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Episode Notes
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TranscriptIntroduction
Today we discuss the final sinful response to sin, and on our next two episodes we get to consider two more amazing, miraculous, and glorious responses we want our children to have to their sin.
For those of you just joining us, I highly recommend you scroll back to episode 575 which was our first episode on this series. Though—in retrospect—I would have ordered the topics differently, the ideas still build on and reference each other, so it’s really helpful to listen to them in order. We’re talking about the ways our kids respond after they have sinned. The process of sinning immediately does some things to us, but then there are other negative responses we might be tempted to have or positive responses we need to have. We’ve talked about the nature of sin and temptation, knowledge and delusion, conviction and callousness, fear and anger, and today we’re talking about that natural tendency to blame others for our sin. Of course today’s show has free episode notes, a transcript, and related resources all linked for you in the description. So, why exactly do we and our kids so often respond to our sin by blaming other people? Topic
I want to remind us of an important truth before we dive in. All sin grows from delusion. It’s a result of us believing a lie. Therefore, delusion is at the center of our initial sin as well as all of the negative responses to sin. We’re afraid, we get angry, and we become callous all because of falsehoods we accept as truth.
The same is true for blame. Now, that’s not to say that other people didn’t do wrong as well. And we’re obviously not talking about when a person is wrongfully accused and tries to help us understand who really is responsible. We’re talking about people who don’t take responsibility for their actions, and—instead—seek to hold others responsible for the situation . . . and maybe even the actions themselves. The conversation about delusion is incredibly important—as have been all of our conversations about truth. I cannot stress enough the importance of us being discerning and wise enough to see the difference between truth and lies. But, what’s interesting about blame is that it doesn’t only grow from the root of delusion. Blame is like a blossom that grows from a stem that grows from the roots of delusion. But we’ll unpack this concept as we go. So, what lies are being believed that tempt us to blame others? How do we parent kids who never seem to be able to take responsibility for their actions? Great questions. But first, I want to invite you to partner with Truth.Love.Family. as we seek to equip dads and moms and children all over the world to better worship God as they relate to their family members. Whether it’s the relationship between parents and kids, siblings, or spouses, we believe God deserves our intentional, premeditated obedience in those relationships. That’s why we create these podcasts, write books like our newest one, “Quit: How to Stop Family Strife for Good,” travel and speak, and provide biblical counseling to families. But we can’t do this alone. If I were independently wealthy, I wouldn’t ask for your help, but this ministry was created with the idea that it would be 100% donor funded, therefore allowing us to produce free content and offer free teaching and counseling. But we’re only about 6% funded. So, we need your help. Please visit TruthLoveParent.com/donate to learn more. As always, there is a link in the description that will take you right there. In fact, go ahead and click that link now, make your donation, and then come back here. We’ll be waiting. It’s not a problem! Seriously, though, please prayerfully consider how much you could wisely afford to invest in the spiritual equipping of you, your family, and countless families across the globe. Just this year we’ve had listeners from every continent except Antarctica. Please help us continue to make known the glories of God and His will for our families. And with that, let us turn our attention to that great mission. 1. The Blame Response to Sin Let us start by refamiliarizing ourselves with Genesis 3:11-13. “And [God] said, ‘Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?’12 And the man said, ‘The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave to me from the tree, and I ate.’ 13 Then Yahweh God said to the woman, ‘What is this you have done?”’And the woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.’” Later in Exodus 32, when confronted for his part in creating the golden calf which the children of Israel abandoned God to worship, in verses 21 through 24 we read, “Then Moses said to Aaron, ‘What did this people do to you, that you have brought such great sin upon them?’ 22 And Aaron said, ‘Do not let the anger of my lord burn; you know the people yourself, that they are prone to evil. 23 Indeed they said to me, ‘Make gods for us who will go before us; for this Moses, the man who brought us up from the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.’ 24 And I said to them, ‘Whoever has any gold, let them tear it off.’ So they gave it to me, and I threw it into the fire, and out came this calf.’” In I Samuel 15, King Saul had been sent to wipe out the Amalekites and destroy their possessions, but Saul didn’t do his job correctly. When Samuel confronted him, in verses 20 through 22 Saul says, “I did obey the voice of Yahweh and went on the way on which Yahweh sent me and have brought back Agag the king of Amalek and have devoted the Amalekites to destruction. 