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TranscriptIntroduction
I’m so glad you’re joining us today.
My name is Aaron Brewster, I am married to Johanna, and we have two children. Our oldest is Micah, and our youngest is Ivy. The Brewster family is a testament to the fact that God is good in saving undeserving wretches, that choices have consequences, and that God fixes broken things. This podcast is nothing more nor less than our best effort to keep God’s truth at the center of your family’s experience by equipping parents to know God and worship Him in their parenting. Thank you for joining us on this journey, and I pray that you will be sharpened in your walk with God. To that end, we have over 550 evergreen episodes that span so many amazing topics. I strongly encourage you to at least scroll through our collection of series. But you can also look at the individual episodes or use our search function at TruthLoveFamily.com. We also love it when people email us directly at [email protected] and ask which resources might be helpful for their current season of life, questions, and/or needs. I pray that every episode here will continue to minister to the spiritual needs of families for years and years to come. And—in addition to the hundreds of episodes—we have free episode notes, transcripts, and additional resources included with each one. When you find a topic that interests you, be sure to work through the related resources in order to deepen your knowledge, understanding, and application of the material. Today we’re talking about the truth and lies of developmental stages, and I think we should jump right in. Topic
Childhood developmental stages have absolutely taken control of every conversation that happens concerning parenting, education, psychology, maturity, health, and wellness.
It’s a huge conversation with a lot of observation and repetition and interpretation. We clearly don’t have the time to even scratch the surface, but I still believe this conversation is important and can be transformative in your family. But before we deal with our first truths and lies, I would like to remind you that this ministry is in tremendous need of donations. God has been keeping us afloat, and I praise Him for that, but we’re struggling more than ever, and we could really use your help. Whether you download the free Evermind App and purchase my new book or online courses or you sign up for weekly biblical counseling or you commit to donating on a monthly basis, anything and everything can help. We’re having a difficult time paying our bills, and—honestly—if only 85 people donated $50 a month, we would have more than we need at the moment. And if we had only 170 people donating $25 a month, it would be the same. The point is, not everyone can give the same amount, but whatever you can give will go a long way. I’m so thankful to our faithful donors—some of whom have been giving to this ministry for over seven years—and I’m inviting you to join our TLP Friends. Please visit TruthLoveParent.com/donate or click the link in the description of this episode. Thank you so much for what you’re going to do. Now, let’s start by looking at . . . 1. The Truth of Developmental Stages A. People change. If this truth weren’t obvious from our physical changes as we age, the Scriptures illustrate this point in various ways. The Scriptures tell us in Luke 2:52 that “Jesus was advancing in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” Here we see both physical and spiritual changes. The spiritual changes are also repeatedly taught all through the Bible via illustration as well as command. In I Corinthians 3:1-3 Paul wrote, I “was not able to speak to you as to spiritual men, but as to fleshly men, as to infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk to drink, not solid food, for you were not yet able to receive it. Indeed, even now you are still not able, 3 for you are still fleshly.” But how many commands are there in the Bible that we grow in our sanctification, put off the flesh, and put on righteousness. Later in I Corinthians 13:11, Paul writes “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child. When I became a man, I did away with childish things.” The brain sciences have done their best to show us that the physical brain reaches full maturity in the mid-to-late 20’s when the prefrontal cortex finally catches up with the rest of the brain. Therefore, it’s reasonable and expected to assume that our children will change as they age and also as they mature spiritually. If you remember from our Expectational Education series, physical and spiritual (or mental) maturity do not happen simply because the other happens. But this reality is what prompts people to try to understand what children are capable of learning. They recognize that an infant can’t lift a ten pound weight, and he can’t solve arithmetic. So, they assume that when they are strong enough to lift the weight, they will also likely be more capable of doing the arithmetic. But when? We’ll talk about that at the end of the episode. Now let’s consider our second truth. B. Maturity happens at different speeds. In the parable of the soils, Jesus says that some spiritually alive trees bore thirtyfold, some sixtyfold, and some one hundredfold. By the way, if you’ve never listened to The Four Children Series, I encourage you to take a listen. That series is all about identifying how your children respond to truth and then how to parent them accordingly. The point is that not all 12 year olds will be as physically mature or spiritually mature as