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TranscriptIntroduction
I am your host, Aaron, and I am honored that you are joining us today to learn more about how to parent your kids to adulthood. This is part 3 of this series, so if you are just joining us, I would strongly encourage you to start your journey with us in part 1.
For those of you who are returning, then you know that nearly all of our episodes—including this one—have free episode notes, transcripts, and valuable related resources. Each of our episodes is like a biblical counseling session, and I try to curate resources that will expand on that about which we’re talking. When taken all together, the curated episodes create a curriculum for biblical parenting challenges associated with the topic at hand. So, please be sure to work them into your podcast listening. Also, I would like you to know that this series is being brought to you by my newest book, “Quit: how to stop family strife for good.” No doubt, conflict and arguments and potentially even resentment have reared their ugly heads in your home as you’ve attempted to parent your children to adulthood. “Quit” is a short, 100-page treatise on the creators of strife, the consequences of strife, the causes of strife, and the cure for strife. If you have a free account on the Evermind App, then you can get instant access to the book for only $8, and you can also purchase a softcover from Amazon for only $10. As always, Amazon Prime members also get free shipping. I have links in the description for both the virtual and softcover options, and I hope you will check them out. God wants to cure the family strife in your home, and I believe “Quit” can be a vital part of that process. And—with that—let’s do a quick review and then look at the expectations that parents must have if they are going to parent their kids to adulthood. Topic
On our first episode we laid out a timeline that suggests that instead of waiting until our kids are almost 18 to start getting them ready for adulthood, we need to start as soon as possible because biblically and historically, our kids should be functioning as young adults by the age of 13.
Listen, you’re not rearing children. Childhood isn’t the end goal. You’re rearing adults. Therefore, you must expect your children to be moving toward adulthood. Then our second episode stepped through the Bible’s definition of adulthood. In that episode we learned that adulthood is actually the spiritual maturation process toward holiness. Adulthood is actually the functional consequence of being born again. Everyone—regardless of their age—is called by God to submit to Him in justification and begin the process of sanctification whereby we are transformed into His image. That process is maturity into adulthood. Now, I want to synchronize those two ideas for a moment. We talked last time about how physical maturity, secular maturity, and spiritual maturity are three different things that don’t always run concurrently. But we also have to deal with the reality that God expects our spiritual maturity to be transforming from one degree to another every year as we physically age. That means that we and our kids must be spiritually maturing as we physically mature. That’s the goal. This is why the biblical expectation exists that grey-haired individuals should be wiser than younger people. Again, though that’s not always the reality, it is the expectation. So, that’s going to be our first of seven parenting expectations we need to have for our kids. 1. Our kids should put off perpetual foolishness by the age of thirteen. Now, hear me out. I landed on the word “perpetual” for a very important reason. We all sin, and all sin is the result of immature, foolish thinking. Please listen carefully, we are not putting an impossible expectation on our kids. We aren’t barring them from adulthood simply because they still make foolish choices. If we were to be consistent, then we wouldn’t be allowed to consider ourselves adults because we too make foolish choices. Adulthood is a synchronization between physical age and spiritual maturity. We need to parent our kids to reach a stage in their lives where they are more wise then they are foolish. I would argue, and I believe the Scriptures illustrate this point, that we’re looking for consistency, not perfection. Consider David. He was called a man after God’s own heart, and he made numerous massively foolish choices while functioning as the king is Israel. God said that Solomon was the wisest man to ever live, and yet he made some nation-altering, wicked decisions. My point is that God expects our kids to be functioning young adults at the age of thirteen. Their bodies have transitioned from childhood to adulthood, and they have all the spiritual power they need to be consistently making mature choices. Don’t buy the cultures ideas about developmental stages. Don’t stoop to their low expectations about junior highers being incapable of mature thought. It is patently not true. Not only does the Bible and history prove that to be a lie, my own limited experience on this earth has shown me that junior highers have everything they need for life and godliness in the Scriptures and through the power of the Holy Spirit. Now, if this information is new to you, please listen to my Expectational Education