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Episode Notes
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To access Scott Aniol's documents, please click here: Coming of Age Ceremonies Can Help Your Adolescent Children Become Adults
TranscriptIntroduction
There are only two episodes left in our Parenting Your Kids to Adulthood series. Today we’re going to talk about the Adulthood Ceremony where you and your new adult and your family and friends come together to celebrate this coming of age into biblical adulthood.
And then on our next episode we will do a little housekeeping as we answer any questions that may not have been answered on the other episodes. The main focus of the episode is going to be about practically transitioning your son or daughter from a child to a young adult and then again from young/immature adulthood to more mature adulthood. Your job as a parent isn’t done just because your child is more mature than they used to be. Now, I don’t normally do this, but if you’ve been listening to this series and have questions that still haven’t been answered, if they’re not answered by the end of today’s show, please email us at [email protected], and we will make sure your question is answered. We may answer it on Part 7 if it’s a short answer, but even if your question requires a longer answer, we will make sure we answer it for you to the best of our ability. And—speaking of answers—every episode in this series provides you with free notes, full transcripts you can go back and read, and tons of related resources including podcast episodes and online course to help you grow in all of the areas we’ve discussed. We also have the same four series sponsors to tell you about, but I’m going to share their amazing resources at different points during the show. So, let’s get started. Topic
The majority of today’s topic is not directly biblical. What I mean is, you’re not going to find verses commanding any of this, and you’re not going to find illustrations of people doing these things.
However, we’ve been talking about the expectations, commands, and principles all throughout Scripture that need to inform and direct our parenting. The topic today is less about God’s specific expectations for an Adulthood Ceremony and more about profitable ways to celebrate God’s work in your child as well as excite them and temper them for what lies ahead. These are practical ideas that aren’t biblical necessary, but I believe will encourage and equip your child in Christ-honoring ways. I also want to say that the majority of the ideas I gleaned for my son’s Manhood Ceremony and my daughter’s Womanhood Ceremony came from Scott and Becky Aniol. Some of you will remember that I had them on my show a while back to help answer the question of whether you should homeschool your kids this fall. I’ll include a link to that interview in the description of today’s episode. But I’m also going to include two articles that were written by Scott. The first is called “Manhood Ceremony for a Boy Becoming a Man.” It was the first article he wrote on the subject when his son turned 13. He wrote another article 2 years later when his daughter turned 13. That article is called “Coming of Age Ceremonies Can Help Your Adolescent Children Become Adults.” I leaned heavily on both of these articles when working with my own kids and preparing their coming of age ceremonies. But my kids were the same age as his kids, so now I encourage people just to read the second article. Either way, they’re both linked for you in the description. Scott Aniol has a masters degree in theological studies, a masters degree in aesthetics, and a PhD in worship theology. He is the Executive Vice President and Editor-in-Chief of G3 Ministries. Becky has a PhD in Christian Education and speaks all over the world. In fact, she and I will both be speaking at the Great Homeschooling Convention in Greenville, SC this year. She and Scott have 4 children. Becky has and is homeschooling them all. And Scott and Becky have a podcast called Living Homeschool Life. Now, that’s all extra info in case you’re interested to know a little more about the people who created this version of an Adulthood Ceremony. I say, “this version” because—as I mentioned earlier—there are many ways one could go about this ceremony. However, I believe the ceremonies Scott and Becky put together for their kids hit all the right biblical notes. That’s why I used their format and why I would encourage you to do the same. But before we talk about the ceremony itself, I want to quickly consider the value these events can have. First, let’s talk about a rite of passage. A friend of the show, Frank Ruscio and his family are missionaries in Papua New Guinea. On his most recent update video, he and his son talked about this rite of passage in which the locals participate. According to the ones in the know, once a year all of the eligible young men go out to an island off the coast, and they stay there for at least a month. According to Frank, everyone in the village says that they don’t drink any water while they’re out there, but they only eat some dried food. I think Frank is as confused as you and I are, but he testified that they do come back all “skin-and-bones.” He also said that the goal is to toughen the up and make them more self-dependent. Now, there have been as many rites of passage as there have been people groups to have them. In movies they always seem intense as they are designed to weed out the weak from the strong. I suppose that’s exactly why there is no national rite of passage in affluent first world countries. In many ways, far too many of us are comparatively weak, but we don’t really mind because our struggles aren’t the same as their’s are. So, the closest we have to a rite of passage is graduating from school. But whereas graduating from high school used