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TranscriptIntroduction
Welcome back to the show. This season we’re exploring many different parenting topics in each episode, but we will expand on this particular topic a little more next time before moving on to the question “Where Do You Aim the Arrow?” You know the metaphor of children being like arrows, right? Well, a lot of bad conclusions have been drawn because of that really good metaphor, and we’re going to dissect them biblically.
But before we get there, the topic on the table is discipline versus punishment. Is there a difference, what are the differences, and what does it matter for our parenting? And though we’re going to look at the topic more broadly today, next week we’re going to get more specific as we consider how to apply the Gospel to this necessary parenting responsibility. As always, today’s show comes with free episode notes, a transcript, and related resources to help you continue your growth in these areas. So, let’s dive right in. Topic
When my wife was pregnant with both of our children, when they would move around in the womb, kick her, and pull her into their shenanigans, I would jokingly take my first finger, find one of their limbs pressing on her stomach and gently tap it . . . all the while making a very ridiculous face and saying, “This is your punishment for being a terrible burden on your poor mother.” And we would frequently joke that punishment needs to happen early and often—every day and twice on Sundays whether they need it or not.
And—of course—that was our being ridiculous and silly . . . you know, like most couples do when they’re alone. Right? That’s normal, right? Anyway, I’m not going to stand here and claim that those silly moments are what negatively influenced our parenting, but we have often argued on this show that words matter. Ideas are desperately important. The people who are in the most spiritual danger today are the one who mostly believe the gospel, but who don’t fully trust the Lord and who will be told by Him that He never knew them. So, yes, words are powerful, ideas are immense, philosophies will either heal or hurt, and vocabulary defines how we live. Now, if those claims seem extreme to you, I have a number of resources for you in the description of this episode that open the Scriptures to help us better understand these truths. There are a bunch of resources about communication, failure philosophies, and the absolute necessity of rightly understanding what we believe. So, today is all about submitting our vocabulary and ideological understanding to God’s expectations for them. Now, the resources I just mentioned are about the importance of our communication, but the key resource I want to encourage you to peruse today is our series on Consequences. That series goes into significant detail concerning what consequences are, how God created them to work, how we should give them in our parenting, as well as how we can change our consequences culture if we find that it’s been more informed by humanistic thought that the Word. But before we get any further, I would like to thank you for supporting this ministry by subscribing, consuming, and sharing our content. But as awesome as all of that is for you and the people with whom you share it, we’ve found that companies don’t take subscriber counts, likes, and shares as legal tender. So, because of that, as a 501(c)(3) nonprofit, we desperately need your financial assistance to continue producing this biblical parenting content, offering affordable biblical counseling to those in need, and providing for my family as this is my full-time job. Will you please prayerfully consider how you might support this ministry through a one-time or monthly giving. The vast, vast majority of our support is from friends of the show. Whether it’s $5 a month of $500 we put it to gospel use as we equip dads and moms all over the world to better worship God in their parenting. We also have a Counselee Scholarship Fund that helps low income families get the biblical counseling they need. Please visit TruthLoveParent.com/donate or click on the link in the description to learn more and start giving. Okay, so what is the difference between discipline and punishment? 1. The Definition of Punishment If you look up the English word “punish” in a reputable dictionary, you will find definitions very much like the one I found in Merriam-Webster: “To impose a penalty on for a fault, offense, or violation, to inflict a penalty for the commission of an offense in retribution or retaliation, to deal with roughly or harshly, to inflict injury on.” That is a perfect understanding of the English word “punish.” But you might say, “Yeah, but that’s not how I use it.” Listen, I get it. My family has completely made up words that we use on a weekly basis, because—you know—that’s a normal thing families do . . . right? Anyway, just because we use a word in a way it was never intended to be used, doesn’t make it right or okay. The world does that all of the time with words that we hold very dear—words like “love,” “God,” and “good.” But their redefinitions bother us—and they should—when those definitions are incorrect. And so we too need to be careful that we’re using words carefully as we seek to use it biblically. The English word “punish” shows up 4 times in the NASB translation of the New Testament. Three of those times it’s being used in a legal sense—as in an authority who has the judicial right to give punishment. The last time it’s used, it’s referring to unique apostolic authority to punish disobedience. However, colloquially, nearly every English-speaking home in American uses that word to describe an activity that shouldn’t be understood in the same way. When your child does wrong, is it your intention to inflict injury on them? When your child lies, do you intend to deal roughly or harshly with them? When they disobey, is your response that of retribution or retaliation? What about this? When your child throws their food on the floor, is what comes next the result of your wanting to impose a penalty on a fault, offense, or violation? Hopefully, the answer to all of those questions is, “No.” Parental correction is never—I repeat, never—anywhere in Scripture defined or illustrated as