all the other 12 year olds. The sciences have concluded that as well. But here’s a really important truth that most people don’t like to address during a conversation concerning developmental stages. C. The brain sciences are constantly updating. Up until the mid 1900’s doctors believed that only children’s brains had neuroplasticity. The adage “You can’t teach old dogs new tricks” was an inappropriate assumption based off the fact that it was harder for adults to learn by forming new neural pathways than it was for children. I’m constantly amazed when I hear people voice surprise that children born during the covid lockdowns are now experiencing developmental delays. Listen, people, that one was obvious. Medical doctors and neuroscientists should have seen that one coming. Barring the government silencing people who stand against them, Lord willing, the next time the government attempts to lock all the citizens inside, people will speak up—having finally learned that it was harmful for everyone to cut us off from each other. Anyway, all sciences—including neuroscience—are not perfect systems. These people are observing, hypothesizing, and trying to find repetitions in order to solidify their conclusions. They’re still learning, and if history teaches us anything, it’s very possible that in 100 years, our modern day neuroscience will seem just as lacking—or even backward—as scientists of the past seem to us now. So, yes, people change, and they don’t change at even rates, but it’s also important to recognize that just because someone in a white lab coat with a bunch of letters behind their name says it, that doesn’t make it a fact. “Well, Aaron, doesn’t that sound a little anti-intellectual of you?” Yes, if you listened to our last episode, you might think that, but—remember—I’m not questioning them simply because they’re trying to teach me something and it contradicts my feelings. I’m simply pointing out that a lot of “experts” have been wrong more than they’ve been right. We need to test the spirits and use wisdom and discernment to rightly judge information—regardless from whom it comes. So, that was 3 truths. Now let’s consider 4 lies. 2. The Lies of Development Stages A. Scientists don’t make mistakes. This may sound like a repeat from the last point, but it is different. The observation that neuroscience is changing doesn’t necessitate that people aren’t being hurt by their wrong conclusions. But the truth is that doctors and scientists do make mistakes—and sometimes even lie—resulting in real harm. A biblical example is the woman with hemorrhage. In Mark 5:25-27 we read, “And a woman—who had a hemorrhage for twelve years and had endured much at the hands of many physicians, and had spent all that she had and was not helped at all, but rather had grown worse—after hearing about Jesus, she came up in the crowd behind Him and touched His garment.” Not only was she not helped, she was harmed. According to Miller & Zois attorneys at law, every year there are about 20,000 medical malpractice lawsuits filed in the United States. In 2022, 3,046 claimants won their wrongful death suits. They also said that, “A new study indicates that nearly 800,000 Americans suffer permanent disability or lose their lives annually due to incorrect medical diagnosis, prompting researchers to declare such diagnostic mistakes as a public health crisis.” They also said that as of September 1st, 2020, a medical diagnosis by an Australian doctor is incorrect 1 in 7 times. Now, what does this have to do with developmental stages? Well, again, just because researches make the claim, it doesn’t mean it’s true. The neurosciences and the pseudo-scientific therapeutic doctors have been trying to convince us that children aren’t truly born male or female and should decide for themselves how they identify. These are the same people speaking into the commonly accepted developmental stages. In fact, one huge mistake many of these scientists make is our next point. B. People mature like they evolve. I don’t think there’s a medical field that is untouched by evolutionary thought. Doctors will tell you that your body digests food differently because of how it evolved. Love doctors will hearken back to supposed cavemen mating rituals to substantiate their modern day advice. And some of the most influential thought leaders in modern American education not only believed we evolved, but used those ideas to craft the school system as we know it. In the abstract entitled “The Influence of Evolution on Dewey’s Educational and Philosophical Thoughts,” we read, “Evolution has a great impact on Dewey's philosophical and educational thoughts. Many fundamental conceptions of Dewey's educational philosophy such as continuity, growth, contingency, development, and genetic methodology, could be traced back to Darwinian Evolutionary theory. Dewey reconstructs the ideas and methods of traditional philosophy based on Evolution, and introduces a lot of new scientific methods into educational theory and practices.” But here’s the thing, we didn’t evolve. It was quite the opposite. My mother always taught me that—if you do the math correctly—you can never come to the right answer when you start with the wrong numbers. When it comes to neuroscience, researchers who attempt to identify how and why we change and mature based off the flawed presupposition that we evolved from lower lifeforms will always come to the wrong conclusions. For example, in 2023 research concludes that squid and human brains are tied by evolution because “despite the 500 million years of evolution