Series. In that series I provide biblical and historical evidence of the fact that our teenagers can and must be young adults. I also lay out the philosophy necessary to help them achieve that. That’s the expectation we need to have for and communicate to our kids. We need to have conversations with them setting the exciting goal that when they turn 13, they can have their manhood or womanhood ceremony. We’ll talk more about what that looks like on Part 6 of this series. But please don’t just get them excited about a new stage of life. Be expecting them to grow into it now. Foolishness is not acceptable. And here’s where I want to make a couple observations about all of the points on our list today. God’s expectations for His people are the same for all sexes and ages and ethnicities. There is no children’s version of the Bible, God wants your kids to be born again, that makes them disciples of Christ, and that means they should be growing in their holiness. And, yes, if our kids aren’t born again yet, there is Biblical precedent for still expecting them to learn how to do the right things in the right ways even when they can’t yet do it for the right reasons and in the right power. The second observation about all of our points today is that while we all have the same expectations for holy living, it’s within the relational dynamics that personalization occurs. A mature 13 year old will not be as mature as a mature 33 year old if the 33 year old has been growing in Christlikeness since he was 13. But that doesn’t mean the 13 year old is failing. None of us is as mature as we could and should be. So, like I’ve taught in the 5th Parent material, we need to have biblically high expectations for everyone in our families, but we also need to recognize that movement toward a lower tier of maturity is always better than apparent stagnation at a higher tier. This is how we turn the mindset from Part 1 into a practical expectation for our homes. We need to have the expectation, and we need to parent toward that expectation. Do your kids know that they are fast approaching young adulthood, and do they know that consistent spiritual maturity as evidenced by their conformity to Christ is the prerequisite? Do they realize that this is more than simply external behaviors but a genuinely redeemed heart and love for God? With this first expectation in mind, the rest all become quite intuitive and natural. The majority of our following points will grow from our study of The Merest Christianity. If you have never listened to that series, please do. That one is absolutely seminal to understanding our own spiritual maturity as well as understanding why our kids do what they do and how to help them change. Of course, it’s linked for you in the description of today’s episode. I can’t take the time to biblically support every one of these points in today’s episode, but The Merest Christianity series does it in great detail. The premise of the series unpacks why we all do what we do from our external actions and feelings to our most core worldviews. Again, if you want to better understand how all of the next 6 points interact and influence each other, please listen to The Merest Christianity. For now, though, please take my word that we have to have these expectations for even our youngest kids if we want to parent them to adulthood around the age of 13. 2. Our kids need to increasingly trust the Scriptures. The most seminal facet of humanity is what we believe, what we trust, our faith, our worldview. There is nothing more important, and so we start with this expectation. But we can keep the concept simple with our younger kids. Here’s how to do it. After teaching them a biblical principle or after reading the Bible together or after reproving them for their sin, simply ask “Do you believe what we’ve learned here?” I have a whole episode called The Point of Nearly Every Conversation that walks through the practical importance and ways to accomplish this. Too many of us aren’t teaching our kids the Scriptures. But there are way too many who spout off biblical truth without ever expecting our kids to understand and believe it. I deal with this in greater detail in our Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference. By the way, since you’re listening to this episode, you can get free access to that conference and the curated material on the Evermind App simply by clicking the link in the description. If you’re new to the app, you will create a free account, and though you have to go through the checkout process, you’ll notice that the conference material is free. Either way, our kids will never be biblical adults unless they believe the Bible. Therefore, we need to start expecting that of them (and us) as soon as possible. 