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TranscriptIntroduction
Welcome to our final episode in this short series about parenting your kids to adulthood. I’m so glad you’ve walked this road with us. If you haven’t heard all of the episodes, I strongly encourage you to start from the beginning and work your way through.
But, you know what’s even more important than walking this road with me? It’s walking this road with your kids. Let’s be honest, it’s very easy to listen to a podcast. It’s pretty easy to understand the material if it’s presented well and if you’re working to comprehend it. But wisdom is not the accumulation of knowledge, nor is it vast understanding. Wisdom is the application to life of what we know and understand. Wisdom is using the information we have in Christ-honoring ways. That means that it’s no good to learn the motivations and methods of parenting your kids to adulthood if you’re not doing it. So, today’s episode is our last attempt (for now) to make this super practical so that you have no excuse to not put it into practice. To that end, our free episode notes, transcript, and related resources will help you take your parenting to the next biblical level so that you can better worship the Lord in your parenting while you spiritually benefit your children. But before we dive in, I want to take a quick moment to thank our sponsors who have committed to this series from the beginning. The first is the Great Homeschool Convention which will be in Greenville, SC from March 13th to the 15th. I’ll be exhibiting and speaking at this conference. Then from May 22nd through the 24th in Winston-Salem, NC, the Thrive Homeschool Conference will take place. I’ll also be exhibiting and speaking at that conference. Of course, we have MyPillow who is offering deep discounts and supreme specials to all Evermind Ministries listeners. All you have to do is visit MyPillow.com and use the coupon code EVERMIND at checkout. If you visit MyPillow.com/evermind, I believe the coupon code will be automatically applied for you. And finally, I would like to tell you about “Quit: How to Stop Family Strife for Good.” We all have strife in our families because we all have people in our families, and the Bible teaches that all people are sinners and strife is the unavoidable consequence of sin. Since strife is absolutely everywhere, I wrote this short book to collect and present what the Bible has to say about the Cure for strife. You can buy it for limited time on Amazon for only $10, and you can get the digital version on the Evermind App for only $8. And those are our sponsors for the day. Now, let’s wrap up the loose ends, talk about how to transition our new young adults to higher levels of spiritual maturity, and answer your questions. Topic
1. Transitioning an Immature Child to Young (Immature) Adulthood
Let’s start by reminding ourselves of a few Scripture passages that all utilize an important Greek word for children. In I Corinthians 3:1 Paul writes, “I, brothers, was not able to speak to you as to spiritual men, but as to fleshly men, as to infants in Christ.” Hebrews 5:13-14 says something very similar: “For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant. 14 But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern both good and evil.” I Corinthians 11:13, “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child. When I became a man, I did away with childish things.” And in Ephesians 4:14-15 Paul tells us that “We are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming, 15 but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, that is Christ.” Here are a couple points I should have emphasized more in the previous episodes. I’m going to frame these lessons in a metaphor. How do you know your child is mature enough to carry and use a pocket knife? Well, you shouldn’t give them one if you haven’t taught them how to use it correctly. You shouldn’t give it to them if you haven’t taught them about the many dangers that come with using one. Within that teaching, you have to do a lot of reproof early on because it’s all new information, and wielding a knife is no laughing matter. So, you teach and reprove, teach and reprove, and you take the knife back when the lesson is over because they’re still learning. Over time, the child becomes more adept and more trustworthy. Eventually, you decide to allow your child to carry the knife with them as long as they will abide by the rules you’ve given them for the times and ways they’re allowed to use the knife. Of course, you’re always providing accountability. You should never expect what you’re too lazy to inspect. So, since you’re checking up on them, when and if your child doesn’t follow the rules, there needs to be more reproof. Given the danger of carrying a knife and the potential real harm, the reproof likely needs to be accompanied by consequences—potentially losing knife privileges for a time. Now, we would hope that the child becomes more and more trustworthy as he or she consistently uses the knife the right way. The more faithful they are, the more we trust them to make wise decisions with the knives. Now, this is not to say they will never mess up, make a foolish decision, hurt themselves, and the like, but there’s a natural progression from foolish, untrustworthy, and dangerous to wise, trustworthy, and careful. So, yes, that’s the metaphor, and, yes, all of that can be applied practically to giving your child a knife. But I want to replace the knife in this example with something else. However, instead of replacing the knife with an item or an experience, I want to replace it with the concept of independence. We would be utter fools to give an infant complete independence from us. They would die. They are completely incapable of caring for themselves let alone making any wise decisions. But there should definitely come a time when our children can