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TranscriptIntroduction
Welcome back to our series on Parenting Sorrowing Children. This series was inspired by a workshop I lead for the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors annual conference called Counseling Sorrowing Children.
You can listen to that workshop as well as all the other podcast episodes, radio interviews, and workshops I’ve done on the topic of emotions in a special resource on the Evermind App called The Doctrine of Emotion. If you use the link in the description of today’s episode, you can get free access to The Doctrine of Emotion. When this series is complete, it too will be added to that resource so that all the biblical truth concerning emotions can be found in one place. And speaking of the description of this episode, if you check it out you will find free episode notes, a transcript, and resources related to our discussion today. We can never fully appreciate and unpack the topics we attempt to cover in a mere 20 minutes. That’s why I curate a list of related episodes and online courses that will add on to each other, thus building a deeper and stronger foundation. Okay, so last time we reviewed the idea that Daily Sorrow is a very real occurrence in this life, but far too often we slip into a sinful type of sorrow called Discontented Sorrow. And then I suggested that one of the best ways to help your discontented child is to introduce them to a new form of sorrowing and invite them to experience it for themselves. “What is that sorrow?” you ask. It’s called Divine Sorrow. Topic
Now, before I unpack this, I want to mention something I probably should have mentioned last time.
I mentioned that a discontented child needs to be reproved, and I illustrated a number of passages to which you can take your child to help them see that they were not interpreting the situation correctly. But those of you who are familiar with The Parent’s 5 job Series or the Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference understand that the reproof stage of parenting also includes the stage at which we give consequences to our children in order for them to learn the vastly important lesson that sin hurts. If you’re unfamiliar with these concepts, I invite you to listen to our Consequences Series that steps through the biblical principles on the subject. However, I didn’t mention anything about consequences last time, and I probably should have. So, real quick, before diving into Divine Sorrow, let’s consider a couple important concepts about . . . 1. Reproving a Discontented Sorrower A. Secondary consequences aren’t always necessary when you’re teaching a truth for the first time. The Bible reveals that the presence of the Law is what shows us we’re a sinner. Before that, we’re incapable of understanding that our choices are sinful. If we haven’t ever shown our kids that their Discontented Sorrow is a sin, then there was nearly no way for them to have recognized they shouldn’t have done it. Therefore, in cases like this, it’s not always necessary to give those secondary consequences right away. But we should admonish them that there will be consequences in the future if they choose it ignore this reproof. When it is right to give consequences . . . B. It’s vital that our children understand that they are not receiving consequences for their Daily Sorrow. Yes, they’re sad about losing out on the opportunity of biking with their friends because their tire is flat. There are no consequences for that because there is an appropriate, Christ-honoring sorrow when we lose things. But when that child starts believing the lie that this situation is bad and unfair and that they shouldn’t have to experience it, they have given into Deceived Sorrow, and when they start griping about the situation, they are firmly in Discontented Sorrow. The consequences they’re receiving have nothing to do with the tire, the bike, the missed opportunities, or anything else associated with the reality of the situation. It has to do with them believing a lie and then acting on that lie by being discontent. And . . . C. Secondary Consequences should grow as disobedience grows. Yes, even though the next time your son or daughter believes the lie of Discontented Sorrow, they may likely be in the midst of a legitimately difficult Daily Sorrow, as long as they continually call God a liar in these situations, it will take more reproof, more teaching, and more Secondary Consequences to finally help them believe that they are sinning as they reject the God of suffering and His will for their suffering. Again, please listen to our Consequences Series and the related resources that are linked there. And—with that—let’s talk about this Divine Sorrow. 2. The Experience of Children with Divine Sorrow A. Divine Sorrow is conviction. In reference to the Holy Spirit, John 16:8 says, “And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment.” John 3:19-20 reveals that the light of God’s truth is a naturally convicting element. “And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. 