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TranscriptIntroduction
I’m so glad you are back with us for another installment of our Parenting Your Kids to Adulthood series. On todays show we’re going to talk about the process of parenting your kids to adulthood, and we’re going to zoom in on some practical facets of that process.
As always, today’s episode includes free show notes, a transcript, and related resources to help you better understand and apply what you’re learning. As an example, one of our first points today will be fleshed out in far greater detail in our Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference and podcast episodes. Those will both be linked for you in the description of today’s show. By the way, if you use the link for the Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference, you can access that for free just because you tuned in today. And it really will be important because unless you’ve worked through that material, some of the points I make today may be difficult to apply because the information is new. But that’s okay because though we won’t be able to unpack it all in this episode, all those other resources dig deeper into the material. Also, I want you to know that today’s show is being brought to you in part by the Thrive! North Carolina Homeschooling convention that will be held this May in Winston-Salem. I will be one of the speakers, and I’ll be exhibiting there. If you stop by the booth, I’d love to sign your copy of my new book, Quit: how to stop family strife for good. Also, one of my friends, Renton Rathbun will be speaking, and you won’t want to miss his sessions. You can learn more about this conference and register for it at the link provided. And now let’s jump into our content for today. Topic
The first introductory point I want to make is that this process of parenting your kids to adulthood can start at any age.
Now, there is something for all of us to learn in that statement. The first is that unless you have an infant, your children are not too young to start moving through this process. The second is that if you have waited too long to begin this process, it’s not too late. Don’t surrender to despair and tell yourself there’s no use starting now. Get to it! It’s always the right time to help your children mature spiritually. But the the idea that this process can start at any age doesn’t just refer to your kids. If you want to rear your kids to maturity, then the first step in the process is . . . 1. Pursue your own maturity. Now, when I say “first step,” that doesn’t mean that you have to be as mature as you can be before you can help your kids mature. If that were the case, then we would never parent our kids. What I mean by “first step” is how you prioritize your maturity over your children’s maturity. Now, it might sound strange to hear me put it that way, but you’ll soon understand why. A. The only maturity over which you have any control is your own. You can’t make your kids mature, you can’t control their heart responses, but you absolutely must cooperate with the Holy Spirit to grow in your own Christlikeness. B. The more mature you are, the better you can help your kids mature. I don’t want what I’m about to say to sound cruel; that’s not the intention. What I’m about to say is an accurate observation of the state of the professing Christian home in America overall. There are too many parents pretending to be holier than they are expecting their kids to actually be holier than the parents are. It’s a very real epidemic of “Do as I say, not as I do.” And what makes it really dangerous is that it’s not as overt as the vaping-dad telling his kids they shouldn’t vape. It’s moms who lecture their kids about their motivations whose own motivations are self-serving. It’s dads who make sure their kids had their devotions while coming up with a bunch of personal excuses for why he doesn’t have time for his own. And neither of these are overt because it’s hard to see mom’s motivations or know if dad is spending time with the Lord. Our second episode of this podcast back in 2016 was called “Why Is It Always About Me?” If you’ve never heard that show, I recommend you listen to it because it’s just as true now as it was back then. Our content is evergreen because God’s Word is evergreen, and we do our best to submit to God’s Word in our teaching. The reason it’s always about us is that we Christian parents need to prioritize our conformity to the will of God because He demands it and because our kids will benefit from it. When we’re growing in our relationship with God, we will also be growing in our parenting. As we better understand Who God is, who we are, and why He has us here, then the Biblical Parenting Essentials will become that much more natural to us. And speaking of the Essentials, let’s review them here. If you want to parent your kids to adulthood, then you need to daily teach, reprove, correct, and train them. Now, if you view those 4 words the way most of the parents in America would, then you probably think you do all of those things every day. But when you study those concepts in Scripture, you’ll find—like I did—that I often didn’t do any, and—at most—only did two . . . and not even that well. And—by God’s grace—I’m still growing in all 4 areas. Please listen to the Biblical Parenting Essentials podcasts, and definitely watch the free conference. Those will get you on the way to understanding God’s expectations for the kind of parenting that will help your kids actually mature in their faith. Our shorter series entitled A Parent’s 5 Jobs is also a great place to start if you’re short on time and want to work into it. If you think carefully about our first few topics in this series then you’ll see how we’ve already been focusing on maturing our own thinking. Hopefully, we’re working on our mindset for parenting our kids to adulthood, we’re maturing our understanding by learning the biblical