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Episode Notes
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TranscriptIntroduction
This season we’re devoting individual episodes to tackle a variety of parenting questions and conundrums. Today’s topic is one such conundrum, and I pray it will teach and admonish you today.
My name is Aaron Brewster. I am a husband and father, and I’m also the president of Evermind Ministries, a biblical counselor, author, and speaker. This podcast was created in 2016 in order to help dads and moms becomes the intentional, premeditated, disciple-making, Ambassador parents God called and created them to be. Each episode seeks to glorify God by equipping parents to better worship Him with their parenting. That’s why we podcast with our Bible’s open as well as include free episode notes, a transcript, and links to related resources so that you can deepen your study of the topics we discuss. And today’s topic is answering the question “Why Didn’t Your Child Do What You Asked?” So, let’s dive in. Topic
I think it’s safe to say that—for most of us—there’s a clear answer when our children have failed to obey us.
We gave them an expectation, and they didn’t do it for some fault of their own. They either refused to do it, or they got distracted and foolishly forgot to do it. Either way, their failure to do what they were told quickly, sweetly, and completely was rooted in their own choices. However, allow me to ask you this question: Is that the only reason you disobey? What I mean is, you and I sin against God multiple times every single day. Are all of those sins a direct result of high-handed rebellion? Sure, some of them likely are, but are all of them? What about when it comes to fulfilling the tasks your employers give you? Is there ever another reason you failed to deliver? It’s a common human response to extend others far less grace than we extend ourselves. It’s very easy for us to list all of the reasons we failed to meet an expectation, but when other’s fail, we’re certain the situation was far more cut and dry. Now, I want to say from the beginning that—especially if you’re new to the show—this is not a podcast where we take modern humanistic philosophies and try to cram them into our parenting. I am not going to argue that your innocent little angels only ever fail to obey because you the parents are somehow to blame for not understanding the complex emotional dynamics of the situation. I’m also not going to suggest that children don’t have an responsibility. In fact, my first point today will be to address the fact that—quite often, if not most of the time—your kids don’t obey simply because they don’t want to. But a wise, Biblical Parent, is going to investigate every parenting situation to determine the most Christ-honoring way forward lest they parent a problem that doesn’t exist and further ignore the real root of the issue. But before we dive into the 3 biblical reasons your kids don’t do what they’re told, I’d like to remind you that—as a speaker—I’d be honored to participate in your event. So far this year, I’ve spoken at a family conference in Indiana, two homeschool conventions (one in South Carolina and one in North Carolina). I’m going to be preaching at a family conference in New Jersey, another in New York, and another in Louisiana right before I speak at the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors annual conference. And I would love to speak with you about how I might serve you and your group. Whether it’s a conference, workshop, camp, or retreat, and regardless of the topic, I’d be interested in working with you to unpack the biblical truth your church, school, small group, homeschool group, or ministry needs. You can learn more about inviting me to participate in your event at AMBrewster.com or in the AMBrewster section of the Evermind App. Thank you for giving it some prayerful thought. And now let’s pull back the veil on why your kids don’t obey as they should. 1. They Won’t. This is the category that comes up most of the time. Too often we and are kids are like Jonah in chapter 1, verses 1-3. “Now the word of Yahweh came to Jonah the son of Amittai saying, 2 ‘Arise, go to Nineveh, the great city, and call out against it, for their evil has come up before Me.’ 3 Yet Jonah arose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of Yahweh. So he went down to Joppa, found a ship which was going to Tarshish, and paid its fare and went down into it to go with them to Tarshish from the presence of Yahweh.” He inherited this rebellious streak from our common ancestors, Adam and Eve who chose to eat of the fruit they were clearly told to avoid. We recently did a series about your children’s responses to sin. The first episode of that series worked through the nature of sin, and I included a ton of other resources to help us better understand why we and our kids sin. Simply put, sin is a violation of God’s law. Whether it’s commission or omission, purposeful or mindless, we sin when we disobey God. And our sin nature—the sin-tainted core of our being—simply doesn’t want to obey. In fact, we’re really delusional on this point. In Psalm 2 we read, “Why do the nations rage And the peoples meditate on a vain thing? 