3. Our kids need to increasingly think biblically. What we believe affects what we think about and how we think. And yes, you can just as easily think the wrong way as you can think the wrong things. By the way, each of the points from 3 through 6 grow from the previous points. No one will ever think biblically if they’re not believing biblically. Now, if you don’t know the difference between believing and thinking, please listen to . . . that’s right . . . The Merest Christianity series. Do your kids think biblically? Paul admonishes us to have the same mind which was in Christ Jesus. Do they? Philippians 4 teaches us about the expected content of our thoughts. Do you hold your children responsible to think in line with God’s expectations? “Well, Aaron, how do I know what they’re thinking?” We’ll talk about that in two more points, but the reality is that we need to be teaching them to think, and when we find out they’re not thinking the way they should, we need to reprove and correct them. By the way, I know how easy it is to hear all of this and come to one of two conclusions. The first is a naturally assumption that—of course—we as parents already believe and think correctly. But biblically speaking that’s not true. Just like David and Solomon, we all sin, and that means that in that moment we weren’t believing or thinking biblically. And when that reality strikes you, it’s easy to lose hope that you can teach your kids to think biblically if you yourself know you’re not believing and thinking as biblically as you should. But don’t give in to Satan and the Flesh’s lies. First, you should be more spiritually mature than your kids. Therefore, the areas in which they need to grow are likely areas in which you’re functioning better than they are. Maybe not, but often that’s the case. Second, discipleship is about growing together. If we saw our parenting role as less of a college professor who already knows everything giving information to her ignorant students, and realized that parenting is more of a hand in hand march to maturity as we both are being conformed to the image of Christ . . . we’d be rearing far more mature adults. Now, that’s not to say that we’re not the authority. And it’s not to say that we don’t know more than our kids. But it’s a humble mindset that neither of us has made it, and doing it together is always better than doing it alone. 4. Our kids need to increasingly desire biblically. What you think about and how you think about it will mold your desires. If we have the wrong desires, it’s always due to our wrong thoughts. But if our kids are going to be transitioning from childhood to young adulthood at the age of 13, they need to be increasingly wanting Christ-honoring things. Too much of our parenting is forcing our kids to do things they don’t want to do. We need to teach them how to actually want to do the things they should. “How do we do that, Aaron?!” Well, we’ve already answered that question. We will desire the right things when we think the right way, and we will think the right way when we believe the right things. That’s why having expectations about what they believe is so incredibly important. Do you expect your kids not merely to get ready for bed the right way, but to want to get ready for bed the right way? Do you expect your kids to want to spend time with the Lord and not merely to do it because they were told? “But, Aaron, how will I know if they’re actually wanting to do it versus just doing it?” Good question. Just like the “How will I know what they’re thinking,” the answers will come in the 5th, 6th, and 7th points. But before we get to those points, I want to remind you that this series is not only being brought to you by my new book, “Quit: how to stop family strife for good,” but it’s also being brought to you by the MyPillow company. And they want to extend to you a truly amazing offer. The classic MyPillow normally costs around $50, but for a limited time when you use the code EVERMIND at checkout, you can purchase the standard MyPillow for only $14.98. And—check this out—the queen version of the pillow only costs $18.98, and the king costs only $1 more than that! It truly is an epic sale, and I can say that I sleep on a queen-sized MyPillow every night, and I really love it. I’ve had so many pillows over the years, and this one is great for so many reasons. So, please go to MyPillow.com and use the promo code EVERMIND at checkout. Now, let’s review and then look at out final three points of the day. The most important expectation we can have for our kids is that should be putting off perpetual foolishness. Second, they need to increasingly trust the Scriptures. They also need to increasingly think biblically. And, number 4, they need to increasingly desire biblically. If they are doing those things—which all take place in the inner man—then it will start to show in the outer man. How can I know what my kid is believing, thinking, and desiring? All I have to do is look at their fruit. I have to listen to what they say, watch how they act, and pay attention to how they feel. 5. Our kids need to increasingly speak biblically. The Bible has so much to say about our communication, and all of it is rooted in what we believe. This is why Jesus told us that everything that comes out of the mouth starts first in our hearts—our minds. We have soooo many episodes and series on communication. Please peruse them in order to find the one that will meet your family’s current need. But I will specifically suggest you look into The Communication House episode. That episode lays out the big picture for God’s expectations for your family talk. And we need to have the same expectations for our family talk that God does. Therefore, we need to expect and communicate to our kids that they need to speak biblically. This involves telling the truth, speaking lovingly, not complaining, not gossiping, and so much more. Do your kids understand that it is required of them to speak biblically? Do they realize that it is mandated by their Creator and Lord that they conform their words to His image? Do they understand that they will never communicate correctly if they don’t first believe God and His Word? We have to have these expectations for our families. 