brush their teeth independently—and I mean in the right way and for the right reasons. They should be able to independently make wise eating choices. They should be able to independently make wise entertainment choices, friend choices, school choices, and the like. Our goal as parents is to give them the tool of independence as they prove they are able to wield it safely for the glory of God. But here’s the thing, just like you need to actually hand your young child a knife in order to determine if they are old enough to learn to use it wisely, and you have to let them hold on to it for a while in order to determine if they are wise enough to wield it well without your direct supervision, you have to do the same with independence. You cannot know if your child is mature enough to make independent choices if you never allow them to make independent choices. In fact, I would argue that a child cannot learn to make Christ-honoring independent choices without actually being required to make Christ-honoring independent choices. All of this to say, at some point we need to stop doing everything and mandating everything for them. We have to stop making all of their decisions. We have to stop protecting them from everything . . . and we have to start preparing them to protect themselves. We have an episode called Prepare Your Kids. Don’t Protect Them. | fighting the urge to shelter your kids. The link for that episode will be in the description will all the other resource links today. Now, this is super hard for parents to do. On one hand, there often is a very subtle spectrum from complete inability to complete ability. Regardless of the discipline, it may take years for the child to move from utter ineptitude to competent proficiency. But the other temptation is that many kids who should be proficient, simply don’t want to be. And so there’s this two-edged temptation for parents to just continue dictating everything in their child’s life because they don’t believe the child capable or mature enough to actually do it. On the other hand, there are also too many parents who thrust their children into independence where they child is completely in control of every facet of their lives, and even though the child proves he’s not ready yet, the parents are too detached and/or lazy to really care. And—of course—there is every possible shade in between those extremes. So, in order to simplify this point, if we are teaching our kids how they can know God’s will for their lives and then actually submit to that will in their lives, we absolutely need to give them opportunities to move from mere knowledge and understanding to actual wise usage. We have to step back and let them take that step. Sure, we’re there to help them if they fall, but we’re preparing them to know God and follow Him for themselves. When they succeed, we praise the Lord, applaud, and continue teaching. When they fail, we reprove. If they are mature enough to want to change and do better, we can then start correcting them, and when they have proven themselves willing participants who are faithfully becoming more and trustworthy, our job becomes training. Just so you know, what I just said about teaching, reproving correcting, and training is a very quick overview of our Parents 5 Jobs Series, which is an overview of our Biblical Parenting Essentials Series. By the way, thank you for making it to our final episode of this series. I’d like to reward all of your hard work and give you free access to the Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference which is available to watch on the Evermind App. Just follow the link in the description. Okay, so, this slow progression from greater dependency to greater independency is the process of parenting your kids to adulthood. When you have a biblical mindset about the necessity of the trajectory and the timeframe in which God created their maturity to happen, and when you understand the biblical definition of adulthood, and when you recognize the biblical expectations, the process of working them toward greater and greater responsibility and independence makes a lot more sense. Now, before we get to your questions, let me preemptively answer some questions I have encountered in the past. First, let’s start with those of you who have kids younger than 13. Regardless of whether your kids are professing Christians or not, and regardless of how old they are, you really should start parenting your kids to adulthood by daily parenting them in the Gospel, teaching them Who their Creator is, helping them understand who they are and how they must submit to Him, and calling them to really believe those truths and—thereby—live them out. You also need to give them opportunities to make those decisions. Whether they fail or succeed, the process—and how you parent them through it—is vital. Now, if your kids are professing Christians, and they’re younger than 13, I would say you’re in an even better place because—for the first time in their lives—they are actually capable of biblical obedience. They can now finally do the right things in the right ways for the right reasons and in the right power. You can learn about biblical obedience and the absolute necessity of spiritual life in our Teach Your Children to Obey Series. Like we’ve discussed, you need to set an expectation for your kids that they need to be moving into consistent maturity as they turn 13. Set the expectation, and work the process along that trajectory. Teach, reprove, correct, and—Lord willing—train. And just like the knife, this is a subtle process where you’re taking your hands off little by little as they prove themselves obedient. You provide oversight and accountability not because they are incapable, but because we all need assistance, and as they prove themselves to be trustworthy, you can lessen the oversight. But that doesn’t mean you should lessen the accountability. Accountability