that separate squids and humans, our brains develop in a very similar way to the brains of these cephalopods.” By “monitoring stem cells called neural progenitor cells in developing squid embryos” they found that “to build a squid retina, where most of the animal's neural tissue is found, the cells must first form a long, densely packed structure that can also be spotted during the neural development of vertebrates like us.” People with a priori beliefs like this may observe factual occurrences, but they can’t be trusted to make any applications based of the findings. The next lie we need to consider concerns the most influential belief system when it comes to developmental stages. But this system grows not only from evolutionary thought, but also from many other flawed precepts. C. Erikson’s Developmental Stages are fact. I’m going to park on this one for just a moment. According to Erik Erikson, a psychologist who died in 1994, the human brain goes through 8 psychosocial stages. Stage 1 is Trust vs. Mistrust and supposedly lasts from infancy to 18 months. Stage 2 is called Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt and is supposed to last from 18 months to 3 years. Stage 3 is Initiative vs. Guilt and lasts from 3 to 5. Stage 4 is Industry vs. Inferiority and affects children from ages 8 to 11. Stage 5 is called Identity vs. Confusion and covers the teen years from 12 to 18. Stage 6 is Intimacy vs. Isolation and is supposed to affect people ages 18 to 40. Stage 7 is supposedly where I am. It’s called Generativity vs. Stagnation and lasts from 40 to 65. And Stage 8 refers to Integrity vs. Despair in everyone older than 65. First of all, I want you to know that Erikson never received a formal degree in medicine or psychology. While teaching in a progressive school created by a friend of Sigmund Freud’s wife, Ziggy saw Erikson’s rapport with children and encouraged him to study psychoanalysis. Erikson’s views were influenced heavily by Freud, but he tweaked them according to his own opinions. Erikson believed that personality developed in stages when people faced a crisis that needed to be successfully resolved. And the majority of his observational research came from time studying the cultural life of two native American populations. With those observations out of the way, second, let’s quickly consider his proposed developmental stages one at a time from a biblical perspective. Stage 1 is trust versus mistrust. Let me say at the outset that the question of whether we will trust or not trust something is seminal to every facet of humanity until the day we die. There is no more important discipline to exercise. I talk all about this in The Merest Christianity Series which details why your kids do what they do. However, from Erikson’s perspective, this was not a lifelong endeavor, but one from which we move on before we hit 2 years of age. Of course that doesn’t mean Erikson thought it was unimportant. According to positivepsychology.com “Failure in stage one results in the development of fear, mistrust, suspicion, anxiety, and, ultimately, a belief that the world is unpredictable. We may become anxious, believing we have no control or influence on our environment.” Secular experts will have you believe that a child who didn’t have a trustworthy caregiver during this stage of their lives are nearly incapable of developing healthy attachments with others later in life. Unfortunately, not only does this instill a lot of fear in parents and motivate them to embrace parental determinism, but it also ignores the important dichotomy between not being able to do something and choosing to do something. But since Erikson was a humanist who believed that everything is physiological in nature, then he saw cause and effect where the Bible sees interpretation and choice. Yes, teaching your child to trust is important both in practice as well as word, but it’s not only important in the first 2 years of life. Stage 2 is autonomy versus shame and doubt. The belief is that children ages 2 to 3 are beginning to develop a heightened sense of their control and desire for independence. According to positivepsychology.com, “During stage two, parents should expect and encourage their child to explore limits, gently stretching them, while avoiding criticism when they fail. The resulting feeling of security and confidence are crucial for our progress in subsequent stages and leads to the virtue of will. However, if we are overly criticized and controlled, or prevented from asserting ourselves, we may feel unable to survive, lacking in self-esteem, and excessively dependent on others. Indeed, feeling a sense of shame over toilet accidents can impact our sense of personal control and increase levels of doubt.” Now, first this sounds an awful lot like Gottman’s Emotion Coaching which I address in The Doctrine of Emotions on the Evermind App. Those resources normally cost $25, but if you use the link in the description, you can access it for only $10. Needless to say, there are some very big issues with Emotion Coaching. Other than that, your biblical mind should be registering some significant doubt yourself as you consider the necessity of shame and doubt in our lives. First, we absolutely need to doubt ourselves. We don’t need to be encouraged in our autonomy. In fact, in The Biggest Parenting Challenges You Will Ever Face Series we talk about why the lie of autonomy is one of those challenges and how you must parent through it. We are dependent on God, and we are commanded in the Scripture to be dependent on each other. Second, since