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TranscriptIntroduction
Welcome back to our series on parenting sorrowful children. On our first episode we looked at the cause of sorrowing, then we talked about Daily Sorrow, Discontented Sorrow, Divine Sorrow, and we looked at how Deceived Sorrow interacts with all of them.
Today, we’re going to look at one of two choices a child can make when confronted by Divine Sorrow. But before we do that, let me welcome you, let me invite you to make sure you’ve listened to the whole series before jumping in to today’s topic, and—if you’re new to the show—we welcome you. I pray the content we discuss here will glorify the Lord and equip you to better worship Him in your parenting. To that end, each part of this series includes free episode notes, transcripts, and links to related resources that will help you deepen your understanding of the topic. So, be sure to subscribe to the show, share it with your friends, and patronize the companies that support this ministry. We are a 501(c)(3), and though we would like to create all free content because the donations we receive are enough to cover our expenses . . . that is not currently the case. So, we’re very thankful when other ministries and businesses partner with us. MyPillow is one such business that gives back to Truth.Love.Family. When you make a purchase using the promo code EVERMIND, a percentage of your total purchase is given to Truth.Love.Family. so we can continue creating these free resources for Christian parents all over the globe. Another group that is helping us out is the Thrive Homeschool conference in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. I’ll be speaking there this May, and I look forward to seeing some of you there. As always, there will be links in the description so you can learn more about these organizations, enjoy their offerings, and bless TLP in the process. And now let’s talk about the most beautiful form of sorrow you and your children can ever experience. Topic
Daily Sorrow is unavoidable. We wouldn’t necessarily wish it on our kids, but we know God wants to use it to mature them.
Deceived Sorrow and Discontented Sorrow are sorrows that grow as a result of sinful responses to believing a lie. But praise God for Divine Sorrow. We thank the Lord that His Holy Spirit rests on our hearts—convicting us and causing the good shame designed to lead us to true change. But conviction is not enough to change a person. Many a man and woman have experienced the conviction of the Holy Spirit and has fought it. Romans 1 articulates the trajectory of those who know the truths of God, but who fight it and suppress it and actively replace it with lies. Ephesians 4:19 tells us of those who have become callous and given themselves up to sensuality. My point is this, it’s not enough to see the glory of God declared by the heavens. It’s not enough to be confronted with painful truth from the outside. We must resonate with that sorrow. If I could put it this way, true repentance is an inverse to temptation. Whereas external temptation does not make us sin, but—instead—it is our sinful heart that resonates with the external temptation, therefore making the internal temptation that which lures and entices us to sin . . . so the external conviction of God will not be acted upon until our hearts resonate with it. And since it is this internal sorrow that is the catalyst for genuine repentance, it is this sorrow that is the most beautiful. This is the sorrow we all need to experience. So, let’s consider . . . 1. The Experience of Children with Discipleship Sorrow This is the personal sorrow of a true disciple of God that is inspired by the Divine Sorrow that showed them they were in sin. Last time I mentioned Matthew 5:3, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” It is the convicting truth of the Holy Spirit that shows us that we are—in fact—spiritually destitute. We are spiritually impoverished. That weighty truth is Divine Sorrow. But how do we respond to that weight? We can choose to not care. We can choose to call it a lie. We can distract ourselves with all the shiny things of this world. But it’s Matthew 5:4 that shows what happens when we personalize and internalize the Divine Sorrow and agree with Him in His assessment of our desperate situation: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” James, likely the first New Testament letter ever written, does a fantastic job of fleshing out many of the most basic and fundamental truths Christians need to know. That is why in James 4:7-10 we read, “Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.” Now, I went into much more detail about this in the James Bible Study we did during the lockdowns, and we don’t have a ton of time to do the same thing here, but what we need to understand is that the misery and mourning and weeping and gloom to which we’re being called is Discipleship Sorrow. It’s the sorrow that agrees with God about our state. We cannot see our spiritual death or immaturity and smile. It’s a desperate and forlorn state. It’s truly lamentable. And it’s when our soul’s condition—not our situations—is that about which we sorrow that real change comes. I read II Corinthians 7:8-10 last time as an introduction to today’s point. “For though I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it; though I did regret it—for I see that that letter caused you sorrow, though only for a while— 9 I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful.” Okay, so up until now I believe he’s talking about the Divine Sorrow the truth of his words caused. But then Paul identifies two different responses to that Divine Sorrow. The first of which is Discipleship Sorrow. Starting in verse 9 we read, “I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. 10 For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation.” We’ll discuss the other sorrow on our next episode. For now, though, let’s understand that the Corinthians experienced the Good Shame of Divine Sorrow, and they responded in Discipleship Sorrow. And here’s one more wonderful example of this sorrow. Acts 2:36-37 says, “Therefore let all the house of Israel know for certain that God has made Him both Lord and Christ—this Jesus whom you crucified. 