to be an achievement, the goal posts were pushed back to college graduation, and then to their post-graduate work. So, when exactly does the rite of passage take place? Well, whenever you think you crossed that line, it was probably way past 18. Even the idea of getting a driver’s license is different in various states and isn’t required to be identified as a man or woman. Therefore, it doesn’t really count either. As a society, we have no legitimate rite of passage into adulthood, but that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be one. The Adulthood Ceremony isn’t the rite of passage. It’s the Coming of Age Ceremony that comes after the successful completion of the rite. For the men in Papua New Guinea, they celebrate with tons of rice and roasted pigs when the young men return. Though this episode isn’t about a rite of passage, in this case, I would suggest that the expectations for consistent spiritual maturity coupled with the direct Adulthood Training expectations is a great start. From there, you and your family can add whatever other expectations you think will test your child’s readiness for the next phase of their life. This concept of a rite of passage is so important because it sets a clear goal and trajectory. It requires that we teach our kids and help prepare them for that goal. It’s something that’s both tied to a calendar date and a biblical expectation. It’s important, and a rite of passage—a test—helps with the gravitas of the situation. Scott Aniol doesn’t necessary refer to a rite of passage, but he describes it this way, “Several years ago, we began to intentionally read with each of our older children books we felt would help them cultivate godly disciplines, deal with struggles they’re facing, or simply grow in their knowledge of Scripture, personal holiness, and love for Christ. We’ve read things like What Is the Gospel by Greg Gilbert, The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality by Luke Gilkerson, Disciplines of a Godly Young Man by R. Kent Hughes, Feminine by Design by Scott Brown, and Core Christianity by Michael Horton, among other things. These have been wonderful opportunities to have significant conversations. “Then over the six months or so leading up to their thirteenth birthday, I began to specifically plan what we would do to mark the occasion. For Caleb, I benefited from reading Raising a Modern-Day Knight: A Father’s Role in Guiding His Son to Authentic Manhood by Robert Lewis and modeled Kate’s in similar ways as well. We talk with the kids about marks of godly manhood and womanhood as they enter this stage of life.” This is part of that direct Adulthood Training part of the preparation. And when our kids show us they’re maturing into adulthood by the power of God, then we really have something to celebrate. And then the importance of the actual Coming of Age Ceremony is to celebrate the momentous achievement. It’s a celebration of God, the young adult, the parents, and the broader parenting community. It’s a joyous occasion worthy of more pomp and circumstance than a milestone birthday or graduation. The two most important decisions a person can ever make is the decision to submit to God and the decision to marry. The Adulthood Ceremony is—hopefully—an extension of the first. Now, I am not going to say that you should never have an Adulthood Ceremony for a child that doesn’t profess salvation. As sad as that is, there are equally important steps that child should be making in their maturity—ones that we hope will be part of them eventually submitting to Christ. I would also remind us that spiritual and cognitive maturity are not tied to age. Therefore, becoming a biblical adult is not tied to age. This ceremony is not guaranteed simply because your children turn 13. They have to have successfully navigated the preparations and the rite of passage. In such cases, I would postpone the Adulthood Ceremony until the young person is more spiritually and/or cognitively mature. If you have specific questions about the unique needs of your own child, please never hesitate to contact us at [email protected] for the questions I simply can’t answer here on the show. But the focus of today’s show is going to be for a young person who has both professed to be a Christian and who is trying to mature in the power of the Holy Spirit for the glory of the Father. Now before we get into the 4-fold considerations for the ceremony itself, I want to thank MyPillow for sponsoring this series. They have an amazing offer right now all for Truth.Love.Parent. listeners. Their classic MyPillow normally costs around $50, but right now when you use the code EVERMIND at checkout, you can purchase the standard MyPillow for only $14.98. The queen version of the pillow only costs $18.98, and the king costs only $1 more than that! But there are so many ofter amazing discounts you can get on a wide variety of other products, so please visit MyPillow.com/evermind to get these deals. When you invest in our show sponsors, they keep investing in us. You get great products, and we get the financial boost we need to keep this show on the air. Okay, so the first few points are the easy ones. Let’s start with . . . 1. The Goal As was already mentioned, please make this Ceremony about God. This is not merely a party where we’re just here to have fun. You don’t set up a bounce house at this event. Now, I’m not saying there shouldn’t be some sort of fun after the ceremony, but the ceremony itself has a purpose, and that goal has 4 parts. 1. We want to praise the Lord for His person and His work in your child. 2. We want to honor your child for submitting to the Lord and working toward His glory. 3. This is a time to show love toward the others in your child’s life who have significantly contributed to the reaching, reproof, correction, and training that have brought them to this point. 