we do need to doubt the nonexistent control we have over our universe, it’s appropriate to experience shame when we do wrong. In our Children and Shame Series we talk about the difference between good and bad shame and how to use good shame in our parenting. Though Erikson rightly acknowledged that unsaved 2 to 3 year olds struggle with this, he wrongly concluded that the best case scenario is for the toddlers to avoid shame and doubt as they learn control over their own autonomy. Stage 3 is initiative versus guilt. Positivepsychology.com says “To our parents, our behavior may seem vigorous, overly assertive, or even aggressive, and yet we are exploring our interpersonal skills. If overly restricted from such exploration–either by parental control or through increased criticism–we can develop a sense of guilt. Similarly, while constant questioning in this stage can be tiring at times, if it is curtailed by caregivers, we may see ourselves as a nuisance, inhibiting our interactions with others.” I’m not going to waste too much time on this one. We absolutely need to experience guilt when we do things we shouldn’t. Yes, we should learn to direct our play and social interactions, but that doesn’t mean that all of our choices will be Christ-honoring—especially at the age of 5. And we need people who will lovingly show us that the best initiative to take is in things that please the Lord. And if we take initiative in things which don’t, we should experience the guilt and conviction of the Holy Spirit. Stage 4 is industry versus inferiority. These 5 to 12 year olds will likely find themselves in more and more instances of formal education, and Erikson believes the test of this season is the difference between being industrious in their work or shying away because of feeling inferior. Positivepsychology.com claims that “If successful, development leads to the virtue of competence, while failure can result in a sense of inferiority, where we feel unable to perform specific skills. Balance in stage four leads to a sense of accomplishment and competence, and we start to believe in our ability to handle existing and novel situations.” Here’s the thing, though, the world needs to recognize that our competence needs to be rooted in Christ because we aren’t capable of doing anything good and pleasing apart from Him, and our failures need to produce a biblical inferiority where we recognize that we are incapable apart from Him. Of course, there are selfish versions of industry as well as inferiority, and both of those are a sin. The world will never understand this tension. Now, remember, we’re working through these stages identifying the commonly accepted lie that Erik Erikson’s theory of developmental stages is not fact simply because he developed opinions while watching children mature. He wasn’t interpreting what he saw through the lens of Scripture. His entire worldview was humanistic and had no room for God. Therefore, any ideologies or philosophies or systems that are rooted in these 8 stages are fundamentally flawed and shouldn’t be prescriptive in the lives of our family. Okay, there are 4 more stages. Stage 5 is identity verses role confusion. This is for the young adults in the teenage years, and—yes—identity is a super huge issue with people of all ages. That’s why we address it in the The Biggest Parenting Challenges You Will Ever Face Series, but Christians will have to approach this discussion categorically different than the world. Whereas the world believes that young people need to find/create their own identity, the Bible teaches us exactly what our identity is. We don’t need to search for it. God tells us everything we need to know. And—yes—I will say proudly that anyone trying to find or create their identity outside of God’s will for their lives needs to be confused. They are confused. Lord willing, God will use that confusion to draw them to the understanding of what He was always making them to be. Stage 6 is supposedly about intimacy versus isolation. Positivepsychology.com says, “In the sixth stage of Erikson’s psychosocial development theory, young adulthood takes place between the ages of 18 and 40. During this time, major conflict can arise as we attempt to form longer term commitments outside of our family, with varying degrees of success. And yet, positive outcomes result in healthy, happy relationships that are secure and enduring, developing the virtue of love. Erikson’s view is that the ability to love marks the ultimate success of stage six–when relationships are meaningful and lasting. Failure–whether beyond or within our control–to form appropriate bonds or the avoidance of intimacy may result in loneliness, a sense of isolation, and depression. Those with a poor sense of self are typically emotionally isolated and less committed to relationships.” Again, the Scriptures are the only place where we can truly understand who we are, who others are, what it is to be a friend, and what it is to love. Erikson’s observations on this point were valid. Those who feel loved feel valued and those who don’t feel depressed. The issue—again—though is that Erikson and the systems built off his theories cannot help an adult navigate this stage to their greatest benefit and God’s greatest glory. Stage 7 is generativity versus stagnation. Positivepsychology.com explains it this way: “During middle adulthood, we display our need for longevity, not necessarily in a physical sense, but as life’s continuation in our children or the long-term impact we have on others. We aim to make a mark on the world, to nurture