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TranscriptIntroduction
Welcome back to our series on parenting sorrowing children. I am your host AMBrewster. I am the president of Truth.Love.Family., a biblical family counselor, husband of almost 20 years to my wife, Johanna, and father of our two children, Micah and Ivy.
Micah and Ivy are both sophomores in college, and we live with my parents in Brevard, NC. Of course, most of you know that, but if you’re new to the show, I want to welcome you and let you know a little about who I am. In addition to creating biblical parenting content like podcasts and books, I also counsel and speak. I have already spoken this year at the Great Homeschool Convention, I’m heading to northern Indiana in April, I’ll be at the Thrive Homeschooling Conference in May, and then in October I’ll be in Louisiana and Texas. If you have an event at your church, school, camp, conference, or retreat and would like to invite me to participate, please click the link in the description of this episode to learn more. And speaking of the description of this episode, there you will also find free episode notes, a transcript, and related resources for our discussion today. Lastly, I’d like to encourage you to get a copy of my new book, “Quit: How to Stop Family Strife for Good.” It’s a short 100 page read the contents of which grew out of the Scriptures and my own experiences with family strife—both in my own home as well as when I was the residence manager for a home for at-risk teen boys. Your family does have strife in it, and God wants your family to have less of it. This book will help your family reduce the strife and increase the joy. And—with that—let’s dive into our final episode on this series. Topic
This episode is going to have some significant weight to it. Not only is sorrow in general weighty, but Deadly Sorrow is crushing.
“Aaron, why couldn’t have you have ended on a good note with Discipleship Sorrow?” Well, for one main reason . . . unfortunately, humans too often choose Deadly Sorrow over Discipleship Sorrow. In fact, if your children are currently unsaved, it’s actually impossible for them to experience Discipleship Sorrow until they first experience it in regeneration. This doesn’t mean we don’t parent toward Discipleship Sorrow. Obviously, as Evangelist Parents, we’re always parenting in the Gospel. But we have to recognize that when our unsaved kids experience Divine Sorrow—as they should when we and the Holy Spirit use the Word of God to reprove them—they can only ever respond with Deadly Sorrow because they are not yet disciples of Christ. Therefore, it’s important that we end with this sorrow and be really sure we know how to parent our kids when they’re in it. So, let’s start with . . . 1. The Experience of Children with Deadly Sorrow On our last two shows I’ve mentioned II Corinthians 7:8-10, so let’s start by reading it together: “For though I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it, though I did regret it—for I see that that letter caused you sorrow, though only for a while— 9 I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to repentance. For you were made to have godly sorrow, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. 10 For godly sorrow produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world brings about death.” “The sorrow of the world”—this concept is not a well-defined one. You’re not going to find that phrase anywhere else in the Scriptures. The Greek word translated “sorrow” is the same word used to describe “godly sorrow.” And the word translated “world” is the same word used in John 3:16 to describe those whom God loves. In fact, Paul has used this same word three times in this letter, and this is the first time it appears to have a negative connotation to it. But in his first letter to the Corinthians, Paul used the word a lot, and I want to focus in on I Corinthians 1:20-29, “Where is the wise man? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21 For since, in the wisdom of God, the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased, through the foolishness of the message preached, to save those who believe. 22 For indeed Jews ask for signs and Greeks search for wisdom, 23 but we preach Christ crucified, to Jews a stumbling block and to Gentiles foolishness, 24 but to those who are the called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25 Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. 