is absolutely necessary for all of God’s children within the community He created for us. Accountability stays, oversight and direction fade away. A very general target I shared early on in this series is that a child should be making more wise choices than foolish choices—like at least a 60-40 split—before I will give my blessing for them to function as a young adult. I’ll give more reasoning behind this in our next point. So, that’s what I would do if my child were younger than 13. But . . . Second, what about those of you whose kids are older than 13 and you haven’t yet transitioned them to young adulthood? Well, regardless of their age, if they aren’t a born again believer, you need to continue being a Gospel Parent. You should check out our Evangelism Parenting Series as soon as possible. And—like I said before—though you might have waited longer than you should to transition them, there’s absolutely no reason you shouldn’t start now. We don’t give up just because we’re starting a few years late. There will be different challenges now, but it’s completely doable. Now, if I were in the position where I hadn’t started transitioning my kids to adulthood by the time they turned 13, I would sit down with my child, explain what God is teaching me about this subject, and then set an expectation that God and I want them to grow into the spiritual maturity to match their current physical maturity. To that end, depending on the child, I might give a year deadline. That should give us enough time to not only cover the important information, but also substantiate that whatever change in behavior we observe isn’t just a flash in the pan. But a year might not be long enough for some kids. Given the level of their current spiritual immaturity, you might want to set 18 as the ribbon toward which their running. But I would also encourage you to move that goal closer if they start really taking responsibility for their spiritual maturity and they start functioning as a young adult earlier than projected. The key here is that you’re looking for every opportunity for your child to practically use what you’re teaching them. A personal example of this are my kids and their food. For years they knew that their adulthood ceremony was going to come when they were 13—if they were being faithful—and they knew that they needed to be growing in that maturity and faithfulness now. So, my wife and I would frequently give the kids opportunities to make decisions for themselves. For example, what they were going to eat for breakfast or lunch. We taught them the kinds of things they should be eating and why. We discussed the biblical truths concerning gluttony and the stewardship of our health. We then asked them what kinds of eating choices should a spiritually mature adult be making. They both were easily able to provide wonderful answers. So, now the question would be . . . are they going to actually put those principles into practice. I remember the days we gave both our son and then later our daughter permission to choose their own breakfast and lunch meals on the days we didn’t eat together as a family. Did they always make the best decisions? No. How do I know? Because my wife and I provided accountability. We didn’t smack them down the first day they chose a poor breakfast. But after a week of that, yes, we sat down with them to review the choices they made. We asked them to judge for themselves how they’ve been doing, and we reproved where necessary. I can’t remember the last time I had an issue with the foods my kids make and eat for themselves. It has been years and years since I made that kind of food choice for them. Of course, like everything else in their lives, I monitor and provide accountability, so—yes—sometimes I will ask, “Have you eaten any fruits or vegetables today?” But you know what, I’m humble and honest enough to admit that both of my kids are far more Christ-honoring with their eating than I often am. And, yes, my son is off a college, and I have no idea what he’s eating, but I trust that he’s making mostly wise choices because he has a history of faithfulness. But what if I dictated to them every meal, and then when they turned 18, announced they were free to make all of their own eating choices? I’ll tell you what would happen. They would’t have been prepared to glorify God with their eating . . . just like the vast majority of professing Christians in America. Now, I’ve been going for a while on this first point, and we still have the second point and your questions to answer. But don’t worry. The detail we’ve covered in this first point will make the second very easy to answer. So, let’s do that now. 2. Transitioning a Young (Immature) Adult to Mature Adulthood Congratulation, you have finally given your son or daughter your blessing to transition from childhood to young adulthood. But you and they understand that though they may be adults, they are not as mature as they should be. They are not functioning Christ-honoringly enough to have full control of everything in their lives. Part of this is due to ignorance of many practical adult responsibilities like bookkeeping and car maintenance (which you should totally be teaching them now), but also because they still make a lot of foolish choices. So, what does helping them continue to mature from less mature adulthood to more mature adulthood look like? Well, it takes the same thing you and I need. It takes exactly what you’ve been given them up until this point. They need to be educated about the will of God and how to glorify Him. When they fail to make biblically wise choices, they need truthful and loving reproof. When they soften their hearts and recognize that they still have a lot of immaturity that needs to be worked away, you correct them, and then you continue training them as they participate in the process. Lord willing, the biggest difference between parenting