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TranscriptIntroduction
I’m your host AMBrewster, and today we’re talking about one of the biggest dangers and failures of modern parenting. As always, this episode has free notes, a transcript, and related resources linked for you in the description.
But before I go any further, I want to make a huge announcement. It wasn’t part of my plan to announce this today, but the timing is such that it makes sense to let you know. By God’s grace and the encouragement of a core group of faithful Truth.Love.Parents., I have completed my first book. It’s called “Quit: How to Stop Family Strife for Good.” Not only has my own family experienced more strife than I’d like to admit, but—as a biblical counselor—I get to experience the strife of so many other families. In fact, when I worked at Victory Academy for Boys, strife seemed to be my daily experience. And what I’ve learned is that strife is painful and ugly and uncomfortable, and it spoils everything it touches. Some of you may know that it was because of one student in particular that this book was written. It was our second year, and we had a young man who lit relational fires everywhere he went. I tried diligently to help him, but so much of my counsel fell on deaf ears because he saw everyone else as the problem. One day—I remember it so clearly—while reading through Proverbs, I repeatedly encountered various descriptions of strife creators, and I couldn’t help but see this young man in every description. But it was also in the same descriptions that I started to see God’s plan for extinguishing family strife. When I finally got to Proverbs 17:4 in my reading, God’s Cure for strife all made sense. The verse reads, “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.” Inspired by that truth, I copied all of the passages onto a piece of paper and asked the young man to read them. By God’s grace, that was the start of a study we did together that not only eventually helped him turn a relational corner, but also grew into my first book, Quit: How to Stop Family Strife for Good. Here’s what I would absolutely love. I would love for you to go to the Evermind App right now and purchase the digital version for only $8. You will have access to the entire book in the app itself, and the software makes the reading experience really nice. Of course, I’d love for you to purchase a physical copy, but they’re not 100% ready yet. In fact, you could get the digital copy and the hardcopy; that would be such a huge blessing to the ministry. But even more than that, I pray this short book will be used by God to help you lead your family to genuine peace, harmony, and strifelessness in your home. Quit has been in the works for a long time, and I’m so overjoyed to say that it is now available for purchase. So, open the Evermind App, and enjoy! And if you don’t have the Evermind App, the link in the description of this episode will let you create a free account and purchase the book, and—if you want—you can then download the app. I say, “If you want,” only because all of the materials on the app are also available in an internet browser. You don’t technically have to download the app to enjoy all of the amazing resources. Either way, I hope you’ll get the book, read the book, tell your friends about the book, and help your family glorify God with the book. And—with that—let’s talk about how the content of my new book is very different from merely moral parenting. Topic
1. What is Morality?
Merriam-Webster defines moral as “of or relating to principles of right and wrong in behavior, expressing or teaching a conception of right behavior, conforming to a standard of right behavior, sanctioned by or operative on one's conscience or ethical judgment, capable of right and wrong action.” The thread through all those definitions has to do with a sense of that which is right and wrong. Moral behavior is that which is considered right, and immoral behavior would be all the stuff that is wrong. So . . . 2. What is Merely Moral Parenting? I define merely moral parenting this way: dads and moms who tell their children what is right and what is wrong. Now, that probably doesn’t sound so terrible. Isn’t that good parenting? Don’t we need to tell our kids what’s right and what’s wrong? The problem is that there isn’t a single parent on the entire globe and over the entire course of history who hasn’t parented in morality. It doesn’t matter if that parent believes in God or not. It doesn’t matter the country in which they live. All parents communicate to their kids every single day what they believe is right and wrong. The issue is that there are fundamental disagreements with what is actually moral and what is actually immoral. So, now let’s answer the question . . . 3. What’s Wrong with Merely Moral Parenting? It is not virtuous to merely make a claim that something is good or bad. What if what you say is good is actually bad? What if you’re wrong? And that’s the problem with merely moral parenting. It’s a question of authority. Who gets to make the claim that something is right? In our world, people constantly throw around their Invited Authority. Those of you who listened to our Authority Series know what Invited Authority, Inherent Authority, and Inherited Authority are. If you would like to learn more about those, please use the link in the description to find that series. For now, though, Invited Authority is when we give someone authority in our lives who doesn’t actually have authority. Or we give a legitimate authority in one facet of our lives authority over a facet that isn’t theres. For example, the government exists