definition of adulthood, and we’re developing our own parenting expectations for our kids. And this episode too is really about the process that we ourselves need to put into place if we’re going to parent our kids to adulthood. The whole point is, my friends, your biggest responsibility in your family is your own Christlikeness. Prioritize that above everything else because when you do, you will prioritize everything else correctly. Now, I want to transition to our second and final main point, but before I do, allow me to remind you about the second sponsor of our show. “Quit: how to stop family strife for good” is now available in softcover for only $10 on Amazon, and a digital copy can be accessed on the Evermind App for only $8. I really hope you’ll get your eyes on this book. It’s been a labor of love for me to help families worship God better by addressing the strife in their homes. The Amazon link is there for you in the description, and you can check out Quit in the Evermind App when you get your free access to the Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference. So, what is the process for parenting our kids to adulthood. First, we have to prioritize our own spiritual maturity, and then . . . 2. Pursue your kids’ maturity. A number of years ago, if you were on social media, watched the news, or worked a secular job you likely heard the word “systemic” multiple times a day. Most of the uses, though, were referring to perceived racism. The argument was that racism permeates every fiber of America. It’s systemic. Now, those individuals’ observation on “systemic racism” were largely—if not completely—false. But I mention it because when it comes to parenting, spiritual maturity needs to systemically permeate absolutely everything we do. I cannot be more emphatic in this position. Spiritual maturity needs to systemically permeate absolutely everything we do. Now, again, this takes real spiritual maturity on the part of the parent. Most of us are absolutely not equipped to make God, His Word, and our family’s spiritual maturity the very atomic structure of our home life. Of course, that’s why Truth.Love.Parent. exists. We’re here to equip dads and moms to better worship God with their parenting. That means that as you listen to these episodes and grow in your Christlikeness, you’re being equipped to make God, His Word, and your family’s spiritual maturity the very atomic structure of our home life. So, let’s look at an overview of what systemic biblical parenting looks like. Let’s start with the most important portion of our day—our time communing with God. A. Prioritize your family member’s time with the Lord. This can be as simple as reading a page in your Bible story board book with your toddler or teaching your 10 year old how to do their own devotions or asking your 16 year old to share with you what God is teaching them from their time in the Word. By the way, we have made some devotional suggestions over the years. They’re not all in one place on the website, but I will share with you an interview I did with Natasha Crain on the subject of children’s devotionals. But personal devotions aren’t the only important time the family has with God. There’s also the formal times of family worship. These are times when your family sits down with God’s Word, reads it, and talks about it. It doesn’t have to take long, but it should involve everyone. We have a family devotional called a Family United in God. It usually costs $50, but you can get it today for only $25. The link will be in the description. This devotional is a little more involved and geared for families with children over 10, but it comes complete with a Bible reading, a lesson taught by me, and LifeWork the family can discuss together. You can access it on the Evermind App. But let’s get more specific. When it comes to our devotional times with God, the two words we need to have in mind when parenting—and teach to our kids to do—are “learn” and “use.” “Use” is simply a more accessible word for “apply.” The key is that we want to teach our kids that devotional times are not merely about reading, we need to be learning. But learning is no good in and of itself if we never put into practice what we’re learning. Therefore, we need to use what we’ve learned. But individual devotions and family devotions are not the only time with the Lord you should prioritize. We have a 5-part series called Your Family Needs to God to Church. It walks through the biblical purpose and motivation for going to church as well as the kind of church a biblical family should attend, and then ends with two epodes about the consequences of participating in church and neglecting church. When it comes to teaching your kids to benefit from the corporate gathering of God’s people, you can use the same two words we taught them for their devotions. You can definitely encourage your kids to “learn” and “use” the lessons taught in the message, but there’s more to church attendance than simply learning and using in one’s personal life. Assembling with God’s people is about ministering to each other. Therefore, I like to use the words “participate” and “serve” as our maturity goals. “Participate” not only covers actively listening and learning from the message, but it also refers to singing and praying, the Lord’s Supper, and any other parts of the service in which we can participate. The “serve” part then motivates us to find at least one person in whom we can invest while at church. I would encourage your kids to adopt a grandparent in the church. Love on them, ask about their week, and even pray with them. The older and more mature your kids get, the more they’ll be able to do more of the one-anothers while assembling with God’s people. If you want to parent your kids to adulthood, you absolutely need to prioritize and pursue the family’s time with God and His people. Personal devotions, family devotions, and assembling with the local church