20 For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed.” As was mentioned before, God frequently uses His people to do this. The same word translated “convict” in John 16 is translated “tell him his fault” in Matthew 18:5 which says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Of course, we will only be doing it well as we lean heavily on the Scriptures in our reproof. Ephesians 5:11 tells us, “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.” The word translated “expose” is the same Greek word translated “convict.” And—remember—the assumption is that we’re exposing the sin using the light of God’s Word which is the only truth that can adequately expose the darkness of sin. And what’s the point of this conviction? II Corinthians 7:9-10 reads “As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. 10 For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” We’ll talk about this more later, but this sorrow, this grieving is a good thing because it’s designed to lead to real heart change. And any of you who have experienced the conviction of truth via the Holy Spirit, His Word, and the Scriptures spoken by a loving friend understand that it is a heavy, sorrowful experience. So, Divine Sorrow is the conviction we experience as a result of the Holy Spirit working in our lives. And, though I probably should have talked about consequences last time, in God’s providence I believe it’s coming up here because our teaching and reproof (which includes consequences) are some of the main tools God uses bring about that conviction. B. Divine Sorrow is not a sinful sorrow. Daily Sorrow does not involve sin. Deceived and Discontented Sorrow are the results of sin and include other sinful actions. However, though it comes into our lives because of those sins, Divine Sorrow is not a sinful sorrow. This is the sorrow of God that reproves and disciplines us in our sin. This sorrow is the discomfort of being told that we’re wrong (reproved)—and subsequently feeling shame and guilt. And here is where we need to talk about . . . C. Shame and Sorrow I did a whole 5-part series all about Children and Shame. I’ve linked that series for your in the description of today’s episode so you can easily access it. Of course, all of our episodes are searchable at TruthLoveParent.com. In fact, you can also access this same information in The Doctrine of Emotions on the Evermind App. Anyway, in the Children and Shame series we look at some secular criticisms of shame, but then we also—and more importantly—dig into the Bible to understand what God says about shame. I highly encourage you to work through those truths because the biblical reality is that there is a Good Shame and there is a Bad Shame, and the good shame is a result of the conviction about which we’re talking here. In Isaiah 6:5 we see how Isaiah responded to his conviction. Upon seeing God in His unadulterated holiness he cried out, “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!” That is a beautiful picture of Divine Sorrow. Isaiah felt significant weight. He felt the shame of his uncleanness and the uncleanness of the people. He felt woe. The Oxford Dictionary defines woe as “great sorrow or distress.” This is the sorrow described in Matthew 5:3 where Jesus said “Blessed are the poor in spirit.” This is the Holy Spirit convincing a person that they are spiritually destitute. And that is a weighty reality. It’s a consequence of shame. So, be sure to check out the Children and Shame Series to learn more about good shame and how God wants to use it in our lives to draw us to Divine Sorrow. So, that’s what Divine Sorrow is. It’s the convicting work of the Holy Spirit via God’s people and His Word whereby we experience shame for our sin. And the particular sins over which we pray our kids will experience Divine Sorrow are their believing a lie about God and His plan for their suffering as well as their grumbling and complaining about a situation that God has brought into their lives for their good. Those are sins, and we should experience conviction when we’ve been reproved. Now, before we look at the practical ways to parent a child into and through Divine Sorrow, I want to remind you about our sponsor for this series, MyPillow. You already know that MyPillow has really quality products, and you know that they offer TLP listeners deep discounts when they use the promo code EVERMIND at checkout. But did you know that a percentage of your deeply discounted purchase of any number of amazing products is then given back to TLP? That’s right, your purchase using the promo code EVERMIND actually results in you financially blessing this ministry. And that financial blessing, whether it comes through MyPillow or through your direct donation is what supports my family and allows this ministry to continue producing the biblical parenting resources we do. And, let me tell you, we really need your help. The economic factors that plagued 2024 and Hurricane Helene have really taken their toll on my family and this ministry. I’ll be overly transparent with you, we’re running out of money, and we really need your help. Please consider how the Lord might have you support this ministry. It may be through monthly giving at TruthLoveParent.com/donate, or it may come as you buy new pillows for your family. Either way, will you please help? And now, let’s discuss . . . 