to punish evil and reward good, but they don’t exist to determine what those are. Too many parents today are turning to their political parties for the definition of right and wrong. Many families across the globe rely on religion—in the broadest sense—to discover what is moral. But there are so many other individuals and entities that are invited to define our worldviews for us. We trust entertainers, teachers, friends, doctors, non-profits, and internet influencers to help us frame what is bad and what is otherwise. The problem is that—ultimately—there are only two people who can define your morality. Either God gets to say what morality is, or you do. In our Biggest Parenting Challenges You Will Ever Face Series we talk about how this point right here is the single biggest parenting challenge that will come into your family. It is—right now—the biggest hurdle you have to overcome. And in our Merest Christianity Series I substantiate biblically the claim that only you or God can ever truly determine your definition of morality. Either God will be allowed to exercise His authority in your worldview, or you’ll decide that someelse will. And—in that decision—you’ve taken the authority away from God. So, here’s the thing. Even though every atheist mom and dad parents according to their standard of morals, what they don’t understand is that there is no morality without God. If we are all simply evolved animals, then it’s not more immoral for someone to kill an infant than it is for a snake to eat a bird’s eggs. It’s survival of the fittest. If you get in my way, one of us will come out on top. To argue that morality exists is flawed in that the best argument you have in that context is to say that morality gets to be agreed upon by the community and civilization. But as various civilizations have differing views of what is moral, then we easily see that morality is fluid and changing . . . which means that it doesn’t exist. Morality is the very pronouncement that this—over here—is patently bad, and that all of these things here are good. And if those definitions change, then morality is nothing more than an opinion, and—therefore—not a good foundation for parenting. There is an entire nation of people who believe it’s good to wipe out the Jews. The Jews disagree. Which is wrong? Well, if God doesn’t exist, then it’s merely their opinion, and it’s not inherently right or wrong for them to fight for dominance. If we pretend morality exists outside of God, it’s because we’ve made ourselves god. And that is exactly what every parent in this world does when they define their morality apart from the God of the Bible. So, from a godless perspective, merely moral parenting is an absolutely failed exercise. It’s pointless because there is no consistency. Everyone is going to believe what they want to believe. But we Christians aren’t off the hook simply because our morality is defined by the Scriptures. For the Christian, merely moral parenting is telling our kids that it’s wrong to steal and right to read our Bibles, that it’s a good thing to work hard and a sin to look at pornography . . . and that’s where we stop. The simple explanation of what is wrong and what is right is a failed parenting model. Now, you might say, “Yeah, but, Aaron, in the Parent’s 5 Jobs Series and in the Biblical Parenting Essentials Conference you tell us that the first stage of biblical parenting is just that . . . teaching our kids what is right and what is wrong.” That is correct. We definitely have to do that. But, if you remember the Teach Your Children Obey Series, then you know that true, biblical obedience is not merely what we do and how we do it. And here’s the key for our unlocking the dangers of merely moral parenting. God has decided that morality is more than just what people do and how people do them. In order to truly glorify God, we must do the right things in the right ways . . . for the right reasons, and—therefore—in the right power. When we are constantly telling our kids what to do and not do, but we’re never telling them why . . . we’re setting them up for two massive failures. On one side, we’re not rooting their life choices in anything more than what their parents have said. That means that when they’re out from under your authority, and they learn that everyone else in the world has a different definition of morality, they will functionally be choosing between whether they believe you had the right point of view or if these other people do. It’s man versus man. And—as we’ve already established—aside from God, no one person truly has the right or ability to define another person’s view of right and wrong. One of the cliches in the church is the high school graduate who seemly abandons the faith and falls off the wagon. My wife refers to it as pulling an Anakin Skywalker. He was this sweet little kid who all-of-a-sudden turned into the a galactic dark lord. This happens because the only perceived authority in their lives was their parents. But—now that they’re more worldly-wise—who are their parents to really dictate to them how they should live? So, on one side, when we’re constantly communicating the what and how, but never dealing with the why, we’re actually lying to our kids about the real reason we’re supposed to do right and flee from wrong. And it’s far more important that merely what dad and mom think. But even if our kids continue in what they’ve learned about what they should do and how they should do it, even if they don’t walk away from that teaching, their authority is still a bad authority. What I mean is that they are Rocky Hearted, merely agreeing with the morality they’ve been taught without truly believing in the God of that morality. The Four Children Series deals with this in much more detail and—like the other resources I’ve mentioned—are linked for you in the description of today’s episode. Strange as it may sound, having good kids isn’t good enough. There’s a massive chasm between good and godly. Good kids do the right things in the right ways, but for the wrong reasons. Godly kids to the right things in the right ways for the right reasons. And that’s why we can say with confidence that Biblical Parenting is far superior to Merely Moral Parenting. So, let’s finish today by asking . . . 