4. And, yes, this is also a tacit celebration of you, mom and dad, for submitting to God’s expectations for your parenting. Should you plan a moment to pat yourself on the back? No. Will anyone take the time to do it for you? Maybe. But that’s not the point. As a biblical parent, the experience itself is more than enough. Our second sponsor for the day is my new book, “Quit: How to Stop Family Strife for Good." Quit is now available for a limited time for only $10 on Amazon, and a digital copy can be accessed on the Evermind App for only $8. I really hope you’ll get your eyes on this book. It’s been a labor of love for me to help families worship God better by addressing the strife in their homes. Our second consideration for the Ceremony is . . . 2. The People Who should be invited to this party? Well, obviously, we want to invite the men and/or women who have intentionally and consistently influenced your child for the Lord. Hopefully this will include family, people in your church, Christian friends, and the others we discussed in our community episode. But what about your child’s friends? This might be a tricky one. If your child has friends who parent’s are part of your parenting community, and you’re all on the same page about rearing your kids to adulthood, those young people should definitely be there. But what about your child’s other friends—the kids on their team or the young people in their class? Again, this is not just a party where everyone amuses themselves. This is a significant celebration of an act of God in your child’s life and them graduating out of childhood into adulthood. To be honest, most of their friends likely will not really get what’s going on because their parents haven’t been rearing them to be adults. But that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be there. This is an opportunity to do something really grown up—to invite their friends to be exposed to the Gospel. Unfortunately for Micah, his Manhood Ceremony occurred during the lockdowns, so we did it virtually. Therefore, the only people who attended were those who had a part in the ceremony, but some of those men had their younger sons join them on the Zoom call because it was a chance for those young people to see an example of someone who was maturing and hopefully spark a desire in them to do the same. As always, you need to consider how many people should be there. There’s no reason to feel like you have to rent out a hall. This can be as small and intimate as you want it to be. But I would also caution you not to invite so many young people that it becomes a distraction if they aren’t mature enough to appreciate what’s going on. Now, some of the people in attendance are really just spectators, but others may have an opportunity to make a presentation or speak a word while they’re there. We’ll talk more about this in our last consideration. For now, though, I want you to know that the Thrive Homeschooling Conference is running from May 22nd to the 24th. I will be presenting two workshops at that conference, and I will have a booth there. The link for more information about the North Carolina Thrive Homeschooling Conference will be in the description. Now it’s time to talk about a very exciting topic . . . 3. The Food Actually, this isn’t really that big of a deal. I suggest, though, definitely having a meal your son or daughter will really enjoy. In his article, Scott Aniol shares that they served BBQ brisket at their son’s ceremony and had a formal tea at their daughter’s. Again, these aren’t expectations; they’re simply one man’s example of things his children would love. What’s funny is that no one in my family can remember what we ate during either of my kid’s ceremonies. Now, our last one was nearly three years ago, and the one before that was nearly six years ago. According to my daughter, “My memory of my the rest of the Womanhood Ceremony overshadows what I ate.” Needless to say, if the food is the biggest take away from the ceremony, there may have been some priority issues. But that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be delicious and fun in the moment because eating and celebrating are intrinsically linked by God. I go into greater detail about this phenomenon in the introductory episodes of The Celebration of God podcast. Before we look at our final point for the day, please let me remind you about another of our sponsors, the Great Homeschooling Convention. The convention will run from March 13th through the 15th in Greenville, SC. Truth.Love.Family. will be exhibiting there, I’ll be selling and signing special-price copies of Quit: How to Stop Family Strife for Good, and I’ll be speaking on Expectational Education in one of the breakouts. But you’ll also be able to hear social media influencer Nick Freitas, Joel Salatin, the operator of Polyface Farms, and Dr. Becky Aniol whose husband wrote the articles I’ve been reference. Check out the description for a link where you can learn more about the convention. Okay, so we’ve talked about the goal, the people, and the food, let’s now consider . . . 