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TranscriptIntroduction
Welcome to Season 32, I’m your host, AMBrewster. I’m a biblical family counselor and the president of Evermind Ministries where we seek to keep God’s Word at the center of the human experience.
This season we’re exploring a bunch of different parenting topics, and what better place to start than at the very heart of parenting itself? If you’re new to the show, I want you to know that you can find free episode notes, a transcript, and links to related resources in the description of this episode. We create these tools to help you learn the material and share it with others. We’ve heard of Sunday School teachers using some of our notes as their curriculum, a school teacher modified the notes for her students in Bible class, and parents all over the world have used the notes to teach important concepts to their kids. And the related resources include other podcast episodes as well as resources on the Evermind App that will help you broaden your understanding, deepen your convictions, and widen your ability to apply the information. And today’s topic is definitely one in which we need to mature since this topic is at the very core of your identity. Topic
I don’t know if you follow the news or engage in politics, but—if you were—you would realize that our nation is absolutely obsessed with identity. In fact, according to the world wide web, Identity Politics is a political approach that centers on the shared experiences and concerns of groups based on factors like race, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation, with the goal of achieving greater social and political power for those groups. It emphasizes how an individual's identity shapes their political views and experiences, particularly in relation to marginalization and power structures.
Now, there’s a certain refreshing quality about this because people are finally realizing that what they believe needs to impact their politics. For too long, we’ve been lied to that the government can be this amoral agency that functions outside of the influence of individual belief systems and worldviews. But today’s show is not about politics, it’s about our identities. And it’s our understanding of our identity that will (and must) categorically impact everything we do . . . including our parenting. We’re going to parent differently if our identity is a parent or if our identity is a business owner, if our identity is a spouse or if our identity is a teacher. This means that everything needs to start with understanding who you are, and then it needs to flow out into everything you do. And when it comes to parenting, too many parents fall for the subtle lie that their identity is defined by their children. This could not be more false. But before we dive any deeper, I want to tell you about one of the Evermind Ministries named The Year Long Celebration of God. This ministry and it’s podcast—The Celebration of God—was created as a tool to help parents do exactly what were talking about today. Since then, the Year Long Celebration of God has grown to encompass so much more than parenting, but—at its core—the podcast was designed to help parents keep the main thing the main thing. I’ll talk about this resource more throughout the podcast, but—for now—I encourage you to subscribe to The Celebration of God podcast, and—unlike this podcast—start at the very beginning. The introductory episodes will teach you the foundation of the program and how to use it in your home. You can learn more at CelebrationOfGod.com. Okay, so let me cut the quick. You may be a parent, but parenting isn't your main purpose. It’s a purpose. It’s a desperately important facet of your being, but it is not and must not be your all-consuming main goal. 1. The Danger of Finding Your Identity in Parenting Parents who consciously or unconsciously believe that parenting is their main calling will fall into any number of damaging categories. I’m going to fly through a whole list of different kinds of parents and their dangers. See if any of these describe your approach to parenting. Also, please note that not everything these parents do is a problem. The problem lies—in part—in what they’re doing, but it also lies in why they do some of the good things they do. A. Helicopter Parents (or Drone Parents) These parents are overly involved in their children's lives, constantly "hovering" to monitor, protect, or control their activities. They often intervene in conflicts, make decisions for their kids, and shield them from failure or discomfort. They may schedule every moment of a child’s day, do their homework, or contact teachers to dispute grades. These parents can stifle independence or problem-solving skills in children. Kids may struggle with resilience, as they’re shielded from failure or adversity. These parents do this because they believe their main goal is to do for their kids what their kids obviously can’t do for themselves. B. Tiger Parents (or Hothouse Parents) These are parents who are highly demanding and push their children to achieve academic, athletic, or extracurricular excellence. They emphasize discipline, high expectations, and rigorous schedules, often prioritizing success over everything else. They may enforce strict study hours, insist on top grades, or require mastery in activities like music or sports. By the way, we have a series entitled Teach Your Children to Learn. However, the excessive pressure for achievement can introduce stress, burnout, or a temptation to rebellion. On the other hand, the children may develop perfectionism, their identities may be tied to performance, or there may be an eventual strained parent-child relationship. These parents believe that their identity as parents is best achieved by making sure their kids are successful. C. Free-Range Parents These are parents who believe they’re encouraging their children’s independence by giving them significant freedom to explore, make decisions, and learn from their own experiences. They aim to foster self-reliance but may slip into being neglectful in high-risk environments. They may allow kids to walk to school alone, play unsupervised, or make their own meals at a young age. However, too much freedom without adequate supervision can expose children to physical or spiritual risks, especially in unsafe environments, where they are not equipped to keep themselves safe. It may also be a consequence of laziness and neglect. However, there are dangerous free-range parents, and then there are . . . D. Authoritarian Parents These parents are strict, demanding obedience and control without much warmth or flexibility. They prioritize discipline and rules over