things that will outlive us. We may look for ways to be more productive and valuable to our society, with an eye on the bigger picture. Success is exemplified by virtue of care–the feeling of being useful in life, accomplishing something, and contributing to society. We are proud of who we are, what we have achieved, our children and who they have become, and the strong relationship we have with our partner. Failure looks quite different. We feel we have had little impact on the world. If so, we feel unproductive, uninvolved, disillusioned, and disconnected from the world in which we live.” What’s interesting is that Erikson did a better job identifying the struggles in the older groups than he did the younger ones—likely this was due to the fact that he was able to carefully think through his own life stages whereas remembering the details of his youth were much harder. To that end, his observations were more on the nose. But, as I’ve already mentioned many times, though these developmental temptations may be real, the answer to them can only be found in God and His Word. And finally, Stage 8 is integrity versus despair. The observation here is simple, despair doesn’t come from God, and—yes—in our old age God expects us to remain faithful to Him in all things. However, our own perspective of our abilities and accomplishments shouldn’t matter to us as much as the objective reality of our faithfulness to Christ. So, the very psychological bedrock of our modern understanding or psychosocial developmental stages and how they affect our children’s ability to learn new skills and experience new events is fundamentally flawed because it doesn’t interpret the seasons of life through God’s eyes, nor does it seek to answer the challenges according to God’s will. Thank you for your patience today as we go a little longer than usual. Let’s review the three truths and three lies, and then apply them to the final lie. The truths are that: 1. People change. 2. People change at different rates. 3. The brain sciences are still being updated and changing themselves. And the lies that we are tempted to believe about how our kids develop are: 1. Scientists really know what they’re talking about and don’t make mistakes in their statements concerning the developmental stages. 2. We mature in live like our species has evolved over time. 3. Erikson’s theories about human development are fact. So, with a firm understanding of these truths and lies, we can answer the final lie. D. Infants, children, and teens are incapable of __________. Listen, your child is incapable of a lot of things, and they will continue to be incapable of countless others as they age. You are currently incapable of a lot of things that other people your age and younger accomplish on a daily basis . . . but so what? Those observations don’t necessarily mean anything, nor should they be used to plot the trajectory of our growth. Think of it this way: How do we know a child is strong enough to lift a ten pound weight? We watch them do it. We can conjecture all day long about whether they’re strong enough to do so, but what’s the harm in letting them attempt it? If they can’t lift it, we’ll know for sure. But if they can, they’ll surprise us. And I think we should approach their spiritual maturity the same way. We should’t say, “Well, 2nd graders aren’t ready for such-in-such.” Why not? Why don’t we let them try? For thousands of years, young people have been accomplishing amazing things—things that many modern day adults haven’t done. Let them try! How do we know a child is old enough to learn 1 + 1 = 2? Do we wait for the school system to tell us they’re ready, or do we try to teach them that 1 + 1 = 2? I say we teach them. Allow them to be as successful as they can. Remove the barriers for entry into their maturation—namely the common misconceptions of what people at their age of capable of learning, understanding, believing, or doing. Conclusion
God has great and amazing things planned for your kids. I encourage you to listen to our God's Will for Your Child Series that instead of telling you what you’re kids aren’t capable of accomplishing, we open God’s Word to see all of the absolutely fantastic things God is doing in them now and has planned for their future.
There are a lot of lies when it comes to your’s and your children’s developmental stages. I only ask that you use biblical judgement and critical thinking to wade through the lies. You have been tasked by God to rear your kids in His nurture and admonition. He has created and commanded and capacitated them to rise to the level of His high biblical expectations, and He’s called you to partner with Him in that process. See your kids the way God sees them and parent them accordingly. Will you please share this episode on your favorite social media outlets so that more and more of God’s people will learn to stop holding their kids back because the world tells them their kids are “too young”? And never hesitate to email us at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at (828) 423-0894 if you need specialized biblical help in identifying what God has for your kids today. On our next episode we’re going to build on the past few episodes to identify The Best Version of Your Kids. It’s pretty exciting the vision God has for your children, and I want nothing more than for you to see them the way He does. And don’t forget to become a monthly donor to TLP! We really need your help to continue publishing this free evergreen content. I’ll see you next time.
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