21 But the people took some of the spoil, sheep and oxen, the choicest of the things devoted to destruction, to sacrifice to Yahweh your God at Gilgal.’” In each of these examples, a man committed a sin, but instead of taking responsibility for his sin, each quickly pointed his finger at others. So, why does this happen? Well, blame can be . . . A. Motivated by knowledge. Adam blamed Eve because she bore blame in the scenario. Eve blamed the snake because he was responsible for his temptation. Now, how do you handle situations like this? We’ll discuss that on our next main point. For now, it’s important to identify that some blame is legitimate because the person being blamed really did do something wrong. But sometimes the blame is . . . B. Motivated by delusion. The delusion can take many forms. This was Adam’s problem when he insinuated that God bore part of the blame in what Eve did. Adam didn’t say, “The woman gave to me from the tree, and I ate.” He said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave to me from the tree, and I ate.” In a similar fashion, your child may be convinced someone is to blame when that person actually did nothing wrong. Sometimes the child misinterpreted something the other person did. Sometimes the child doesn’t believe they did anything wrong, but instead of defending their own innocence, they have a knee-jerk response to throwing other people into the fire. Of course, the delusion that “What they did was way worse than what I did,” is nearly always present. But blame can also be . . . C. Motivated by callousness. This is our first example of a blame response that grows from another response to sin—namely callousness—that grows from the delusion response to sin. A calloused individual is so because they have repeatedly believed lies about their sin. But since the person is calloused, they really don’t care about their responsibility. Because of this belief, they are far more likely to believe that other people and situations are at the root of their problems. This is like Cain believing that Able was the real issue that needed to be expunged. But blame is often . . . D. Motivated by fear. Fear of consequences easily tempts us to deflect the blame onto others. You can often tell this is the motivation of the blame when the child is excessively interested in the consequences the other child will receive for doing what they did. I think it might be safe to say that when Aaron blamed the children of Israel for the golden calf, it was a mix of knowledge because they really were to blame, but also fear of consequences. And, finally, blame can be . . . E. Motivated by anger. A child who really wants to see their sibling get consequences may be motivated by fear of their own consequences, but it can also easily simply be malicious anger toward the sibling. This also happens when we’re angry at the situation. For example, the child has a bad attitude—they’re complaining and being unkind and lack joy—because their baseball game was rained out. They’re angry at the weather, so they blame the rain for their bad attitude. I hope you can see how blame is quite often not the only nor the deepest problem. Blame can grow from anger, fear, and callousness, which all grow from delusion. Of course, the anger from which the blame grew may have been motivated by fear itself! And all of this is desperately important as we parent our kids through and out of these responses. So, with that, let’s consider . . . 2. Parenting Children with a Blame Response to Sin A. Identify the root of the blame. Because the blame response can grow from so many other issues, it will be exceptionally important for us to be wise and discerning as we carefully draw out the heart of our child. “Wow, Aaron, the more I listen to this podcast, the more I’m convinced that parenting it a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.” I would agree with that observation in general, but then when we consider the difficulty of biblical parenting, I would agree that much more. But please be encouraged. It is not my desire to discourage, disillusion, or distress you. Yes, sin is bad, we are weak, and glorifying God is impossible in our flesh. Yes, we have many areas where we need to grow ourselves, our children will also require our wise counsel until the day God takes one of us home, and the years can begin to wear on us . . . but all of these truths are designed to drive us to God . . . the One person for Whom none of this is impossible or hard. Listen carefully as I read from I Corinthians 4:7-18, “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; 8 in every way afflicted, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 11 For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So death works in us, but life in you. 13 But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, ‘I believed, therefore I spoke,’ we also believe, therefore we also speak, 14 knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you. 15 For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God. 16 Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our momentary, light affliction is working out for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, 18 while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” God needs to be the source of your hope, your strength, your purpose, and your security. Only then will the work that is before you be a joy and not a distress. So, as we hike up our britches for the weighty responsibility that is biblical parenting, when we see our child having a blame response to sin, we need to . . . B. Respond correctly to knowledge. This is a legitimate category that mustn’t be ignored. Adam was wrong to blame God and throw his wife under the bus, but Adam was actually right about Eve. So what did God do? Well, He could have done all sorts of things, including confronting Adam about his blaming Eve, but the reality was that Eve really did sin, so the Scriptures show God turning His attention to Eve. And when Eve shifted her blame to the serpent, since the serpent truly was also culpable, God focused on him. My point is, just because our child committed a sin, and just because the child is now trying to shift the blame, doesn’t mean that a legitimate accusation should be ignored or dismissed. If you have more than one child, it’s likely they all had some hand in the