connection, which can lead to high achievement but also stress or the temptation to rebellion in children. These are the parents who may say, “because I said so,” or punishing without discussion. Harsh discipline and lack of relationship can tempt the child to fearfulness or rebellion. Children of these parents will likely become authoritarian themselves or fall into the next category. The parent’s identities as parents focus more on their authority and the responsibility they have to be in charge. E. Permissive Parents These are parents who are lenient, indulgent, and avoid setting firm boundaries. They act more like friends than authority figures, prioritizing their child’s happiness over discipline, which can lead to issues with self-control in kids. They may allow unlimited screen time, rarely saying no, or avoid consequences for disobedience. This lack of boundaries can result in poor self-discipline, impulsivity, or entitlement in children. They may struggle with authority or responsibility in structured settings like school or work. These parents can also be known as Joker Parents and the Authoritarian Parents can be known as Dictator Parents, two parenting styles we pick apart in our 5th Way to Parent Series. Permissive Parents believe that the main goal of their parenting is to simply make their kids happy, and the best way to do that is allow the child to do whatever they want. F. Snowplow Parents (or Bulldozer Parents or Lawnmower Parents) There parents aggressively clear obstacles from their child’s path, ensuring they face no challenges or failures. Similar to helicopter parents but more focused on removing barriers than hovering, often to the detriment of their becoming strong people. These parenting call colleges to secure admissions, do projects for their kids, or resolve disputes on their behalf. But removing all obstacles prevents children from developing resilience or coping skills. This can lead to dependency, entitlement, or inability to handle life’s challenges independently. The parents’ identities tell them that they need to remove anything that will cause discomfort for their children or hinder their enjoyment of life. We have an episode entitled “Prepare Your Kids. Don’t Protect Them. | fighting the urge to shelter your kids,” and you can find the links to all the resources I reference in the description of this episode. G. Attachment Parents Parents who focus on building a strong emotional bond with their child, often through practices like co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, and constant physical closeness aim to create secure, trusting relationships. Such parents may baby-wear, respond immediately to cries, or prioritize emotional connection over strict schedules. If you want to learn more about the Doctrine of Emotion, you can get free access to that material in the Evermind App. Just click the link in the description to create a free account and/or add the material to your resources. But not only can an overemphasis on constant closeness hinder independence or tempt children with separation anxiety, it also makes the child’s emotional response the indicator of whether they are succeeding or failing as a parent. These parents’ identities are consumed with the idea that a healthy attachment is one where the child always “feels good” when mom and dad are around. H. Gentle Parents These are parents who believe they’re emphasizing empathy, respect, and understanding in discipline, avoiding punishment in favor of guiding children through emotions and choices. They aim to foster emotional intelligence and mutual respect by talking through tantrums, validating feelings, or modeling calm conflict resolution. However, avoiding all forms of discipline or consequences (biblical or otherwise) leads to children who struggle with boundaries or accountability. Overemphasis on emotions also neglects teaching practical life skills. These parents believe that their calling as a parent demands that their children have to be whatever the world considers “emotionally intelligent.” In order to do so, the child must not ever encounter any negative repercussions of their actions. Check out our Consequences Series to learn more about biblical consequences versus punishment. And then be sure to work through our Truly Peaceful Parenting Series to learn about the Peaceful Parenting that works. I. Silky Parents This is a playful term for parents who are polished, affluent, and focused on providing their children with a curated, high-end lifestyle. They combine crunchy ideals (like organic food) with luxury and convenience. They buy designer eco-friendly baby gear, enroll their kids in elite extracurriculars, or curate Instagram-worthy family moments. Prioritizing this curated, affluent lifestyle often fosters materialism or entitlement in children. It may also pressure kids to maintain a “perfect” image, leading to stress or superficial values. I hope you’re seeing how making “parent” be your main identity can practically work itself out in so many dangerous ways because they all get to define what the measure of a good parent is. And we don’t even have time to talk about Jellyfish Parents, Elephant Parents, Intensive Parents, Almond Parents, Guilt-Free Parents, or Instinctive Parents. The real issue isn’t that you’re a parent and have a job to do . . . the issue is who gets to define what it is to be a parent and what’s the best way to do the job. If your identity is being dad or mom, then whoever or whatever best aligns with your own proclivities or preferences is going to be the model that takes over. In the end, having your highest identity be your parenting is actually a revelation that there is still another—higher and more overpowering—identify in your life. What is it? Well, if you’re the one who defines what good parenting is, then you’re ultimately the authority . . . aren’t you? But, my friends, we’re not the ultimate authorities. We don’t get to define what successful parenting looks like. There is Another Who is the ultimate authority and has already supplied us with our ultimate purpose. 