being penal in nature. And every discussion in the Bible concerning punishment has no bearing on the home. God gives governments the right to exact penal consequences. God Himself is actually the prefect example of a righteous punishment giver. He condemns people to hell as the holy response to their offense against His character. But parents—unless they are acting in a governmental faculty as they preside over the crimes of their own children—should not approach discipline in the same way. Here’s the point, by utilizing the wrong word, by attaching the wrong ideas to biblical concepts, I believe most Christian families have completely skewed God’s intention for family discipline. And I believe it’s been skewed in a huge, life-altering way. At its most basic level, punishment is a transaction. It has very clearly defined participants and purposes that are unique to it. The participants are the criminal and the judge. The criminal has broken the law, and the judge is tasked with upholding the law by—in part—punishing evil doers. I Peter 2:14 reads, “Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority, 14 or to governors as sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and the praise of those who do right.” The purpose of the punishment is two-fold. On one hand, it’s designed to serve as a deterrent to would-be criminals. On the other hand, after a crime has been committed, the punishment is an eye-for-an-eye transaction. You stole something. You must pay it back with interest. You perpetrated some crime. You must serve your time. You killed someone. You must forfeit your life. Within the relationship between crime and punishment there is no purpose beyond giving people what they deserve. Punishment is not interested in rehabilitation. In fact, punishment doesn’t really care if the perpetrator “learns a lesson.” Sure, it would be nice if they learned their lesson so that we would have less crime and have to give fewer punishments, but that’s not the purpose of punishment. Punishment is handed down from a judge to a criminal as a judicial transaction. You owe the system, and here’s how you’re going to pay that debt. That’s why there is no room in a just courtroom for grace, mercy, or forgiveness. There are only crime and punishments—debits and credits. That, my friends is what punishment is. To act like there are any other meanings or understandings of the word is to water it down—deliberately or unintentionally. And we get into a lot of trouble when we confuse the ideas. When the correct understanding of judicial punishment is the understanding of familial punishment, there’s a problem. And—vice versa—when the judicial system starts trying to be the criminals dad and mom . . . there’s an even bigger problem. But—for our discussion today—the real issue is not that we’re propounding a false understanding of punishment. The real issue is that we believe punishment—as it’s properly defined—is exactly what God expects from parents with their children. But you wont find that concept anywhere in the Bible. “Yes, but Aaron, what about sparing the rod and spoiling the child?” Well, my simple answer to that is spanking is a very important biblical tool that we ignore to our family’s detriment, but I also have to add that the passage you cited is not a passage about punishment. I’ll explain more soon enough, but first we need to see what actually happens when parents punish their kids. If I, the father, believe it’s my God-given responsibility to truly punish my children, at least four very bad things are going happen. First, I’m going to misunderstand God and His expectation for me. Second, I’m going to pervert the discipline God wants me to give. Third, I’m going to lead my children astray by giving them the wrong idea about God and authority. Fourth, I’m going to tempt my kids to reject me. God is the final judge of mankind. That’s His responsibility, and He has never given that job to me. As the Ultimate Authority and Creator of the Universe, it is His right to punish sin. But—as we’ve often observed—we are not that authority. We are an authority. We do have Inherent Authority, and we also have Inherited Authority, but—as parents—neither of those roles give us permission to punish. God gives us our parental roles, and—as the Ultimate Authority—He’s the one who gets to decide how we function within our authority. By the way, you should dive into our Authority Series if you want to better understand the biblical truths underlying the concepts of Inherent and Inherited Authority. So, if I believe God wants me to merely make my child pay for their sin, I’m neither correctly understanding who God is nor what His expectations for me are. And if I misunderstand who I and Who God are, my discipline is going to be perverted. I will likely do all the wrong things in the wrong ways for the wrong reasons and in the wrong power. Sure, there’s a slight chance I might do the right thing, and I may even do it the right way, but if I’m doing it for the wrong reason and in the wrong power, it’s still detrimental for me and my kids. Not only does my child receive a punishment that I should likely not be giving them for reasons I shouldn’t be giving it to them, but I’m lying to my children about the nature of parental discipline, God, and my role as an authority. And as I do that, I tempt my child to do the same thing to me that I just did to them. If I wrongfully believe that I’m allowed to make my kids pay for what they did, how can I hope to think my kids won’t try to make me pay for what I did to them? At that point I can’t legitimately think my sinful flexing of authority that isn’t mine is any better than their sinful flexing of authority that isn’t theirs—especially when it was I who taught them to wrongfully use the me-against-you punishments in the first place. Punishment is nothing more nor less than a mere penal accounting with no expectation or process for change. It demands pain to pay for pain. It requires discomfort from them to cover the cost of the discomfort they caused someone else. That’s it. And though punishment is a very real thing that can and should be done to God’s glory by the right people, it’s not the parent’s job—and we’ll see this from Scripture in a minute. But allow me to take this idea one step further. Punishment meted out by an appropriate authority is Christ-honoring. Punishment meted out by someone who doesn’t have that authority is sin. Remember, punishment is a penal repayment. By your actions, you purchased a penalty. The wages of sin is death—you earn punishment by breaking the law. Hebrews chapter 10 illustrates appropriate punishment beautifully. Verses 26-31 read, “For if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, 27 but a terrifying expectation of judgment and THE FURY OF A FIRE WHICH WILL CONSUME THE ADVERSARIES. 