4. The Ceremony Scott’s article, Coming of Age Ceremonies Can Help Your Adolescent Children Become Adults, not only describes what they did for their kids, it also includes handouts you can use for some inspiration for your child’s ceremony. And it’s those handouts I want to quickly discuss. According to Scott’s outline for the ceremony, each started with a reading of I Corinthians 13:11-13, “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child. When I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13 But now abide faith, hope, love—these three; but the greatest of these is love.” After reading that passage, Scott or Becky led the group in a song. During the Manhood Ceremony, they sang “Rise Up, O Men of God.” At the Womanhood Ceremony, they sang “More Love to Thee.” Now, if you know the Aniols, you understand how passionate they are about singing and worship and corporate discipleship. I love Scott’s life-long devotion for and focus on worshipping God in song. If you have never read his articles and listened to his podcast episodes on the subject, you really should. Now, we didn’t sing at either of my children’s ceremonies, and . . . to be completely honest . . . maybe we should have? I remember not doing it for Micah’s because of the virtual nature of the ceremony, but I didn’t really have as good of a reason to not do it for Ivy’s. All of that to say, you only have one chance to do this with each of your kids . . . make it good. Don’t have any regrets because you may have made a selfish or immature decision. From there, the guys ate a meal before the rest of the ceremony, but the ladies saved their treat until it was nearly over. Scott gave the challenge to his son and Becky gave the challenge to her daughter. My wife and I did the same for our kids. And then our family and the Aniols had a time for other men to challenge the young man and other women to challenge the young lady. Give careful thought to which of your guests you’d like to give a challenge and give them enough time to prepare their thoughts. This really shouldn’t be done by the seat of anyone’s pants or the skin of anyone’s teeth. This is a big deal. This is important. No doubt, if these people have been actively involved in the discipleship of your kids, they will have a valuable challenge to contribute, but don’t take that for granted. You could also ask the specific speakers to touch on a unique topic to avoid the possibility of everyone sharing thoughts on the same verse. Then Scott and I and Becky and my wife presented to our sons and daughters respectively a Resolution to a Code of Conduct. Scott provides a copy of the two Codes of Conduct they used in their ceremonies, and we used the same format for our children. The young man’s Code included 10 character traits and accompanying Bible verses. The young lady’s Code has some unique items and also overlaps with the other. We walked through each of the character traits, read the verses, and commented briefly on them. And then we transitioned to the Declaration of Manhood—which is also included in Scott’s article. However, I built mine out a bit more as we walked through the 4 behaviors of a godly man and read the verses. The Aniols had a different version of their Declaration of Womanhood, but we used the first for our daughter. Since our Code of Conduct and Declarations look different than Scott’s, I’ll include a copy of them to peruse if you’re interested. You can find them on our blog in the transcript of this episode. After walking through all of that, the young person is invited to sign the Code of Conduct, and then the witnesses who are present can sign the document as well. This is not merely a sober reminder of the part they have played in the young person’s life, but also a promise to continue speaking truth in love for their continued growth in spiritual maturity. Signing this document doesn’t merely make you all witnesses, you’re also signing a covenant. It reads, “I will endeavor—as often as the Lord allows—to speak the truth in love so as to stimulate you to love and good deeds and encourage you in your pursuit of godly adulthood so that you may mature in Christ Who is our head.” Remember, your child is not simply achieving full-blown mature adult status. They have a long journey ahead of them—just like we do—and they need as much help as they can—just like we do. Who better to help them continue maturing than the ones who have helped them mature to this place. After the singing of the documents, we read Proverbs 3:1-24 for the guys and Proverbs 31:10-31 for the girls. A prayer of blessing was then offered on behalf of the young people, and the Aniols closed in a song. For the young man, they sang “It Is Well with My Soul,” and for the young lady, they sang “Be Thou My Vision.” Again, I’m uncertain about the specific choice of those songs. There are so many songs that could work. Perhaps these were his children’s favorites. I don’t know. Either way, I love that the final two things done during the ceremony were praying and singing to God. As far the Aniols are concerned, I believe this is where the celebration ended. I’m not certain if the fellowship continued on or if they transitioned to games or the like. For my daughter’s Womanhood Ceremony she opened some gifts and hung out with her cousins and friends afterward. I know—for the Brewsters—even with the difficulty of the virtual ceremony for my son, each of these times were sweet and wonderful and exciting and sober and beautiful. They marked a turning point in our children where they vowed to put away the foolishness of childishness, and we vowed to help them continuing putting on wisdom. Conclusion
We’ve gone long today, but I hope you have some ideas sparked in your mind for the feel and progression of this glorious coming of age milestone.
Don’t forget to look at the documents I’ve provided and the ones Scott has provided. And be sure to join us next time because we’re going to tie up this series by talking a little about the transition from child to young adult, and then we’ll spend the majority of our time talking about how we transition our young adults to greater and greater maturity. Please share this series with your friends, and be sure to take advantage of all the resources and special offers we’ve discussed today. And please feel free to email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894 if there is any way we can help your young people mature into the image of Christ. Parent for Christ this week, and help your children learn to be wise adults. I’ll see you later.
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