2 The kings of the earth take their stand And the rulers take counsel together Against Yahweh and against His Anointed, saying, 3 ‘Let us tear their fetters apart And cast away their cords from us!’ 4 He who sits in the heavens laughs, The Lord mocks them. 5 Then He speaks to them in His anger And terrifies them in His fury, saying, 6 ‘But as for Me, I have installed My King Upon Zion, My holy mountain.’” We’re vain, empty, and senseless in our desire to rebel against authority. By the way, we have another series called “The Biggest Parenting Challenges You Will Ever Face," and children’s response to authority is number 4 on the list. So, yes, your kids frequently will disobey simply because they want to. In our Merest Christianity Series we pursue the deeper answer to the question of why your kids do what they do. That would be a great follow up to this episode because it will dig much deeper into how you help your children when they disobey—especially when they disobey for this first reason. It’s just like when Saul spared Agag in I Samuel 15:1-9. He didn’t want to obey God, and he used lame excuses and blame-shifting to camouflage the fact that he thought he had a better plan. The Merest Christianity Series will help you better understand the biblical realities of our sin problem and how to help your kids grow and produce fruit that pleases the Lord. Simply navigate to the description of this episode on your podcast app or at TruthLoveParent.com to easily access that resource. But we’re not really here to talk about this particular point. In all fairness, we have sooooo many episodes that deal with how to parent our rebellious children in a Christ-honoring way. The purpose of today’s show is to help us parents recognize that there are two other reasons our kids may have failed to do what we asked, and then recognize how our response to those situations needs to be different. So, the first reason they fail to do what they were told is a refusal. “I won’t.” But sometimes, it’s not that they won’t, it’s that . . . 2. They Shan’t. Now, I recognize that “shan’t” isn’t a word you’ve probably heard outside of Shakespeare in the park or certain passages from the King James. But it’s a very helpful word in this discussion. Shan’t is a contraction of the phrase “shall not.” Now, when we hear that, we probably recognize that it’s nearly identical to “will not,” which is the topic we just covered. But “shall not” has another flavor to it. Whereas “will not” is a refusal, “shall not” does express that it won’t happen, but that it’s not necessarily under their control. In a legal sense, it signifies that something is not permitted or is required to be avoided. So, how are we to understand that our child didn’t do what they were asked because they shan’t do it? Sometimes we tell our kids to do something that they—honestly—don’t know how to do. They shall not be successful—not because of rebellion, and not genuinely because of inability, but because of immaturity. Here’s a really good biblical example of this. In Mark 9 we encounter a scene where the disciples failed to cast a demon out of a young boy. However, when Jesus shows up, He casts the demon out of the boy, and in verses 28-29 we read, “And when He came into the house, His disciples began questioning Him privately, ‘Why could we not cast it out?’ 29 And He said to them, ‘This kind cannot come out by anything but prayer.’” Were the disciples capable of casting out the demon had they known how to cast it out? Yes. But the issue was that they were A. too ignorant and B. too immature. They weren’t experienced or imaginative enough to try to figure out the answer to the issue. The same could be said of Peter when he wanted to walk on the water in Matthew 14. Though we could easily argue complete inability on Peter’s side to walk on water, we also recognize that he did in fact accomplish it. But he didn’t have the answers in himself, and Jesus had to instruct (and empower) him. And quite often our kids are in the same boat (metaphorically speaking). I know how easy it is for me to make assumptions because of my years of experience. But it was my foolish forgetfulness that lead to our lawn mower nearly becoming an expensive paperweight because I neglected to instruct my daughter how and how often to check the oil. In my mind, mowing the lawn obviously required clearing toys and sticks from the yard, going over every inch of the grass, and filling the gas and oil when necessary. But I neglected to teach her about that last part, and it wasn’t until the lawn mower started making very disturbing sounds that she came and got me. Now, honestly, her not knowing how to deal with the oil was overshadowed by her being wise enough to not ignore strange behavior in the lawnmower. And her coming to me when it happened spoke even more to her wisdom. But had the engine seized, it wouldn’t have been her fault, because she didn’t even know what had to be done. And I’m not the only parent to do this. We assume too much. We also like to excuse our lack of thorough explanation with, “Well, I already told them that months ago.” They’re children. They’re foolish. They’re forgetful. Who was more to blame, the ignorant, immature child who lacked common sense, or the supposedly mature parent who probably should have revisited proper instruction for how to accomplish the task? Yes, it’s a subjective line. How many times must we repeat the same instructions before we expect them to remember it on their own? I can’t answer that for you because I believe wise Biblical Parenting leans into the subjectivity of parenting different children at different ages. Your kids aren’t mine, but there is an answer, and it’s your responsibility to identify it. Regardless, though, wherever that line is, they can’t be on the right side all of the time. There will be times that you told them things that it makes sense they forgot. I would also be the