3. Parenting Children with Divine Sorrow As much as we probably hate seeing our kids sorrow, Divine Sorrow is the first that we can be glad to see. That’s not to say that we don’t recognize that God is desirous to work through their Daily Sorrow, but the actual loss of the sorrow is sad. Discontented Sorrow is a bad thing, but we praise the Lord and invite our kids to experience Divine Sorrow because it’s what will help them eradicate the Discontented Sorrow and return to a right standing with the Lord. Also, Divine Sorrow doesn’t need to grow simply from Discontented Sorrow. Let’s say that your child stole something or failed to follow instructions. As you reprove your child and they become aware of the Primary Consequences of their choices (which all involve a loss), then it’s appropriate for them to experience Divine Sorrow. In fact, that’s actually the reason we’re reproving them in the first place. We want them to experience that Divine Sorrow. The idea is that since Divine Sorrow is biblical conviction, we want it to naturally follow sin. That sin may be the discontentment and lack of trust in God, or it may be any number of other sins they commit in a day. So, as you encourage your children to experience this sorrow . . . A. Utilize all the previous parenting strategies we’ve discussed. This statement bears repeating because it’s far too often for us parents to have a one-and-done mentality to our parenting. “Listen, I told you what you need to know, now do it and stop asking.” Sure, there are times a similar response might be appropriate if the child is deliberately trying to manipulate us or the situation, but generally speaking we humans are forgetful creatures. The younger versions of us are usually worse at that than we are. It’s necessary for us to teach and reteach in our parenting. We need constant reminders about God and His will; our kids need it more. Talk them through how their Daily Sorrow turned to discontentment. Help them understand that the conviction and guilt and shame they feel when reproved and confronted with the truth of the Scriptures is a good thing. Now, since the presence of Divine Sorrow is not a guarantee they will make the right choice moving forward . . . B. Call them to believe God’s truth by submitting to it. There’s a difference between knowing something and believing something. There’s also a difference between feelings of guilt and an actual desire to change. Though it’s possible to callous ourselves to guilt, it’s also possible that a person who at once felt guilty about their actions may redouble their dedication to discontentment or the sin they previously committed. That’s why we want to call them to make a choice for right. The goal to parenting our kids through Divine Sorrow is the same as our episode entitled “The Point of (nearly) Every Conversation.” I’ll link that episode for you if you’ve never heard it, but I’ll tell you right now that the goal toward which we should be moving in our reproof is to bring them to a point of decision. Are they going to believe the truth with which they’ve been confronted, or are they going to reject it. It’s not good enough to tell them things and have them listen. They need to choose to accept or reject the truth. Now, as I said, since the presence of Divine Sorrow is not a guarantee they will make the right choice moving forward, they might respond to the Divine Sorrow the wrong way. Therefore . . . C. Warn them of the incoming temptations. If the child experienced Daily Sorrow but didn’t respond to it the right way, she moved into Discontented Sorrow, but if by the grace of God she experienced His Divine Sorrow through the conviction of the Holy Spirit, it’s at this point that she can respond in one of two ways. One way will lead to repentance and change, the other will result in a further hardening of the heart and an increase in Deceived Sorrow. Therefore, it’s very important to . . . First, we need to intimately understand the kind of sorrow that is coming if they believe the truth and the kind of sorrow that is looming if they reject it. If we don’t understand it, we can’t adequately warn them. Since these are the next two forms of sorrow we’re going to cover in this series, we will unpack them both over the next two episodes. Second, we need to adequately reveal the fork in the road before our kids. We need to help them understand the consequences of rejecting reproof or the blessing of accepting it. One of the temptations we must set before our eyes is our final point for today. 4. The Relationship between Deceived Sorrow and Divine Sorrow So far we’ve learned that Deceived Sorrow convinces us that a Perceived Loss is a Practical Loss and justifies a delusional version of Daily Sorrow. But Deceived Sorrow is also the forerunner and progenitor of Discontented Sorrow. Because we’re believing a lie about the situation, God’s part in it, and our responsibility in it, we easily will become discontent and start complaining. But Deceived Sorrow can also weasel it’s way in Divine Sorrow. How might that happen? Well, remember that Deceived Sorrow is always the result of believing something that isn’t true. So, what kind of lies will be facing you and/or your kids when you’re experiencing sorrow? A. The reproof is untrue. This is fundamentally a rejection of God and His expectations for our lives. If we lie to ourselves