important visual element to them as it applies to illustrations. Remember, it wasn’t until Isaiah saw the Lord high and lifted up that he truly gasped the depravity of his own soul. And if you total up all of the retention that occurs due to the audio and visual categories, we can hope that they will retain more than 30% of what they took in, but so often that’s not the case—especially because they’re already going into the conversation disagreeing with you. 30% isn’t that fantastic. If we’re going to send them to “think about what they’ve done,” I would hope we all want them to come to more than a 30% accurate understanding of the situation. So, what more can we do? Well, people learn auditorially, visually, and kinesthetically. Kinesthetics refers to what we do, and this category is the lowest and widest slices of the Learning Pyramid. Knowing this . . . C. We Engage. We need to engage their minds. We need to bring them into the process of meditation and reflection with us and the Lord. Of the three remaining categories, if the information being taught is represented by 100, we retain 50% of what was discussed. Discussion refers to us participating in the conversation—not arguing the points and disagreeing with them—but expanding on the ideas, contributing, collaborating, and workshopping them. But that’s still only 50%. 75% of the information is generally retained when the child actually practices what they’re learning. But the best way to retain the information being communicated is to actually teach it. 90% of the information learned through the process of having to teach the material is generally retained. Sending our kids to “think about what they’ve done” is dangerous at worst, but only partially helpful at best. Truly, the best practice is to help our kids biblically think about what they’ve done. And that involves more than just talking to them or showing them. The best thing we can do is to get them participating in the process. Now, in conclusion, let me give you a really basic framework you can try. I know that in a Reproving Discipline scenario, there is often stubbornness and a refusal to submit. Consequences will definitely have to be utilized in order to give our kids a biblically accurate view of the situation. But even though our kids will nearly never engage well with the teaching phase of learning, we can set them up for success for inviting them into all the others. First, teach your children the truth, but don’t spend a ton of time on this if it’s not a new concept. New concepts need more time in order to be understood. Treat this like a touchstone moment where you reach back and review the main truths that have—inevitably—been discussed many times before. Second, ask your children to sit down with the Scriptures. Point them to passages which deal with the what, the how, and the why of what of the situation. Be ready to answer any questions they may have. This stage is also a good place to utilize any videos or object lessons that can further clarify and substantiate their retention. Third, invite them into the discussion. Don’t just tell and show . . . listen. Do what Proverbs 20:5 discusses and draw out the purpose of their hearts by asking questions. I also recommend having them practice what the Scriptures have taught them. If they stole, they need to make restitution, confess, ask for forgiveness, and start the repentance process by learning the joy of serving others and giving to those in need. Liars need to practice truth-telling. Disobedient children need to practice obeying. Unkind kids need to practice what it is to be kind. So, definitely, tell them and show them, but also engage them. And—you know what—this has always been the biblical model. Not only did Jesus do all three of these as He exemplified for us what it is to be a redeemed human, but Deuteronomy 6:7-8 reads, “You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as phylacteries between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” Notice how teaching is there as well as the visual lessons. But did you notice that Moses wrote, “You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall speak of them.” I believe the “speaking” referred to here isn’t simply more teaching. It’s not merely lecturing. It’s conversation. It’s discussion. It’s engaging, and it’s engaging all of the time, when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. Now, in all fairness, the original Hebrew word can refer to simply telling someone something, even if they refuse to listen. But there are also times it’s used to describe a conversation. I’m no Hebrew scholar, and this is not gospel-truth simply because I think it, but it appears to me that the coupling of teaching and speaking is intentional in order to draw a distinction. The Hebrews word translated “teach” in this passage is only used once in the whole Bible . . . right here. And it’s related to a word that refers to repeating something. The Lord could easily have said, “You shall teach them diligently to your sons when you sit in your house and when . . . .” But He didn’t. He tells us to teach and to speak. In Daniel 1, King Nebuchadnezzar is talking to Daniel, Hannaniah, Mishael, and Azariah. After taking with them, the king recognizes that out of all of the Hebrew children, no one was like these 4. The king wasn’t merely talking at them or to them; in order to deduce what he did, the king needed to be listening as well. That means he had to be talking with them. And even if Deuteronomy 6 isn’t the passage to expressly teach it, I believe the whole of Scripture and human history teaches us that this engaging portion is expressly important if we want our children to truly retain what they are learning. Conclusion
Of course, sending your child to her room to “think about what she did” is a lot easier. It takes less time, you’re happy she’s away from you, and she’s happy to escape from you, and when you feel like letting her out of her room, you can move on with your life confident in the fact that she really did think about what she did and will be changed for it.
Or you can recognize the calling God has on your life to be a parent who rears your children in the discipling and instruction of the Lord. You can understand that foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child and that they clearly aren’t thinking correctly about this situation given the choices they just made. That means that they need you to tell them what God’s Word says about Himself, His Word, and themselves. Then you need to show them from the Scriptures and life’s illustrations. And then you need to engage them by inviting them to interact with the truth they’re learning and determine how God would have them think about what they just did and need to do next time. And the whole time you’re walking with them speaking truth in love. Yeah, it’s harder. But telling, showing, and engaging is the tool we all need to use more often in our parenting. And it’s probably a tool your pastor, friends, and family members need to use more often as well. So, share this episode with them so they can learn how to help their children reflect on truth and not just escape from it. And if you would like some more detailed, personalized assistance in this area, please email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894. We would love to serve you and your family. And join us next week as we pick apart a very important biblical metaphor for children and determine if we’ve been applying it correctly in our own families. I’ll see you then.
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