26 For consider your calling, brothers, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble. 27 But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, 28 and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may abolish the things that are, 29 so that no flesh may boast before God.” In these two paragraphs we see the wisdom of the world negatively contrasted with the wisdom of God. But then we see the foolish, weak, and base things of the word contrasted with the wise and strong. And we’re told that God does this so that no flesh may boast. So, here’s what I’m saying. In II Corinthians 7, Paul is communicating to us that the sorrow of the world is not the sorrow of God. It’s a sorrow that is not rooted in God, His wisdom, His truth, and—therefore—His redemptive purposes. Instead of sorrowing over the fact that we have sinned against God and others and are only hurting ourselves by staying in our sin, and instead of wanting to escape that tailspin to the glory of God, something else is creating feelings of sorrow . . . and it has nothing to do with God. So, over what might a person in this position be sorrowing? Well, this is the sorrow that says, “I’m sad because I have regrets,” or “I’m sad that I got caught,” or “I’m sad that I’m experiencing the consequences of my choices.” It’s not really focused on how the child has sinned against God and why the Divine Sorrow is in his life; he’s just consumed with what’s happening to him in the situation. This is different from Daily Sorrow because sin is involved. They are believing the lie that the conviction of God and His plan for their reconciliation isn’t the most important thing. This is different than Discontented Sorrow because it’s not something that’s happening to you due to no fault of your own. Now, on the same token, it’s very easy for Deadly Sorrow to invite Discontented Sorrow to the party. This may be discontentment about the consequences or the reproof in general or God’s expectations for their lives. This sorrow is called Deadly Sorrow because if the child doesn’t deal with her sin, it leads to death. Mike Riccardi published an article for Master’s Seminary entitled “How Do I Know if I Have Godly Sorrow or Worldly Sorrow?” I’ve linked the full article in the description, but I want to read his comments about Deadly Sorrow because he explains it well. “Sorrow is not always beneficial. While those who are genuinely repentant will experience sorrow over their sin, sorrow itself is not repentance. There is a kind of sorrow over sin that does not produce repentance, and therefore does not lead to salvation. “Paul identifies this kind of sorrow as ‘the sorrow of the world [which] produces death’ (2 Cor 7:10b). “The chief characteristic of worldly sorrow is that it is fundamentally self-centered. Worldly sorrow revolves around the pain sin causes to oneself rather than the offense and dishonor it is to God. Listen to the words of Philip Hughes in describing worldly sorrow: ‘It is not sorrow because of the heinousness of sin as rebellion against God, but sorrow because of the painful and unwelcome consequences of sin. Self is its central point’ (273). “This is the sorrow of self-pity, the sorrow of getting caught, the sorrow over the consequences sin brings. “People who have worldly sorrow are often defensive about their sin and attempt to justify it or explain it away; whereas godly sorrow causes you to own your sin and make no excuses. You know you are experiencing worldly sorrow when you are grieving for yourself—for the embarrassment you’re suffering and the pain you’re feeling—rather than mourning over the grief you have brought to the Holy Spirit for dishonoring the grace of Christ and belittling the glory of God. “One of the clearest examples Scripture gives of worldly sorrow is Judas. It is said of Judas that he ‘felt remorse’ for betraying Christ, that he ‘returned the thirty pieces of silver’ by which he was bribed, and that he even openly confessed, ‘I have sinned by betraying innocent blood’ (Matt 27:3). At this point, Judas’s actions are nearly indistinguishable from genuine repentance. He confessed his sin, felt remorse over it, and changed his course. But ultimately, we learn this was not godly sorrow leading to repentance, but worldly sorrow that produced death. How do we know? Because when the chief priests and elders wouldn’t take the money back, ‘he threw the pieces of silver into the temple sanctuary and departed; and he went away and hanged himself’ (Matt 27:5). “If Judas [were] mourning over the offense he had committed against the Son of God—if his grief [were] fundamentally God-centered—his response would have looked much different. He knew, from walking with Christ for more than three years, that he could have found forgiveness and restoration in Him. Judas knew that Jesus had come to die for liars and traitors just like him, and that forgiveness was available to those who would abandon their sin and trust in Christ for righteousness. “But that wasn’t Judas’ concern. His grief was fundamentally self-centered. He could not bear the shame and humiliation of having betrayed the Son of God, and rather than bringing that shame to the Savior who could pay for it, he sought to atone for his own sins by suicide. “Worldly sorrow produces death. Worldly sorrow causes you to focus on how terrible of a sinner you are rather than how gracious of a Savior Jesus is. “The instinct of worldly sorrow is to try to atone for sin by brooding over it—by feeling so bad for yourself that you are reduced to despair. But the instinct of godly sorrow is to run to the cross of Christ where the only atonement for sin was made.” Again, it’s a great article. I encourage you to read the whole thing, and I also encourage you to share it with your children. Sure, some of them may be too young for this particular read at the moment, but upper elementary children and teens will be