2. The Beauty of Finding Your Identity in God Being a small-business owner is not your identity. Being a spouse is not your main purpose. Being a professional dancer or musician or accountant absolutely must not be your highest goal . . . and neither should parenting. You were created by God to worship Him, enjoy Him, and teach others how to do the same. And I’m sure, right there, you can see how that purpose will result in a very different approach to parenting. It’s not that biblical parents don’t want their kids to be successful or happy or safe or emotionally well-regulated, it’s that the truest version of all of those things can only come from knowing, loving, and serving God. Therefore, academic success is not the goal, it’s a byproduct of pursuing the Lord. True security can only be achieved in submission to God. Biblical Parents don’t make happiness the objective, they make joy in Christ the purpose of the whole house. When your identity is in Christ, you come to understand that the most important part of your parenting is not what you want or what your kids want, it’s about what God wants. Your parenting becomes consumed with Him and His glory. So, let’s itemize some of the facets of Biblical Parenting, the parenting style that grows from our identity in Christ. But first, let me tell you that we have a TON of resources in the description concerning this subject. You’ll find links to our Biblical Parenting series, our Parenting in Christ Series, our False Parents Series, and so many more. This includes a link to our Biblical Parenting Essential Conference and resources on the Evermind App. Normally that would cost $50, but you can gain access to it all for only $10 when you use the link in the description of this episode. Our entire purpose as a ministry is to glorify God by equipping dads and moms to better know God and worship them with their parenting. That’s why every single one of our nearly 600 episodes is all about biblical parenting. And since that’s our purpose, you can trust that our resources are evergreen. Okay, let’s whet the blade of your biblical parenting with some foundational truths and then send you on your way to sharpening your biblical parenting through the cornucopia of resources I’ve curated for you today. A. Biblical Parents pursue God. Now, this is not some kind of mushy concept. We cannot glorify God in our parenting if we don’t know Him, understand Him, and believe Him. James tells us to draw near to God and He will draw near to us. But how does that practically work? Are we to go on a vision quest, meet with God in a dream, or trust anyone who says they have a message from God for us? No. The answer is unequivocally, “No.” We pursue God by doing the following. First, Biblical Parents are born again parents. One of the first pages that was ever created at TruthLoveParent.com was a page entitled “The First Step to Being a Good Parent.” If you don’t know if you have a saving relationship with the God of the universe? Will you please read that page? Better yet, will you please contact us. We want so badly to introduce you to Him and show you how you too can be born again. Until you are in a saving relationship with God, you can’t be a biblical parent. You identity needs to be consumed in Christ, and that starts with first and foremost being saved. Second, Biblical Parents engage with the Bible. We come to know and understand God through His holy Word. In order to be a biblical parent, we absolutely need to have a regular and steady habit of biblical nourishment. Do you daily read the Bible? How much time do you spend reading it? How much have you read over the years? How familiar are you with it? We cannot be biblical parents if we’re not reading the Bible. But engaging with the Bible isn’t merely reading it. Yes, reading the Bible is so utterly important, but that’s just a start. We need to study to show ourselves approved. We need to be Bereans. We need to dig into the Scripture as we seek to know God and understand ourselves. But even that in a vacuum won’t help. We must take the final step in our discipleship process and apply what we’re learning to life. Reading and studing provide knowledge and understanding, but we can only be wise as we actually believe what we’re learning by actually living in the light, walking in the truth, and being holy and God is holy. As we pursue God, scanning, studying, and submitting to Scripture is an absolute must. So is . . . Third, Biblical Parents pray. God communicates with us through His Word, and we communicate with Him through prayer. There is so much that needs to be said about prayer, but we don’t have the time here, so please check out an episode we did called “Celebrating God at Work and School, Part 4 | Pray and Praise.” Yes, it focuses on work and school, but the prayer lessons we cover have application far beyond just work and school. The point is, you need to be praying because you’re not drawing near to God if you’re never talking with Him. But you’re not much a biblical parent if your interaction with God stops there. B. Biblical Parents teach their children to pursue God. You’re not a Biblical Parent if God and His Word are not the absolute foundation and keystone of your parenting. Are you sharing the Gospel with your kids? Are you teaching your children the Scriptures? Are you teaching them how to apply the Bible to their lives? Are you teaching them to pray and praying with them? Are you setting high biblical expectations in your home? Are you leading your children in holiness? Again, this is a massive topic . . . one to which we’ve dedicated nearly 600 episodes. We must be pursuing biblical parenting by drenching our parenting in Scripture, teaching, reproving, correcting, and training our kids in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. And it’s here that I want to again mention The Year Long Celebration of God. That resource was designed to help evangelize and disciple your children every day of the year by showing how we can better worship God this year than we did the year before. Please visit CelebrationOfGod.com and listen to our introductory episodes to learn how this system can help you be a more intentional and premeditated Biblical Parent. Conclusion
My friends, your purpose is to know God, love Him, and worship Him by growing in Christlikeness and helping your kids do the same.
You can only be a truly Biblical Parent as you submit to the Lord in salvation, draw near to Him in Scripture reading and prayer, and then make those very things the foundation of your parenting. If your parenting is rooted in anything else, it will fail your kids. Even if it grows from noble aspirations and achieves “good” things in this life, it will ultimately fail them because what they really needed was the Lord. Parenting isn’t your purpose, but your parenting will be so much more valuable when you understand and pursue your true purpose. Please share this episode with your friends, family, and pastor. And be sure to email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894 if you need help understanding your purpose and identity, or parenting in light of it. And join us next time as we seek to allow our main purpose in life answer this parenting question: “Should I Give My Child an Allowance?” I’ll see you then.
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