a child to adulthood and parenting a less mature adult to more mature adulthood is that you’re teaching and reproving and correcting less and less, and you’re training more and more. However, if you find yourself unable to train your child because they’re not participating, if they aren’t interested in correcting their beliefs, desires, actions, words, and feeling, and if you find yourself having to continually teach and reprove, teach and reprove . . . then you can know for certain that your child is not functioning as an adult . . . they’re living like a foolish child who shouldn’t be allowed to brandish the tool of independence to their harm. We’ll talk more about this scenario in our last point for today when we answer some of your questions. For now though, the basic formula for parenting your young adult to deeper levels of maturity is decreased direction and increased counsel. I like to put it this way, more and more commands become counsel. Now, before we move to your questions, let’s talk about the tightrope of parenting a young adult. You have the exact same ditches on each side of this. You can command too much and dictate their lives so that they’re not functioning as an adult at all, or you can give them too much freedom and independence that they’re not ready to maturely wield. The only difference now is that the rope is higher off the ground. The failures of a nineteen year old tend to be more life-altering than the failures of a nine year old. You and they have farther to fall. Therefore, one of the huge blessings of starting your little children on the road to maturity by learning when and how you can allow a command to become counsel so they can exercise their spiritual muscles to make wise choices for themselves is that you’re learning and growing yourself. Doing this successfully with a child should result in you doing this better with a young adult when there’s more at stake were they to make a really bad choice. And—by the way—as a biblical counselor, let me tell you that more and more kids are leaving the home at 18 only to prove to their parents that they never really did want to follow God. Every day I witness what happens when parents don’t rear their kids for adulthood early and often, and I don’t want that for you or your kids. It’s so easy to take the lazy Christian parent route believing that what I just said is happening to other people’s kids definitely won’t happen to yours . . . only to discover that you were a fool for believing that. You only have the kids you have. They’re not experiments. They’re real people that God created and for whom He has a will. You need to worship the Lord by faithfully parenting them into the maturity He desires of them. So, as a recap, parenting your young adults to deeper levels of spiritual maturity follows an identical progression to parenting your kids to adulthood. The difference is that hopefully you’re both more mature now, your commanding less and less and counseling more and more, and you’re both watchful because you understand just how dangerous poor adult decisions can be. Now, let’s end today by . . . 3. Answering Your Questions What happens when they turn 18? I’ll answer this question in two ways. A. If they’re a functioning Christ-honoring young adult, then nothing much should change. The only thing I plan to do for my son is get his money transferred into his own bank account and get him a credit card in his name. Please don’t freak out when I say credit card. My son doesn’t have to use the Ramsey envelop system because we’ve been teaching him his whole life how to glorify God with this finances. He uses a credit card like a debit card, only he’s building amazing credit in the meantime. We also plan to take him to the DMV so he can finish off procuring his full-blown driver’s license. Other than that, nothing much is going to change in our relationship. He still has not been given our blessing to be fully out from under our Inherent Parental Authority. Therefore, even though he’s at college, we have expectations for his grades and eating and relationships and entertainment. We’re doing our best to provide accountability, and we’re moving toward the day when he will be out from under our parenting authority. However, B. What about the kids who claim they don’t have to be under your Inherent Authority anymore because they’re 18? Well, first, that child has definitely proven that they’re not functioning as a Christ-honoring adult. Second, they still can’t avoid your Inherited Authority. Third, it’s true that if they choose to leave the house, you can’t legally make them come back—at least in America. But, fourth, that’s not really your biggest problem at the moment. Their actions are merely a consequence of their very dark, deceived, and dead heart. I would also want to ask where is your parenting community in all of this? Why haven’t they been helping prepare your child for this moment? Will they now surround that child with loving reproof and rebuke, following the pattern our Lord laid out in Matthew 18, and go to them seeking repentance? I hope so. By way of review, turning 18 in American is just another opportunity to reduce your control and increase your counsel. Next question . . . Is it appropriate to give adult children consequences? It depends. Are they out of your home and therefore out from under your Inherent Authority? Then no, you’re not really giving them consequences like you would when they were younger. That doesn’t mean that the Primary Consequences of sin aren’t in their lives, and that doesn’t mean that there won’t be practical, real life consequences of their choices, but you aren’t meting them out as an authority figure any more than you would do so in my life. However, just because your 16 year old had her adulthood ceremony three years ago, doesn’t mean that you don’t give her consequences when she sins. Here’s why. First, she’s a