28 Anyone who has set aside the Law of Moses dies without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29 How much severer punishment do you think he will deserve who has trampled under foot the Son of God, and has regarded as unclean the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30 For we know Him who said, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY.” And again, “THE LORD WILL JUDGE HIS PEOPLE.” 31 It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God.” The “Vengeance is mine” is a quote from Deuteronomy 32:35, but in Romans 12:19-21, Paul quotes the same passage with a very different goal in mind. He says, “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,’ says the Lord. 20 ‘BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.’ 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” When we exercise inappropriate judgment, we’re taking God’s job and engaging in sinful vengeance. Now, it’s at this point in the mind of a believing parent—as they learn these truths and start to realize that they have been going about their family discipline the wrong way—that said parent is tempted to respond the wrong way. A. Some parents execute a pendulum swing in the opposite direction and stop giving any negative consequences all-together. However, this is just as unbiblical. Even though parents like this often strive to pair this approach with the very biblical idea of giving positive reinforcement, they’re still not obeying very clear commands in the Bible for Christ-honoring discipline. But then . . . B. Other parents will superficially start itemizing different forms of discipline into arbitrary categories. They will decide that spanking can only ever be punishment, but that something like grounding falls under the godly-discipline category. Again, this is completely missing the point and causes just as much harm as punishing the kids did. So, since the only way to glorify God in any area in our lives is to know the depth and breadth of His Word, understand it, and live it . . . we must apply diligence to accurately understanding discipline within the context of parenting. 2. The Definition of Discipline Now, here’s where modern secular definitions only make matters worse. Merriam-Webster has 6 different definitions for the noun discipline. It includes “control gained by enforcing obedience or order,” the second definition is simply the word “punishment” even though the definition of punishment nowhere includes the word “discipline.” The third definition of discipline is “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character,” and the 6th definition which they claim is “obsolete” is simply “instruction.” And then the verb form of the word has the following definitions: “to punish or penalize for the sake of enforcing obedience and perfecting moral character” and the very different “to train or develop by instruction and exercise especially in self-control." So, we see how easily our language has morphed over the years to include very different definitions of the same word. This is part of the reason it’s rare to have a real conversation; we’re all functioning with different dictionaries. Anyway, I think the closest definitions to the biblical understanding of parental discipline is “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character” and “to train or develop by instruction and exercise especially in self-control.” Consider another passage in Hebrews—Hebrews 12. We don’t have the time to work through the entire passage, but pay close attention to the motivation for the discipline described in verses 4 through 11: “You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin. 5 And you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, ‘My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, Nor faint when you are reproved by Him; 6 For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He flogs every son whom He receives.’ 7 It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them. Shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our benefit, so that we may share His holiness. 11 And all discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful, but to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” Then the passage continues by instructing the Hebrews to pursue righteousness, spiritual maturity, and that which is holy. Discipline is motivated by love. Discipline is motivated by maturity and growth and change. Discipline may be uncomfortable, but it’s not merely hurting the child because the child hurt their sibling—an eye for an eye. No, it’s designed to result in the change of the child. The word discipline in this passage definitely has that more negative connotation of pain as the result of sin so as to move the individual toward Christlikeness. But in general, discipline also applies to the personal training in which a person participates when they need to prepare for an athletic event. We can talk about a person being disciplined in their music practice. You can be disciplined in your job, hobbies, boy scouts, and school. This kind of discipline involves doing what’s necessary to develop valuable skills. This version of discipline is seen in I Corinthians 9:24-27,”Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. 25 Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. 26 So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. 