first to say, “If you’ve repeatedly explained and shown them how to do it, they need to bear the responsibility of their failure.” But we need to be humble enough to recognize when we weren’t as thorough in our teaching as we like to think we were. The great military tactician Sun Tzu balanced these extremes well. He said, “If words of command are not clear and distinct, if orders are not thoroughly understood, then the general is to blame.” In such cases, he took it upon himself to reteach the instruction to make sure the command was clear and distinct and that the orders were thoroughly understood. May we too be quick to deal with the log in our own eyes first. However, Sun Tzu then followed up further disobedience with, “If words of command are not clear and distinct, if orders are not thoroughly understood, the general is to blame. But if his orders are clear, and the soldiers nevertheless disobey, then it is [their fault].” Now, I changed the quote ever so slightly to make it applicable to today’s discussion, but if you want to read the anecdote where Sun Tzu teaches these lessons, you can go the link I’ve provided you in the description. The point is, be humble enough to at least consider the possibility that your child didn’t have all of the information and was simply too inexperienced or unimaginative to come up with the solution in the absence of clear instruction. Now, does this mean there should be no consequences? Here again I cannot begin to speak dogmatically on that point. Yes, some children are unimaginative even though they have been taught how to solve problems like the one they faced. Their disobedience may have been rooted in a lack of desire to exercise their problem solving skills to figure out how to best obey the command they were given. And there will be other times—like with my daughter—where there was no fault on her side. And this leads us to the third reason our children don’t do what they’re told. Often they won’t, occasionally they shan’t, and sometimes . . . 3. They Can’t. Now, as much as we might like to assume that this category is identical to the previous, it’s not. In the previous category, the children might have been able to figure it out on their own. My daughter could have turned off the lawn mower and inspected all of the switches and ports until she found the oil. She could have pulled out the dipstick and concluded that it was empty. She could have pulled out the owner’s manual in order to find the answer. But she was too inexperienced to do any of that, and—honestly—her choice was even better. She got her dad. Einstein is attributed with saying “Intelligence is not the ability to store information, but to know where to find it.” My daughter knew where to find the information she needed. She used her imagination to lead her directly to the necessary answer. Conversely, this category covers the things we ask our kids to do that they legitimately are completely incapable of doing. It’s not just that they don’t know how, it’s that even if they knew how, they still couldn’t. One biblical example is the Children of Israel when the Egyptians told them they had to continue meeting their quota of bricks, but that they would have to collect the straw for themselves. Exodus 5:12-16 reads, “So the people scattered through all the land of Egypt to gather stubble for straw. 13 And the taskmasters were pressing them, saying, ‘Complete your work quota, the daily amount, just as when there was straw.’ 14 Moreover, the foremen of the sons of Israel, whom Pharaoh’s taskmasters had set over them, were beaten and were asked, ‘Why have you not completed your required amount either yesterday or today in making brick as previously?’15 Then the foremen of the sons of Israel came and cried out to Pharaoh, saying, ‘Why do you deal this way with your slaves? 16 There is no straw given to your slaves, yet they keep saying to us, ‘Make bricks!’ And behold, your slaves are being beaten; but it is the sin of your own people.’” It was physically impossible for the children of Israel to continue making the same amount of bricks they made before if half of the brick makers were now out finding straw. It wasn’t a situation where they didn’t know how to get the job done. It wasn’t that they were immature because they were too inexperienced or unimaginative. It was an impossibility. Let’s face it, there will be times where we put too heavy an expectation on our kids—like Saul ordering his soldiers to abstain from food so they could pursue the enemy with undistracted vigor. That command was foolish, destructive, and bound for failure. And we do that too. “But how?” you ask. Well, I believe we do this with the most important expectations of all. Sure, there probably have been times you inadvertently asked your child to do something they legitimately couldn’t because you were unaware of the situation. Perhaps you put the cereal on the table and told your five year old to go pour her breakfast. But you didn’t know that your spouse was trying to be helpful and put the box back in the top cupboard. Now, your child has no idea where the cereal is, couldn’t access it if they wanted to, and are incapable of following your commands. And, yes, there are parents who are so foolish and deluded that they knowingly expect their kids to do things they cannot do—absentee parents who expect their older children to raise the younger ones for them. The older siblings can do that to a degree, but they’re incapable of providing what the younger ones really need. But—my friends—too often we’re no better. Now, I don’t believe we do it