37 Now when they heard this, they were pierced to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, ‘Brethren, what shall we do?’” The Divine Sorrow brought on by the weighty reality that they had crucified the Christ produced in them a Discipleship Sorrow which understood that something had to change. This, my friends, is a glorious place to be—not because it feels good, sorrow never feels good, but because it results in the unsaved being born again and the children of God growing in their conformity to His Son. Matthew 5 goes on to reveal that those who respond to the Divine Sorrow of their impoverished state with the Discipleship Sorrow of genuine mourning, they will also humbly cry out for the help they desperately need. They recognize they can’t do it themselves. They realize they’re spiritually incapable. Their pride is set aside and the Holy Spirit gives them what verse 6 calls a hunger and thirst for righteousness that proceeds the mercy, purity, peacemaking, and rejoicing that follows in the chapter. We want this for our children. You want this for your children. Now, before we talk about how to parent children into and through this sorrow, let me remind you about my book, Quit: How to Stop Family Strife for Good. This book is all about embracing Divine Sorrow and Discipleship Sorrow so that our families can put off the sin that results in strife. You can access the digital copy in the Evermind App for only $8, and you can get the softcover for only $10. One person observed that there are 500 pages worth of content in the short 100 pages of this book. It’s short and concise, but it also provides various resources in order for you to dig deeper into helping your family embrace the Discipleship Sorrow needed for change. Please get your copy today. In fact, buy a bunch of them for stocking stuffers. At only $10, it’s cheeper than a white elephant gift! Now, let’s discuss . . . 2. Parenting Children with Discipleship Sorrow First things first . . . A. Utilize all the previous parenting strategies we’ve discussed. As a quick review, this includes teaching and reminding your kids about any or all of the following: the relationship between God and suffering, what emotions are, what sorrow is, what suffering and loss are, how they are prone to respond to suffering, how to identify the loss, how to understand the kind of loss, and the kind of sorrow they’re experiencing. Those are the fundamental truths we all need to remember when we’re suffering. In regard to Daily Sorrow, we need to remind them to run to the Scriptures and how to trust God. Then we teach them to pray for wisdom, praise God, ask for help, and serve others. When they experience Discontented Sorrow, we can teach and/or remind them to identify the discontentment, and water them with the truth about the sin. And when they’re in the middle of Divine Sorrow, call them to believe God’s truth by submitting to it and warn them about the incoming temptations. As we call them to believe and submit to the truth about their sin . . . B. Invite the child experiencing Divine Sorrow to be grieved over their sin. Take them to Matthew 5 and James 4. Help them to truly understand the significance of their sin in light of Who God is. On the other hand, this is not a moment to emotionally manipulate anyone. We don’t want a snap decision being made because we were able to make them feel bad about what they did. No. This is about them truly understanding God’s awesomeness and love and beauty as well as their own sinful failure. Should those realities result in the grief and sorrow we discussed? Yes. But we’re not trying to make them feel something so much as we trying to help them believe something. That is key. You can emotionally manipulate people into doing just about anything when you “make them feel bad.” But we’re talking about presenting a collection of truths that are so stark and beautiful and awful and powerful that when we and our children submit to them, we can’t help but experience grief over the fact that we would ever snub them in the first place. This is a very important point, so I’m going to repeat it one more time. Inviting your child who is currently experiencing Divine Sorrow to be grieved over their sin is about sowing the seed of truth in their lives . . . not merely saying things to “make them feel bad.” Are we on the same page? Do you understand the difference between saying things to manipulate our kids’ emotions and presenting them the truth of God’s Word which will have the consequence of affecting their emotions? Good. Okay. C. Teach them to confess their sin. As we’ve discussed in depth in the Parent’s 5 Jobs Series and the Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference—both of which are linked in the description—we know that the reproof stage is the stage at which we’re helping our kids reinterpret how they responded in the situation. We’re persuasively trying to help them agree with God about their sin. Well, when a person agrees with God about what they believed, desired, thought, felt, said, or did . . . when they verbally agree with him, they are confessing. “I was wrong when I lied to you.” “I sinned when I took your toy.” “I should have trusted you instead of assuming the worst of you.” But confession is not all that is required of us. I’ve known far too many people who acquiesced to the biblical data that God said what they did was wrong, but there was no real change. We’ll get to this in a minute. D. Teach them to ask for forgiveness. We go over this in great detail in the two series I mentioned earlier, but we also have a two part episode called Teach Your Children to Apologize. This is stage two of a biblical apology. This is—Lord willing—when they realize that they owe a debt they cannot pay, and they humbly ask the person against whom they have sinned to forgive their debt, to wipe it clean. Of course, they have no control over what the other person will do, but it’s their responsibility to confess their sin and ask for forgiveness. But