that our parents don’t know what they’re talking about, or the person reproving us is misinterpreting the text of Scripture, or but the Bible doesn’t really say anything about this situation, or but my therapist says that my feelings are truth, or I simply don’t like what you’re saying . . . if we lie to ourselves like that, we will dismiss the reproof out of hand. And this happens a lot. Proverbs 12:1 says, “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, But he who hates reproof is senseless.” Proverbs 15:4 tells us, “An ignorant fool spurns his father’s discipline, But he who keeps reproof is prudent.” Proverbs 29:1 reveals the consequences of rejecting reproof, “A man who hardens his neck after much reproof Will suddenly be broken beyond healing.” Proverbs 5:10 is very scary when it says, “Grievous discipline is for him who forsakes the way; He who hates reproof will die.” This, my friends, is what I call Zombie Behavior. If you would like to learn more about that, please listen to our Parenting a Zombie Series. If you haven’t heard it before, you really don’t know what you’re missing or how important the information really is. If you have a child who repeatedly rejects your biblical reproof, you have a zombie on your hands, and it’s important to know their problem, diet, relationships, destruction, and—most importantly—their salvation. The key here is that Deceived Sorrow is going to multiply the sorrow in the situation by convincing the person that the authority figure or friend is no help, or—worse—harmful in their counsel. They will multiply their sorrow by believing that God is unloving that—if He exists—He’s a million miles away. They will experience the depression and despair of Deceived Sorrow if they trust their own way or the world’s failure philosophies to be their salvation. So, that’s one way that Deceived Sorrow will creep in. But there’s another one. Whereas one lie we can believe is that the reproof is untrue, even if we believe the reproof is true, we can still believe that . . . B. The reproof is unfair. This lie can look like this: The young child may whine, “It’s too hard,” or the older believer might lament that God has impossible expectations. This version of the “unfair deception” may acknowledge that the advice is accurate, but it’s just not possible. But there’s another way Deceived Sorrow distracts us from submitting to the truth. This version focuses on the inequity of consequences. For example, perhaps my sister said something unkind, so I ripped a pager out of her diary. Well, when she complains to my parents and I’m reproved for my actions, though I might not reject the truth of the reproof, I won’t be happy until she gets reproved too. And you better believe I think the consequences either need to be identical or that she needs heavier consequences than I do. And until that happens, I may be distracted from really pondering the sin in my own heart until I think that the reproof was fair. This is why Jesus in Matthew 7:3-5 tells us “And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” This kind of Deceived Sorrow will lead to distraction from the Divine Sorrow I’m supposed to be feeling, and if I don’t believe the situation was equitable, I will likely fall into Discontented Sorrow. We see this Deceived Sorrow at play when God confronted Adam, Eve, and Cain about their sin. When confronted, Adam and Eve blamed someone else. When confronted, Cain got angry and took it out on his brother. And what’s really important to observe about those situations is that God Himself was the one reproving the sinner. And still they chose to trust the lies of Deceived Sorrow instead of the truth of the rebuke. This is why it’s is important to warn our children of the lion in the streets that wants to consume them. This is why we must admonish them concerning the temptations they will experience—the temptations to believing lies, discontentment, zombie behavior, and sin. Conclusion
As we bring this episode to a close, let’s remember that our goal as parents isn’t to shield our kids from all forms of discomfort. Conviction, shame over sin, and Divine Sorrow are necessary for our kids to better know God and be conformed to His image.
So, please don’t just share this series with your friends, share it with your kids. Though the target audience of these biblical counseling sessions are you, the parents, the reality is that we can give in to Deceived Sorrow just like our kids can, and I try to make that clear throughout. I know of many parents who have shared these episodes with their children as a way for the whole family to learn these truths and be on the same page. I think that’s a great idea, and I often will assign children to listen to these parenting episodes as part of their counseling because the truth is that important. And—speaking of counseling—please email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894 if you would like personalized biblical counsel for you and/or your family. And, of course, join us next time as we talk about the second to last form of sorrow. This sorrow is another one we want our kids to experience. It’s the sorrow we experience when we respond correctly to the Divine Sorrow. I’ll see you then.
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