for corporate worship are absolute non-negotiables for a maturing family. And as you do those things, teach your kids how to learn, use, participate, and serve. But too many parents think that as long as their kids have a good devotional habit and the family goes to church, all will be well. Unfortunately, that ignores the ever-important informal family worship. In The Merest Christianity Series we talk about what worship really is. We have a sister series on The Celebration of God called simply “What is Worship?” In those series we learn that worship is absolutely everything we say and do. It’s not a question of if we’re worshipping, it’s a question of whom we are worshipping and how we are worshipping. Absolutely every word, deed, decision, and thought in your home is an act of worship to God or to self. When we forget this and neglect to teach it to our kids, we end up inadvertently communicating to them that worshipping God is praying and reading the Bible and going to church and listening to “worship music.” But that creates a false compartmentalization in our thinking that we’re not to worship God in absolutely everything else we do all week. That’s why parenting our kids to maturity needs to extend systemically into everything our family does and discusses in a day. So, let’s consider some of those moments in an average day. B. Teach your kids how to worship God during family life. I’m going to limit this category to the general times we’re doing life together. This includes fun times and work times. When I talk about fun times, I’m not talking about watching a movie. We’ll discuss entertainment later. If we’re really going to be having family time, we need to be able to relate with each other while doing it. Playing board and card games, playing outside, taking a walk, or going on an outing are all good examples of valuable family time. During these times we need to be teaching, reproving, correcting, and training our kids in how they are to worship God in those moments. This includes how we talk to each other, how we physically interact, and how we approach our expectations for the time. We need to be joyful and content and at peace and thankful. We need to be kind and prefer others above ourselves. We need to serve each other and love each other and encourage each other, but we also need to keep each other accountable. And we talk about all of these things and so many more in nearly every one of our over 560 episodes. We at Truth.Love.Parent. desire to equip you to see your child’s most important momentary needs and speak truth into them. The other side of family life is housework. We need to teach our kids not merely how to do their chores, but why. We have a number of episodes about chores. You can easily search for them by typing “chores” into the search bar at TruthLoveParent.com. But if we want to parent our kids to adulthood, it can’t just be about completing the chore in the right way without annoying mom. We have to teach our kids how to worship God in the process. This absolutely necessary lesson is expanded upon in our Teach Your Children to Obey Series. I think the best word to mold your children’s understanding of family life should be “service.” Whether we’re recreating together or working together, a mature child of God should be serving those around him. All of your family times are opportunities to teach your kids how to serve like Christ served. Alright, A. Prioritize your family member’s time with the Lord, and B. Teach your kids how to worship God during family life. But you also need to . . . C. Teach your kids how to worship God at school. I did a series on the Celebration of God called Celebrating God at Work and School. That series teaches us and—by extension—will help us teach our kids to worship the Lord in some of the most challenging aspects of their life. Too much of the average American Christian school experience is all about subjects and grades and relationships and achievements, but far too little time is dedicated to considering how we need to be worshipping God as we move through those activities. I think the two words we used for spending time with God can help our kids here as well. They need to learn and use, but too often (especially if your child doesn’t attend a Christian school), they can learn and use what they’re taught at school, but never once give any thought to God. That’s why I think it’s important to get your family used to talking about worshipping God at school. “Did you glorify God at school today?” “How can you best worship the Lord as you prepare for that test?” This kind of communication keeps the goal ever in front of us and keeps us working in that direction. But in addition to teaching our kids to mature through their time with the Lord as well as become more godly in your family time and growing in their spiritual maturity as they go to school and work their jobs, we absolutely need to . . . D. Teach your kids how to worship God with their entertainment. We have so many fantastic resources for teaching your kids how to glorify God and grow spiritually as they interact with technology and movies and books and apps and music. I’ll put the link to those resources in the description, but I really want us to stop and think very hard about this for a moment. If you want your children to mature out of foolishness into wisdom, if you want them to be more like Christ, then you absolutely have to daily keep them accountable to glorifying God with their entertainment choices. Therefore, we need to be consistent and comfortable asking them whether or not God is being glorified in their entertainment choices. We need to talk about what it practically looks like to worship the Lord with our music and movies and games and technology. If you want to parent your kids to adulthood, this absolutely has to be part of the process. So, are you seeing how guiding our kids to mature Christlikeness must be a systemic focus? It can’t just