6. Our kids need to increasingly act biblically. This is very similar to the last point in that what we say and do are merely fruits of what is going on in our hearts. But you should realize by now that I’m not talking about mere externalism on this point. True obedience is not merely doing the right things in the right ways. True obedience comes from the heart in that it’s doing the right things in the right ways for the right reasons. Do your kids know that you expect them to be growing in their obedience? Do they understand the expectations for their behavior? What are they to do? How are they to do it? Why are they to do it? We will never rear biblical adults if we’re not teaching and reproving and correcting them in the biblical expectations for their lives. And the fact that they’re only 5 doesn’t excuse these expectations. Five year olds are so incredibly smart. This age is one of the ripest for growth and learning. They can understand Who God is and what His expectations for them are. They can grow in these areas. I see it every day and biblical parents have and exercise these biblical expectations for their kids. Your 3, 4, 5 year old and older can grow in their genuine obedience. They can submit to God in justification and grow in their sanctification. And even if they’re not yet born again, they can learn the truths of the Bible they’re not yet choosing to believe. And finally . . . 7. Our kids need to increasingly submit their emotions to truth. What we feel is influenced by so many factors. I discuss a number of them in The Merest Christianity series, and I have a whole online course on the Evermind App called The Doctrine of Emotions. I encourage you to sign up for that course. I’ll link it for you. It only costs $25. But though there are physical things that can make us feel a certain way, many—if not most—of our emotions grow from how we think and what we believe. I think I just had another bout of Covid because I had the same crazy emotional difficulties I did when I first got Covid. But even though I felt like the world was ending, I didn’t have to believe it. I frequently counseled myself to focus on reality—on truth. We need to teach our kids how to biblically manage their emotions. We need to expect them to submit their emotions to truth. Sure, there may be some emotions they can’t just turn off because it’s being caused by something physical, but you’d be surprised just how many they do have control over. If they would only believe the truth of the Bible and think God’s thoughts after Him, they would start feeling differently. Do you expect your 2 to 12 year olds to submit their emotions to biblical realities? You need to . . . especially if you hope to parent your kids to biblical adulthood. In fact, I’ll go so far to say that even if you don’t buy into what I’m teaching about them becoming young adults at 13, you’re still going to have to teach them how to do this if you think they’ll become an adult at 18. And what are you going to do? Are you going to let your younger kids lose all control of their emotions and then try to teach them the biblical truth about how they feel when they’re 13 or 16? That would be ridiculous. All you’d be doing is giving them years to cement wrong habits and beliefs about their emotions, and you’d only be making your job and their jobs harder. So, whether you want to refer to your 13 years old as a young adults or not, I’m sure you realize that teaching your younger children to believe the Bible, think biblically, desire biblically, speak biblically, act biblically, and submit their feelings to truth are all vitally important things. And—if you do this, if you have these expectations—whether you recognize it or not, you will have teenage adults in your home. Conclusion
We have to have the right mindset, we have to understand the biblical goal, and then we have to institute the right expectations for our kids.
Alright, don’t navigate away just yet. First of all, please share this series with your friends, and never hesitate to email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894. And don’t forget to take advantage of all the opportunities in front of you. You can sign up for the Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference for free. You can get a copy of “Quit” from Amazon or in the Evermind App. You can get an amazing deal on a MyPillow by using the code EVERMIND at checkout, and you can join me and a bunch of other likeminded individuals at the Thrive Homeschooling conference in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, May 22-24, 2025. And then be sure to join us next time because we’re going to talk about the process of implementing there expectations and helping our kids mature into them. It will be a super practical episode that will lay out expectations for our parenting, our daily lives, and the specifics of adult training. See you then.
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