confession and a request for forgiveness are not all that is required of us. I’ve known far too many people who acquiesced to the biblical data that God said what they did was wrong, and they even went so far as to mouth an apology, but there was no real change. Therefore . . . E. Teach them to commit to repentance. In the aforementioned podcast series we go into significant detail about how to teach our kids about this, so I’m not really going into the necessary detail here. The key, though, is that our children understand what repentance is, the importance of it, and how to engage in it. And the first step is committing to pursuing it. In order to do this, they have to have acknowledged that they sinned and that sin is not acceptable—which is why they requested to be forgiven. If all of that is true, than they are clearly agreeing with the fact that they need to change; they need to stop sinning in that way. But let’s not leave it unspoken. Let’s tell the people against whom we’ve sinned that we are vowing to do our best to the glory of God and in the power of the Holy Spirit to actively change. Often times this involves actually soliciting the help of the person against whom we sinned. But confession, a request for forgiveness, and a commitment to change are not all that is required of us. I’ve known far too many people who acquiesced to the biblical data, made an apology, and promised to do better who never really changed. That’s because all of the things I just mentioned are basically scripts. Just like your child can memorize a script in which they claim to be Romeo or Juliet and profess their soon to be dying love of the other, a person can navigate this apology process in the same way. They can say, “I have sinned, please forgive me. I want to change,” and never mean it. Therefore, we need to help keep them accountable. One such way we do this is the Correction Phase of Biblical parenting F. Counsel them in how to correct their response to loss and embrace Daily Sorrow. There are two main categories in which our kids will fall. The first category is a child who’s experiencing Daily Sorrow but slid into Discontented Sorrow. By God’s grace the Divine Sorrow has produced Discipleship Sorrow, and by confessing, asking for forgiveness, and committing to change, they can reduce the sorrow in their lives. They no longer need to experience the Discipleship, Divine, or Discontented Sorrow, and they can return to pleasing the Lord in their response to the Daily Sorrow. The other possibility is that our kids weren’t experiencing Daily or Discontented Sorrow. Instead, they sinned in some other way that didn’t inherently include sorrow. Still, because they sinned they should have experienced Divine Sorrow and be called to engage in Discipleship Sorrow over their sin. Once this group has worked through that, they may either be set free from the sorrow they were experiencing, or there may be an appropriate Daily Sorrow as they navigate the consequences of their sin to the glory of God. But this is again where we must . . . G. Warn them of the incoming temptations. One such temptation is to believe lies and be deceived. Another is to once again become discontent. And another is to experience the sorrow we’re going to discuss next time . . . Deadly Sorrow. I Thessalonians 5:14 reads, “And we urge you, brothers, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.” If the child doesn’t respond to the Divine Sorrow with Discipleship Sorrow, the only other option is Deadly Sorrow, and it can rear its ugly head when we least expect it. But that is for next time. As we finish up today, let’s consider . . . 3. The Relationship Between Deceived Sorrow and Discipleship Sorrow There are two points I want to make here. A. We can be deceived in thinking that we’re experiencing Discipleship Sorrow when we’re actually not. The Rocky Heart in the Parable of the Soils knows things they don’t really believe, but they are convinced they have genuine faith. The Thorny Heart is known for its superficially emotional responses to truth. The end of Matthew 7 introduces us to people who honestly believed they had a relationship with God only to find out they were wrong. Isaiah teaches us that our hearts are wicked and deceptive. The Bible says that when we’re in our sin, we’re blind. With all of this truth and more, it is easy to conclude that we or our kids might believe we’re responding like a Disciple, but we’re not. The Deceived Sorrow we’re experiencing may be a superficial emotional response to having done wrong, but the genuine desire for actual change to the glory of God may not be there. On the other hand, there may be a mental ascent to the Bible and a desire to change for purely logical reasons that misses out on the God-focused necessity of true worship. In other words, their change may be self-focused and self-serving. This is one way Deceived Sorrow can replace Discipleship Sorrow. But there’s another. B. We can be deceived into believing lies about Divine Sorrow. We’re going to talk about this more next time because when we believe lies about Divine Sorrow and our current reproof, we won’t be able to help but experience Deadly Sorrow. Conclusion
Wow. You probably didn’t realize before that sorrow was such a multi-faceted concept. But as we study God’s Word and the human condition we realize that not all sorrow pleases the Lord, and some of it is beautiful and necessary. The Discipleship Sorrow that puts off sin, renews its mind, and puts on the character of Christ is a beautiful sorrow indeed.
Please share this series with your friends, and email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894 if our biblical counselors can help you and/or your family respond correctly to the Divine Sorrow in your lives. On our next episode, we’re going to look at the final form of Deceived Sorrow . . . Deadly Sorrow. Lastly, please don’t forget to check out our sponsors, buy yourself a copy of Quit, and prayerfully consider donating to this ministry. I’ll see you next time for the conclusion of the Parenting Sorrowing Children Series.
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