4. What is Biblical Parenting? Well, we’ve been answering this question since 2016. For the past 557 episodes we have been building a biblical case for the various roots, branches, and fruits of Christ-honoring biblical parenting. And I recommend that you if you have never listened to all of our episodes, you really should start working through them. One of listeners who reviewed the show on iTunes wrote “Truth.Love.Parent. has been such a refreshing source of truth in my life! I appreciate how every podcast is so carefully crafted and professionally articulated to not only share vital biblical truth with Christian parents, but also to counsel them through the application of that truth in the most practical ways. In my opinion, every Christian parent should take the time to listen to this entire series at least once — if not more!” That is high praise, but the praise goes to God for being the author of the source content. By the way, if TLP has been a blessing to you, will you please review the show on iTunes or wherever you listen? It’s such a benefit and blessing when you review us. And if you do it anywhere other than Apple Podcasts or Facebook, will you please send us a copy of your 5-star review? It’s so encouraging to know that we’re making a difference in this world for God. So, yeah, biblical parenting is a big topic, but let me boil it down based off what we’ve already discussed today. If Merely Moral Parenting fails because we’re giving our kids the wrong set of morals, than Biblical Parenting is giving our kids the true morality of God. If Merely Moral Parenting fails because it teaches the true morals of God without talking much about the God of the morality, then Biblical Parenting makes the why of obedience far more important than the what and how. Biblical Parenting focuses on talking about God and introducing their kids to God and encouraging their relationship with God far more than it merely demands right and punishes wrong. Biblical Parenting does what Jesus did. When Jesus was on this earth, He manifested the Father to everyone. Glorifying the Father, speaking of the Father, and doing the work of the Father was His goal. He didn’t merely preach about right and wrong, He rooted it in the authority of the Father and called people to a relationship with Him through Jesus Christ Himself. We need to do the same thing. Now, in closing, I do want to acknowledge what may seem like a contradiction. If true morality is God’s morality, and if God’s definition of what is moral includes not only what is done and how it’s done, but also why it’s done, then couldn’t we call Biblical Parenting Moral Parenting? You’re right. If we’re using only the biblical definition of words, then, yes, that’s accurate. However, the world doesn’t use those definitions. Just like they adulterate and pervert the concept of love, they don’t understand what morality truly is. Therefore, I believe it’s important to speak in such a way that it makes it very hard to be misunderstood. Conclusion
As long as our definitions of morality are God’s definitions, and as long as we’re worshipping God with our parenting the way He wants us to parent for the reasons He wants us to parent those ways, then it is moral parenting, it is biblical parenting, and He will be pleased.
The key is that we make a bigger deal of the God of the morals than we make out of the morals. Listen to your parenting and try to determine what percentage of it is merely talking about the what and how and what percentage talks about the why. I am going to challenge you to listen to the Teach Your Children to Obey Series and start creating a new habit of always talking about the why of our obedience. It’s the very foundation of the what and how, and we must never take that for granted. It’s not okey to say, “We tell our kids on Sunday why they need to obey; it’s okay if we only talk about what we want them to do and how we want them to do it during the week.” It’s not okay to say that for the same reason that it’s not okay to say, “I tell my wife I love her on Sunday; I don’t need to tell her the rest of the week.” If it truly is the most important thing we can talk about, then we need to be talking about it more than we talk about other things. What’s important to us is that about which we talk. So, if this conversation is important to you, please talk about it with your friends. Help them become more biblical parents as you become a more biblical parent by sharing this episode with them. And if you need some specialized, personal help in being a more biblical parent, please write to us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894. I hope you’ll join us next time as we once again open God’s Word to discover how to best worship God with our parenting. To that end, the title of our next show is “How to Destroy the World with Your Children.” I hope to see you then, and remember to get your digital copy of Quit: How to Stop Family Strife for Good in the Evermind App.
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