able to grasp the meaning perfectly well. With that foundation laid, we’re going to discuss how to parent our kids through and—hopefully—out of Deadly Sorrow. But before we do that, I want to remind you that we are a nonprofit. That means that our income comes predominantly through donations made by you—the families who benefit from our resources. And we try to make it very easy for you to give to this ministry. All donations are tax-deductible, and you can give easily at TruthLoveParent.com/donate. But we also have products that you can purchase which support this ministry. But there are also other companies who—when you purchase their products—those purchases also support this ministry. MyPillow is one of those companies. When you use the promo code EVERMIND at checkout, you are not only purchasing high quality products that will enrich you life, you’re supporting this ministry. And the same is true for nearly everything you purchase on Amazon as long as you use our affiliate links. You see, there are so many ways you can bless and support this ministry. Whether it’s $5 a month or as you shop Amazon or when you get yourself a new pillow, we would greatly appreciate your help. The past couple years have been very difficult. If we don’t get some more donors, I firmly believe we’re going to have to shut our doors and stop making these resources. I don’t want that, and I don’t believe you want that. So, please help us. Now, let’s talk about . . . 2. Parenting Children with Deadly Sorrow Of course, the first reminder is . . . A. All previous counseling strategies are beneficial. But here’s where things get different. B. Examine the sorrow to understand if it’s Discipleship or Deadly Sorrow. Remember the response of Judas and don’t simply accept that a confession and sadness can only ever be Discipleship Sorrow. As I mentioned last time, the act of confessing, asking for forgiveness, and even committing to change don’t necessarily result in actual change. Someone experiencing Deadly Sorrow might say those words, but there won’t actually be beneficial change. The first thing for which to look is the lessening of sorrow. Remember, a correct discipleship response to Divine Sorrow actually results in the removal of sorrow, not the multiplication of it. A number of episodes ago I mentioned that sin multiples sorrow and righteousness divides it. It’s not as simple as adding and subtracting. Daily Sorrow quickly becomes multiplied by discontentment which then invitees Divine Sorrow and which then produces Discipleship or Deadly Sorrow. But true repentance—true Discipleship Sorrow—results in the removal of all of the sinful sorrows as well as the Divine and Discipleship Sorrows themselves. Therefore, if after confessing, asking for forgiveness, and committing to change, the child’s sorrow doesn’t change, or it worsens, they’re likely not truly experiencing Discipleship Sorrow. Secondly, listen carefully for self-centered speech. Are they upset about getting caught? This is a very easy to recognize sorrow that is clearly ungodly. Are they being defensive? Are they trying to justify their actions or explain them away? This reflex to protect one’s self from judgement or consequence is usually sinful. I say “usually” because one may stand on the truth of Scripture to justify their obedience to God, but I think you recognize that’s not what’s being discussed here. Is the child experiencing self-pity? This is a form of pride that grows from the fact that we believe we deserve better. Third, investigate the source of sorrow. Whereas the last point dealt with the root of the sorrow, few people in those situations are actually going to say, “I’m sad that I got caught,” or “I’m being defensive.” However, they will potentially reveal why they’re sad in an attempt to get you to empathize with them. For example, are they sad about the consequences? When pressed about his tears, does he admit that he’s sad to be losing his video game privileges? Now, I mentioned last time that there can be an appropriate Daily Sorrow that’s experienced in light of consequences. However, that sorrow is not a self-centered sorrow that bemoans our situation. It’s a God-centered lament that recognizes the loss, but—more importantly—the reason for it. The loss of video games is only there to illustrate and highlight the loss of trust or fellowship or spiritual maturity. Fourth, identify if their sorrow is turning into something else. There’s a difference between Christ-honoring sorrow and brooding. Depression is not a godly ingredient of repentance, and neither is despair. Pay close attention to those responses because they too grow out of selfishness. C. Teach them the truth about the loss. If a child is experiencing Deadly Sorrow, they’re deceived about the loss in their life. They’re focused on self or distracted by trivialities. They need to understand that the Secondary Consequences of sin are only there to point to the Primary Consequences of sin. If you haven’t listened to our Consequences Series, please do. This is also a good time to teach or remind your child about the nature of shame. They’re experiencing Deadly Sorrow to a large degree because they’re fixated