young adult who has not yet been given your full blessing to come out from under your Inherent Authority. You haven’t completely moved out of that role. Second, she’s under your Inherent Authority as her landlord. It may sound strange to say it that way, but I can’t tell you how many parents I’ve met who feel uncomfortable having an expectation for their 18, 19, and much older children who still live in the home. Listen, if they live under your roof, then it’s completely appropriate for you to have expectations for their behavior and to give them consequences when they don’t obey. Secular landlords do this with their properties. You’re not allowed to have a dog in most, and they will fine you and potentially evict you if you break the rules enough. So, yes, an adult child regardless of their age—if they live in your home—should submit to your expectations and should receive consequences when they don’t. By the way, if you don’t know what I mean by Inherent and Inherited Authority, please listen to our Authority Series. And if you don’t know what I mean about Primary and Secondary Consequences, please listen to our Consequences Series. And the final question for the day . . . What happens when a young person you thought was acting like an adult really messes up? I alluded to this earlier, and it happens frequently for two main reasons. The first reason this happens is that we incorrectly believed our kids were more mature than they were. This—in many ways—is the pandemic of parenting. We’re too superficial and lazy and uninformed about what it takes to parent a child into Christlikeness. The second reason a young adult may really mess up is that they’re a sinner. We’re all sinners. We’re all at-risk, because we’re all one decision away from disobeying God and destroying our lives. Just consider the number of well-known elderly pastors who have fallen in recent days. So, I will posit three responses that should be the same regardless of how old an adult is or what sin they committed. 1. The adult needs reproof. That reproof needs to include teaching and rebuke. Primary Consequences have occurred, so there is a very good chance there will need to be Secondary Consequences. All of this reproof is—Lord willing—moving toward correction. Of course, we can’t cross that bridge between reproof and correction until the individual confesses, apologizes, and commits to repentance. The following two points deal with a facet of the consequences that may result from their choice. 2. The adult may need the consequences of a repentant individual. A truly repentant individual shouldn’t just be given carte blanch to continue making the same decisions that lead to their sin. They need accountability and oversight in those areas. This is common sense. A pastor who has failed in money matters, should recognize that he must stop overseeing the church’s budget. The other elders and deacons and congregation should support him losing those privileges. Of course, this all assumes the individual recognizes their failure, and wants to glorify God and mature in this area. Otherwise . . . 3. The adult may need the consequences of an unrepentant individual. An unrepentant person is a scorner, they’re a fool, they’re the exact opposite of a spiritually mature adult. They’re functioning as a foolish, sinful, child. Such a person should not be trusted to wield any form of independence for their good or anyone else’s good. You might say, “Well, Aaron, that’s pretty harsh to say.” But you do agree with this point. There is a huge category of physically mature adults who are not allowed to function as adults. They’re people in assisted living, those who have dementia, those who have cognitive issues that result in them making dangerous decisions for themselves. In all of those cases, you support family, doctors, and nurses protecting them from themselves. So, please explain to me how the conscious, high-handed sin of an unrepentant adult is any less dangerous than the mindless poor choices of a dementia patient or an individual with extreme downs syndrome? Now, practically speaking, were I to bottom out like that, there is little you can do to remove from me the adult responsibilities I have. However, I promise you that my board would remove me from my position. My church should step in and have a say in how I’m managing my family. Your church shouldn’t extend an invitation to me to speak, So, yes, a celebrity pastor may have failed in the arena of sexuality, but—not only does that disqualify him from ministry—if he’s unrepentant, he shouldn’t be trusted to Christ-honoringly glorify the Lord in any of his other choices. So, when it comes to your young person, they may be a scorner who needs the title and independence associate with being a young adult revoked. But if they’re genuinely repentant and willing to submit to loving reproof for the sake of the glory of God, then most of the oversight and accountability will likely occur in the affected areas of their lives and doesn’t necessarily have to impact everything in their lives. Conclusion
This was our longest episode in a while, but I wanted to make sure we covered all of our basis so that you have all the information you need to parent your kids to adulthood.
But don’t forget that were here to answer your specific needs. You can email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894. Also, if you’re homeschooler who lives on the East Coast, please consider signing up for the Great Homeschooling Convention and/or the Thrive Conference. And all of you should go to MyPillow.com to see the products they offer and get your amazing discounts. You should also purchase a copy of “Quit: How to Stop Family Strife for Good.” And all those links are in the description. And—lastly—please join us for our next series entitled “Parenting Sorrowing Children.” I’ll see you then.
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