27 But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.” The Greek word translated “discipline” in this passage is a different word that refers to subduing something. It can even refer to beating something into submission! Now, I don’t want to suggest that biblical parental discipline requires subduing or subjugating someone. This is not the Greek word used to describe parental discipline in the Bible, this simply helps us understand that discipline has nothing to do with penal punishment, it has to do with preparing someone for something. So, let’s break it down. Discipline teaches. Whereas punishment is the application of pain for pain’s sake, non-penal discipline—though it may be painful or comfortable—has the higher purpose of imparting information and resulting in Christ-honoring change. However, we are going to focus on the discipline that comes in response to the child having made sinful choices. So . . . you know . . . the more uncomfortable discipline. And—to do that—we’ll bring in the related concept of consequences. Consequences were divinely created for redemptive purposes. For example, God created the action of accidentally touching a hot surface to produce the reaction of getting burned because He wanted the painful consequence to teach us an important lesson about touching hot surfaces. What’s funny is that often—in our punishment-focused thinking—we adulterate God’s intention. If our kids touch something we’ve warned them not to touch, and they get burned, we handle that consequence as if it were an appropriate punishment the child received for breaking the law! But that’s not what it is at all! We have such a messed up, prosperity-gospel approach to life that we can only ever interpret what we view as being beneficial as God’s stamp of approval on our lives, and everything uncomfortable as God’s condemnation on our lives. But when consequences are stripped of their intended design—to discipline us by teaching us about life—we get into a lot of trouble. On one hand, when we don’t learn from consequences, we’re doomed to repeat them. History is the living record of that reality, and as a biblical counselor, I see this happen all the time. People convince themselves that the consequences that other people have experienced—and even the consequences they have experienced over and over—were a fluke that either shouldn’t have happened in the first place or won’t happen to them at all. And regardless of how many times the same consequences come into their lives, they’re absolutely certain that one day that will be able to have their cake and eat it too. Of course, Einstein rightfully identified that kind of thinking as insanity. On the other hand, when we interpret discipline within a punishment framework, we distract from the teaching the consequence was intended to provide. Now, recognizing how non-penal discipline is different from penal-consequences, the Bible’s teaching concerning the role of the parent becomes abundantly clear. We are commanded by God to teach our kids, reprove our kids, correct our kids, and train our kids. We’re called to rear our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. We’re called to speak the truth of God in the love of God and teach our kids how to know, understand, and wisely live that truth in their lives. That is our calling. And, yes, that calling absolutely requires consequences—both comfortable and painful. But we absolutely must understand and submit to the purpose of the consequences otherwise we’re going to slip into punishment-mode and work contrary to God’s will. When our kids sin, there will be consequences that occur whether or not we do anything about it and whether or not the children even recognize that the consequences took place. Therefore, it’s our responsibility to lovingly teach our children about the reality of those consequences through biblical discipline . . . not mindless and superficial punishment . . . because the whole goal is maturity—learning that leads to understanding that leads to wise living. Conclusion
Now, I think the Consequences Series would be the best place for you to check out next, but I give you full permission to skip the first episode of that series because we basically covered much of the same material here today.
But as we finish up today I want to acknowledge that many of you may think I’m making a big deal out of nothing more than semantics, but I want to end by showing you how that’s not the case. Words have denotative meaning and connotative meaning. When I say, “Look over there at that elderly gentleman walking across the street,” you have a very different picture in your mind than when I say, “Look over there at that old guy limping across the street.” And each of us probably saw something different in our minds with each statement. And the same thing is happening with you and your family. The word punishment is used in movies, courtrooms, textbooks, over the dinner table, in music and books, and by your friends and extended family. I guarantee you that nearly none of those people were thinking of the word punishment the way we have described discipline. That means that the context of the usage, the illustrations of punishment, and even the very precise descriptions have molded your denotative and connotative understanding of punishment. You can’t help that. That’s how language works. So, when we refer to what we do to our kids as punishment, we’re inviting all of those previous instances to fill and inform their understanding of what you’re doing. And it becomes even worse when you actually are punishing your kids. So, the application of this episode is four-fold. 1. Define punishment and discipline the way God does. 2. Recognize that you were called to discipline your kids, not punish them. 3. Teach your kids the biblical understanding of those words. 4. Invite them to participate in their discipline by recognizing how they need to grow and mature in order to glorify God. As always, if you need assistance in practically doing these steps in your family, please email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894. And don’t forget to share this episode so your friends, family, and church community can learn how to discipline their kids to the glory of God. And then check out our Consequences Series and visit TruthLoveParent.com/donate to support this ministry as we seek to glorify God by equipping you to better worship Him with your parenting. On our next episode we’re going to continue along the vein of discipline when we look at the relationship between Discipline & the Gospel. I’ll see you then.
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