on all the wrong loss. D. Reprove them by showing how their response is a sin. I won’t spend a lot of time on this point; it should be obvious. But—once again—I need to remind us of the temptation to be superficial in our parenting. “All sadness needs to be comforted.” “We need to weep with everyone who weeps regardless of why they’re weeping.” “They said they were sorry; all is well.” These foolish and unbiblical beliefs are not only not going to help the situation, they’re going to hurt your child. Yes, your child needs to be reproved for sin. The selfishness and deception of Deadly Sorrow must be rebuked. They have to be shown how their beliefs, thoughts, and actions are denying God and His will for their lives. And so we find ourselves in a similar place as we did with Discontented Sorrow. E. Introduce them to Divine Sorrow and call them to Discipleship Sorrow. There is always hope. Instead of responding in Deadly Sorrow, the child can experience Divine Sorrow anew and—Lord willing—this time respond with Discipleship Sorrow. Now, let’s consider . . . 3. The Relationship between Deadly Sorrow and Discipleship Sorrow. By the way, I fully recognize the sheer volume of information I try to cram into a 20-30 minute podcast episode. I recognize I talk quickly and cover a lot of truth. I do this—in part—because I know that there are episode notes and transcripts available. You can work through this as quickly or slowly as you like. You can also layer the teaching. I just mentioned reproof in passing, but the truth is that most of us don’t reprove well. Knowing that, you could take some time to listen to the episodes in the Parent’s 5 Jobs or the the Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference in order to exercise the biblical parenting muscle. Okay, so I’ve already mentioned many times today that Deadly Sorrow is the result of believing a lie. In the same way that Deceived Sorrow sneaks in and convinces someone to be discontent, I believe that Deceived Sorrow is a the root of Deadly Sorrow. The deception is that there is something worse than displeasing an almighty God. When we believe that lie, we experience sorrow that further separates us from God and eventually leads to spiritual destruction. Once again, I want to stop and appreciate the interesting dynamic that is Deceived Sorrow. It can worm it’s way into every other sorrow, and that shouldn’t surprise anyone who’s worked through The Merest Christianity Series. The truth or lies we believe affect literally everything in our lives. We need to root out the lies at the heart of our choices, and we need to help our kids do the same. Deception—whether it produces sorrow or glee—is deadly. Conclusion
As we come to the end of this study, I want to review some key points.
1. All children experience the Daily Sorrow of Practical Loss. They need to be prepared to experience this sorrow to God’s glory. I look forward to a short series in the future about teaching your children to lament. 2. Many children allow the practical loss to tempt them to Discontented Sorrow. That sorrow compounds their suffering because it layers on unnecessary sorrow to an already sorrowful situation. They need to be shown how they’re making things worse by not submitting to God in their sorrow. Thankfully, the Lord is gracious. 3. God provides Divine Sorrow to show us the ugliness of our sin. When the Holy Spirit is working, come alongside Him in that work. 4. Then the children will have a choice whether they will respond with Discipleship Sorrow or Deadly Sorrow. Use the Scriptures to show the joys of Discipleship Sorrow and the destruction of Deadly Sorrow. But the two most important takeaways are . . . 5. God’s Word is the ultimate source of comfort and direction in sorrow. Please stop relying on your understanding of sorrow or something a psychiatrist wrote in a parenting book or what your child feels is right. Turn to the Bible—your ultimate source of all life and parenting godliness. And the second most important takeaway is . . . 6. We mustn’t give any child an automatic pass on their reactions simply because they are the victim of loss. We absolutely should comfort those experiencing Daily Sorrow due to Practical Loss. Part of that comfort will include the truth and love of God, and part of it might be holding them quietly and weeping with them. But Discontented Sorrow and Deadly Sorrow must be identified and confronted lest the child fall into deeper and deeper destruction. I pray this series has been a challenge and a blessing for you. I pray you worship God better with your parenting because of what you have learned here. I also pray you will share this series with other parents in your life. And if you need some personalized assistance working through any of this for yourself or your family, please email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894. And lastly, please give careful prayer and consideration to how you might be used of God to support this ministry so we can continue creating biblical parenting resources for you and parents all over the globe. I’ll see you next time as we look ahead to Season 31.
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