be something we talk about on Sunday. It has to permeate our family life. I encourage you to listen to our short series entitled God's Will for Your Child Series. That series will give you even more direction in understanding the reason God gave you your children in the first pace. Now, before we consider our final point in the process of parenting your kids to adulthood, I want to remind you that in the same way this show is being brought to you by the Thrive Homeschooling Conference and Quit: how to stop family strife for good, MyPillow is also one of our sponsors. And right now the discounts are so amazing. The classic MyPillow normally costs around $50, but for a limited time when you use the code EVERMIND at checkout, you can purchase the standard MyPillow for only $14.98. The queen version of the pillow only costs $18.98, and the king costs only $1 more than that! You can ket a king-sized MyPillow for under $20. Please visit MyPillow.com/evermind to get these amazing deals. Alright, so we’re learning that the process of parenting our kids to adulthood requires that we prioritize our own spiritual maturity, our own “adulthood” if you will. We need to do this because God deserves it, and because you can’t lead someone somewhere you’re not going yourself. Second, we need to prioritize our children’s maturity. And the single best way to do this is to make it the most important facet of your life. Whether it’s during personal devotions, family worship, church, family time, chores, school, work, or entertainment . . . we need to teach our kids Who God is, who they are, and what that means for them. We need to reprove them when they fail to correctly worship the Lord in every day life. We need to correct them when they desire to start worshipping God the way they should. And we need to train in them in pursuing Christlikeness and maturity throughout their day. But there are two more special categories to add if you want to parent your kids to adulthood. If yours and your child’s goal is for them to put-off foolishness and transition into young adulthood as soon as possible, then you should . . . E. Initiate Adulthood Training. Yes, we need to work in adulthood training into every facet of our children’s lives, but we shouldn’t neglect to give it special attention as well. We’re running out of time, and I hope to collect a more robust selection of resources for this, but our kids should be reading books that will help them mature. For example, both of my kids read the book “Do Hard Things.” I also get them new books every year from the ACBC conferences I attend that will help them mature into Christ-honoring adults. With the wealth of podcasts and online resources available, we can also have our kids listen to audio or watch videos that are made by mature Christians and will help them become mature Christians. For example, a simple idea would be to have your kids walk through the James Bible study I did with my family during the lockdowns. Those videos are available on Truth.Love.Parent.’s Facebook page. I’ll link the first one for you in the description. Reading books and watching material like this puts a spotlight on the goal that is moving from childhood into adulthood. But—like some of the other topics we discussed—Adulthood Training shouldn’t stop with learning. It’s so great to have service times to put this into practice. This can involve activities that are usually considered “adult activities” like volunteering at a shelter or cleaning the yard for an elderly member of the church. Call your kids to mature living by giving them the opportunities to stretch their new maturity into serving others. And the final category is . . . F. Discipline with adulthood in mind. We’ve touched on this throughout the episode as we’ve talked about reproving our kids. If you don’t know how discipline and reproof interact, please listen to the Parent’s Five Jobs Series or watch the free Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference. Too often our goal in reproof is to simply get our kids to stop doing whatever they’re doing. But that falls so short of God’s desire for them. We need to show them the Primary Consequences of their foolish choices, and then help them reinterpret the situation through a biblical framework so that they can better understand how God would have had them respond. From there, the goal is to start implementing that mature response and behavior. Conclusion
I appreciate your attention today as we walked through the monumental process that is rearing your kids to adulthood. It’s monumental because parenting our kids to maturity needs to be systemic. It needs to touch every facet of our lives. That is the only way we can set our kids up for success that they will be functioning like young adults when they hit 13 and continue to mature as adults as they age.
If you would like some personalized assistance with this process, if it would help you to sit down with a biblical counselor and map out what this looks like in your family, please email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894. We would love to help. Also, don’t forget about the amazing offers available to you today including the free Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference on the Evermind App, the insane deal on a MyPillow, my new book, Quit: how to stop family strife for good, and the upcoming homeschooling conferences. And—on top of that—all of the great resources linked for you in the description of today’s episode. And please share this series on social media, with your pastor, and with your friends so you can start building a community of likeminded Christians who are on the same journey you are to help guide your kids to Christ-honoring adulthood. To that end, join us next time as we talk about that very thing—creating a community of believers to help you in your goal of rearing godly adults. I’ll see you then.
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