situation before you now, and you should take the opportunity to confront each child about their sin—not to the exclusion of anyone else’s sin, but simply because they too sinned. Don’t allow feeling overwhelmed or untrusting tempt you to not investigate the situation . . . but also don’t allow the accusation to derail your parenting. If you go after the boy who broke his sister’s toy and forget that she scratched him in retaliation, you’re only failing your daughter by allowing her to believe the lie that her sinful response was clearly justified because mommy didn’t give her any consequences, but she did give consequences to her brother. God gave consequences to the snake, to Eve, and to Adam. He was just and mindful. So, respond correctly to knowledge. But you also need to . . . C. Confront delusion with truth. This is a point I’ve made over and over again. The best way to help our children see the light of their sin is to reveal the lies they’ve been believing. This is the reproof stage of parenting. I talk about this in extreme detail on our Biblical Parenting Essentials conference on the Evermind App as well as the Parent’s 5 Jobs podcast series. Links to both of those are in the description. We have to persuasively help our children see their own blindness. We have to assist them to correctly interpret the situation and their choices in light of God’s Word. We have to shine the light of God’s liberating truth on their heart. Doing this with the words of Scripture is one of the highest responsibilities you have, but far too often we parents just don’t. We don’t parent using the Bible. We’re pragmatic parents. We’re selfish parents. But we’re too often not biblical parents. My friends, soak in the Scriptures, help your children understand the lies they believe. Confront their delusion with God’s truth. But you may also have to . . . D. Tenderize callousness. In The Four Children series I go into a good amount of detail of how to soften a hard heart. I lean into the figurative imagery of biblical love being like the water that softens hard, compacted dirt. Ephesians 4 beautifully couples speaking truth in love as our work of the ministry in our home. I Corinthians 13 comes right out and says that it doesn’t matter how much you know, if it’s devoid of love, it’s worthless. We have a series called Family Love, and I cannot encourage you enough to listen to that series with your kids. Yes, life absolutely does not work without love, but it has to be God’s love, not our delusional perceptions of love. If you have a callous child, they are lost in their sin, but they’re not just lost, they’re hardened to truth. Yes, you need to continue speaking truth into his or her life, but you absolutely must channel the very love of God as you do it. This is a huge topic, one too big to discuss here, so I challenge you to continue your study of this point by listening to the Family Love Series. Also if you have a calloused child in your house, please reach our for some biblical counsel for you, your spouse, and your child. I’ll give details about that at the end of the show. In order to parent your child through their blame response to sin, you will also potentially have to . . . E. Redirect fear. In our Doctrine of Emotions material on the Evermind App, I reveal how the answer to sinful fear is sanctified fear. If your child is afraid, they’re afraid because they don’t fear God. They don’t recognize His majestic awesomeness, His sovereignty, His power, and His love. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Blaming other people to avoid consequences is foolish. Your foolish child needs to better understand Who God is and righteously fear Him. When a person is staring at God, they will never be afraid of what is going on around them. Therefore, when we or our kids are afraid of something in life, we can know for sure their eyes are not on God. Identify your child’s fear, identify the delusion, and then reveal the real truth about the situation—part of which will be the reality that just consequences for sin are part of God’s plan for our growth and maturity. And, finally, as you seek to parent biblically, you may have to . . . F. Redirect anger. An angry child is a delusional child. Their malice and slander and clamor and anger and wrath is a result of their bitterness—their wicked thinking. They need to think kindly—righteously. Therefore, their sinful anger against other people or the situation needs to be turned into sanctified anger against their own sin. As you shine truth on their delusion, help them recognize that they are their own worst enemy. Their sin, not the weather or their teacher or their sibling is the reason they thought and desired and acted and spoke and felt wrong. Conclusion
So, as a review, our kids are tempted to blame others for their sin because of knowledge, delusion, callousness, fear, and anger. And we need to righteously and faithfully parent our children in truth.
By the way, I have a couple other resources for you in the description that I didn’t mention yet. One is an interview I did with my sister about Tackling Tattling in the home. Tattling isn’t always tied to blame shifting, but quite often they go hand in hand. Another resource is a two-part episode I did called Parenting Complainers. Again, not all complaining is blame shifting, but quite often accusing others grows out of the same complaining heart. And don’t forget to work through the Parenting Angry Children and Parenting Fearful Children I linked last time. Also, please share this series with your friends and prayerfully consider donating to this ministry at TruthLoveParent.com/donate. Of course, if you need assistance working with the callous child in your home—or anything else for that matter—please email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894. On our next episode, we’re going to talk about the response we all want our kids to have to their sin. I’ll see you then.
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