on purpose. I believe we’re nobly ignorant most of the time, but that doesn’t change the fact that we want our kids to do things they legitimately are completely incapable of accomplishing. Here are the two most common examples I see all the time: A. Expecting Christ-honoring choices from unbelieving children. This can include things like expecting your unregenerated son or daughter to be salt and light at school. Now—I get it—you honestly think your child is born again. And—if they were—they absolutely can be salt and light at school. But since they’re not saved, there is absolutely no light or salt. It’s impossible, and yet your expectation is still there. I can’t tell you how many men and women I’ve spoken with who recognize their spouse isn’t born again, and yet they so often are begging their spouse—not to necessarily follow Christ—but to be the spouse God wants them to be. My friends, I say this with all the love I can muster . . . they can’t be that spouse! It’s impossible. They first need to know and submit to God, and then they can be the Christ-honoring spouse and parent God called and created them to be. There are too many parents under the sound of my voice who are ignorant of their child’s spiritual state, but they simply assume the best (often despite the evidence) and expect their kids to live like disciples of Christ when they’re not. So, what do you do? Well, I’ll answer that after I mention the second most common example I see of expecting things from our kids that they can’t do. B. Expecting spiritually mature choices from spiritually immature children. My parents will quickly share with you that one of their biggest parenting regrets was believing that I was spiritually mature enough to positively influence my “friends” and stand strong against their negative influences. And my parents were wrong. I was too immature. I was too foolish. I was too much a double-minded man unstable in all of my ways. Of course, this category is very similar to the first, and yet distinct. And I think these categories are similar to what we see in Numbers 22-24. A man named Balaam was hired to curse the nation of Israel, but every time he opened his mouth, the only words that came out were blessings. How did this happen? Well, the Lord was supernaturally hindering him from cursing the Jews. And—in a very real sense—your children (whether they be spiritually dead or immature) are supernaturally incapable of being anything more than they are. Now, of course, God saves people. And, yes, your spiritually immature children need to be in the process of maturing. And, yes, we need to have High Biblical Expectations for our kids if we’re to be Ambassador Parents. But the difference is how the two are practically pursued. I expect my kids to be holy as God is holy, but I also recognize their inability and parent them accordingly, preparing them by teaching and reproving, lifting their arms, lifting them when the fall, etc. I’m postured to do this because I know they cannot do it in their own strength. But the approach we’re talking about today blindly assumes too much of the kids, and isn’t even trying to recognize their inability and where they need help. The assumption is that everything will be okay. There are loving parents with high goals for their kids, but who are functionally, spiritually absent. They assume their kids are saved and growing, but they’re not paying enough attention to realize that’s not the case. Or, they’re ignorant of the fruit of repentance that comes with mature spiritual life. So, when our kids won’t obey, we need to address their iniquity. When our kids shan’t obey, we need to recognize where we didn’t prepare them as well as we could and address their inadequacy. When our kids can’t obey, we need to either comes to grips with the fact that we’re expecting the impossible, or—more likely—we need to address their inability. We need to know our kids. We need to draw out their hearts. We need to know the Scriptures and our kids so well we can see their blindspots, strongholds, sin habits, wrong beliefs, and delusions. We shouldn’t take anything for granted. Yes, we need to have high expectations, but we need to be there to help our kids achieve them in the power of God and for His glory . . . not as a foolish parent who expects the room to be clean but never inspects that it was done. Conclusion
So, why did your kids disobey? Was it that they can’t, shan’t, or won’t? How you parent them in their failure (and potentially your own failure) will depend on your being able to diagnose the cause of the failure.
If they can’t, parent their inability by acknowledging your own inappropriate expectations, and then lead them to trust in and be conformed to the image of the One who created them and wants to be their King. This is Evangelism Parenting and Discipleship Parenting 101. If they shan’t, parent their inadequacy by filling in the necessary holes. Teach them, discipline, and train them. If they won’t, parent the iniquity. Confront their sin with reproof and call them to repentance. Please share this episode with your friends, family, and church, and if you need personalized assistance to recognize if your child can’t, shan’t, or won’t, please email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894. Our biblical counselors would love to come alongside you. And then be sure to subscribe to this podcast, download the Evermind App, and join us next time as we tackle the controversial topic that is Your Children & Children’s Church. See you next week.
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